Well I leave for North Carolina tomorrow night

 

December 22, 1999

Well I leave for North Carolina tomorrow night ... and I probably should have packed today ... but that is just too soon for me ... especially when it doesn't take me that long ... and my flight doesn't leave till 12:30 AM ... I mean Kris is taking me to the airport at 10ish so I have the whole day tomorrow ...  I am going to get my hair cut in the morning ... I want to get bangs ... I think it would look good with the style ... but Kris and my mom both say "no way" ... and "don't come crying to me when you hate it" ... hahahaaa ... so now I don't know ... the only time I have tried bangs is with my hair curly and they suck ... they look horrible ... but with straight hair I think they might be cute ... ahhh I will see what the woman says tomorrow ... who knows ... I mean it will always grow out if I hate it ...  Kris brought my new suitcase over tonight ... my dad picked a rockin one ... I like it ... I just can't decide if I should pack my Christmas gifts or carry them on the plane ... either way they are going to be a pain ... and everyone keeps telling me I shouldn't have wrapped them cause I will probably have to open them ... but with an x-ray I don't know why I would have to ...  I was thinking of staying up all night since I am flying on the red eye tomorrow night ... so I would for sure sleep ... cause I get in Christmas eve morning and we are going to my aunts house ... which is just going to wear me out big time ... it has been years since my whole family was there together ... ack ... hard core visiting ... and that whole ... "why no boyfriend" crap ... ahhh the joy of the holidays ... I will give them only 5 times of "let us fix you up with a nice southern guy so you will move here" before I scream ... for all I know they will have some guy "stop by" for dessert on Christmas eve ... hahahaha ... oh man ... I wish my family would stop thinking they could find me the perfect guy ... I just don't think they would know what I really would like ... I mean really like ... they know me well ... but not that well ... I think I have too kinky of a side for them to figure out ...  I have so many errands to run tomorrow morning ... thank god I don't have a morning flight ... I don't do well with those when I am going somewhere ... when I am coming home I am good at those ... but not leaving home ...  I haven't heard from my friend Devin since he left on his trip ... he said he was taking his lap top ... and we would be able to chat ... but I guess not ... cause no chatting or email since he left ... kinda bummed about that ... but I guess he hasn't been able to connect or just having so much fun doesn't wanna waste time online ... I am kind of looking forward to 4 days online free ... we are hooking my grandmother up with a computer for Christmas ... but I won't be hanging out online ... got a book I have been dying to read ... so I will hopefully finish it while I am gone ...  I haven't heard from Eric again either ... but it isn't a big deal ... if he were at home I would be bummed out but I know he is busy and visiting his parents and doesn't have any privacy ... and when I get back from my trip he will be back in Maryland ... so I will see how everything goes then ... I don't wanna be hyper ... cause I actually dig him and how often does that happen ... {smile} ...  I have been wondering about taking the cam to the New Year's Eve party I am going to ... seems kind of like a pain in the ass ... not sure I want to do it ... I would like to have all the pictures from it ... and if I can get my old computer working I may do it ... but I don't know ... shit I don't even wanna go to the party ... I would love to just hang out here ... watch movies ... actually if I could have my choice of things to do as it turned to 2000 it would be to be having great sex ... what a way to bring in a new year ... but without that being an option ... and my friends wanting to be with me ... I will be going to the party man I should be getting to bed ... I must vibe out before I go to sleep cause I don't think I will be getting a chance to do it for the next 4 days ... and ya know when you can't do it is when you want to ...  shit the longer I stay up the more I wanna have sex ... I need to just get to bed ... it is making me crazy ... and I am much better off when I am not crazy ... in my chat room tonight someone said ... "a hard man is good to find" ... I wish I could find those goods ... {grin} ...

