I am just so happy with my new Drew desktop ... the Alias was getting too dark and Drew is a breath of sunshine ... :)

oh my goodness it is all I can do to stay awake ... I was at work this morning at 6 AM ... even though I hardly slept last night ...


David left for job training this morning at 5:30 AM and won't be home till Friday night ... it is the first time we have been apart this long as pathetic as that sounds ... he will be going up next Monday to Friday and the following as well ... even though I will totally miss him I hope it all works out well for him and that he enjoys himself ... he has been so upset and angry and frustrated about how things are going that he is making himself sick and it worries me ...


today is day 8 of no smoking and I still want one pretty damn bad ... the one thing I wish is for people who have never smoked to stop giving me advice ... if one more never-smoker tells me to "just put it out of my mind" ... "it isn't so bad" ... "if you stop thinking about it it will go away" ... "you are making too much of it" ... I swear I will pop them square in the jaw ... if you have never smoked you have no idea at all what it is like to not do it anymore ...


my dreams have been pretty vivid ... I thought it was from the patch but every morning I find the patch on the floor ... stuck to the sheets or somewhere other than where it was on my body when I went to sleep ...


well this is just pure rambling to keep me awake ... so I just gotta stop ... I wish I could catch a quick nap before anyone else got here ... but I fear if I close my eyes it will be hours before I wake again ... :)

In 30 minutes I will be entering the 7th day of being a non-smoker ... or actually an ex-smoker ... and it seriously has to be the hardest and easiest thing I have ever done ... it was easier to quit drinking ... to quit smoking out ... to quit all the bad stuff I used to do ...


the periods of time where I don't think about it at all are getting longer ... but when I do think about it I feel like I could rip into a pack of smokes and smoke 10 at a time ...


someone said to me the other day ... "you are loosing your best friend" ... and it is so true ... when I was sad or bored or excited or tense or busy or stressed or satisfied ... I had a smoke ... and there is nothing the same that takes its place ...


there is some joy in having money ... not having to go to the store all the time ... not having to estimate if we will have enough to get us through to the morning ...


I can't even write anymore ... cause it is making me want to smoke ... so I am just going to hang out and watch SNL ... with Queen Latifa

April 26, 1999 I started this journal ... back before the days of Blogger when I had to code a page each day so I could write ... except for a few time periods here and there I have been pretty consistent with it ... I've often looked back to see how I was feeling or what I did at different times ... it has been a fabulous place to vent my frustrations and celebrate my victories ... it is like having another friend ...


I have also met so many wonderful people because of my blog ... people whose words I trust and respect when they comment ... people who know just the right thing to say when I am feeling down to pick me back up again ... people who are strangers yet I consider them friends ... taking time each day to read their thoughts on their blogs has not only become a habit it is something I look forward to ...


People ask me why I would ever do this ... and it is for me ... to learn more about how I feel and think ... and it is for all the wonderful people I have met along the way ...

Friday Five


1. What was the last TV show you watched?

Last night I watched "Without A Trace"


2. What was the last thing you complained about and what was the problem?

my job ... yesterday I totally hated it ... today I am the only one in the office and I am digging it ...


3. Who was the last person you complimented and what did you say?

My Mom ... I called her and she said "hello" in a monotone voice ... when I said "hi" she got all perky and said ... "hello liz" very upbeat ... I told her she was so nice ... made me feel good to call her


4. What was the last thing you threw away?

500 gum wrappers for the 500 pieces of gum I have in my mouth right now since I am quitting smoking


5. What was the last website (besides this one) that you visited?

Answerology.com ...

I am still having fun with my new digital camera ... even if everything else around me sucks!!!! So the first two pictures are from work ... magnets I made ... and a picture hanging at the copy machine that I don't think is very funny that was sent to me after I had a toner explosion and was blowing black shit out of my nose for days ...


the second two are going to upset my friend Stacy ... since she has been writing about DQ so much and I couldn't have a smoke ... David and I decided to look up DQ online and see if there was one near us ... I mean it had been years since I had had some ... well this is how stupid I am ... there is one less than 2 miles from my house ... and I have been to the same shopping center a bunch of times ... in fact I bought all of David's cooking uniforms right next door ... so tonight we went and got Blizzards ... and damn they were good ... I was going to eat half and save half ... but it was so damn good I couldn't stop ... so if it makes you feel any better Stacy ... I thought of you the whole time :)

i hate not smoking

i hate my condo association

i hate my condo's trapping company

i hate Mary Anne in my fucking condo office

i hate my job

i hate how underpaid i know i am

i hate that David is going to be gone for 3 weeks and i will be alone in the bat house

i hate that my boss is going away again on another trip

i hate that the only bathroom in our office overflowed and no one has come to fix it


today i fucking hate everything!!!!!!!

