Well it has been kind of a busy weekend

 

May 31, 1999

Well it has been kind of a busy weekend ... yet I feel like I did nothing ... I did finally go through all the clothes ... and got rid of quite a bit ... thank goodness ... now I just have to go to the homeless shelter where I used to work and drop them all off ... yesterday I had lunch with my online friend Dale ... he has helped me a bunch with my site ... and wants to work with me to set up a board of directors ... get a little help on my site ... I think it is a great idea ... and I told him we could all meet in Vegas for meetings ... that way I don't have to go anywhere ... and they all get a trip to Vegas ... I did start looking at apartments over the net last night ... www.rentnet.com is the greatest online rental site ... I just love it ... I found the place I am in now on that site ... anyway the places in Vegas are way cheaper and nicer than the place I am living in now ... in fact for the same price I pay now I could have a two bedroom ... and they all have washers and dryers in the apartment ... I will admit I miss having my own washer/dryer ... when Eric and I lived in our condo ... my mom and dad gave us their old set ... and it was soooooo nice ... I didn't mind doing laundry at all ... and no more saving and searching for quarters ... I am really believing this move is going to be great ... especially since Saturday I was soooooo bored ... and I thought ... damn it ... if I were already in Vegas I could be hanging out with Kris ... even if we weren't doing anything I could be bored with Kris ... I have started talking to a bunch of people in Vegas ... I guess cause of the move and I have written it all over my site ... one guy is a professional poker player ... what a cool job man ... I would love to spend the day playing poker ... he is taking a dealers class to be a poker dealer as well ... also something I think would be totally fun ... its too bad Eric could never get the concept of craps through to me ... cause randy said there are always ads in the paper for craps dealers cause it isn't an easy game to catch on to ... I love that I have today off for memorial day ... cause I never want to go to work on Mondays ... instead I am going down to OC to visit Eric ... see a movie ... buy some new work clothes (via my moms credit card) and visit the kitties. (when Eric and I lived together we had a cat that had kittens ... he kept 2 ... max and blackjack and I haven't seen them since October) ... plus I haven't been to Eric's since the night I helped him move in ... so it should be a fun day ... I have an appointment tomorrow at a temp agency ... it is the one I want to work for in Vegas ... so I figured I would take all the tests here ... then they could just send my file to the Vegas office ... and I would be able to be placed quicker ... and it is a very professional agency ... and since my wardrobe consists of tank tops and cargo pants ... I need something a little more professional ... I always wanted a job where I could wear my every day clothes so I didn't have to waste money on work clothes ... but oh well ... I shouldn't complain I am not paying for the clothes today ... {smile} ... I have realized that since I am starting to pack ... my apartment will now be a mess till I move ... which drives me crazy ... boxes and shit everywhere ... this summer I lived out of duffel bags for 3 months ... and I am about to spend the summer doing the same thing ... although Kris has been cleaning out the closets and stuff ... but still ... all my stuff will be in storage ... just an unsettling feeling ... but I guess it will motivate me to get my shit together faster ... last night I added a new page to my site ... and cleaned up a bunch of stuff ... removed all the stupid tracking codes from my page since the companies dropped me ... and made a new picture for the first page with the new and improved camera ... it is looking pretty cool ... I also got an email about being able to have people vote to have my site make the top 50 sites list ... of course it comes when the cam is down ... but I added it anyway ... ok so if you didn't vote on the first page ... you can vote now ... Vote Us Top of the 'Net' Top of the 'Net' I have been messing around with my digital camera but still haven't read the book or taken that many pictures ... I guess I will eventually get around to it ... well I am too rushed to write more now ... I am leaving for OC later than I had planned ... so I should get going and write more when I get home ... and have actually done something ...

I attempted to write last night

 