Right now is one of those times I wish I didn't have a public journal

 

December 21, 1999

Right now is one of those times I wish I didn't have a public journal ... I even debated getting out the one I used to hand write in to start writing in again ... but then I knew I would never write here anymore ...  and I have written so much here how could anything be a big deal anymore ... so I guess it is all hanging out already ... what's a little more ...  I started out the day kinda bummed ... I wrote Eric an email when I got home from the airport yesterday ... and he had read it and hadn't responded ... I know he is visiting his family ... but shit with my past history of meeting guys ... I just get a little nervous ... but I had a ton of things to do today so I really couldn't dwell on it ...  I gathered all my stuff together ... laundry ... Christmas gifts ... wrapping paper and ribbons and headed out ... of course as soon as I left the house cramps kicked in ... big and bad ... fuck I hate being a woman sometimes ... I don't think any guy has any idea what it is like having cramps ... and I will tell you this I am sick of them making suggestions as to how to relive the pain ... fuck that ... it is a good thing I don't have a gun in the house cause there has been more than 30 times in my life where I have thought it would be a lot less painful to blow my fucking head off than to sit here with cramps ... like right now as I am writing this ... I am actually seeing color spots ... like when a flash goes off ... cause my stomach hurts so bad ... right now is one of those times I would like to blow my head off ... and I would do it with a smile ... I should be somewhat thankful ... or maybe the people around me should be ... I don't get bitchy or anything ... I am just in pain ... if anything I usually want to be left alone ... which is a good thing ... cause I have known some women who are evil during their periods ... but fuck the pain is just unreal right now ... I am actually becoming dizzy ... anyway ...  I went by Blockbuster and picked up "American Pie" ... then to Starbucks to get my dad's Christmas gift ... then to Kinko's to make a couple more CD covers ... then I took back my cute PJ's to Old Navy cause even though I am going to a PJ New Years Eve party ... I don't really need new PJ's ... I mean shit why not be comfortable in a pair of my huge flannel ones ... it is a couple's party ... it isn't like I am going to be hooking up or anything ... and got my mom and brother stuff there instead of keeping my PJ's ... then stopped at Starbucks for a coffee with an extra shot ... hoping the caffeine would help the cramps {fuck I will probably get 50 letters telling me not to have caffeine ... but if people think about it caffeine circulates the blood which means it doesn't intensify where the pain is ... just like with a headache ... caffeine always helps} ... and then headed to Kris' after we unloaded my car and got my first load of laundry started she and I went to Capriotti's to get dinner for her, me and Chevy ... man they have the best sandwiches in the world ... its too bad my stomach hurt so much cause I would have enjoyed it more ... then after dinner the wrapping began ... which rocked cause I love wrapping gifts ... and while I did that Kris did my laundry for me ... which rocked cause she hates wrapping gifts and I hate doing laundry ... all the while we watched American Pie ... which just rocks ...  after everything was finished I finally headed home ... and actually got all my shit back upstairs ... I checked my email and was happy to find a quick note from Eric ... to be honest I was totally happy to hear from him but still my doubtful side felt a little unsettled ... I work hard at not letting past experiences ruin my future ... but it is always there in the back of my mind ... but he is busy ... and with family ... and I honestly have too much time on my hands ... and think too much ... besides I have so much to do before my trip ... I am putting it all out of my mind ...  fuck my cramps just get worse and worse ...  and on the subject of things that piss me off ... why the fuck do people write me and ask me why I don't have a boyfriend or why I sleep alone ... even people I know in person ask me shit like that ... what the fuck am I supposed to say to that ... I mean geezzzz ... there is no answer for that ... no answer at all ... I mean I can ignore all the emails asking me that ... but when people I hang out with ask me ... what the hell ... ACK!! just makes me so mad ... and I am about to embark on a 4 day trip of everyone in my family asking me ... I can already hear my aunt ... "move to North Carolina Liz we will fix you up with a nice Southern boy" ... and my grandmother asking if I will ever get married ... ohhh yea this is just what I need ... ahhh man I need to just get away from everything ... clear my head big time ...  really if I had that gun right now ... BAM ... out of my misery ...  today is my friend Brian's birthday ... but ever since he moved from Arizona I haven't known how to get a hold of him ... and I just hate missing his birthday ... he isn't too keen on birthday's so I always send him a Winter Solstice card ... I don't even have his parents address anymore ... I should start searching the internet ... it is how I found him in Arizona ...  well I Love Lucy just came on ... think I will sit back ... read my cards ... and watch Lucy ... its a good one too ... Bob Hope guests stars ... man I don't know how I am ever going to get to sleep tonight ... I think I might have to take some Excedrin PM even though it is quite late which means I will sleep in quite late tomorrow ... but I guess that isn't a big deal ... I just have to clean house tomorrow and start getting my stuff ready for my trip ... at least I have a first class seat to look forward to ... what a treat ... man my parents rock ... woohoo!!!