Day 3 of no smoking is almost over ... woohoo for David and I ... we even went on a walk today ... about 3 miles ... which felt great ... I don't know when the last time I did that was ... and I bought a new digital camera ... that is just awesome ... I have had mine since 1998 so it is totally time for a new one ... below are the pictures I took while out on our walk today ... :)

I finished "A Million Little Pieces" by James Frey today and I thought it was fabulous ... I devoured every word of it ...


I didn't smoke today ... and I am feeling pretty shitty ... so I am going to bed ...

I keep yawning but I totally can't sleep ... neither can David ...


we just smoked the last 2 cigarettes in the house ... when we have tried to quit smoking in the past I am bad ... I stash a couple of cigs somewhere for an emergency ... usually that emergency comes in less than 24 hours ... this time I am not doing that ... they are all gone ... there isn't one hidden anywhere ... but I also feel like this time I really want to do it ... I am sick of smoking ... sick of being winded when I go up 4 flights of stairs ... sick of the need ... the want ... the desire to do something bad to myself ... sick of spending the money ... sick of the addiction ... I sure hope this time we can do it ... this time I want to do it ...


this time I really want to do it

I've added some new links to my favorites section ... those would be the ones that say "new" in bright pink


first Answerology ... it is a new addiction for me ... you can go and anonymously ask questions for the same or opposite sex ... it is great ... and you get to read "Questions of the Day" ... it is a great way to kill time at work or home ... :)


next is Get Crafty ... Heather turned me onto this site this weekend and they have great message boards and project ideas ... so this summer I won't be lacking for something crafty to do ...


and finally Bulk Foods ... woohoo you can get good shit pretty cheap ... even candy from when I was a kid ... like BB Bats [of course I won't buy them now with all the bat problems I am having ... even if they are referring to baseball bats] ... and Mary Jane's ... and since David and I are going to once again attempt to quit smoking I bought a load a stuff there this weekend ... I can't wait till our package arrives ...


well I have put off going to sleep long enough ... I am going to go suck down a few more smokes and then hit the sheets ... tomorrow the day starts with a patch ...

I am reading the GREATEST book ... I started it Friday night and I am almost finished ... it is called "A Milling Little Pieces" by James Frey and it is about his experiences going into rehab and it is just fabulous!!! If you click on the picture above it takes you to his Random House website where you can read and hear excerpts from the book and learn about James Frey ... the book probably isn't for everyone but I have devoured it this weekend ...

1. Who is your favorite celebrity?

Drew Barrymore and Jennifer Garner ... they are both strong women who play strong roles ... besides they are groovy chicks


2. Who is your least favorite?

Jennifer Lopez ... her singing bothers the hell out of me ... and I don't think she deserves the diva status she feels is hers ... she isn't Bette or Cher ... please


3. Have you ever met or seen any celebrities in real life?

Several ... I grew up in Cali ... a bunch went to my school but my most memorable experiences were:

1) as a child ... at LAX while going up the escalator some man put his hand on mine on the hand rail ... I kinda tripped out that this strange man was touching me and he said "well you have to be just the cutest thing I have ever seen" ... I said "thank you" and looked at my mom with fear and she said ... "Elisabeth this is Kirk Douglas ... he is a movie star ... one day you will realize who said such nice things to you" and then he leaned down and kissed me on the cheek ... my parents were just in awe and I was all weirded out ...

2) in 6th grade I met Henry Winkler at the Children's Museum in Los Angeles ... I was with my girl scout troop and he is on the board of directors and he hung out in front of the museum and talked with all of us ...

3) In high school I won an award from the Newport Beach Police Department for service to my school and community ... it was a big to-do ... they pick 5 kids in Orange County and we had publicity pictures taken with Gil Gerard [Buck Rogers] but the very best part was we each had a celebrity as an escort to the Police Department Football game ... My escort was Steven Williams [21 Jump Street / X-Files / Blues Brothers] ... I couldn't believe I got to spend the evening with him ... 21 Jump Street was the only show I watched at the time ...


