Happy

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!

holiday gifts

oh man I am in the midst of wrapping holiday gifts ... it is hard work ... I used to love it ... but tonight it is wearing on me ... I was going to get them all finished tonight but that was a pipe dream ... I got the ones done for my brother and his wife ... and divides so he couldn't peek at them ... tomorrow I will have to conquer the rest ...


tomorrow I am going with jenny when she tries on bridesmaid dresses ... kind of excited to see how they look ... well it isn't actually a dress it is a skirt and shirt ... I am sure they will look beautiful ...


ahhhh for now I am terribly tired ... I need to retire to some sweet sweet dreams ... :)

I will be happy

life is sucking right now ... I got mad at Dave last night and we haven't talked since then ... even though he drove me to work ... so since I was so mad I really couldn't sleep ... and I was up till almost 1 finishing up a lip balm order ...


yesterday the other girl in my office up and quit ... which pissed everyone off cause it was so unexpected ... Friday she was saying how much she loved her job ... so then today she came in over an hour and a half late ... I think no matter what the circumstances when someone quits you should tell them to just go home ... cause they become worthless ... and it breeds resentment ... if they just left people would get over it ...


today is my busiest day of the year ... so with all this shit going on it makes the day suck ass ... even though I am so organized and the processes I have to do today I have them running smoothly and I should be congratulating myself ...


I am mad David and I haven't talked ... I know better than to leave it that way with someone you love ... I was there for 9-11 ... those poor people who had petty arguments that morning ... that is what they live with for life ... I should have told him how much I love and appreciate him before he drove off this morning ... but I was just too mad ... I will be happy when this day ends ... that is for sure ... :)

7465

Pedometer reading for 12/07/03: 7465

safe and sound

Pedometer reading for 12/05/03: 4081


Tonight was a panic ... my dad was flying in from Providence, RI and the snow was starting to pick up ... the last thing he wanted was to get stuck there for the weekend ... I found they could get on an earlier flight if they got to the airport in time ... well it turned out to be a lucky thing ... because all the flights after the one they caught were either cancelled or really delayed ...


so Davie and I drove up to Baltimore airport to pick him up ... the drive got much harrier on the way home because the snow and sleet really started to pick up ... but now everyone is home safe and sound ... woohoo ... of course because of all the driving and going here and there I just didn't get as much walking in today ... which sucks but I am so tired I must go to sleep ...

6526

Pedometer reading for 12/04/03: 6526

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12163

Pedometer readout for 12/03/03: 12163


I have been walking my butt off everyday ... 20 minutes in the morning ... 40 minutes when i get home from work and another 30 minutes after dinner ... i am tired as hell ... !!!!!

13226

Pedometer readout for 12/02/03: 13226

14063

Pedometer readout for 12/01/03: 14063

Despair

I absolutely love my new desktop picture ... check it out ... well worth it for the giggle ... and the site where I got the image rocks ... despair.com ... they have some of the greatest posters ever ... I know what my friends are getting for the holidays now ... :)

11050

Pedometer readout for 11/30/03: 11050

feel good

all we do is argue lately ... argue ... fight ... bicker ... sometimes I just want to take a right hook to his face he pisses me off so badly ... I have pent up anger just shaking inside me ... and I can't believe it is cause we quit smoking ... we never used to argue and now he seems rude and inconsiderate all the time ... he makes rude comments to me and I yell back at him ... it is no way to live ...


I can't even get a fucking patch to stick on me tonight ... I just want to go out and buy a pack of cigs ... we got along great when we were smoking ... we have given up so much "vice" kinda stuff ... drinking ... drugs ... I want my cigs back ... fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck ... I wish I knew a neighbor that smoked so I could just bum one ... that is all I want right now ... that and for some reason I really want to kick the shit out of David ... I think that would feel good ...

gotta be honest

I gotta be honest ... I am surprised David and I still aren't smoking ... it is amazing ...


we went out tonight and got a treadmill ... I am so excited ... I have 4 months to loose a good amount of weight before I must go wedding dress shopping ... and then I'll have 3 months after that to loose more weight for the wedding ... I really want to look great that day ... I've let myself go and I would be ashamed to get married and have all those photos taken looking like this ... I know David doesn't think I will use the treadmill but he will be surprised ... instead of getting up and having a couple of cigs first thing in the morning ... I will now get up and walk for at least 15 minutes in the morning ... and then again when I get home from work ... we are setting it up in the living room so I can watch TiVo while I walk ... I may even set up the TiVo to start taping shows it thinks I will like so I have tons of stuff to watch while walking ... but I just gotta do it ... my goal is a hefty one ... too much so to write down cause everyone will think I am crazy ... but I have it in my head and I will know if I am on track ... the not smoking is fantastic ... the loosing weight will be even better ...


well I am not that tired but I gotta go to sleep ... we have had company all weekend so tomorrow I gotta get up early and get a lot done before I head back to work ... :)

Thanksgiving Baby News

Thanksgiving was pretty great ... we had it at our house with my mom and dad, brother and sister-in-law and David's brother Drew ... and we all got some wonderful news ... Jason and Jenny are having a baby ... they have been trying for some time now so it is just so exciting for them ...


David and I are still smoke free ... but I have been sick for days now ... I think it is cause I am not smoking ... seems to be the only time I get sick :) ...


I am in a quandary about Christmas gifts ... we are trying so hard to save money for our wedding ... there are still a lot of things we need to buy ... but I still need to get gifts for everyone ... I just wish I could think of affordable things ... hummmmmm I could go ahead and get Jason and Jenny baby stuff ... knock out two gifts with one :)

The Capitol Steps

Last night was sooooo fun ... it was my dad's birthday so we all met in DC [we all means mom, dad, brother, sister-in-law, David and I] for dinner and then walked to the Ronald Reagan building and saw The Capitol Steps [capsteps.com] ... they are so fricken hysterical I almost wet myself during the show ... check out their site ... if you go to where they sell their albums you can hear a song off each one ... they take a regular song and then spoof something from current events ... Martha, Bush, Clinton, SUV's ... it is absolutely fantastic ... we all really had a great time ... my brother is now looking into seeing what it would take to have them at the wedding ... they really were that good ...


then we all went to Georgetown for ice cream ... all in all it was a fantastic evening ...


and David and I are still smoke free ... it has been hard at times ... but today with the money we saved we went out and bought a new game for the XBOX ... SSX Tricky 3 ... so far it is a brilliant game ... and that keeps our minds off smoking ...


we also went out today and did all the grocery shopping for Thanksgiving ... since both of us hate going to the food store it was a huge accomplishment getting that done ...


and thank god that it is only a 3 day work week ... that fucking rocks ... I have several huge graphics projects that have to get finished ... so I will probably only have to work 3 days and get a whole bunch of overtime to boot ... can't beat that ...


well it is much later than I realized ... I need to sleep cause I wanna get to work as early as possible so my overtime starts earlier in the day ... :)

quitting now

Conversation with Kris when discussing the possibility of her quitting smoking as well ...


I said, "I'm not gonna lie. Sure I miss it but I would miss a lung as well"


She, too, is quitting now.

fortune

Put up the quitmeter this morning ... it is calculating both David and myself ... we spent a fortune on smokes ... it will be nice to have some of that money again ... :)

my drive to work takes 20 minutes ... tonight it took me 2 hours to get home ... rain just seems to freak everyone out ... it would have been a great time to have a book on tape ...


I did stop and get a "learn to knit" package on the way home ... I am excited about learning ... I got a beautiful yellow yarn to make a scarf ... and it is going to be a super long one ... that I can wrap around my neck at least twice ...


so in the mean time I am smoking like a nut tonight ... to get it out of my system ... and I think it is great that everyone in my office and David are quitting all at the same time ... and I just got an email that our candy shipment is on the way ... woohoo ...


well I better start making dinner ... so it is ready for Davie when he gets home from work ... :)

we are going for the quitting smoking again ... Thursday is the day ... same as the Great American Smoke-out ... this has got to be the last time we quit ... we need the money ... we are about to start making our invitations and I know if we are smoking while we make them ... people will smell the smoke when they open them ... and our tentative plans are to try and get pregnant a year from now ... and I wanted to be smoke free for a year before getting pregnant ... so the time seems right ... I am a bit nervous but I just gotta do it ... I am getting too old for this shit ... hummmm I wonder if I can find that quit smoking counter ...


I also need to figure out a way to buy a treadmill ... I need the exercise and it will be much easier without smoking ...