A part of me really doesn't want to write

 

December 20, 1999

A part of me really doesn't want to write about my meeting at the airport today until I talk to Eric ... but then a bigger part of me wants to get all my feelings down before I talk to him ... I had such a wonderful time meeting him ... really wonderful ...  I was nervous all day till I saw him get off the plane ... I have met so many people and don't really get nervous before hand anymore but today I did ... but a smile exploded across my face when I saw him walking off the plane ...   we spent his two hour layover talking ... touching ... laughing ... kissing ... and smiling ... it went by so fast ... it makes it hard now that we don't live close ... yet ... but it makes the prospect of moving to Maryland more exciting ...  I told him how in the past I have been blown off by people who I thought enjoyed meeting me and were interested ... he said he was surprised and would never blow me off ... I really really hope he is as interested in me as I am in him ... but if he isn't I hope he can tell me so ... and not just blow me off ... although he doesn't strike me as the kind of person that would be rude to someone ... he is honest and up front in everything we have talked about so far ... I wouldn't expect anything different now ...  while he was messing around with my digital camera ... giving me a little present ... I slipped a copy of the cd I made into his bag ... {smile} ... I took it along in case I liked our meeting ... I wanted to leave him with a little something ... so hopefully he has a cd player with him on his trip ...  anyway around 3 he had to get on his plane ... and I decided to go to Delta and pick up my ticket for my trip at Christmas and when I talked to the guy he said my ticket had been canceled ... and they couldn't get me on another flight ... so I called my mom to see what was going on she was on the phone with the airlines forever ... and I just had to wander around the airport ... oh and looking at my groovy pics on my digital camera ... finally an hour and a half later everything was straightened out ... kinda nice having a dad who had flown over a million miles on Delta ... they took care of everything and got me my original flight back ... and still in first class ... which the guy at the counter had told me I wouldn't be able to get back in first class ... so that all rocked ... then unfortunately it was 5 and the traffic was horrible ... took me about 40 minutes to get home ... but boy was I glad when I finally got home ...  I also got all my Christmas presents mailed today ... so I hope they get there in time ... cause people are just now getting my cards and I mailed them on the 15th ... quite a bit of time ... but I know it is the busiest time of the year for mailing stuff ...  I think I am going to read my cards now and see what they say ... man I am feeling like a dork ... but in a good way ... makes me giddy ... hahahahaa which in the end is a good thing ... and tomorrow American Pie comes out on video ... woohoo ... I just love that movie ...

My mood has gone downhill fast

 