4. Would you want to be famous? Why or why not?

No ... I like my life the way it is ... unless I became famous for helping people ... that I could deal with


5. If you had to trade places with a celebrity for a day, who would you choose and why?

Jennifer Garner so I could be a cool spy on Alias for the day ... woohoo that would be cool ... :)

And the bat saga continues ...


I am sure everyone that reads this is tired of the bat stories just as I am tired of living them ... but so far this is my best record of everything


so today [and I should have stayed home] ... the trapping company our condo association uses came over ... the plan was to inspect our house and the attic of our building ... I know he inspected the house ... I have no idea if he checked the attic ...


he went into the dining room ... took the heating vent off the wall and told David there was a bunch of bat crap between the duct and the wall ... he sealed up the gap between the vent and the drywall and then went out onto the balcony ...


turns out fucking frenchie DID seal up their exit ... the gap that they sealed up with that god damn foam seems to have sealed a hole on the outside of the building they were using for a passage way ... when they got to the hole and couldn't get out they came through our wall and through the gap between the vent and drywall and into our home ... well frenchie and her husband scraped out all the foam weekend before last ... and the weather got cold so we didn't have any problems ... but then Saturday they filled the gap with some sort of removable foam and again the bat came in ...


now the guy checking it out seems to think they got enough of the foam out of the gap that the bats could come in and out again [not of our house but to the outside] but to test his theory he put some tissue paper up in the hole and told David to check on it to see if it moves ... he told him it was probably too cold for them to go out tonight [which means I may get a peaceful nights rest] but to still check on it ...


David instant messaged me at work and told me all that was happening ... I asked him to get paperwork from the guy because if it states that the bats came from the outside of the building and that frenchie's brilliant fucking idea trapped them in ... well the $700 bucks we have spent thus far will be paid by our wonderful upstairs neighbors and the condo association ... one of them will pay for sure ... but the trapper guy told David he would be leaving a report with our condo office and that he was going to check the attic ...


here is where the story gets fishy ... and I figured out there are 4 scenarios that could have taken place ...


when David left to pick me up at work he decided to stop by the condo office and ask for a copy of the report but they told him the guy never came by and that they had no paperwork and didn't know what happened ...


I called the trapping company and asked if I could get a copy of all paperwork and they said yes if I called Friday morning they would fax me copies of everything ... then I called the condo office and they said he never came by ... I said "well wasn't he supposed to check the attic ... didn't he need to get a key from you?" and she said "yes I thought he was going to check the attic" ... I questioned how he could do that if he never came by to get a key and she explained that he might have a copy from another job they did ... [sounds fishy if you ask me]


so tomorrow I will find out what really happened ... it was either ...


1) the guy never went into the attic or to the condo office and when he left our home he left the neighborhood

2) the guy went to the office to get a key for the attic ... checked out the attic ... left the key and a report with the office and they lied to us

3) he had a key ... checked out the attic ... took paperwork to the office and they lied to us

4) he had a key ... checked out the attic ... didn't leave any paperwork with the office [this is the only scenario that is acceptable to me]


if he didn't check out the attic today I will take on the rage and anger David has been displaying and you better damn well believe someone will be in our attic checking out the fucking bat situation before lunch tomorrow ... I have had enough of this dung ... this is my home and it is being invaded ...


and you can better believe if another one of those fucking flying rats comes in here I will call this company that came out today ... on a double time emergency call and tell them our condo association is paying and to fucking hightail their ass to my house to remove the creature ...


I hope for everyone's sake no one was lying to David cause he is beyond mad ... I try to calm him down and put my anger aside ... but being his Ghandi all the time is hard ...

Well no more American Idol for me ... fucking Carmen is still on the show ... and my favorite got the boot ...


I think her family bought a phone bank and are making all her classmates work it because it is a crime she is still on the show ...

Kris and I decided last night that is Carmen doesn't get booted off American Idol tonight we can no longer ... in good conscience ... watch the show ... personally I don't think she was ever good enough to go this far on the show but some how she keeps staying ... and we figured the some how was her parents buying a phone bank to keep the votes up ... people should really call in to vote someone off the show ... whomever gets the most has to leave ...


so we will watch the show tonight ... but if she is left sitting on the sofa that will be the last time I watch ...

so I didn't lay down and cry ...


instead David and I went to dinner and then spent forever in Home Depot looking for ways to bat-proof the house ... I think some of the ideas we came up with are good ...


there is no chance of moving ... the cost would be too great ...


but I'll say this ... when all this is taken care of ... I am suing my condo association for the money we have spent ... I have kept great notes on everything ...


