my dad just sent me a whole bunch of pictures from the last several months and all I can do is sit here and cry ...


before 9/11 life was good ... I had a killer job ... that I loved ... where I made serious cash [something new for me ... before that I was always just getting by] ... after 9/11 I lost my job ... couldn't find anything ... and kind of just gave up on myself for a while ... a depression set in that I don't think I was aware of ...


since that time I have had to move in with my parents and take a job I really hate ... and now I have quit smoking ... and the pictures show weight gain ... in fact they would be great photos if I weren't in them ... but my presence just ruins the pictures ... ruins the memories of the events ... I don't even look like myself ... and it is breaking my heart ... and I don't know what to do ...


I used to be happy with who I was ... but I am not anymore ... I am not at all happy ... in fact right now ... I loathe myself ... and anyone who doesn't see why I do