May 28, 1999

I attempted to write last night ... but I was too far gone to write anything that didn't sound like a suicide letter (not to worry I would never ever do that) ... but that slap of $354 from earthlink ... threw me over the edge ... I finally thought I was getting my shit together ... and then this ... so when the guy told me they were charging me so much ... I immediately ripped the page off my site ... I couldn't afford people keeping it open to see when I came back on ... I called earthlink today and explained the problem I was having ... and that I couldn't afford to pay so much money ... I asked them to go over the transcripts of my conversation when I opened the corporate account ... and they said I could easily misunderstand that the warning was going to be in the form of a huge payment ... well duhhhh I realized that last night when I started hyperventilating ... and they said they would make me a deal ... they would let me purchase extra disk space for traffic ... like I hadn't used the traffic already ... but I had to pay right then ... it was $110 ... of which I had 10 of that ... so I called Eric ... and he transferred the money into my account ... Eric has been a true life saver this week ... not just cause he loaned me the money today ... but he has been there for me about Harley ... and when I have been freaking out about all my money troubles ... and just there to listen to me ... I am so happy we are talking again ... and that things are going well between us ... I have missed him ... I mean he has been one of my closest friends for the last 5 years ... just having him disappear was so hard for me ... so I didn't write yesterday ... or on Wednesday night after Eric came over ... but I had a great time ... and I think seeing Eric totally lifted Harley's spirits ... he has been doing pretty good since he got his shot ... and saw Eric ... gonna make putting him down even harder ... but I know it is for the best ... when I think about it ... it makes me cry so hard ... and when I start crying ... Harley lets me lay my head on his tummy and bawl ... and he doesn't mind getting all wet at all ... I know I know I go on and on about what a great kitty he is ... but he really really is ... I nearly burst into tears when I came home today ... he greeted me at the door with a big meow ... and a rub against my leg ... just broke me up ... well yesterday before all this trouble I did something I probably shouldn't have ... I stopped at Best Buy on my way home from work ... just to look at digital cameras ... and they had the one I have wanted for $125 off cause it was an open box ... and I just couldn't resist ... so I got it ... I am so glad I did ... I have taken a bunch of pictures of the cats ... which I will soon appreciate even more than I do now ... and I have found a way to pay Kris and Chevy back for all they are doing for me ... everyone wants to see their new house ... so I can photograph their place and build a web site for them ... so everyone that is far and can't come to visit can see their whole place ... and all of Kris' friends want pics when they go out ... with the digital camera we will have a blast ... so it may over extend me ... but I also need something good to happen and this is it!!! I did decide to keep the camera going ... the pics just aren't uploading anywhere ... they are all on a timer save now to my hard drive ... so I can still keep an updated gallery of my move ... and whatever is going on here at home ... not the same thing ... but I like how the camera has been recording my life ... it has been so much fun for me ... I am quite sad that I can't run it anymore ... I also feel kinda stupid that I incurred so much cost on my own ... I found a company that can host my site ... for a much more reasonable cost ... but to get it started I need $110 ... and I know that isn't possible right now ... I would be an idiot to even try it ... I am not gonna start selling off my own stuff to supply a free service to everyone else ... the new company also can supply me with a merchants number ... and credit card acceptance service ... and since donations haven't worked at all ... if I do start it back up again ... Eric told me I would be an idiot not to charge at least $2 a month to people ... to help pay some of the costs ... and he is right ... I had over 4 gigs of traffic in less than 3 weeks ... so it isn't like there are only 10 people out there watching my site ... and I can have a guest area with a longer upload time for people who still wanna watch for free ... I think it is only fair ... if I were independently wealthy I wouldn't care at all ... but I am not and I am very aware that that isn't the case with my life ... hahahahaaa ... ya know today I went to the store to use the CoinStar machine ... where you dump all your loose change in and get bills back ... and I got 22 bucks ... which of course I needed ... felt kinda pathetic ... but I have been keeping a big bowl of change forever now ... and I didn't want to have to move it ... well I saw my Starbucks guy getting some smokes ... and then I stopped by to get a mocha with my new found wealth ... and it would be fittingly appropriate that now that I am getting ready to move ... he and I start talking a bunch ... and he seems much more comfortable with me ... well he told me he read an article about a family using a webcam ... and it reminded him of me ... got the mag out while I was there so I could check out the article .. and we (him and everyone else working there since I am there so much I pretty much know everyone) were all talking about my site ... and all the shit that is going on with it ... he is a really cool guy ... it is too bad we never got to hang out ... but ya know one day he may get a computer ... and we will chat online ... seems to be the best place to find me ... it has been kinda cool not being connected to the internet all the time ... cause I have gotten to catch up on phone calls ... and I didn't have to be the one to call everyone back ... people can actually get through to me ... although I still haven't had a chance to talk to Jason T. about my move ... which is kind of bumming me out ... although I know his boyfriend just moved out here sometime this week ... so I am sure they are busy getting settled and everything ... I am gonna try and get a hold of him at work tomorrow ... that way we will get a chance to do some chatting ... tonight is turning out to be pretty groovy ... I worked on some magnets ... and Valley Girl is on TV ... I love this movie ... and I got to hang out for a long time with Harley and Kramer ... and that is a great precious thing ... that won't happen for much longer ... well I actually feel caught up ... and don't think there is anything else I need to write about now ... I am sure in a couple of hours I will think of more ... but until then ... I have much to do ... {smile}

So I guess yesterday was a big day

 