I spoke with the trapper the association uses ... they are coming out on Thursday to inspect our unit and the attic ... and they said there is a possibility they are able to eradicate the bats now ... if they haven't had babies ... lets hope so cause he said "you don't want to be there when babies are born and you have a house full of them" ... have you ever heard anything so fucking gross ... shit buddy why don't you just stick your finger down my throat and help me throw up ...


ok ... work is finally over so it is home to the bat cave ... :)

I just don't think I can live like this any longer ...


David's anger is at an all time high ...


my nerves are shot cause of these fucking rodents ...


selling the place is out of the question ... we would loose too much money ...


I am worried about what David will do and right now I have enough to worry about ...


I just want to move ... I don't even want any of our shit ... I just want to get the fuck out of this house ... I am so sorry we ever bought it and I am starting to blame my parents ... we said no ... we weren't ready to own a place ... and it was too much of a rush to buy this one ... and it was just one big fucking mistake ...


owning a house is supposed to be so wonderful and I feel like we got the end of a shit stick ...


David and I are both cranky ... and tired ... and stressed ... and worried ... and screwed over ... and we are arguing ... I don't want this to be the straw that broke the camel's back ... we have dealt with too much shit to have some fucking bats be the end of us ...


I think I need to go lay down and cry for a while ...

I took the morning off work and in just a few minutes we are heading over to the condo office ... they MUST pay to have this building checked out for bats because David and I can no longer live like this ... by nature we are somewhat nervous people but this has pushed it into overdrive ... we don't sleep well cause every little sound is like another bat ... so both of us are constantly waking up and trying to sleep again ... I don't know my last night of good REM sleep ...


and today we are waiting for animal control to call to let us know if Kramer needs to be treated for rabies ...


ya know this is all bullshit ... I am ready to sell the place ... and I am even more convinced the people living here before us sold the place for the same reason ... I mean the place went on the market in May and it was ours the beginning of July after the original people fell through ... bullshit they were moving to Japan ... they were getting away from Bat Hell!!!

we had a totally wonderful evening ... everything David made was amazing ... I think everyone enjoyed themselves ...


after everyone left I put in another load of dishes ... started the dish washer ... watched the first two sketches of SNL and then got in bed with David to watch a little TV ... I couldn't wait to fall asleep ...


that is until we heard a crash ... bam ... and then a terrible high pitched squeal ... and then in our bedroom doorway is Kramer with a huge bat in his mouth ... a fucking bat in his mouth ...


I know he was proud and wanted to show us what he had done ... but I freaked cause the 2 times he has caught birds he runs under the bed to tear them apart so we can't reach him ... and I wasn't about to have him turn into Ozzy Osborne under my bed ...


David and I both jumped up and I slammed the bedroom door ... I dumped out a basket with nail polish so David had something to trap the bat under ... while he walked out I got dressed and then came out for the phone [i know now we need one in the bedroom] ...


I called the police department to find out the number for our animal control office ... while on hold David started calling for me ... I came out and saw David moved on to a bigger trap ... the trash can ... and needed me to get Kramer cause all he wanted was another round with the bat ...

I grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and since he is 18 pounds and I was holding the phone, a lipstick to write with and some piece of cardboard I dragged him to the bedroom and shut the door ...


I talked to animal control and as long as it is in your house ... which this one clearly was ... they come and get it for free ... and since Kramer had a fucking good hold on him he told us to keep out of contact with the cat for a couple of hours ... they would test the bat for rabies and then kill it ... [fine by me] ... but since it was so late they were going to have to page the guy on call ... it could take a while but he would get here ...


now we just needed to keep an eye on the bat ... so we watched SNL [thank goodness for TiVo] drank coffee and smoked cigs ... and just kept watching the bat ... right after we finished watching the guy from animal control showed up ...