I am also going to teach myself to knit ... I figure it would be a great way to concentrate on something other than smoking ... besides the scarves in the store are never long enough for me ... :) ... I am hoping to find someone nice enough in the store tomorrow to help me figure out what I need ... :)

Wow 2 months to the day since I last wrote ... that has got to be some sort of record for me ... I'm not sure what it's been ... combination of many things I guess ... planning a wedding ... making lip balm ... working on our house ... and I felt like I was complaining here too much ... there are several "complainers" in my life and it just wears you down ... day in and day out ... and I felt like this site was turning me into the same thing ... because I didn't want to turn into one out loud ... I was turning into a cyber complainer ... but I am past that now ...


I must say I am also enjoying the wedding planning now ... my mom has mellowed out ... and all the big things have been taken care of ... it is exciting to think in 7.5 months I'll be married ... Davit even seems pretty excited about it ... and this is a man who never wanted to get married again ... he designed our invitation and we are making them ourselves and they are awesome ... we should be getting stuff sometime this week that we sent off to a printer ...


I'm happy I am back ... we have so much cool stuff planned in the next couple of months that I really wanted to journal again so I don't forget how great life is and everything that goes on ... :)

Hurricane Isabel is upon us ... this time we are prepared for no power ... we have a whole bunch to work on that requires no more than a flashlight ... and we even have a radio with batteries ... last month we were without power for 3 days and had nothing to do but sit and bitch ... so we are ready this time ... although i should have gotten a deck of cards ... oh well ... save that for the next one ...


hope everyone is alright where ever they are ... :)

CheapBlueGuitar.com

I got my first lip balm sale today ... from Brian of CheapBlueGuitar.com ... woohoo ... I am sooooooooooo excited ... woohoo a sale ... I am just ecstatic about it ... can ya tell?


and tonight I made some bitchen labels for wedding stuff ... I am going to try and not be obsessed with wedding stuff here but I am making soooooooooo much of my own stuff that it seems that is all I am doing ... and so far the stuff is turning out pretty groovy ... although I stay up way to late each night because I get to working on something and the next thing I know 4 hours have gone by ...


David and I decided tonight we are going to find an acupuncturist in our area ... I've been doing reading and it sounds pretty groovy ... David it TOTALLY stressed out ... and has trouble sleeping and wants to gain weight ... and I get pretty bummed out and don't sleep well and want to lose weight ... since neither of us want to take any sort of medication and that is what like doctors like to do ... we are going to try it the "old school" way ... really old school ... should be a pretty interesting experience ...


ok I've been up way too late ... off to sleep ... hopefully :)

I got my engagement ring today


and it is simply stunning ... as David so eloquently put it ... :)

look at that ... changed it already ... digging the dots ... woohoo ...

OK ... I am back ... I can't believe it has been over a month since I wrote in my blog ...


I've become hooked to the site theknot.com ... for wedding planning ... I seem to post there all the time and that has kind of become my blog ...


as I am writing this David is on his way to pick up my engagement ring ... I am quite excited to say the least ... we dropped the stone off 3 weeks ago so I have been so excited to get it back ... my parents gave me a diamond that my grandmother left me so it should be beautiful ...


I heard this morning that both John Ritter and Johnny Cash passed away and I started to cry ... two great men that I just love ... I feel like I grew up with both of them ... it just amazes me they are gone ...


I made this new site design while I was bored at work yesterday but I don't think it is working for me ... a little too much of a headache ... and since spring is over it is not very timely ... so I think I might need to come up with something a little more simple ...


I hope everyone is still around ... I guess I have a lot of reading to do this weekend to catch up with everyone's blog ...


:)

I am feeling better ... the gloom and doom is lifting ... i even made phone calls tonight when i got home from work ... [haven't wanted to chat too much lately] ... and instead of parking myself on the couch or going to sleep i actually accomplished a whole lota shit ... so right on ...


i should have just bitched sooner on here ... it always makes me feel better ... makes me see how sorry i am being ... and forces me to change my focus onto more positive things ...


stop by Sickside and give Kimberly a big WOOHOO for her new job ... she is going to kick some ass ... that is for sure ... god i am just so happy for her right now ... it is going to be the perfect job for her ... and so many people will benefit from her knowledge ... i think reading that post just now is what finally put a smile on my face ... :)


but i am still leavign the gray and black for now ... hahahahahaaaaaa

I need help ... in the teeth grinding department ...


I woke up about 35 minutes ago and my jaw is just now relaxing


I had a hot cloth on my face for about 10 minutes to get my teeth apart


I don't know what to do


I have had both rubber and hard plastic bite plates ... I ground right through both in less than a week ... the hard plastic [like a retainer] scared the crap out of my orthodontists ... he couldn't believe I went straight through it ...


has anyone done anything that helps ... cause if I keep this up I will eventually have no teeth ... the headaches and arm aches are bad enough ... but no teeth ... that could be a problem ...


so if anyone has tried anything conventional or unconventional please let me know ... I am willing to give anything [almost anything] a try at this point ...

Dream Job

years and years ago when I was living with a man that told me I wouldn't amount to much I set on a path to prove him wrong ... and to make a life for myself that didn't depend on anyone ...


I sat down and figured out what I really wanted to do with my life ... I realized that I wanted to become fantastic at the computer ... and build web sites for people ... I did it for a hobby and taught myself everything so I figured I could teach myself a bit more and do it as a job ...


I took any job I was offered ... I didn't care if they couldn't pay me ... I wanted the practice and stuff for a resume ...


eventually I was offered a job in Las Vegas building porno websites for some guy ... and it paid me money ... I loved it ... who cares if I had to look at some pretty sick shit during the day ... I was getting paid for "my dream job" ...


that eventually led to a job in New York ... getting paid some pretty decent money ... and I did it all on my own ... now I was doing more than making sites ... I was helping others make theirs ... I was selling web space ... it felt wonderful ...


greedy business owners tried selling and selling again ... until most of us were fucked for a job ... and after 9/11 it was down hill from there ...


so with a new guy in tow that told me I could do anything I wanted with my life we moved to Maryland to figure that out ... I searched and wondered and made lists ... nothing came to mind ...


when we had finally hit rock bottom in the money department [that means 2 thirty-somethings living at home in the basement of my parents house and having to borrow money from my mom to go get tampons] I realized I didn't know what I wanted to do and I reluctantly took an office job at my dad's company ...


well in 3 months I will have been there a year ... and I still have no idea what my dream job is ...


I had what I thought was a dream ... but that faded ... I have no desire to work in the internet industry anymore ...


but I can't figure out what I want to do ... how do I not know ... how is there nothing driving me ...


all I know is that I really don't want to work there ... it was fine when no one knew the boss was my dad ... because I was my own person ... now I am "the boss' kid" ... I have no identity of my own ...


it would be one thing if I were paid like the boss' kid ... but I am not ... I am paid like I am doing an internship ... we are close to living hand to mouth again ... and I don't want that to happen ... but more importantly one should be happy at work ... I mean we spend so much time there ...


I think all stress comes at one time ... at least for me ... I don't get a little here and there ... I get a lot at once ...

- worrying about money

- trying to imagine a career that will make me happy

- fighting with david

- wilting like a dead flower when my mom talks about the fricken wedding

- listening to all the problems of my friends because I don't want to burden them with mine

- trying so god damn hard to loose weight

- offering support to david's new career and worrying about his happiness


I know in the scope of life they are all minor things ... there are bigger problems out there ... but when I start taking them on too I lose control ... I was always good about volunteering ... I haven't been lately ...


I guess if I could pick any job it would be doing volunteer work ... but that doesn't pay the bills ... I worked at a homeless shelter for families for years ... gave birthday parties for kids ... collected food and toiletries and clothes from anyone who would hand them over ... and I was always happy there ... and I have spent countless hours helping to build homes for people ... finding restaurants to donate lunches for the workers or just making them myself ... I got my dad so excited his company donates all the window coverings for the Habitat homes ...


ok I think I turned my mind around ... I think I need to go back out and do stuff for others and my complaints will fall into place ... because I know my problems are trivial ... I know there is bigger stuff out there ... and I feel guilty even moaning ... but sometimes it is just a bit of moaning that gets me out of my funk ...


but I am still leaving the new black and gray design ... I like the poutyness of it ... :)

well since I am on a cynical role I might as well keep going ...


last week was our companies annual sales meeting ... I had to spend a week in the middle of nowhere with everyone ... I was bored out of my mind but I survived ... only problem is now everyone I work with knows I am the boss' daughter ... it was a good run we kept the secret from most people for 8 months ...


problem is ... now everyone is calling here and calling me KID-O ... fucking kid-o ... I am 33 god damn years old ... I am a kid to none of them ... some are as much as 10 years younger than me ... KID-FUCKING-O ... I don't think so ...


and they are all saying ... "your dad this" and "your dad that" ... I feel like I have a summer job my parents forced me to take to keep me from roaming the streets on my Schwinn Beach Cruiser circa 1984 ...