December 12, 1999

My mood has gone downhill fast ... and I can almost guarantee this is going to be a very negative journal entry ... so just a warning ... to remind me not to reread it if I am in a good mood  I always learned as a child ... "actions speak louder than words" ... and deans actions are yelling at me loud and clear ... he doesn't give a fuck about me or how I am living ... and he can say he is broke till the cows come home ... but when ya go to LA for the weekend to party with friends ... and you have a big trip planned for Australia ... it is bullshit ... and it is pissing me off ... I know he paid my rent this month ... but that isn't my whole paycheck ... I have no food left in my house but some ice cream ... and I scrounged up 1 dollar the other day so I could get 3 frozen burritos ... which I just finished the last one a few minutes ago ...  I don't think he gets it that I have no savings ... and no credit cards ... what he gives me is all I have to live on ... in a couple of days my electricity is going to be turned off ... I owe $150 but if I pay $100 I can save it from being shut off ...  I have been avoiding his phone calls since last night ... cause I am so fucking pissed off at him I don't even wanna hear his voice ... the one time I did talk to him today he told me he thought he got two more job contracts for us ... just has to put together a proposal but still no mention of giving me the rest of my money ... and ya know he leaves on the 20th and gets back on the 6th from Australia ... well I get paid on the 20th and the 5th ... even though my rent is due no later than the 4th ... and I just know he is going to leave without giving me at least my rent ... let alone anything else to live on ... and I have to say I have asked over and over and over again to be paid ... which even though I am owed the money ... it is really hard for me to do ... it is probably my biggest weak point ... getting money from people who owe it to me ... so I have just stopped asking ... he knows he owes it to me ...  and I am so tired of my friends feeling responsible for me ... I know how sweet they all are ... but it makes me feel worse every time someone pays for something for me ... who knows when I can repay the kindness ... and I hate owing people money ... I have owed Eric $60 forever ... and now I owe Kris at least $100 although it will be really hard getting her to take it from me ... cause she knows better than anyone what my situation is like    she just took me to the store and bought me some pot pies and a pack of smokes ... I know if there is any time I should quit smoking is now ... but then I think I am so bummed out and frustrated ... that giving up smoking right now would send me into a tizzy ... one that I just can't handle ...  ya know Kera talked to Dean today and he asked her if she had talked to me ... she said yes ... he asked if I seemed depressed ... and she said I totally was ... he then proceeded to say to her "well if it is a matter of money that is easily solved" ... but when we spoke ... even when I told him I had no money at all ... he said nothing and had to get off the phone ... if he was a man and cared anything at all ... he would have brought me a check today ... the fact that he hasn't just shows me what he is all about ...  besides not being able to get my family and friends anything for the holidays ... which upsets me ... and not having money to mail my Christmas cards ... there are two things I like to do this time of year that I can't do this year ... go through my clothes and donate what I don't need to charity and send service men holiday cards ... last year was the first time I did it ... I was stuck at home with a broken leg ... all alone and it made me feel so great ... besides being able to brighten up others days while they were away from their family ... and the clothes ... well tomorrow I am going to a place with kera that buys old clothes and resells them ... hoping to get a little bit of money ...  I did make a deal with my parents today ... and as much as I don't wanna do it I will have to ... if dean hasn't paid me all he owes me by the 19th I have to quit ... and if I quit my parents will pay my rent till they move into their new house ... and if by that time I haven't found a job that can support me I have to move into their basement apartment in Maryland ... I love them dearly ... but don't wanna move back in with them ... fucking spend my 30th birthday at their house where I know no one ... god I am going to start crying again thinking about it ... I like that my mom and I talk on the phone several times a day but I don't wanna live there ... at all ... as shitty as that sounds ... I have no problem moving somewhere where I know no one ... done it a hundred times ... but when it is living with my mom it is so hard to even meet people ... with her always telling me what I need to do to meet a man or trying to fix me up all that shit ... they may know me better than most people know their children but they don't know me that well ... not well enough to chose a mate ...  god I have been working on this all day long ... I think I just had a lot to get out ... mostly bitching but then what is a journal for if I can't unload my soul ... in fact my chest hurts now thinking about all that is stressing me out ... so many people I know right now are going through all sorts of shit ... so I hate to burden them with my problems ... the one thing I love about my journal ... it is always listening ... and I can be bitchy or a baby or a dork or happy ... doesn't matter ... cause it is my space and my thoughts ...  I am talking with someone in my chat room that has given me more motivation to find a way to send service men holiday cards ... I will have to find a way ... even if it means hocking stuff till I can buy it back ... hahahahaaa although I don't think I have much of any value ... but I am sure there is a way to do it ...  ok I just feel drained now ... I have no more to write even though there is still stuff on my mind but I am so cold I just wanna soak in a hot bath for a while before I have to go through my closet and find some clothes to sell ... and start applying for jobs since I just redid my resume ...