he put on some mega gloves ... opened his cage ... picked up the trash can and pried the bat from the wire mesh ... once he dropped the bat in the cage the bat went crazy ... and I am glad I didn't see that till he was caught ... most of the time he was in the trash can he looked medium sized ... once his wingspan opened I could see he was pretty damn big ... he started squealing and trying to move around ... the guy said ... "wow that is a pretty good sized one" ... [not what I want to hear at 2 in the morning ... actually I NEVER want to hear that] ... he told us they would test the bat for rabies and if it tested positive we would hear within 48 hours and they would let us know what we need to do for Kramer ...


so of course now we can't fall asleep ... it will be daylight before I feel comfortable ...


as David said ... I guess it is a good time to do our taxes ... I just wish Starbucks was open ... :)

well the table is set ... the food is all ready ... snacks are on the table ... and it is 6:06 and no one is here yet ... I told everyone to be here at 6 and I told them we are on time with cooking ... so it isn't "get here at 6 but dinner won't be ready till 8:30" [like when we go to my brothers] ... if David and I were smart we would have planned around the fact that they are all always late ...


ok I am going to go take some pictures of how pretty everything looks and wait for everyone to get here ... :) I am hungry!!!

David is simply amazing ... tomorrow we are having my parents and my brother and sister-in-law over for dinner ... and David has been going crazy with getting ready all week ... he has been to the grocery store more times this week than the whole time we have been together ... he started prepping food on Thursday night ... then as soon as we got home from the grocery store tonight he started cooking ... and he is even leaving some reduction sauce on the stove all night tonight ... I am just amazed first of all at what an amazing chef he is ... it is sad he was soured by the business cause he has such a gift for the culinary arts ... and secondly that he is going to so much trouble for my family ...


he has been looking forward to us having a house where we could have everyone over because Jason and Jenny have had us to their house countless times to eat ... and well we lived with my parents for a year ... they fed us everyday ...


he is just amazing ... so I guess I should bust a move cleaning tomorrow so that I am participating in this extravaganza in some way ... I mean it is my family for goodness sake ... although I know they see Davie as part of the family ... :)


ok sappy thoughts are coming to mind which mean I should get in bed ...

The Friday Five


1. What was the first band you saw in concert?

Duran Duran at the LA Coliseum in 1984 I believe


2. Who is your favorite artist/band now?

Foo Fighters


3. What's your favorite song?

Scarlet Begonias by The Grateful Dead


4. If you could play any instrument, what would it be?

Drums


5. If you could meet any musical icon (past or present), who would it be and why?

Jerry Garcia ... because the Grateful Dead influenced a huge portion of my life so to meet someone who brought me such great joy would be amazing

I am totally a Target girl ... LOVE LOVE LOVE the store ... they have everything I need ... except today ...


today I needed to go to K-Mart ... they had what I needed ... it was a white set of dishes ... 84 pieces for 25 bucks ... you can't beat that ... and since we are having our first dinner party on Saturday night white dishes were a must ... especially since the price is for this week only ...


first of all I had no idea where a K-Mart was ... so after going online and finding two I waited on hold on the phone about an hour total between the two store to see if they had the dishes ... cause neither were too close ... the second one had them and we had to drive forever to get there ... but again it is 84 dishes for 25 bucks ... still worth the drive ...


now it has been a couple of years at least since I have been in a K-Mart ... and god damn if it isn't the crappiest store around ... nothing was in any kind of order ... shit was on any shelf any where ... automotive stuff was plopped on the shelf next to the cookware ... liquid fog for a fog machine sitting right there with the Pyrex bakeware ... tube socks next to the dishes ... just a mess ... so obviously with so many of the stores going out of business they just don't care about the ones that are left ...


but we got our dishes ... and a bitchen retro looking fan [i must have a fan blowing directly on me while i sleep and now i can do it in style] and with daylight savings made it home before dark ... woohoo this day ended well ...

hummm ... how to start this entry ...


as a kid I suffered insane cramps ... and when I say insane I am talking about passing out at school the pain was so bad ... I also suffered from horrible headaches ... later I would learn they were migraines ... at 12 years old my doctor gave me Darvocet for my headaches ... and it totally worked ... when the school called my mom to tell her that I had passed out from cramps my doctor told her I should take the Darvocet for the cramps as well ... to this day it is the only thing that ever worked ...


it was years before I learned it was a narcotic ... and no one around me ever seemed concerned that I was taking it ... I was able to get refills any time I needed it because I was supposed to just keep taking them as long as their was either pain in my head or belly ... and I did ...