David stopped in here a little while ago and we got into it ... he was supposed to hang out till I had to leave so I could get a ride home and we were yelling at each other ... and he left ... it is just shitty all the way around ...

have you even been spiraling out of control into a pit of doom ... your stomach keeps dropping ... your head hurts ... body aches ... and you wish you could just hit the bottom ... with every tear you expel you feel closer and closer to the bottom but it never comes ... never comes ... you just keep dropping and dropping and dropping ...


I am in that spiral right now ... and the tears won't stop ... and the dropping won't stop ... the sickness in my stomach never leaves ... I have taken to grinding my teeth while awake which leaves me with a never ending headache ...


this is the life I have stepped into ... and the only way to get out is to compromise everything I want ... to give up my dreams and desires ... and to let other people rule my life ... or to fucking spite everyone around me including myself ... I am choosing the latter


it is all so stupid but so crippling as well ... and it all has to do with getting married ... why isn't there a book out there that says "getting married is a fucking nightmare and you will be sorry you decided to do it" ... that book I would buy ...


my mom has become a completely irrational beast ... and I can no longer deal with it ... not only is she making me a fucking lunatic she is doing the same to David and my dad ... and I have to put a stop to it ...


so I am choosing no wedding ... no party ... no celebration ... no sharing the day with loved ones ... no gifts ... no fucking nothing ... I will not even tell anyone what day we are going to do it ... and then once we do I will lie about the day so no one can share the day with us ...


yes I was a girl who dreamed of that special day ... but that was decades ago ... there will be no first dance with my new husband ... no father-daughter dance ... no being walked down the aisle with my dad ... all the things I looked forward to will be gone ...


there will be no visits with old friends ... no family around to witness the celebration ... fuck it all ... it will be David and I one afternoon at the fucking Rockville courthouse surrounded by strangers who don't give a shit what we are doing ... no tux and no fancy dress ... no bubbles blown and no pictures to commemorate the day ...


at this point I have no problem cutting off my nose to spite my face ... it sounds like a brilliant idea to me ... and then let those who are screwing with me now have to stare at the gaping hole where my nose used to be ...

Heather is visiting ... woooooohooooo Heather is visiting ... the last time we were able to see each other was during my last vacation ... March of 2001 we were all in Las Vegas ... we only saw each other briefly ... so this is the first time she and David are getting to spend some quality time together ... and the first time she and I are getting to hang out and it is fabulous ...


last night we all went out for dinner for my mom's birthday ... it was fantastic ... such good food ... and since I have been dieting so hard core it was even better ... I am already fitting into pants that I could even get close to zipping ... that is always a really good thing ...


on a sour note I am trying to figure out how to deal with my mom ... since David and I told her we were getting married there hasn't been one time that we saw her and any time we speak about the wedding on the phone that she hasn't tried to get me to change the date ... it is starting to piss me off big time ... I am serious when I say every time we have seen her ... I mean in the whole scheme of things isn't that like super fucking rude?? ... David feels it is all some sort of power trip ... I think it is just fucked up and it is getting harder and harder not to just get right up in her face and scream ... like they do in a cartoon where it is so loud her hair blows back ... that is what I think about when she brings it up ... I am going to have to say something that hurts her feelings ... but she will get over it ...


ok on a more positive note ... we are going to IKEA today ... woohoo ... I can't wait ... so I need to go figure out what I need to get while we are there ...


I hope everyone out there is happy and smiling ... and enjoying everything ... I'm trying to :)

I still haven't quite recovered from the long weekend ...


I took Thursday off because we were having 12 people over for dinner and there was much to be done ... it was nice ... my parents, grandmother, aunt, cousin, her child, my brother and his wife, David's dad and brother ... everyone seemed to have a great time and they all loved our place ...


then on Friday David, his dad and brother went and saw T3 and I went and saw Legally Blonde 2 ... it was a perfect plan ... and I LOVED the movie ... then we headed over to my parents house ... the whole gang together again and we cooked out ... hung out ... and could see the D.C. fireworks from the patio ...


on Saturday David and his dad went golfing and Drew and I ran errands ... then we sat around and watched movies the rest of the day ...


On Sunday we went to the International Spy Museum ... it was pretty good ... I think I was expecting more because of all the hype ... but it was interesting none the less ...


so that is the holiday weekend in a nutshell ...


my cousins son is quite a spitfire ... he was talking about how his mom is head of the house and his grandmother [my aunt] was saying "well the bible says the man is the head of the house" and he came back with "well god was wrong" ... just perfect ...


today I was up at 4:30 in the A-M ... so after another Sunday night of no sleep ... and now a Tuesday morning of up before dawn ... I am exhausted ... and I am totally goofing off at work ... I need the break ... it has been crazy here ... I look forward to taking a vacation ... whenever that may be :)

A Toy Yoda

funny as hell I tell you ...

Welcome to "It's Sunday Night and I Can't Sleep"

I am your host ~ Lizzie

Tonight's topic - things to do when you can't sleep


- have a popsicle

- have sex

- watch some TV

- read some of your text book for class [can't believe this didn't work]

- catch up on the lectures for class [online college]

- catch up on all the Blogs you haven't had time to read

- print pictures for empty frames in your house

- smoke

- clean desk

- enter strange searches in Google

- stress out that you still can't sleep after doing all of the above

- realize that as you are writing this your alarm will go off in 3 hours and you still aren't yawning


Tomorrow's topic - how to function on only 2 hours of sleep

Check out the groovy pictures I took tonight ... :)

Thank you to my Cheap Blue Guitar :) I learned that my comments weren't working ... rather than people having nothing to say ...


so all sorts of hell has happened in the last week but I am in no mood to bore anyone with that ...


rather I want to chat a bit about Lizz Fizz ... the lip balms have turned out beyond amazing ... I have sent them out to some people to sample and am beginning to build a website now ... bought the domain just need to put something up there ...


to start I made Peppermint, Spearmint, Bubble Gum, Butter Cream, Green Apple and Sugar Kisses ... I have begun expanding to include Lemon, Lime, Orange, Black Cherry, Rose, Grape, Vanilla - and combinations of them all ...


I also made Peppermint conditioner that I just can't live without now ... it is SOOOO AWESOME ... and Peppermint shower gel ...


I now need to find waterproof labels ... cause the ones I used are just regular old stickers so the ink can smear ... but labels aren't as easy to find as I thought ... especially for lip balm tubes ...


I am having such a blast making all this stuff ... I would love to have it as a job ... so soon - after my test subjects have turned in their results about my products I will start to sell them ... I even have wrappers that seal the lid on ...


but so far the reviews have been great ... and I have sought out die-hard lip balm fans ...


I think this weekend I am going to make some salve and sugar scrub as well ... woohooo


if anyone has any recipes or flavor combo/suggestions please let me know :)

I've gone lip balm crazy. These are the labels I've made for my newest creations. What do ya think?

Do-over

this morning started off shitty and I am not sure if it is because last night ended shitty ... I just kept thinking about Mike ... and wondering how it happened ...


David was to meet a future employer this morning at 5:30 AM to head up to Cumberland with him ... we were up at 4 ... left at 5 ... and got lost ... he called the guy who started getting pissed at him yet couldn't tell us how to get to his shop ... so David dropped me off at the Starbucks near my work and drove up there himself ... I felt so bad because he was now going to be late ...


so now I am in front of Starbucks and trying to call a cab on my cell phone ... nothing is listed in the area ... so I tried to call my boss who is up in Cumberland as well to see if she knew the name of a cab company ... as I was going to the name Marianne I saw Mike's listed there [thought to myself that is no good anymore] ... and I just lost it right there in front of Starbucks ... bawling ...


now I have no ride ... it is 3 hours till my coworker is driving up to work and could stop to pick me up ... David is all bummed out and pissed off and worried he won't have the job now ... Mike is fucking gone ... along with Josh [the other heroin lover who disappeared] ... it is freezing out and I have no jacket ... I forgot my text book for school so I can't even sit and read ... I have no idea how I am going to get home except the bus/train combo in the rain but I didn't even bring a rain jacket cause I thought I would be driving ... I wore the total wrong shoes to walk the 2 miles home from the train ... in the fucking rain ... and all these thoughts happened before 6 AM ...


a checker at the grocery store I walked to was cool ... she knew the number for a cab and I spent 10 fucking dollars to get here ...


now I am sitting here at work and I just want to leave ... I have like 20 overtime hours built up but my boss is gone so I can't just leave ...