May 26, 1999

So I guess yesterday was a big day ... everything fell into place perfectly ... now just starts the insane process of packing ... it is kind of a bummer ... cause I was finally starting to feel settled in this place ... but when I think back to when I lived in Kansas ... and in 2 years I moved 6 times ... this isn't so bad ... and my moving date has been settled too ... Kris and Chevy will be out here on June 11th ... we will load up my U-Haul on Sunday June 13th ... and Chevy will drive it out to Vegas ... Kris has a business meeting on Monday, June 14th and after that she and I will drive out to Vegas ... so it is a little less than 3 weeks away ... its seems so long yet so soon ... Kris and I talked forever last night ... and we are both so excited ... I also spent hours checking out the monsterboard last night and there are lots of jobs out there I was interested in ... I am going to start faxing my resume to temp agencies ... and so many of Kris' friends have offered to help me ... letting me work for them till I find something ... it is so great ... it really isn't only what you know ... it is who you know ... and thank goodness Kris knows so many people out there ... and that I know her ... Harley seems to be doing a bit better ... more responsive when I go behind to couch to see him ... but he did throw up last night ... and still won't come when I call him ... I called the vet today ... and the appointment to have him checked out is more than I have ... it is awful to say it but I have 15 dollars in my account until Friday when I get paid ... and they won't let me write a post dated check ... they don't take checks anymore ... so I have to wait till I actually have money in my account ... ya know that just makes me such an awful parent ... that I can't help my cat now ... so I guess I won't be able to take him until Friday afternoon after I deposit my paycheck ... its weird his mouth seems to be doing great ... he even let me open it up yesterday and take a look ... which he never lets me do ... but I guess it is cause it isn't hurting him anymore ... but now he is acting worse than he did when he had surgery ... oh ya know I have gotten a bunch of letters with requests for my new URL when I move ... my site will always be www.lizlive.com ... I own that domain ... wherever I go ... so it will always run from here ... and Kris and I were talking ... she is probably going to hook up internet access at her house ... and even if not ... she is in bed by 9 PM and I am a night owl ... so I will still get to mess around on my computer ... and she knows how addicted I am to it ... hahahaaa ... I just got off the phone with my friend Sean in Kansas ... man I miss him so much ... I have tried roommate situations many times ... and they have always failed ... I have had stuff stolen ... my car crashed ... my video camera broken ... my TV blown up in an electrical storm ... people skipping out on rent and bills ... but once in my life I had the perfect roommate situation ... and that was in Kansas with Kris and Sean ... the 3 of us had a blast living together ... Sean was Aaron's best friend and Aaron was my boyfriend at the time ... it just worked out so well ... and talking to him just now made me miss him sooooo much ... it was with Sean and Kris that we got Harley ... so he was sad to find out about Harley's current state ... I was sad to find out his cat Jose ... who he got after we moved out and who looked just like Harley ... got hit by a car and died recently ... I couldn't believe it when I heard it ... Kris and I have been trying to get Sean to move out this way for years ... he said he would come to Vegas for vacation in august ... which is great cause his and Kris' birthdays are 3 days apart so we could have just one big birthday weekend for the two of them ... and the 3 musketeers would be together again ... he is just one of the sweetest men I know ... I wish we were closer ... when I was in Kansas this summer ... I hung out with him a lot ... and it was just as great as it had always been ... and it felt like we had never been apart ... ohhhh I wish I could get him out of Kansas ... everyone he knows he gone now ... ohhh I am going to send him a letter today ... so he gets something other than bills ... hahahaha like me ... then maybe he will write me back and I can get something I don't dread to open ... I know I said I wasn't going to write about Clint anymore ... but I only have like 3 friends online that I chat with ... so I really miss just talking to him ... everything got just fucked up and out of hand ... but that doesn't mean I wouldn't miss the conversations ... which I really do ... they were something I totally looked forward to ... but alas ... this is how life works ... god I keep looking around my place and thinking about packing ... it is going to be such a nightmare ... I definitely need to thin out my collection of stuff ... starting with my clothes ... I wear like the same 6 things all the time so I don't know why I need so much ... I have trunks full of clothes ... dating back to the 80s that I will never wear again ... but for some reason can't seem to part with ... but I am going to have to ... I don't want to have to move all this crap ... that is for sure ... and this place is so huge ... that I have compiled even more ... geezzzzz!!!! I got the nicest letters from Eric yesterday about my move ... it felt so good ... and helped me in seeing my decision was a good one ... I was worried he would be harsh ... but it was just the opposite ... ohhh I don't think I can express how good it felt ... I think I took some of my friends by surprise ... although they really should expect things like this from me ... it isn't like this is the first time I have done this   well I raced off to take Harley to the vet ... he kept throwing up ... I called Eric and he said he would totally pay for it ... he is being so great to me ... we haven't talked in months it seems and I am so appreciative that he is being so supportive of everything for me ... so I got Harley to the vet ... and she said it is the cancer ... and it is spreading very fast ... I asked her if most people would put their cat to sleep cause of this ... and she said yes ... I broke down in the office ... I told her I was moving in less than 3 weeks ... and she said I would have to put him down before I moved ... she said otherwise the move would be really hard on him and that I may not get a vet I could trust ... she said many out there wouldn't be honest with me ... and would tell me they could cure him and just keep charging me ... she did give him a shot today and some medicine for me to give him ... to hopefully help him a bit ... so he could eat ... and be more responsive ... but that he really couldn't last that much longer ... god there is a huge hole in my heart right now thinking about what life would be without him ... but as my friends and family remind me every day ... he has led a wonderful life ... and is such a great cat cause of me ... cause I gave him so much love ... and that I knew one day he wouldn't be here ... but I just never wanted to face that day ... I had to stop at the store ... and so I decided even though I couldn't afford it ... I wanted a Starbucks ... I was still pretty teary ... my cutie was working ... along with this other guy who has helped me 100 times but never talked to me ... he asked if I had the sniffles ... and I broke down again ... and said I just found out my cats cancer has gotten worse and I am going to have to put him to sleep ... well this guy that has never talked to me before is obviously a cat person ... and totally opened to me ... even bought me my mocha frappachino ... and told me about these cats he found ... that were abandoned ... and found a place that is hand feeding them ... and to let him know if I wanted a new cat ... but I have already decided I am moving ... and I have Kramer ... and Harley really can't be replaced that quick ... I don't want another cat for a couple of years ... I really wanna have Kramer cremated so I can keep him kinda ... fuck I don't wanna do this but I know that I have to ... I know I do ... I would never want him to be in pain ... and that is where he is headed ... I could probably write about him forever ... he is the first indoor pet I ever had ... so there is a real closeness ... but I think that is enough for now ... it is ripping me apart too much ... I can't even keep my eyes open while writing this ... MY GOD HOW AM I GOING TO DO THIS ... Eric is going to come over and see him ... it wouldn't be right if he didn't see him again ... even if Eric and I hadn't resumed talking ... I couldn't do this without him seeing Harley again ... Harley loved Eric so much ... and has missed him so much since we haven't been living together ... Harley loves sleeping on an old sweatshirt of Eric's ... so I am definitely having Eric over for dinner and some good quality time with Harley ... ohhhh right now Harley is curled up in a cabinet in the bathroom ... I need to go do something that will take my mind off of all this ... laundry should do the trick ... at least I have some quarters ... I will write more later when my mind is on something else ...  This is Harley & I the weekend we got him in 1990!! Harley is 6 months old & I am 20

So I guess yesterday was a big day

 May 26, 1999

So I guess yesterday was a big day ... everything fell into place perfectly ... now just starts the insane process of packing ... it is kind of a bummer ... cause I was finally starting to feel settled in this place ... but when I think back to when I lived in Kansas ... and in 2 years I moved 6 times ... this isn't so bad ...

and my moving date has been settled too ... Kris and Chevy will be out here on June 11th ... we will load up my U-Haul on Sunday June 13th ... and Chevy will drive it out to Vegas ... Kris has a business meeting on Monday, June 14th and after that she and I will drive out to Vegas ... so it is a little less than 3 weeks away ... its seems so long yet so soon ... Kris and I talked forever last night ... and we are both so excited ... I also spent hours checking out the monsterboard last night and there are lots of jobs out there I was interested in ... I am going to start faxing my resume to temp agencies ... and so many of Kris' friends have offered to help me ... letting me work for them till I find something ... it is so great ... it really isn't only what you know ... it is who you know ... and thank goodness Kris knows so many people out there ... and that I know her ...

Harley seems to be doing a bit better ... more responsive when I go behind to couch to see him ... but he did throw up last night ... and still won't come when I call him ... I called the vet today ... and the appointment to have him checked out is more than I have ... it is awful to say it but I have 15 dollars in my account until Friday when I get paid ... and they won't let me write a post dated check ... they don't take checks anymore ... so I have to wait till I actually have money in my account ... ya know that just makes me such an awful parent ... that I can't help my cat now ... so I guess I won't be able to take him until Friday afternoon after I deposit my paycheck ... its weird his mouth seems to be doing great ... he even let me open it up yesterday and take a look ... which he never lets me do ... but I guess it is cause it isn't hurting him anymore ... but now he is acting worse than he did when he had surgery ...

oh ya know I have gotten a bunch of letters with requests for my new URL when I move ... my site will always be www.lizlive.com ... I own that domain ... wherever I go ... so it will always run from here ... and Kris and I were talking ... she is probably going to hook up internet access at her house ... and even if not ... she is in bed by 9 PM and I am a night owl ... so I will still get to mess around on my computer ... and she knows how addicted I am to it ... hahahaaa ...