Well I redid my online resume and it came out so great

 December 9, 1999

Well I redid my online resume and it came out so great ... I have learned so much since the last time I did my resume ... I am just so proud of it ... and so happy about it ... now I am ready to start applying for jobs ... wooohooo

Kris is really sad that I want to go to London ... and thinking about leaving her makes me really sad too ... but we both know I have to do whatever is best for me ... and ya know my mom and I were talking about it ... what if ... just by chance ... I stayed cause I wanted to be close to her ... and she was offered a great job in another state ... she would have to go ... she wouldn't stay cause I was here ... and that would really bum me out ... I know she has a house here and stuff ... but for a good job ... you sell and move on ... and I would hate to regret not trying this ... 

besides everyone else is so psyched about the idea ... my mom and I can't stop talking about it ... even my dad and I talked about it tonight ... and my friend Hazen is totally excited ... he has never been to Europe ... and is doing well at his business now and will totally plan an extended trip while I am there ... he and I would be pretty great travel partners ... and I just love him so dearly ... he is such a good friend ... and even if he is far away ... is always there for support ... and ya know when I was living in North Carolina he drove out from Kentucky to visit ... and soon after I moved out here he flew out for a visit ... tonight we were talking about London and both of us go sooooo excited ... 

this afternoon I talked to an old friend of mine ... Joe who I met the second time I lived in NC ... he is such a sweetheart ... calls me every year on New Years Eve ... except last year ... I was a bit transient and we lost touch ... but it was so great to hear his voice ... I love talking to him ... and just says the nicest things to me ... and uses the sweetest pet names ... just makes me smile talking to him ... and now with email and the fact that we found each other again ... I am hoping we talk more ... he is in VA ... and I am hoping I get to see him on a trip to my parents soon ... 

I also got an email from my friend Jordan ... who I knew when I lived in Kansas ... he is married now and expecting his first child in April ... man I love the holidays ... everyone gets in touch with those they have lost touch with ... he and I probably haven't talked in 4 or 5 years ... and I am working harder at keeping up my correspondence ... I get bad at it at times and I don't want that to happen anymore ... 

I woke up this morning and found Kramer sleeping on my computer monitor ... he usually sleeps with me but now I am understanding why the cam is always knocked down ... it is warm up there ... and my apartment is freezing all the time ... and he was really knocked out ... didn't even hear me come in ... I scared the shit out of him ... and last night it was so funny ... he was messing around in a plastic bag and got stuck in it ... it was so damn funny I couldn't contain myself ... and the more he moved around the more the bag made noise the more it freaked him out ... and he wouldn't let me help him take it off ... I was dying ... eventually he got the bag off and had to recoup in the closet for a while but man I wish I had had a video camera ... that could have won me some money on funniest videos ... 

we were supposed to go out tonight for Chevy's birthday but I couldn't afford it and Kris and Chevy weren't too much in the mood to go out on a weeknight ... so we all blew it off ... I feel bad but maybe we will go out tomorrow ... definitely a sober night for me with no money but I just wanna hang out with them ... 

well I am going to get my car tomorrow morning ... so I should head off to bed ... I stayed up way too late last night ... and kera had a big date tonight and I know I will get a call as soon as she is up cause I wanna hear all about it ... 

and I need rest cause tomorrow is the big computer change over ... wooohoo ... about time huh?? ... I can hardly wait ... {smile}

Today started the I Love Lucy marathon on Nick at Nite

 December 6, 1999

Today started the I Love Lucy marathon on Nick at Nite ... woohoo a whole week of I Love Lucy ... 4 hours a night ... ya can't beat that ... especially when all the shows on TV are reruns and not reruns I like as much as I Love Lucy ... 

So they said my car was going to be ready this afternoon but then they never called me ... man what a pisser ... it is driving me crazy ... but I did confess something to my mom today ... the money they gave me for my car insurance I spent ... and I have been dreading telling them ... but I really make next to nothing and it helped out in the bills area of my life ... my mom was so cool about it and didn't get mad at all ... thank goodness ... I have been so worried to tell her ... but since my registration has expired in Cali as soon as I get my car back I have to register it here and to register it you have to have Nevada insurance ... so if I am going to get it back soon they needed to know ... and I feel so much better telling her ... I wish they knew about the site so I didn't have to always worry about that ... but there is nothing I can do about that now ... 