I want today to be over ... I need a redo ... I need to start fresh tomorrow ...


and I wish David would call to let me know how everything went once he got up there ...

Bad E-mail

I just got this email about one of my best friends - we met when I was 18 years old and have kept in touch since then ... he was visiting NY right after 9-11 and I was in the city that day as well ... we tried to hook up but being up there [the smell and all the posters] was just too much for me ... we continued to email ... and he was someone I could talk to about anything ... around Thanksgiving last year I realized it had been some time since I heard from him which bothered me ... I kept emailing him and they didn't bounce but I didn't hear back ... I knew he had gotten married and had a killer job in Seattle so I figured he was busy and would get around to writing back ... I emailed a mutual friend of ours that lives in Seattle as well but at both Thanksgiving and Christmas he mentioned nothing ... just chit chat and verified I had the right email address ... today I sent our mutual friend another email ... and tonight I got this email back ...

Hi Liz! It has been a long time!

Well, how do I put this. Mike became a heroin junkie, lost his wife, job, apartment, and car and is now (I assume) homeless somewhere in Seattle. Frankly, I couldn’t tell you if he were still alive or not. I haven’t talked to him in over two years.

Weird, eh?

yes it is weird ... it is fucking weird ... I live on the other side of the country and my first thought was to jump on a plane with the 100's of pictures I have of him and try and find him ... walk every alley and street ... grab him and tell him I love him and I am here to help him ... I just keep crying ... how can no one know where he is ... how can such an amazing person's life end this way ... a drug induced mystery ...

this is my second close friend who has disappeared in a cloud of heroin ... what the fuck ... I have read this god damn email 50 times already tonight ...

I am at a loss for words!!

I just got this email about one of my best friends - we met when I was 18 years old and have kept in touch since then ... he was visiting NY right after 9-11 and I was in the city that day as well ... we tried to hook up but being up there [the smell and all the posters] was just too much for me ... we continued to email ... and he was someone I could talk to about anything ... around Thanksgiving last year I realized it had been some time since I heard from him which bothered me ... I kept emailing him and they didn't bounce but I didn't hear back ... I knew he had gotten married and had a killer job in Seattle so I figured he was busy and would get around to writing back ... I emailed a mutual friend of ours that lives in Seattle as well but at both Thanksgiving and Christmas he mentioned nothing ... just chit chat and verified I had the right email address ... today I sent our mutual friend another email ... and tonight I got this email back ...



Hi Liz! It has been a long time!


Well, how do I put this. Mike became a heroin junkie, lost his wife, job, apartment, and car and is now (I assume) homeless somewhere in Seattle. Frankly, I couldn’t tell you if he were still alive or not. I haven’t talked to him in over two years.


Weird, eh?


yes it is weird ... it is fucking weird ... I live on the other side of the country and my first thought was to jump on a plane with the 100's of pictures I have of him and try and find him ... walk every alley and street ... grab him and tell him I love him and I am here to help him ... I just keep crying ... how can no one know where he is ... how can such an amazing person's life end this way ... a drug induced mystery ...


this is my second close friend who has disappeared in a cloud of heroin ... what the fuck ... I have read this god damn email 50 times already tonight ...


I am at a loss for words!!

I need some help ...


everyone has been to at least one wedding that they thought was "the greatest wedding I've ever been to" ... please tell me about that wedding and why it was the greatest


and on the other hand


everyone has been to a wedding where they just couldn't wait for the cake to be cut so they could sneak out ... please tell me about that wedding and what made it so horrible ...


thanks ... I really appreciate it ... :)

Kris and I were just on the phone having a conversation about the weather ... I don't do well in heat ... in fact I love the cold and except when I am stuck in the house for days on end due to massive amounts of snow ... I don't complain too much ... but heat ... fuck that I hate the heat ... and what I hate more is humidity ... my hair will permanently be in a ponytail the rest of the summer [see it is curly and if I left it to its own accord I would look like Roseanne Rosannadanna ... but at this point tonight I am wondering why I ever moved
Where I used to live [Las Vegas]	Where I now live [Maryland]
What was I thinking moving away from an area that has no humidity ... I can handle dry heat ... even working in a kitchen there with no air conditioning in my car I was alright ... sure my face was wind burned but it just made me look like I had a tan ... but check out the weather forecast [they open in a new window] ... Vegas is all sunny ... we don't even get one sunny day ... the three that don't have rain say  "partially cloudy" ... they couldn't even give us partially sunny ... rain and humidity a winning combination ...  I would like to say I am finished bitching about the weather ... but then that would probably be a lie

oh and I almost forgot the added bonus ... we watched Queer As Folk ... which I thought was the last episode ... and it was so good and the ending felt like it was a season finale cliff hanger ... only to find out there are two more episodes ... sure in two weeks I'll be bummed it is over for another year but right now I am so happy there are two more ... and I just took a sneak peak at tvguide.com to see what was in store and they both look sooooooo good ... woohoo ...

David is just the greatest ... I have wanted to make my own lip balm for like a year and a half now and I just never got to it ... I bought the beeswax, the lip balm tubs and the peppermint and spearmint oil but none of the other stuff ...


well not only did he go to the store with me today ... he totally helped me cook up 4 batches of it ... and the stuff rocks ... he is so awesome ... I totally couldn't have done it without him ... he showed me what I needed to do to measure it all correctly ... we added color ... the stuff rocks ... I even got little mirrors that I glued on the inside of the lid of the tub ... and the stuff is good ...


it turned out to be a pretty great weekend ... not only did I do 6 hours of school work ... I only missed one question on my quiz ... we totally cleaned the whole house ... did all the laundry and put it away ... did the grocery shopping ... we made some kick-ass lip balm ... I actually feel fulfilled ... maybe for the first Sunday in about 2 months I will fall asleep ... :)

1. How many times have you truly been in love?

4 times


2. What was/is so great about the person you love(d) the most?

he makes me laugh all the time


3. What qualities should a significant other have?

kindness ... and a great sense of humor


4. Have you ever broken someone's heart?

I think so but not intentionally


5. If there was one thing you could teach people about love, what would it be?

as scary as it is ... it is a wonderful thing to experience ... it makes it worth taking the risk

This is totally unacceptable weather!! I can't take any more rain or clouds let alone a flood watch until tomorrow night ... the one good day of the weekend and not only is it going to be raining it will be enough to possibly cause flooding conditions ... it would almost be OK if it weren't going to rain on Monday, Thursday, Saturday and Sunday ... my god we only have 3 non-rain days coming up and those days are going to be cloudy ... no wonder they keep talking about how to fight depression during this weather ... how do people live in Seattle??

Ok I have been trying to stay in a good mood ... life has been pretty alright ... David and I have been having more fun than ever with each other ... the house is in good shape ... work is alright ... I started school again ... but if this god damn motherfucking rain doesn't stop soon I am going to lose my mind ... I think they said Monday that it was the first time we didn't have rain and that the sun came out in 33 straight days ... then yesterday it was back to rain and today it is cold and gloomy and really raining ... I just can't take it anymore ... it is sooooooo depressing ...