I just got off the phone with my friend Sean in Kansas ... man I miss him so much ... I have tried roommate situations many times ... and they have always failed ... I have had stuff stolen ... my car crashed ... my video camera broken ... my TV blown up in an electrical storm ... people skipping out on rent and bills ... but once in my life I had the perfect roommate situation ... and that was in Kansas with Kris and Sean ... the 3 of us had a blast living together ... Sean was Aaron's best friend and Aaron was my boyfriend at the time ... it just worked out so well ... and talking to him just now made me miss him sooooo much ... it was with Sean and Kris that we got Harley ... so he was sad to find out about Harley's current state ... I was sad to find out his cat Jose ... who he got after we moved out and who looked just like Harley ... got hit by a car and died recently ... I couldn't believe it when I heard it ... Kris and I have been trying to get Sean to move out this way for years ... he said he would come to Vegas for vacation in august ... which is great cause his and Kris' birthdays are 3 days apart so we could have just one big birthday weekend for the two of them ... and the 3 musketeers would be together again ... he is just one of the sweetest men I know ... I wish we were closer ... when I was in Kansas this summer ... I hung out with him a lot ... and it was just as great as it had always been ... and it felt like we had never been apart ... ohhhh I wish I could get him out of Kansas ... everyone he knows he gone now ... ohhh I am going to send him a letter today ... so he gets something other than bills ... hahahaha like me ... then maybe he will write me back and I can get something I don't dread to open ...

I know I said I wasn't going to write about Clint anymore ... but I only have like 3 friends online that I chat with ... so I really miss just talking to him ... everything got just fucked up and out of hand ... but that doesn't mean I wouldn't miss the conversations ... which I really do ... they were something I totally looked forward to ... but alas ... this is how life works ...

god I keep looking around my place and thinking about packing ... it is going to be such a nightmare ... I definitely need to thin out my collection of stuff ... starting with my clothes ... I wear like the same 6 things all the time so I don't know why I need so much ... I have trunks full of clothes ... dating back to the 80s that I will never wear again ... but for some reason can't seem to part with ... but I am going to have to ... I don't want to have to move all this crap ... that is for sure ... and this place is so huge ... that I have compiled even more ... geezzzzz!!!!

I got the nicest letters from Eric yesterday about my move ... it felt so good ... and helped me in seeing my decision was a good one ... I was worried he would be harsh ... but it was just the opposite ... ohhh I don't think I can express how good it felt ...

I think I took some of my friends by surprise ... although they really should expect things like this from me ... it isn't like this is the first time I have done this

 

well I raced off to take Harley to the vet ... he kept throwing up ... I called Eric and he said he would totally pay for it ... he is being so great to me ... we haven't talked in months it seems and I am so appreciative that he is being so supportive of everything for me ... so I got Harley to the vet ... and she said it is the cancer ... and it is spreading very fast ... I asked her if most people would put their cat to sleep cause of this ... and she said yes ... I broke down in the office ... I told her I was moving in less than 3 weeks ... and she said I would have to put him down before I moved ... she said otherwise the move would be really hard on him and that I may not get a vet I could trust ... she said many out there wouldn't be honest with me ... and would tell me they could cure him and just keep charging me ... she did give him a shot today and some medicine for me to give him ... to hopefully help him a bit ... so he could eat ... and be more responsive ... but that he really couldn't last that much longer ...

god there is a huge hole in my heart right now thinking about what life would be without him ... but as my friends and family remind me every day ... he has led a wonderful life ... and is such a great cat cause of me ... cause I gave him so much love ... and that I knew one day he wouldn't be here ... but I just never wanted to face that day ...

I had to stop at the store ... and so I decided even though I couldn't afford it ... I wanted a Starbucks ... I was still pretty teary ... my cutie was working ... along with this other guy who has helped me 100 times but never talked to me ... he asked if I had the sniffles ... and I broke down again ... and said I just found out my cats cancer has gotten worse and I am going to have to put him to sleep ... well this guy that has never talked to me before is obviously a cat person ... and totally opened to me ... even bought me my mocha frappachino ... and told me about these cats he found ... that were abandoned ... and found a place that is hand feeding them ... and to let him know if I wanted a new cat ...

but I have already decided I am moving ... and I have Kramer ... and Harley really can't be replaced that quick ... I don't want another cat for a couple of years ... I really wanna have Kramer cremated so I can keep him kinda ... fuck I don't wanna do this but I know that I have to ... I know I do ... I would never want him to be in pain ... and that is where he is headed ...

I could probably write about him forever ... he is the first indoor pet I ever had ... so there is a real closeness ... but I think that is enough for now ... it is ripping me apart too much ... I can't even keep my eyes open while writing this ... MY GOD HOW AM I GOING TO DO THIS ...

Eric is going to come over and see him ... it wouldn't be right if he didn't see him again ... even if Eric and I hadn't resumed talking ... I couldn't do this without him seeing Harley again ... Harley loved Eric so much ... and has missed him so much since we haven't been living together ... Harley loves sleeping on an old sweatshirt of Eric's ... so I am definitely having Eric over for dinner and some good quality time with Harley ...

ohhhh right now Harley is curled up in a cabinet in the bathroom ... I need to go do something that will take my mind off of all this ... laundry should do the trick ... at least I have some quarters ... I will write more later when my mind is on something else ... 