7th, 8th, 9th, 10th grades passed and I was still riding strong on my perscription... in 11th grade I learned they were also great when I was overly stressed and couldn't fall asleep ... so that added to its uses ... cramps or headaches or insomnia = Darvocet ...


when I went off to college it was still easy for me to refill my prescription ... no one even asked me why I was taking it ... I just had to go in and tell them I had a prescription for Darvocet and they would issue me 100 more ... and 100 more ... and 100 more ... but I was smart ... people were always trying to get me to sell them some and I wouldn't ... to me I NEEDED them ... I wasn't doing this for fun ... my body had to have them to function on most days and I wasn't about to loose out on that ... these were a prescription ... I didn't see them as recreational drugs ... but at this point I had been taking them steadily for 10 years ...


eventually it got to the point where headaches were a daily occurrence ... and it got to where it was harder and harder to sleep ... there is a time in my life where I don't remember going a single day without taking the pills ... it was a way of life ... soon 100 pills weren't even lasting 3 weeks ... if that ... 1 pill at a time wasn't enough ... I needed two ... or three ... and I needed those 2 or 3 - 4 or 5 or 6 times a day ...


when I was 26 ... I went to see a migraine specialist because I was becoming incapacitated by headaches ... 14 years of taking Darvocet and this was the first doctor to realize I had a problem ... first he told me I was now having the headaches all the time because my brain needed Darvocet to function ... my brain knew that if it started to hurt I would pop some pills ... secondly he told me I was an addict ...


I was tempted to get up and walk out ... what a load of shit that was ... I did plenty of drugs in my day and would just stop when I got tired of them ... the only thing I was addicted to were cigarettes ... besides these were prescribed by several doctors ... not just one ... but many throughout the years ...


but then I started to listen to what he was saying ... and it all started to make sense ... and I realized the first thing I checked for in my purse when I was leaving the house were those big red pills ... I had been taking them for so long I even had a funky case to carry them in ... and I had them stashed all around the house for easy access ... bathroom ... bedside table ... coffee table ... kitchen ... an emergency supply in a suitcase in case I was running low and hadn't gotten to the pharmacy ... another urgent emergency supply in one of those fake Aqua Net hair spray bottles incase I went through my emergency supply before getting to the doctor for a refill ...


I started to freak out in the doctors office ... he took my supply off of me right then ... crushed them up in front of me and washed them down the sink ... I started shaking with fear ... in my head I was going over all the places I had them in the house ... and I knew I was too weak to get rid of them myself ... I would keep the stashes for emergencies if it was left up to me ... so I made a list and gave it to my mom ... and told her she had to get rid of every single one of them for me ...


I had to listen to a lecture by the doctor on detox ... I couldn't believe this was happening ... I couldn't believe I was loosing my best friend in the whole fucking world ...


unlike other addicts that were detoxing I was given a syringe ... my new migraine medicine I had to take by shooting myself up ... something I had never done ... I thought how fucking strange is this ... they are taking away my pills but giving me a needle ... I had a habit no one would notice and now they were giving me something that would leave evidence ...


in the back of my head I thought it would still be no big deal ... I mean it was just some prescription I wasn't going to take anymore ... whatever ... I was so fucking wrong it was scary ... I went to work in the morning even though the doctor told me not to ... I thought he was crazy thinking I was an addict ...


it wasn't even noon and I was sweating like a banshee and my head was screaming for pills ... I was scratching my arms up and shaking ... all while trying not to draw attention to myself ... well I think a whistle went off when I was crouched under my desk ... crying ... scratching ... sweating ... rocking back and forth ... and on the phone to my doctor begging for just one more pill ... I just needed one to get rid of my headache and then I would be fine ...


he kept trying to tell me this was just the drugs exiting my system and I kept telling him he didn't understand ...


my boss had to call my mom to come pick me up ... it was so embarrassing ... but what was worse is I just had to throw up before I got out the front door ... with all the drugs I have tried in my life I never felt as out of control as I did those two days ... after leaving work everything is kind of a haze ... I remember being so hot I thought I was frying ... to so cold I was yelling at my mom to close the fucking windows ... I remember trying to figure out a way to split my skull so I could just remove my brain ... I remember trying to figure out if I had kept one stash a secret ... I remember wanting to die ...


but the doctor was right ... after day 3 I was much better ... the desire was still there but I wasn't sick anymore and I was able to start using the new medicine ... which was non addictive ... and I learned to use a needle on myself pretty well ...