LAYER ONE:

— Name: Elisabeth

— Birth date: March 21

— Birthplace: Allentown

— Current Location: Maryland

— Eye Color: Hazel

— Hair Color: super dark brown

— Height: 5' 5.5"

— Righty or Lefty: write right - most other stuff left

— Zodiac Sign: Aries


LAYER TWO:

— Your heritage: Jewilicous

— The shoes you wore today: Doc Marten sandals

— Your weakness: mocha frappachinos

— Your fears: Christmas and thanksgiving [the two days Starbucks is closed]

— Goal you’d like to achieve: college degree


LAYER THREE:

— Your most overused phrase on AIM: easy turbo

— Your first waking thoughts: shit work again

— Your best physical feature: I think smile ... people walking toward me think the big boobs

— Your most missed memory: my cat Harley


LAYER FOUR:

— Pepsi or Coke: neither

— McDonald’s or Burger King: neither

— Single or group dates: single

— Adidas or Nike: Sketchers

— Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: ick neither

— Chocolate or vanilla: vanilla

— Cappuccino or coffee: all


LAYER FIVE:

— Smoke: yes

— Cuss: hell yes

— Sing: fuck no

— Take a shower everyday: usually

— Do you think you’ve been in love: several times

— Want to go to college: attending right now

— Liked high school: sure what did I know then

— Want to get married: started planning it tonight

— Believe in yourself: most definitely

— Get motion sickness: nope

— Think you’re attractive: yup

— Think you’re a health freak: no way

— Get along with your parent(s): totally

— Like thunderstorms: love 'em

— Play an instrument: I can play The Entertainer on the piano


LAYER SIX:

In the past month…

— Drank alcohol: no

— Smoked: yes

— Done a drug: no

— Made Out: yes

— Gone on a date: yes

— Gone to the mall?: unfortunately yes

— Eaten an entire box of Oreos?: thought about it but no

— Eaten sushi: nope

— Been on stage: no

— Been dumped: no

— Gone skating: no

— Made homemade cookies: yes

— Gone skinny dipping: no

— Dyed your hair: yes

— Stolen anything: no

— You sound boring: nope


LAYER SEVEN

Ever…

— Played a game that required removal of clothing: yes

— If so, was it mixed company: yes

— Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: yes

— Been caught doing something: yes

— Been called a tease: yes

— Gotten beaten up: yes

— Shoplifted: yes

— Changed who you were to fit in: nope


LAYER EIGHT:

— Age you hope to be married: 34

— Numbers and Names of Children: none yet

— Describe your Dream Wedding: on a cruise ship so I don't have to worry about anything

— How do you want to die: while sleeping and not cause someone is smothering me with a pillow

— Where you want to go to college: University of Maryland [only cause that is where I am now]

— What do you want to be when you grow up: an adult

— What country would you most like to visit: been everywhere


LAYER NINE:

— Number of drugs taken illegally: lost count ages ago

— Number of people I could trust with my life: a handful

— Number of CDs that I own: couple hundred

— Number of piercings: 8

— Number of tattoos: 0

— Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper?: who knows

— Number of scars on my body: lots

— Number of things in my past that I regret: 0


stolen from robyn, who stole it from jenna, who stole it from meegan, who stole it from nicole


[pass it on]


I must say if you read this far and then looked at where I stole it from it might be scary how many answers seem the same ... but I swear I am not trying to be a Robyn wannabe ... it just happens ... I promise I deleted all hers before filling in mine :)

it is another Sunday night and I can't sleep ... the only thing making this one different from the last 5 is I have a headache to boot ...


it is becoming a terrible trend and I am sure the more I think and fret about it the worse it gets ... but ever since the first Sunday before David went to training I haven't been able to fall asleep ... the insomnia is painful ... it makes monday hard as hell ... and I am wiped out by the time I get home from work ...


all I want is some sleep ... I don't require a lot ... but the 2.5 hours I have gotten the last several Sundays isn't cutting it for me ...


I am going to go give it a second try ... and fall asleep with my fingers crossed ...

1. What do you most want to be remembered for?

That I was always there for the people who needed me.


2. What quotation best fits your outlook on life?

Love Many

Trust Few

And Always Paddle

Your Own Canoe

-- written in my great grandmothers autograph book


3. What single achievement are you most proud of in the past year?

Redoing our entire home, all the work ourselves, and making it just the way we want it


4. What about the past ten years?

Moving to New York where I knew no one to take my dream job which was well above my capabilities at the time and diving in and learning everything I could to make myself one of the most accomplished and valuable employees at the company.


Side note: David feels my greatest achievement was breaking my leg in 3 places while walking into a restaurant to meet a date and staying for dinner ... conversation and then going to his place and having sex all before I drove myself to the hospital an hour away [mind you David wasn't the date, it was when I lived in Los Angeles well before I met him]


5. If you were asked to give a child a single piece of advice to guide them through life, what would you say?

Kids are mean to each other so ignore what they say and be whomever you want to be because you really start living after high school. If you stay true to yourself and treat people the way you want to be treated [no matter what they do to you] you will realize that everything through high school has no baring on who you are and what you will accomplish.

Maybe I should clarify the proposal post ... hahahahahaaaa

I did ask him

and he did say yes


but I was bugging him ... like I always do ...


my parents want us to get married

David never wants to be married again

I am happy with how life is


so I would say last night I was being more annoying than serious ... cause it is my favorite thing to give David a hard time about ...


it was nice that he said yes ... hahahahahaaaa ... there would have been problems if he had said no ...


but ... just to be clear ... we aren't getting married ...


that I know of

My new magnet creations so fun to make and I just love them!
The picture of my cell phone is for my friend Heather ... I was trying to describe it and I thought it would be easier with pictures ... besides this way everyone can see Elvis looking at them from the screen

marry me

tonight I asked David to marry me


:) and he said yes

I found the greatest new site ... PostCardX ... send a piece of yourself to someone random out there ... and by a piece I mean a post card or a drawing or a poem ... or a mixed CD ... and ya get something back ... it is just such a groovy idea I am working on my first mixed CD to send out ... check it out ... what do ya have to loose ... but you can gain new friends all over the world ... :)

I watched a bunch of movies this weekend ... with all the rain who really wanted to go out ...


saw:

Waiting For Guffman

Stealing Harvard

The Hot Chick

Catch Me If You Can


and ya know what ... I liked them all


each had their own appeal ...


I went into Blockbuster to get Waiting For Guffman ... but while I was looking for it I saw Catch Me If You Can and The Hot Chick ... they were having a holiday weekend deal - 3 movies for $9.99 and since Waiting For Guffman didn't count [seeing as it is an old movie] I had to find one more ... so I got Stealing Harvard cause a girl I graduated with is in it and a guy Kris graduated with is in it ... so I thought I would check it out ...


the silly ones made us laugh [3 of the 4] and Catch Me If You Can was just a good flick ...


so a fun ... rainy ... movie filled weekend was had by all ...


oh and I almost forgot [it was such a long weekend it is hard to remember everything] ... David's brother Kevin came to visit ... it has probably been like 2 years since we last saw him ... and this was the first time I got to hang out with him when it wasn't tense circumstances and it was the first time David or I met his new wife ... we had a great time ... we went out to dinner and sat around and talked ... it was an enjoyable Saturday night ... just too bad they couldn't stay longer ... :)

Happy Birthday David!!!!

I've been watching "I Love The 80's" today and I feel like I should record all these to show my kids ... because this is what I lived ... this was my life ... I know people who weren't born yet or were born in like 1979 that love this show and it cracks me up ... and makes me feel old at the same time because all of this stuff I have memories of ...


they were just showing Teddy Rukspin and I worked at a toy store at Fashion Island in Cali [the rich folks mall] when the doll came out and I couldn't have hated it more ... rich women were beating the crap out of each other to get that doll ... there was one on display that talked and sang all day long ... I hated hearing him ... all day long we would get calls to see if we had Teddy in or when our next shipment was coming and you could see people lurking behind the store watching for trucks so they could make sure they get one ...


they also just showed Hands Across America ... boy do I remember when they were advertising the hell out of that ... everyone was talking about it ... and I remember our family out running around that day and we drove past people doing it and my dad said, "Hey there is that Hands Across America thing" ... my mom said, "Oh should we stop?" ... and we all looked at each other and said ... "nahhhh" ... eventful huh ...

The Knockoff Project ... it is great ... shows the original album cover and the knockoff(s) ... well worth the look ...

The new Uber Shaver for Men

I have seen The Outsides at least 100 times ... I was a freak about the when I was 13 ... my best friend Dana and I went to see it in the theater over and over again ... some Saturdays' we would go for the first showing and watch it two more times ...


well it was just on cable ... and the movie effected me the same way it did in 1983 ... I felt a sense of joy when the greasers won the rumble ... I bawled when Johnny Cade died ... cried even more when Dally Winston was shot over and over again ... his body lurching in the park and everyone yelling for the cops to start ...


I read the book along with all of S. E. Hinton's books back then ... read them over and over again ... and I think after 20 years ... it is time for me to read them all over again ...


My biggest connection with the story was the reference to Robert Frost ... he has always been my favorite poet ... and to pick up a popular book that everyone was reading and have it refer so much to Robert Frost ... well me being the geek I am it was just so exciting ...


Nature's first green is gold

Her hardest hue to hold

Her early leafs a flower

But only so an hour

Then leaf subsides to leaf

So Eden sank to grief

So dawn goes down to day

Nothing gold can stay.