This is Harley & I the weekend we got him in 1990!! Harley is 6 months old & I am 20

Today has been a pretty groovy day

 

May 24, 1999

Today has been a pretty groovy day ... I have had a tummy ache ... but beyond that I fared pretty well ... I am really worried about Harley ... he hasn't been out all day ... he wasn't waiting to eat when I woke up ... and he has been sitting behind the couch all day ... I have gone back there to pet him a bit ... but he hasn't come out ... even when I call him ... which for Harley is very unusual ... I am hoping he is just tired today ... but of course I worry big time with him ... I talked to my mom today about staying in school ... and both she and my dad think I should get a job ... and not go to school for a while ... my mom even suggested looking in Vegas ... Kris and Chevy would let me stay with them till I got on my feet ... So tonight I was telling my friend Jason S. and he gave me the phone number and email address of a friend of his that runs a web designing company out there ... I immediately sent him a message and I hope to hear from him soon ... I would definitely be willing to go out there this weekend if he had any interest in hiring me ... god Kris and Chevy would be so happy if it worked out ... and so would I ... I have spent the evening talking to my friend Dale ... he is so cool ... and just makes me feel good all the time ... only kind words come from his fingers (since we are talking via AOL) ... again I am a lucky person ... I have started working on a new page for my site ... I am calling it tidbits ... little things about me that aren't listed anywhere else that people have asked about ... just not sure what all I am going to include ... I have had to spend huge amounts of times fixing stuff on my computer ... when I import the web pages ... it makes the file names all capital letters and my server is case sensitive ... so I have to change each one back to lower case ... talk about mind numbing ... I have come across this song on my Baz Lerman CD called "Happy Feet" a remixed song from the 40's that I can't get enough of ... I have listened to it like 50 times today ... I came across it last night when I was all stressed out ... and crying ... and it just made me want to dance ... I can't keep from bouncing around when I listen to it ... make me wanna take swing dance lessons ... or at least go hang out where they are playing music from the 40's ... my goodness it is so strange ... I have only been on a couple of dates in the last 8 months ... and 3 of the guys today IMed me to tell me they have girlfriends now ... I am really happy for all of them ... I will admit ... they all seemed just a tad bummed that I was happy for them ... but it is kinda freaky they all IMed me today ... oh there is something I feel just awful about ... when I was talking to Jason S. tonight ... I told him I hadn't received the digital camera tonight ... he said well there has been a problem ... he told his secretary I hadn't gotten it ... and needed the receipt to do a trace on it ... she was supposed to send it registered mail ... well she told him she didn't know where the receipt was ... I guess he got really mad ... and is now leaving the company he is working for ... ohhh I just feel horrible about the whole thing ... and he is thinking she stole it ... ack!! it just sucks ... I wanted to go to bed early tonight ... but it doesn't look like I am doing a very good job of that ... I need to do some serious house cleaning and I wanted to get up early to work on it ... I am still having problems with my site ... and earthlink won't help me ... that just amazes me ... I pay for my service ... but since I use a web cam ... they won't help ... hardly seems right if you ask me ... and I have checked everything on my end and it is all correct and working perfectly ... so it has to be something on their end ... but that truly makes no difference to them ... I wrote the guy or designed the program I use to upload the pictures ... he is totally cool and has written me back quickly in the past when I have had questions ... so maybe he will have some suggestions for me ... ohhh and by the way I am LOVING this new desk of mine ... I can't believe I waited so long to build it ... I have been thinking about it for ages but I just didn't think it would work that well ... I was definitely wrong ... but then hey it wasn't the first time ... well I am out of things to write ... I guess it wasn't a very eventful day ... seems like there is more I wanna write but I think I am actually just too tired ... so that definitely means it is off to bed!!

I want to preface this entry

 