I started writing all this cause for 7 years ... once a month ... when cramps set in ... I dream of having a Darvocet ... it takes all my will power to resist ... the urge hasn't left my mind or body at all ... all day yesterday and today I kept wishing I just had one ...


but I think if someone offered me one I would still say no ... cause I don't ever ever ever want to go through not having them again ...

have you ever been sitting at work and been so mind-numbingly bored you didn't quite know what to do with yourself ...


I am having one of those days today ...

I wrote a little song earlier ... that I was going to post ... but reading it back it was lame as hell and I just couldn't hit the "post & publish" button ... but it was sung to Joy to the World ... but it was more of a celebration of my monthly visit ... 10 days ago we had a scare and all I have been waiting for was Aunt Flo to visit ... it was all I could think about ... I think it was the biggest stress right now ... I had trouble even writing in the blog cause every time I sat down I thought ... "what if I have to make that decision" ... and since my mind was totally clouded with that I couldn't write about anything else ...


so now that I have danced around the house like I was Mary Katherine Gallagher in "Superstar" I feel much better ...


I am sad that the University of Kansas lost tonight ... but it brings back memories of a crazy time ...


In 1991 I was going to school at KU ... Kris, Sean and I lived on Mass Street above the Mass Street Deli [it is now part of the restaurant] and KU had made it to the final game ... like tonight they lost but the town went crazy ... so being 21 and drunk we had to head up to campus to see what was going on ... it was a sea of people ... just crazy ... and the 3 of us got separated ...


somehow ... and this would only happen to me ... some guy smashed a beer bottle over my head and knocked me out ... I was lucky ... in a sea of drunk people it would have been easy to be trampled ... but some nice guy picked me up and carried me out of the thick of things ... and sat with me till I came to ... and sat some more till miraculously Kris wandered by and found me ...


after sobering up the next day I went to the health center to make sure I was ok ... I was having trouble walking straight ... turns out the crack on the head threw off my inner ear and for about 2 months I would randomly fall down ... walk at a total angle ... and have trouble standing from a sitting position ... it was often quite humorous ... I remember showing up to a party sober and falling on my way up the lawn to uproarious laughter and hearing ... "dude Liz is already drunk" ...


ahhhhhhhh good times ...

the people upstairs started scraping all the foam out of the opening ... it was flying on the deck and they seemed to be having a hard time with it ... instead of sitting out there and smoking and driving them crazy while they were working we decided to come into the office to have a cig ...


David prefaces his conversation with "Honey I love you ... " I asked where the "but" was cause that is how he starts bad news ... he said "Honey I love you ... but don't be mad at me and please don't yell" ... I said "I can't promise anything but tell me what is going on ..."


well it turns out David sent letters to everyone on the board of directors of the condo association and the people in the office telling them about the foam ... copying info from the bat sites about how they only needed 1/4" of space to get in ... about the problems we have been having ... and how terribly unsightly the foam and newspaper was ... in fact to quote David I believe he said "he had seen better paper machet from his 5 year old nephew" ...


the woman in the office wrote back and told him there was no way the foam brought the bats in ... but he was insistent ... he sent pictures of the foam ... more info on bats ... and copied the condo rules that sate you can't make any permanent alterations to your patio and wasn't sealing foam permanent ...


well within 10 minutes he had an email from the president of the association and within 30 minutes they were out there scraping the shit out ...


I think he started all this cause we were told they were going to get rid of it yesterday ... and I think they decided they were just going to leave it ... but I guess the board was having nothing of that ...


now I don't know ... do I get mad that he writes to everyone with I know rude comments and all his anger ... or do I be happy that someone in this family has balls and doesn't give a shit what anyone thinks about him and say fuck it to those that give us grief ...