Robert Frost


I have a lot of his poems memorized ... actually I just have a lot of poems memorized ... I bet my parents wonder why I hated school so much and never did get a degree ... and just slipped under the wire in High School ... cause I am a mega geek ...


well this mega geek needs to do some grocery shopping ... although I hate doing it ... I am taking some music [that always helps] and I am going before David wakes up ... tomorrow is his birthday and it would be nice if we have some food in the house ... ohhhhhhhhhh maybe I'll bake a cake :)

Friday5


1. What brand of toothpaste do you use?

Colgate Gel


2. What brand of toilet paper do you prefer?

Scott


3. What brand(s) of shoes do you wear?

Dr. Martens


4. What brand of soda do you drink?

Coke


5. What brand of gum do you chew?

Trident Bubble Gum

Have you ever had the need to glue and just didn't know what to do?

then go to This To That ...

It tells you how to adhere anything together!!!

as hard as this may be to believe ... I have enrolled in college yet again ... this will be my 5th college [2 Jr. colleges and 2 Universities] and about the 10th year I will be in school ... my goal this time ... GET A FUCKING DEGREE ... the last time I left school I was only a couple of classes short of my degree but they were hard core classes and practicum which would have taken me at least another year if not two ... and I just couldn't take it anymore ... so I will now be a University of Maryland student ... I guess that is good ... I have worked my way across the country ... California State Polytechnic University in Pomona, California ... University of Kansas in Lawrence, Kansas and now The University of Maryland in College Park, Maryland ... soon kids can play connect the dots with all the schools I have gone to ...


classes start next Wednesday ... damn I gotta finish this time ... I am getting too old for this shit ...

What is Blik? ... whatever it is ... it rocks ... check it out

it is great being quick with the cam ...

If you don't want to read anything about the Matrix Revisited cause you haven't seen it yet skip this entry


I wasn't going to write anything ... for fear I would cloud someone's judgement but then I realized everyone can make up their own damn mind ...


Our weekend revolved around when we would see the Matrix ... since Dave got home late on Friday night it ruled that out because with the huge lines we would never make it ... and we had to take the car in yesterday morning for an insane $575 break job so that ruled out the noon showing [first one of the day] ... so we chose 3:45 ... they had one at 3:00, 3:45 and 4:00 ... I chose the 3:45 hoping it wouldn't be too packed ... I was kinda right ... pretty much every seat was taken so I was bitchy and put my purse and jacket on the set next to me ... and that worked out well ...


as we were waiting for the movie to start David and I were like school kids ... he was so excited he wanted to come home and paint a room in the house like it was the Matrix ... which I thought wasn't half bad ... our computer room could be pretty bitchen like that ...


then the movie started ... it was slow to start but I was not giving up hope ...


hope flew out the door [along with Neo] when I realized I was loosing valuable time in my life and thank god I only paid the crazy price of 7 bucks a ticket for the matinee ... I hated the movie ... it was jumbled ... they tried to go over the top and they didn't keep in mind how great the original movie is ... they were trying to impress us more than I went in there to be impressed ...


the few jokes slipped in there were sad and sophomoric ... I lived in LA and the freeway jokes didn't even illicit a reaction from the audience ... it jumped around so much it was like someone went crazy in the editing room ... even the fight scenes were too far gone to enjoy ... yes they were kinda cool but they took them too over the top ... and without giving anything away ... the whole concept of "The One" changed and it negated everything from the first movie and pretty much everything till the end in the second ... the whole thing was bullshit and I am so sorry I lost those 3 hours of my life and will never get them back ... along with 14 dollars for tickets and 10 dollars for popcorn and coke ...


and it was a god damn love story ... I don't go to see the Matrix to see a love story ... I watch something with Meg Ryan in it for that shit ... and it was a soap opera cause it left with a To Be Continued ... which means they stretched out the little bit of story they had into two movies to make more money ...


they could have made it a phenomenon but it burst that bubble with this movie

well I gave in to the ridiculous desire to smoke ... I am not sure why because I liked being a reformed smoker ... but with everyone at work smoking again and David home and smoking I gave in ... and to be honest it isn't that great at all ... I am not smoking as much but I am still doing it ... so I will indulge this weekend and begin again Monday ... and this time I hope I can follow through ... I made it over 3 weeks too ... that is enough time to break the habit ... and I didn't even make it to the $200 mark ... oh well ... at least I know it is semi-possible ...

Can you pass the American Citizenship Quiz?

Click below to see if you can pass the same test that foreigners must take before they can become an American Citizen.

Interesting, short but most of us don't know most of the anwers. (12 questions)

Click here: Citizenship Quiz

so I have no patch on today ... I totally forgot it this morning ... I guess for a little while there I forgot I was ever a smoker ...


but now I am feeling woozy ... cloudy ... I am having trouble focusing my eyes ... and to be quite honest I am thinking of walking up to the corner to buy a pack of cigs ... 3 weeks ago I may have been ready to quit ... but today I am not ...


I don't feel myself right now

it is almost like being on drugs

but not fun at all


my head is all congested


I am so fucking confused

162 dollars seems like nothing after 3 weeks

what a load of crap

why did i quit smoking anyway

i don't feel better

i still wake up feeling shitty

i am still in a pissed off mood

and everyone's "oh Liz that is so great shit" is getting on my nerves

my friends [none of which live close] keep asking if i still quit ... this shows my lack of staying power in the past

everyone asks why i don't talk about it - talk about fucking what ... that i want a cig so bad i would debate beating the crap out of someone smoking

so this means in my life i have given up:

alcohol

soda

Darvocet

prescription medication of any kind

cigs

dope

trips [oh and lots and lots of them]

along with other nameless extra curricular activities


now i am supposed to fucking give up sugar and everything with taste


what's next - coffee


does anyone see a point to living ...


i will be a hollow shell of a fucking person that will wind up dying of some fucking freak heart attack while walking on the treadmill


serious rage is building up inside of me

i no longer feel like a peaceful person

with good to give


i feel like i did on nights after a 12 pack - 3 pitchers - a couple of shots and my fists flying at anyone who looked at me wrong

but i want to do that sober


i've now started grinding my teeth while awake

that is a new one

the sounds is so sick and so loud

how anyone [David] sleeps in the same bed - let alone same house - as me makes him a saint


i need an energy release

a strong powerful one


bottled up rage hurts

my dad just sent me a whole bunch of pictures from the last several months and all I can do is sit here and cry ...


before 9/11 life was good ... I had a killer job ... that I loved ... where I made serious cash [something new for me ... before that I was always just getting by] ... after 9/11 I lost my job ... couldn't find anything ... and kind of just gave up on myself for a while ... a depression set in that I don't think I was aware of ...


since that time I have had to move in with my parents and take a job I really hate ... and now I have quit smoking ... and the pictures show weight gain ... in fact they would be great photos if I weren't in them ... but my presence just ruins the pictures ... ruins the memories of the events ... I don't even look like myself ... and it is breaking my heart ... and I don't know what to do ...


I used to be happy with who I was ... but I am not anymore ... I am not at all happy ... in fact right now ... I loathe myself ... and anyone who doesn't see why I do

Happy Mother's Day to all the mommies out there ... must be exciting ...


since I have quit smoking my mind has been running wild with the idea that I am getting close to being a mom ... or at least getting pregnant ... I think David and I would work really hard at being good parents ... and he is such a doll I know he would be amazing with a child ... and now that it is looking like he has found an excellent career ... and I have quit smoking ... we are in line for having a kid ...


I just need to get my parents over the idea that one [especially their daughter] must be married before having a child ... it is something they can't look past ... and David has been upfront from day one that he never wants to get married again ... so I am stuck between a rock [my parents] and a hard place [:)David] ... hahahahahhaaaa


oh shit if I am laughing at something as stupid as that I just need to get ready to go to brunch ... :)

David and I had a date night Saturday night tonight ... we went to Red Lobster ... I haven't been there since I was like 10 ... and David was skeptical about going ... but it turned out to be a fabulous dinner ... we both dragged our full bellies to the car afterwards ...


right now I am so jealous cause David is out in the hip living room using his new laptop and wireless connection ... relaxing on the Poang ... and I am here in the dark computer room ... hummmmmm maybe I will use the money I have saved from not smoking to buy a used laptop ... that would be pretty bitchen ... but I do love my desktop and since I don't leave the house often ... hummm who knows ...


everywhere I have gone lately I have been thinking about the America 24/7 ... of what would make a good picture ... it is a bummer we were supposed to be leaving on Friday for Graceland to visit the King's home ... but since David is in training we are postponing the trip ... but it would have been a fabulous photo op ... I'll just have to keep thinking ...