May 23, 1999

I want to preface this entry with the fact that it may be quite scattered and unorganized ... there have been lots of things I have wanted to write about for the last couple of days ... and without my computer there was nothing I could do ... I just never felt like hand writing it ... now that I type it out ... Well it has been a hellish couple of days but I made it ... thank god ... I have missed writing in my journal ... and yet have still been putting it off since I got my computer back up and running ... maybe cause I know it will be a huge entry or maybe cause I know I won't remember everything I want to write ... well in the updating of my computer I lost a lot and spent a lot ... and it still isn't how I want it ... plus I am wondering if I was screwed around with ... I am learning that you can't always trust everyone you think you can ... but who knows ... it may just be cause I don't know how to do it myself that I wonder if the people helping me are both 100% honest and sure of what they are doing ... I am missing a lot of things ... and stuff isn't working just right ... and it is just at an all time high frustration level ... so much so that I am thinking of staying in school ... but not as a hotel and restaurant management major ... but as a computer information systems major ... the thought came about when I didn't know what was really going on with my computer and with the fact that the webmaster's position at school offers 2 class credits ... tomorrow I am going to see an advisor about how long I would have to be in school ... plus I think they offer a concentration in the web ... which is what I want to do ... so this might actually be worth while ... especially since computer homework would actually be fun for me ... so I guess I will see what happens with this idea ... I wonder when I will stop changing my mind every 15 minutes ... hahahaaa ... probably never ... that is why I have minimal skills in lots of things ... at this moment in time I am convinced that no one knows what they are doing when it comes to computers ... people can put me down ... and tell me it was all my fault things go wrong ... but fuck that ... no one knows completely how to work and fix these things ... sometimes I wish I had never touched a computer ... that I could be like many of my friends and say ... shit I have no idea how to do anything on one of those things ... I think at this point in time I would be better off ... when I said this journal entry would be scattered I wasn't kidding ... and it has nothing to do with the fact that I am drinking beer ... it has to do with the fact that I am so fed up with this stupid system ... for some reason only every other picture on my site is showing up ... and when I called earthlink they told me they don't help people with web cams ... but the guy said my problem could be that my server is bogged down with too many people ... see now I would know if that were the case if the stat companies I used hadn't dropped me ... they said my site was unacceptable ... UNACCEPTABLE ... I couldn't believe that ... it isn't like I am sitting here naked and doing drugs or anything ... shit that was just amazing to me ... so I have no idea what is going on with my site anymore ... UNACCEPTABLE I am just sitting here at my computer ... or sleeping ... and it isn't even like I am sleeping with anyone but my cats and my stuffed bunny ... it just amazes me ... and I pay for the services ... I am not using them for free ... I should be able to do any damn thing I want to when I pay ... the majority of their customers use them for free ... unless you check the source of each page would you know who is keeping my stats ... ya know at this moment I am soooooooo tense I wish someone would give me a gift of a massage ... I can't tell ya how much I could use one right now ... not that I have ever had one ... but I can feel my arms and shoulders and legs tensing up as I am writing this ... if I had money I would pay big time to have one ... BIG TIME ... god even my face feels tense right now ... and I am drinking ... I should feel pleasantly numb ... well lets get back to life ... tonight I told clay I just wasn't ready for anything ... and I don't think he was too happy ... he told me he would rather not even hang out till I figured myself out ... and knew what was going on ... I was sad and relieved at the same time ...   (hours have passed before writing this next part) how does someone ever correct a mistake they made ... sitting here crying I don't think it can be done ... once you make a mistake it is there FOREVER ... and it isn't until you blow it that you realize the awful consequences of your actions ... and they are truly awful ... nothing is worse than letting down a friend ... nothing ... especially when true friends are few and far between ... I truly believe this camera site has been a blessing in my life ... and this journal has been a curse ... but I love them both ... I guess if I want to continue I have to take the consequences that come from them both ... loosing people I care about and gaining others ... I didn't know if I should write about this ... but this week I found out my dad has bladder cancer ... they removed the tumor ... and besides having to go to have it checked every 3 months everything seems fine (knock on wood) ... but I will tell ya when I found out I couldn't stop crying ... even though he had already had the surgery ... and was doing great (again knock on wood) ... the idea of him not being around scared me to death ... and as a girl I always dreamed of the day when he would walk me down the isle ... I don't know if my wedding day could mean as much if he weren't there ... in fact I know it wouldn't ... at 18 I had two debutante balls ... one here and one on the east coast ... and what made it so special was my dad ... being my escort ... cracking me up as we had to walk around ... and I was presented ... he made the evening both times ... I want him to be the one that makes my wedding too ... it is something the two of use have looked forward to and joked about since I was like 10 ... fuck I want my parents there always ... I don't know what I would do if either one of them were gone ... I want them there for everything ... FOREVER ... they are the greatest things in my life ...   (again some time has passed) although I am not going to share the details with anyone but my own thoughts ... I have recently cut things from my life that had me feeling like I was in the same abusive cycle I have lived through before ... and although it makes me so so so sad ... in the end it is better for everyone ... especially me ... and although I would rather think about everyone before myself ... I am slowly learning that I need to take care of myself first ... and although on occasion makes me feel like I am a bad person ... but I know I am not ... I am truly the only person I can count on ... it may be hard for me to remember ... but when I do it gives me some strength ... I may be a strong strong person ... but it is when it comes to everyone else in my life ... and not myself ... right now I am missing Kris sooooo much ... I want to lay my head in her lap and have her tell me everything will be alright ... I want to be close enough to a friend to feel their touch ... I sure chose a hell of a time to have an online journal ... I don't know when I have had soooooo many things to deal with ... but I know it is what makes us stronger ... it just isn't always easy to remember when the tears are streaming down you face ... there is a line in the Baz Lerman song that restores my faith in my life ... "Your choices in life are half chance ... so are everybody else's" I don't even think I can remember all the stuff I wanted to write about the 3 days my computer was down ... cause I feel like tonight I have been on an amazing emotional rollercoaster ...   (and even more time still) when James couldn't fix my computer Thursday night I cried ... I know it was more than not having my computer ... but he kept telling me I had to get out of my self alienation phase ... that I spent too much time alone ... and my computer was allowing me to do that ... in a way I believe he is somewhat right ... I do like being alone toooo much ... I sometimes think if I could support myself and have everything delivered to me ... I would never leave my house ... but then I think about when I broke my leg and couldn't leave ... even if I wanted to ... I had to rely solely on others and I hated it ... all I wanted to do was get out of this place ... there was a time in my life I was almost too social ... doing so much I neglected the things I really needed to do ... now it is the opposite ... I am sure it is a phase ... but it is a phase I am somewhat enjoying ... although there are times I hope it passes ... but I did build a new desk this weekend ... a yellow one at that (my favorite color) that I am liking being at home on my computer even more ... I can't believe it is almost 3 AM ... and with everything that is going through my head and body I am no longer buzzed or tired ... my eyes are burning from crying so much tonight ... and I know I will have the puffiness to prove it in the morning that I should probably quit writing and try and get some sleep ... curling up with my cats always makes me feel safe and warm and I should probably take advantage of that right now ... I just feel like there is so much more to release ... but I have no idea what that is ... maybe it is the fact that I have met some amazingly supportive people though this site ... and I am soooooo thankful for that ... my life wouldn't be the same without any of them ... I know deep deep down I am truly one of the luckiest people on earth ... I have it really good ... I just hope I am doing a good job of sharing it with others ... for otherwise all the blessings I have received are wasted!!!!!!

I tried to go to sleep

 May 20, 1999

I tried to go to sleep but there is just too much on my mind ... I knew I wouldn't be able to until I got it all out ...

this is going to be my last entry about Clint ... for a while at least ... cause I blew it ... I pushed someone I shouldn't have ... knowing in the back of my mind that I shouldn't ... and I feel so bad now that I am shaking while typing this ... moments ago as I was about to go to bed I got his "pounded out message" (as I put it) and I hurt him with my last remarks from yesterday's entry ... I didn't mean to hurt him ... and rereading it now I would be hurt too ...  I was thinking of only how I felt and not how he did at all ... he had expressed he wasn't ready for anything more than a friend online ... but I wanted him to be my friend in real life too ... I know when I wrote all that it came across as wanting to be more than just friends ... but that is something I couldn't know until I actually know a person and spend time with them ... so my whole long confessional entry threw havoc into a chaotic life ... I am not sorry I feel this way ... maybe just sorry I didn't keep it to myself ...

shit I can't stop shaking ...