I am feeling the fuck it more than the getting upset ... so I guess I ... right now ... I am pretty lucky to have Davie around ... :)

We spent the first half of the day sleeping ... I woke up at like 7:30 till 11 and was still tired and didn't have anything pressing to do ... it was raining and icky out so I went back to bed till like 2:30 ... it was nice getting so much sleep ...


once we were finally up and ready to go out we headed to Starbucks and enjoyed the wonderful weather by sitting outside and having coffee ... then we went and saw Bringing Down The House ... and it was so funny ... I really enjoyed it and we were both laughing the whole time ... The Queen is the bomb ... I just love her ...


we had dinner at the diner which was delicious ... it turned out to be Saturday Night Date Night and I had a blast ...


since we have been home we have been hanging out in the computer room working on this and that ... and our upstairs neighbors are either practicing Tae-Bo or they are moving ... and I doubt we are lucky enough for it to be the latter ... whatever they are doing it includes opening and slamming the sliding door about 6 times in the last 2 hours ... it couldn't be cause of smoking cause we haven't had that many since we have been home ... and the stomping around is shaking the artwork on the wall ...


well Bernie Mac is on Saturday Night Live ... so I think it is time to kick back and laugh some more tonight ... cause you really can't laugh too much in one day ... :)

I am terrible at writing a check ... finding a stamp ... and sending a bill ... I usually wind up calling on the due date and paying with my bank card ... so I thought I would sign up for bill pay through my bank ... it says "fast and easy" ...


bullshit ... it has taken me forever to enter info for 2 bills ... and I have 4 more to go ...


but I can't give up now ...

I found a way to make a difference and do something good for someone else ... I have turned in an application for Adopt A Platoon ... not everyone gets to do it but I sure hope they pick us ... it sounds like a wonderful program ... I have to adopt a soldier ... since I can't really afford to adopt the whole platoon ... but I am thinking of asking work if we can adopt a platoon if this works out ...


check out their List of Suggestions for things the soldiers need and want ... they are totally do-able ... as I read it I thought ... "well I get a lot of that stuff for myself ... it wouldn't be hard to just grab an extra" ... so that is what I plan to do ...


you have to send a card a week of encouragement and at least one care package a month ... but I think I would send more than that ... it is such an easy thing to do ... and can you image how happy it will make someone ... I am feeling a little weepy thinking about it ...


so if you are wanting to do something for the men and women serving our country please check out the AdoptAPlatoon.org website ...

so on the home front ... I don't want to jinx myself but as things sit ... Kramer seems to freak out a little bit each night ... staring at the vent in the ceiling ... we hear things here and there but haven't come face to face with one in a couple of days ... but I still haven't relaxed ... as soon as it is sundown I start thinking about it ...


now I am sure the neighbors upstairs are TOTALLY hating us right now ... since all this bat shit happened management has been to both our house and they HATE the foam ... it is a permanent addition to their patio which isn't allowed ... so they are supposed to take it out this weekend ... I told the office if it helps them to let them go ahead and fill the whole thing across we will put drop cloths on our patio so they don't have to worry ... but the association is making them remove it ... they also feel that it could have sealed a crack that was allowing bats out and that is now why they keep coming into our house ...


but I don't think they realize what they are in for ... I spent a couple hours trying to get the foam off the ground and the railing and it is still there ... I mean most of it is off but not all of it ... I feel like leaving a note that says "fill the whole damn thing with foam we won't tell" ... :) but David would have nothing of the sort ...


yesterday morning French Bitch and I walked out at the same time ... I hauled ass to my car cause I didn't need confrontation first thing ... I think that is why I am procrastinating this morning so we don't walk out together ... what a dork I am huh ... :)

I am slowly killing myself all sorts of ways ...

smoking

eating nothing healthy

stressing about fucking bats

am I helping enough people along the way

letting people at work get to me

contemplating where my life is going

wondering why marriage feels so important

will I ever have kids

do I want kids

am I getting too old to have healthy kids

will we ever not stress over money

will the bastards upstairs ever move

can I ever loose the weight I want to loose

can I stick with yoga

am I a good friend to the few I have

what could I do to make the world better

what could I do to make myself better


all of these things weigh on my mind ALL THE TIME ... sometimes I can't even hear people talking to me cause my mind is going over so many other things that I forget to listen ... when it is really quiet ... like if I don't turn on music when I lay down to sleep ... I can actually hear the buzz of myself thinking ... and it keeps me awake ...


just writing about all these stresses is making my heart beat incorrectly ...


funny thing is anyone who knows me thinks I am the most laid back ... easy going ... not a worry in the world person ...


but lately all I can wonder is ... what is my purpose???


PS ... I have ALWAYS had a problem believing in a higher power [i had my bat mitzvah for the party] so I am not speaking of my purpose for God ... but for myself