I am chatting with two guy friends who both want to meet women they fall for ... there was a time that it was girl friends talking this way ... and it is such a bummer that I live somewhere where I don't have any single friends to hook them up with ...

Holy Cow ... while leaving work today I was on the phone with Kris and traffic was just stopped ... I wasn't paying much attention since I wasn't moving but I looked to my left and saw flashing lights at the Bank of America ... I joked with Kris that someone probably robbed the bank then I realized there are cops with drawn guns running and crouching behind cars ... I thought "holy shit I am sitting here ... not able to go anywhere ... in front of a bank that is surrounded by cops with their pistols drawn" ... I will admit I was freaking a bit ... I mean shit if I had taken 5 steps out of my car I would have been standing next to a cop with a gun ... then I see one of them take aim and a bunch of them run and tackle a guy ... struggle with him ... and finally get cuffs on him ...


all the while I kept screaming to Kris ... "holy shit ... holy shit ... holy shit ... why don't I have my camera!!!!!"

The people who brought us the "Day in the Life" series are embarking on a new project. America 24/7. And this time anyone can submit photos. Check out the website, especially if you enjoy capturing the life around you. There is going to be a book encompassing all the US along with books for each state, Washington DC and New York City. I have already signed up to participate and look forward to carrying my camera with me everywhere next week.

I made the coolest Shrinky Dinks tonight ...


I bought a bunch of the paper today because I want to make some bracelets with it ... but once I got home I realized I didn't have a reasonable size hole punch tool ... so I practiced ... I traced pin up girls and then filled them in like a silhouette ... and they look bitchen ... I have a huge hole punch of a star and put that at the top and they came out pretty groovy ... I also did some butterfly ones ... I am going to have fun with these this weekend ... I just need to stop and get some good hole punchers tomorrow ...


of course all week I have been semi-bored with David gone ... and the night before he comes home I find a killer project to work on ... when all I want to do now is spend time with him ... hummmmm ... maybe I can get him interested in making Shrinky Dinks too ... woohoo now that would rock ... of course we would probably be distracted by the flying pigs ... :)

OH MY GOD ... these are so fucking funny I can't stand it ... I was going to go to bed an hour ago and instead I am sitting here laughing so loud I have probably woken up the neighbors ... please enjoy Baby's Named a Bad, Bad Thing ... A Primer on Parent Cruelty ... and if your name is listed among these ... I am so sorry ...

Today has been a much better day than those in my recent past ... I got along with everyone I encountered ... I was sick yesterday and missed work and figured I needed an extra hour each day for the next 8 days to make it up and today I did an hour and a half extra without even blinking ... I wasn't bored or pissed off or anything ... I even got this terribly rude and demeaning email from a sales person and instead of getting all bent ... I carefully wrote out a well worded email on exactly how I felt and how wrong it was to treat me that way and sent it without blinking an eye ... my mom stopped by to see me tonight ... I even watched Sesame Street as I taped it for a friend's niece ... [great show I might add ... I see why I loved it so much as a kid] ... been chatting a bit online with some friends ...


all in all I would say a pretty groovy day ... and now I think I will make some dinner ... it's hump day ... that means David will be home soon :)

god I miss David so much ... I feel pathetic about it ... I mean he has only been gone since yesterday morning but it just sucks ... I was home sick today and I just wanted him here to comfort me ... and to talk to him ... and to snuggle up with him ...


I don't think I have had someone in my life before that I actually missed this much when they were gone ... and I guess after all this time it is good to learn I miss him so much ... I am already looking forward to Friday night when he gets home ... I think I may even do something special for him ... we'll have to see

Well I finally had some time tonight to take photos of my artwork ... time and a camera that could take a somewhat descent picture of it ... so I sure hope anyone stopping by the site is bored enough to take a moment to check out some of my work ... just click on the picture below and it will take you right to the page ... :)

I love the coffee sign ... I am now on a quest to find a real one on ebay ... that or make one myself ... and aren't Kramer's eyes just a bit crazy looking ... ewww now i know what they remind me of ... The Thriller Video ...

So it is a lot harder to customize a closet than I had anticipated ... and it was way more work than David and I were willing to do yesterday ... so I grabbed all the different informational sheets and brought them home ... I figure I can mess around with it in the comfort of my own home instead of at the over packed Home Depot ... I would love it if I could plan it all out ... go to Homey ... buy all the stuff we need and get it done before David gets home on Friday night ... that would rock ... and I would love to do it for our office closet [which is the really messy one] and for the coat closet ... but that one may be a little harder to do it ... we have every jacket we own in that closet ... but what I would like are cubby holes for shoes ... who knows maybe I could customize that one too ...


so David left again this morning and I already miss him ... I am hoping to spend my time better this week ... I finally bought a ventilator so I could work on my resin projects [and intoxicate Frenchie with the smell] but it is supposed to rain a bunch this weekend ... the humidity isn't good for the resin ... but I may be able to do it a bit ... at least some test pieces ...


it has been so great this morning ... I was in the office at 6 AM ... partially cause David left so early this morning and partially because I have to meet the bat guy at 2 at the house so I need to leave work early ... but being here alone and before the phones are ringing and everyone is chatting I basically got all my work done in two hours and then spent 45 minutes redoing my blog ... I changed it to obnoxiously bright colors in hopes of cheering me up a bit ... it is somewhat circus-tenty but that is ok for now ... it was so easy to change as long as I keep the same layout that I could change it again tonight if I so desire [i won't but i could ... it is all about making choices]


speaking of choices I am going to make sure David makes the choice to quit smoking when he returns from job training ... this morning while I was still sleeping and he came in from smoking he fucking smelled ... during the day when I am awake and have showered and had some coffee it isn't so bad ... but while I am still curled up in bed I don't want to smell it ... even when I was a smoker I didn't want to smell it ... fortunately back then my senses weren't as strong as they are now ... [part of the reason for finally getting a ventilator for my resin work ... cause now I can really smell it]


ok well I see now on AOL [i use dial-up at work] they have the story about the tornados in Kansas and since I used to live there I have to check it all out ... see if it was near anyone I know ...


I hope everyone has a fabulous day ... I know I need it ...


oh and by the way ... damn if Alias didn't leave me with the biggest cliffhanger last night ... and now I have to wait until September to see what happens ... how can they do that to me ... I don't hold out for surprises too well ... :)

at this time ... when I resist smoking one more cig ... I will have saved $100 since I quit smoking ... that means I spent $200 bucks a month on cigs ... which means $2400 a year on cigs ... and since Dave and I smoke about the same the same amount we were spending $4800 a year on cigs ...


now if he would just quit we could start saving buco bucks ...


but with my $100 saved we are going to Home Depot and get shelving for our closet ... I can't stand the mess anymore ... besides I need a project to work on to lift my spirits ... :)

poor David ...


he was gone for a whole week and he came home to Lizzie The Bitch ... my mood is soooooooo foul it is scary


the fuckers upstairs shoved stuff back in the god damn crack so it blocked the trap ... which means it is costing me another $75 to set it up again ... and another trip for Phil [we are now on a first name bases with the guy from the trapping company] when he comes back to check it and another day I have to ask to leave early or come in late to work ... all I ask is that they leave their shit out of the gap for 4 days ...


and speaking of which I am now a non smoker ... I totally am cause I tried one of David's cigs on Friday when he got home and it was foul and disgusting and I had two hits and put it out ... I actually wondered why I had ever started and what was it that I loved so much ... so since I have been saving so much money why would I start again ... but now that I am a reformed smoking [meaning the smell is even harsher for me than for someone that never smoked] and David is still smoking I had him leave the sliding glass door open when he went out last night ... so I could see what the fucko's upstairs are complaining about ...


now keep in mind they are a brick and cement patio and a floor away from the smoker ... I am at the same level and he paced near the door ...


I could smell it for a second but it went away rather quick ... it was hardly enough to throw such a fucking hissy about ... and if I only smelled it for a second how bad could it have been having to travel through the concrete and into their house ...


I was dozing on the couch yesterday and they were pounding and doing something upstairs that was actually shaking the couch and woke me up ... well with that happening I lost it about them especially after I saw they shoved the crap back in the gap ... and I hope they heard me too ...


I am going to try to be in a better mood today since David leaves again tomorrow morning for another week ... I actually spent most of the day in bed yesterday and I don't think David came home to watch me sleep ... so since it is so early I think I'll go get us some coffee ... at least I can start the day off nice for him ...