I know how important it is to be a good friend ... and I haven't been ... and I am sorry ... truly sorry ...

totally unrelated ... but something that was keeping me up none-the-less ... I have plans this weekend with a guy I went out with last week ... and when I think about it ... I just don't think I am ready ... too many guys have told me I use that as an excuse to stay alone ... but I figure I wouldn't feel this way if I wanted to be with them ... cause it isn't like I never had a boyfriend ... I just can't figure out why I don't want one now ...

its funny ... when I started watching the show Ally McBeal ... I thought she was crazy and gave women a bad reputation so to speak ... having this fantasy in her head about what love is ... but Monday night it hit me ... she is right ... there is the idealized image in my head of what I want and how I want to be treated ... I don't know if it is something feasible ... but it is there ... and I can't ignore it ...

my parents have been married for 32 years now ... so it is possible to find one person to spend the rest of your life with ... its funny when I first started dating I didn't want to date guys whose parents were divorced ... I didn't think they would know how to work at a relationship as well as kids who saw there parents go through all sorts of stuff and still be in love ... and I succeeded in doing that until my last boyfriend ... he was the first guy I dated whose parents were divorced ... and their divorce was bitter ... it made family functions hard ... but I loved him and lived with him for 3.5 years ... and thought maybe my notion was silly ... now that I am single again my notion is next to impossible ... not only is my dating pool filled with men whose parents are divorced and remarried and divorced ... many of the guys themselves are divorced ... so is this image I have a joke ... do I conjure up these things so I can stay by myself ...

I have never cheated on anyone in my life ... and I never would ... if I want to be with someone other than the person I am with ... well that is a clear sign I am with the wrong person ... but I have been cheated on many a time ... I have also never been the one to end a relationship ... all the guys I have been with ended it ... but at some point they have all come back and said it was a mistake ... and each of them knew ... I don't get back together with someone ... it doesn't work ... power structures change ... feelings are different ... "freedom" so to speak is sweet ... and I think when you try and "get back together" it is like the cat in Pet Cemetery ... sure the cat came back ... but all fucked up ...

it would be great to have sex ... to feel someone's bare skin against mine ... to giggle and laugh and roll around ... but I guess I haven't wanted it enough ... there are too many strings attached ... I always feel like I have to give up too much of myself ... and maybe that is what this notion of a man I have in my head is like ... accepting me exactly the way I am ... every guy tries to change things ... and little by little things do change ... without me even realizing it ... until one day I am not the person they fell in love with anymore ... and they all get this look ... like they don't recognize me ... or even like me anymore ... and that is when it ends ... and it is when I am alone again I realize all that changed ... and I find myself again ... and that is when they realize it was a mistake ... but that is why you can't go back ... I become the old me I loved so much ... and I know the pushes and pecks for me to be someone else will surface again ... they too have an image of what they want ... my spark clouds it ... until the spark is completely extinguished ...

god I am smoking like a banshee ... and I still can't stop shaking ... there is still so much in my head ... but my fingers don't seem to be typing it ...

a part of me is jealous of my friends ... their lives seem to have started ... while a lot of the time I feel like mine is still in some holding pattern ... most days I feel like a 17 year old in a 29 year olds body ... I think that I am grown up ... but I really am not ... I'm just not sure what I want to do with the rest of my life!!!

 

Man I had the WORST dreams last night ... I know that for the last several nights my dreams haven't been good ... but last night I was being berated by my teachers at school ... in the dream I had to start working in the restaurant at school ... and I was just sooooo upset by it ... and I told my teachers I wasn't going to do it ... that I didn't want to do it ... and as I was leaving the school I got hit by a car in the parking lot ... I wasn't hurt ... but 2 of the teachers were convinced that I got hit on purpose to stay out of class ... and it just made me sick thinking about it ... I couldn't believe anyone would think that ... ohhh the dream shook me up so badly I had to get up ... ohhhh this whole school thing will plague me for a while ... I just wish I could get back to all my good dreams ... it is rare that my dreams are disturbing ... and for the last several days they all have been ...

I called work this morning and they don't need me too badly today ... so I am staying home to clean up my computer for tonight ... since James is going to put windows '98 on today ... I am thinking I should get a zip drive so I can save everything quicker and easier ... and since I am going to take my new camera back this morning ... I am going to check out the zip drives as well ...

so going up to James' tonight is kind of exciting ... we have been online friends for about a year ... in fact this summer when I drove cross country alone ... he was a huge support ... I talked to him every night ... he knew how nervous I was to be back at my ex's when I got home until I found a new place to live ... and really was quite supportive of everything I was going through ... so it is quite exciting that we are finally going to meet ... I hope to meet his fiancée as well ... but I don't know if that is happening ...

ok I should get back to work ... best buy opens in an hour ... and I will be able to get out early and get all my stuff done ... ohhh I am so excited to get my computer fixed up ... I have been dealing with too many problems and error messages for way too long now ... I just hope it isn't a really big deal for him ... and that it all goes smoothly ...

well I took the day off

 