I also told my mom about a job I applied for ... and get this it is in Diamond Bar, California ... which is where Eric and I lived ... it pays almost double of what I make now ... for doing less than I do now ... now I love working for Dean ... and in my application I told them I just moved from there and would love to work from home and would be willing to pay to commute out there for meetings and the like ... but that if the only way to have the job would be to live out there I would make the move again ... Kris was really upset when I told her ... and I am upset thinking about it ... but I am not making it money wise here ... at all ... and I need to be above the poverty level ... {smile} ... Dean also said if I took the job and moved out there ... I could keep the job with him which means financially I would be doing pretty well ... something has to happen cause in February I have to start paying my student loans back ... and I don't have the money at all ... its like 250 a month ... FOREVER ... 

so Dean picked me up this morning and we went for coffee and then by Jason G's office ... to see how he is doing ... he kept looking at me kinda funny ... I was wearing my Porn Star hat but that wasn't it ... then he said ... ya know the other night we all checked out your site and I just can't look at you the same ... Dean and I started cracking up ... he said I was looking at one pictures and said ... ahhh is this Liz with a dildo ... his roommates looked and said ... ahhh yes it is ... so I feel kinda weird ... not that I care I don't hide the fact that I masturbate ... but it is weird when people have trippy reactions to the site ... I hate making people uncomfortable ... but I am sure he will be alright ... hahahaa

after visiting with Jason G. Dean and I went by Kris' work and all of us went to lunch at McDonalds which I was happy about cause I am loving the Toy Story Happy Meal toys ... I have two so far so I am working on the collection ... I just love them ... there are a ton so I doubt I can eat there that often ... but they are fun none the less ... and a happy meal is the perfect size for me ... {smile} ... 

I have still been uploading ... going on two days straight ... but I am close to finishing ... thank goodness and then I will be able to use my new computer ... but then again it will take another 2 days to download everything to that computer ... 

tonight Kris was taking me to Best Buy cause my printer isn't working and I thought I needed a new ink cartridge ... when I opened my door I found a note taped to it ... and eviction notice for non payment of rent ... now Dean paid my rent this month since I haven't gotten a paycheck yet ... so I was kinda freaked out ... I called him and he said he would check on it ... when I got home I called him and he was telling me the bank said a check bounced ... and he wouldn't have money till Friday ... but I didn't freak out at all ... there was nothing I could do ... I was more pissed that my printer wasn't working ... it acts like it is working but nothing shows up on the page ... Dean kept going on and on asking if I was just going to let them evict me ... and I said well I guess I have to ... finally he said ... well damn it I was trying to get you and you don't even care ... I started laughing ... I said ... didn't Kris tell you it wouldn't phase me ... if there is nothing I can do about something then I don't let it bother me ... he was so bummed ... I called Kris and she knew he was going to do that ... and she said ... I thought of telling you so you could freak out and make Dean happy but then I thought it would be better to pull one over on him ... it was pretty funny ... I just think they didn't realize it was my check ... even though I put the apartment number and stuff on the check but it wasn't from me ... so I just have to go in there in the morning and straighten it all out ... I am sure it won't be a big deal ... poor Dean ... he really wanted to pull one over on me ... and it didn't work ... 

So Dean was meeting Chris and John at Kinko's to work on business cards ... and I needed to print out my holiday postcards ... so he came and picked me up ... my cards turned out great I am so excited ... and it was so cheap ... 3.50 for 80 cards ... can't beat that even though I will never need that many ... 

so as I have been watching the Lucy marathon there is a Lucy contest ... I need to go to Nick at Nites site and check it out ... cause I gotta win ... a Lucy contest ... how cool is that ... I also gotta find out the details ... but it includes a trip to New York ... wooo hooo and 1000 dollars ... could totally use that ... 

I thought there was something else I wanted to write about but can't think of it now .... ohhhhh wait ... Kera is coming home tomorrow ... I can hardly wait ... too bad she wasn't here all this time that I have been uploading stuff and couldn't do much work anyway ... but it will be fun to hang out even if it won't be for long since she is moving soon ... who knows I may be too if I get this job ... but for now ... it is off to dreamland ... ahhh I have been looking so forward to sleep lately ... 

ohhh tomorrow is Chevy's birthday ... can't wait to give him the kick ass t-shirt I got him ... and we are going to dinner at Outback ... I love it there and haven't been in ages ... it is going to be a fun night ... I am totally looking forward to it ... 

ok ... now it is dreamland time ... my house is clean which means I will sleep even better as weird as that sounds but it is the truth ...