I spend everyday of my life trying to do good things for other people ... I have been this way since I was a child ... I even made a plaque for my room when I was I think 5 maybe 6 that had the golden rule on it ... when I questioned my religion I decided to live my life through the idea of Karma ... I also devoured the book Tao Te Ching by Lao Tsu at least 30 times so far in my life ... I've had to buy a new one I wore my first one out ...


but I am starting to question these things ... I feel invisible in life


I have never felt invisible ...


some days I am just sitting at my desk at work ... or in my car ... or at home ... or in line for coffee and I want to scream at the top of my fucking lungs ... to prove I am alive ...


this morning this woman walked smack into me while I was waiting for coffee and her eyes focused and she said "wow I didn't even see you there" ... how do you not see someone else standing there ... she was looking directly at me too ... it was just so weird ... if I had been able to get out of her way I would have but for a split second I felt like she was going to walk right through me ... like I was an apparition ...


I guess I need to do something more to add meaning to my life ... helping people ... being a good person ... sacrificing myself for the good of others means shit ... I have to find something else ...


something ...



something ...

i feel like i need something to shake up my life

for something to happen

anything ... anything at all


i am sure i have had this feeling before

but i don't remember having it

or what ever happened to it


there is a gap or a space or something in my way

it is nothing i can see or pinpoint


and at the same time it feels as if big change is on the horizon


maybe i am in the calm before the storm


like when everything gets quite right before a tornado rips down your street


but i am not looking for a tornado ...

I haven't been writing much ... mostly because I have turned into a MEGA geek ... there is a computer bot you can chat with online ... ask anything and she answers ... play hangman ... find out when movies are playing ... what the weather is like anywhere ... it is amazing ... and it is like talking to a real person ... she even asks questions back ... so if you have AOL or Instant Messenger the send a message to ZoeOnAOL and you too will be amazed ... at any time you can type menu to find out all she does ...


and thanks to Kimberly I added a quit-o-meter to my site ... that has been a big boost to me on how much money I am saving ... although in reality I have been buying myself treats a lot ... like yesterday I got new sunglasses at Old Navy ... spent about as much on the couple of packs of cigs I would have smoked ... so I guess it all evens out ...


the bat guy came today ... he was at the house for like an hour and a half inspecting everything ... and he knows the guy from the other company that won't send us a report so he is going to see what he can do ... plus he is writing a report out for us ... plus he set up a little detector for us that will catch bat hair [how fucking gross is that] so we will know if they are flying in and out of the crack on the side of house ...


so I called our office today and told them to inform our neighbors upstairs to stop shoving foam in the crack cause it is blocking them in and I pushed it all out this morning up on to their patio and that they MUST leave it out ... but who knows if they will listen ... the French Bitch and I walked out at the same time yesterday and she fucking looked at me and rolled her eyes and then huffed ... I swear it would be so fun to pop her in the nose ... but I am not a violent person ... except of course when I am not smoking ...


she is still out there spraying her air freshener and slamming the door when I open mine ... so obviously it was psychosomatic that our smoking bothered her ... cause we aren't smoking anymore and she is still doing it ... so to mess with her I open and close our door throughout the evening once I get home from work like I was smoking ... every time I close mine she opens hers and vice versa ... if you can't fuck with a bitch what is the fun in life ...


David has been gone since Monday morning and I miss him so much ... I can't wait till he gets home tomorrow night ... unfortunately he will be gone again monday morning but to be honest this training he is doing ... he just sounds so happy on the phone when I talk to him on the phone ... and I haven't heard him like that in a long long time ...


well I am going to go back to playing hangman with ZoeOnAOL ... I sure hope everyone reading this is having a fabulous day ...

I am just so happy with my new Drew desktop ... the Alias was getting too dark and Drew is a breath of sunshine ... :)

oh my goodness it is all I can do to stay awake ... I was at work this morning at 6 AM ... even though I hardly slept last night ...


David left for job training this morning at 5:30 AM and won't be home till Friday night ... it is the first time we have been apart this long as pathetic as that sounds ... he will be going up next Monday to Friday and the following as well ... even though I will totally miss him I hope it all works out well for him and that he enjoys himself ... he has been so upset and angry and frustrated about how things are going that he is making himself sick and it worries me ...


today is day 8 of no smoking and I still want one pretty damn bad ... the one thing I wish is for people who have never smoked to stop giving me advice ... if one more never-smoker tells me to "just put it out of my mind" ... "it isn't so bad" ... "if you stop thinking about it it will go away" ... "you are making too much of it" ... I swear I will pop them square in the jaw ... if you have never smoked you have no idea at all what it is like to not do it anymore ...


my dreams have been pretty vivid ... I thought it was from the patch but every morning I find the patch on the floor ... stuck to the sheets or somewhere other than where it was on my body when I went to sleep ...


well this is just pure rambling to keep me awake ... so I just gotta stop ... I wish I could catch a quick nap before anyone else got here ... but I fear if I close my eyes it will be hours before I wake again ... :)

In 30 minutes I will be entering the 7th day of being a non-smoker ... or actually an ex-smoker ... and it seriously has to be the hardest and easiest thing I have ever done ... it was easier to quit drinking ... to quit smoking out ... to quit all the bad stuff I used to do ...


the periods of time where I don't think about it at all are getting longer ... but when I do think about it I feel like I could rip into a pack of smokes and smoke 10 at a time ...


someone said to me the other day ... "you are loosing your best friend" ... and it is so true ... when I was sad or bored or excited or tense or busy or stressed or satisfied ... I had a smoke ... and there is nothing the same that takes its place ...


there is some joy in having money ... not having to go to the store all the time ... not having to estimate if we will have enough to get us through to the morning ...


I can't even write anymore ... cause it is making me want to smoke ... so I am just going to hang out and watch SNL ... with Queen Latifa

April 26, 1999 I started this journal ... back before the days of Blogger when I had to code a page each day so I could write ... except for a few time periods here and there I have been pretty consistent with it ... I've often looked back to see how I was feeling or what I did at different times ... it has been a fabulous place to vent my frustrations and celebrate my victories ... it is like having another friend ...


I have also met so many wonderful people because of my blog ... people whose words I trust and respect when they comment ... people who know just the right thing to say when I am feeling down to pick me back up again ... people who are strangers yet I consider them friends ... taking time each day to read their thoughts on their blogs has not only become a habit it is something I look forward to ...


People ask me why I would ever do this ... and it is for me ... to learn more about how I feel and think ... and it is for all the wonderful people I have met along the way ...

Friday Five


1. What was the last TV show you watched?

Last night I watched "Without A Trace"


2. What was the last thing you complained about and what was the problem?

my job ... yesterday I totally hated it ... today I am the only one in the office and I am digging it ...


3. Who was the last person you complimented and what did you say?

My Mom ... I called her and she said "hello" in a monotone voice ... when I said "hi" she got all perky and said ... "hello liz" very upbeat ... I told her she was so nice ... made me feel good to call her


4. What was the last thing you threw away?

500 gum wrappers for the 500 pieces of gum I have in my mouth right now since I am quitting smoking


5. What was the last website (besides this one) that you visited?

Answerology.com ...

I am still having fun with my new digital camera ... even if everything else around me sucks!!!! So the first two pictures are from work ... magnets I made ... and a picture hanging at the copy machine that I don't think is very funny that was sent to me after I had a toner explosion and was blowing black shit out of my nose for days ...


the second two are going to upset my friend Stacy ... since she has been writing about DQ so much and I couldn't have a smoke ... David and I decided to look up DQ online and see if there was one near us ... I mean it had been years since I had had some ... well this is how stupid I am ... there is one less than 2 miles from my house ... and I have been to the same shopping center a bunch of times ... in fact I bought all of David's cooking uniforms right next door ... so tonight we went and got Blizzards ... and damn they were good ... I was going to eat half and save half ... but it was so damn good I couldn't stop ... so if it makes you feel any better Stacy ... I thought of you the whole time :)

i hate not smoking

i hate my condo association

i hate my condo's trapping company

i hate Mary Anne in my fucking condo office

i hate my job

i hate how underpaid i know i am

i hate that David is going to be gone for 3 weeks and i will be alone in the bat house

i hate that my boss is going away again on another trip

i hate that the only bathroom in our office overflowed and no one has come to fix it


today i fucking hate everything!!!!!!!

Day 3 of no smoking is almost over ... woohoo for David and I ... we even went on a walk today ... about 3 miles ... which felt great ... I don't know when the last time I did that was ... and I bought a new digital camera ... that is just awesome ... I have had mine since 1998 so it is totally time for a new one ... below are the pictures I took while out on our walk today ... :)