May 19, 1999

well I took the day off yesterday and got a lot done ... I had to record all these surveys for work ... but it was so cool that they let me take them home ... it was just totally mind numbing working on them ... ohhhh I know I have said it before ... but I am so lucky to have the friends that I have ... my friend Martin in England has spent countless hours talking to me about all the things that are bothering me and I am sooooo incredibly thankful he is there for me ... I don't know what I would do if I didn't have him to talk to ... but I feel I may have upset another friend of mine last night ... I got kinda down about stuff ... and was crying and talking to my friend Ryan ... we used to work together but now that he has a new job we only get to talk online ... well he was being so sweet and kind ... and trying his damnedest to cheer me up ... but I think I just needed to let the tears out ... and I just signed off ... and left someone worried about me ... I know it wasn't a very nice thing to do ... but I just had to get in bed ... and let it all out ... he left me a message asking him to call him at work to let him know I am ok ... which I will do ... but I just didn't feel like talking about it last night ... nor now ... so I will just give him a call later ... before I got all bummed out last night the cutest little girls came by my house ... actually they were playing with the cats through the window ... so I went and hung out and talked to them for a little while ... I just love kids ... I love hearing their stories ... and all the questions they ask ... and they were so cute ... they said, "you are always on your computer ... we see you there all the time" ... and they were telling me about their pets ... and how it was fun cause they live in the same complex and are always looking for each other to play ... man I wish kids could appreciate how fun life is then ... running around and playing ... and no worries ... I often thought I would be great to be born old ... cause by the time we got to be kids we would appreciate it much more ... although I think my mom did a fabulous job at letting me realize my childhood was one of the truly great periods in my life ... she used to make this great bunny cake and call all the kids in the neighborhood over for an impromptu party ... and she would help us organize carnivals in the driveway ... with great voting booths turned into game booths with prizes and stuff ... and she would let us keep any of the money we made ... even though it probably cost her 3 times as much to put it on ... I am welling up thinking about all she did for my brother and I ... I want to be a mom like that!!! I will admit ... I am getting a little crazy with all this star wars stuff ... this morning on the news it was so funny ... they had what they called a "star wars free minute" and everyone was cheering ... I even sat here at my desk and clapped ... I am supposed to go see the movie tonight with my brother ... but he left me a message last night that there might be a problem with the tickets ... so I will have to call him and find out about that ... I wouldn't be too upset if I couldn't go ... cause I really should spend tonight doing laundry and backing up the stuff on my computer ... since I am going to change operating systems tomorrow ... I have already lost everything on a hard drive once ... I don't want it to happen again ... and it is a daunting task cleaning up my hard drive and saving everything ... and I need to decide about the whole camera thing today ... cause I want to have everything when I go to James' tomorrow ... I should get some stuff to upgrade my system as opposed to a new camera ... like a faster modem ... but that would be a waste of money since eventually I should have internet access and a cable modem ... maybe just make the sucker faster ... so I don't have all those lull periods I have now ... the other night I fell asleep crying about Harley ... he has been the best cat ever ... and the fact that he is slowly dying is killing me ... he has driven cross country with me 5 times ... gone on dead tour ... flies on the plane under the seat in front of me in his little carrier ... walks on a leash ... when I open his carrier he gets right in ... even though that means he is going to the vet ... he is loving when people come over ... and there have been times when he didn't like dates I had ... and it would turn out I didn't like them either ... he lets me lay my head on him and cry when I am sad without moving 'till I am finished ... he lets my friends kids pull his tail and pounce on top of him without a hiss or a bite or anything ... he is a perfect cat ... I hate to think of the day when I wake up and he isn't there ready to eat ... and I believe he even saved my life once ... when I was attacked and raped in my house ... he stood out on the window box howling and walling till my roommates heard him and came to see what was happening ... scaring the guy enough that he ran out of the house naked ... that is unconditional love ... and there is nothing I can do for him ... god I am just bawling thinking about this ... I knew it would come sometime ... I just don't want it to be now ... I don't want him to be sick ... I wanted him to just pass one night in his sleep ... curled up by my head ... and in no pain ... I am happy I have Kramer to ease the pain ... and as great as he may be in his own way ... he isn't Harley ... there have been many a time that I thought Harley was a love of mine from a past life ... that came back to be with me ... for he often acts like that ... January was our 9 year anniversary together ... and in June he will be 10 years old ... I think one of my luckiest days was when he ran and got into my car ... I have been blessed ever since ... ohhhhh I need to do something that will cheer me up ... and get me out of this depressing funk ... I must be pmsing ... cause the tears are coming so easily ... ack!! I have to stop writing ... it is just getting to me too much this morning ...   One thing I really need to get out ... WHAT~EV~ER!!!! driving home from work today that is all I could think ... that was all that was on my mind ... whatever whatever whatever!!!! Friends don't let you bare your soul and ignore it .... and thank goodness that is a lesson I learned long ago ... and it didn't leave me tainted ... or I would have a real hard time keeping this journal ... and being honest about everything ... and now that my WHATEVER!!! is out ... I feel great and I can enjoy my favorite night of TV ... my brother called ... and his friend gave my ticket to Star Wars to a girl staying with her ... which is no big deal ... I always have work I need to do ... especially since I am getting my 'puter fixed up tomorrow ... I just feel bad that I cancelled plans with Clay ... although I never do too well with plans on a weekday ... I am better with weekend plans ... Kris and Chevy want me to move to Vegas big time ... I told Kris I would work on it and consider it and make a decision by August ... they are probably right ... it would be great for me to be close to them ... and if I can get a job that pays me more than I need to live ... and I can save up enough ... I will probably do it ... I love them both so much and would love to spend more time with them ... I was thinking about going out there this weekend ... but since next weekend is a 3 day weekend I may go out there then ... and come home on Sunday so then I still have Monday to get stuff done without going to work ... and I won't have to fight the heavy traffic coming back from Vegas on Monday ... I did that one memorial day ... and a 4 hour drive took us 9 hours ... I don't EVER want to do that again ... ohhhh so today at work Bernadette came in and told me they are looking for a new webmaster ... and asked if I was interested ... if I apply and get the job ... then they will turn it from a student position to  a non-student position ... god they rock ... so I turned in my application ... and we will see what happens ... they even said it is something I could do from home so I could get another job ... and they will buy me all the books I want on web design ... that I haven't been able to afford myself ... man this would be great if it worked out ... we will just have to wait and see ... oh and I am so excited ... my friend Renee finally has a night free so she and her daughter are coming over for dinner Friday night ... it will be so fun ... we have tried to get together so many times before and it never works out for one reason or another ... but this time I think it will ... I am totally looking forward to it ... well I think I am going to nap for a bit ... I didn't sleep too well last night ... I was just too upset with the way Clint has been acting with me ... I realize people are busy but I also realize it takes only moments to pound out a quick email ...

Well yesterday I needed to take a break

 

May 18, 1999 Well yesterday I needed to take a break from my journal ... just didn't feel like writing in it at all ... I don't even think anything of real significance happened ... ohhh wait I guess so ... I went to Best Buy yesterday cause I was just sick of my shitty camera and applied for a store credit card ... and they approved me ... so I talked to a sales person there and told them what kind of system I had and what I wanted and I got a great new camera that   uses a usb port which I thought was great cause that means I could now use my printer and scanner and the camera at the same time ... then I got home to realize my computer doesn't have a usb port so I went back to the store ... again told the guy what kind of computer I had and what operating system I used and he gave me a board ... I was really worried about installing it myself but it was a breeze ... and I thought I was well on my way ... only to find out NT can not use USB ports ... which you would think a guy in the computer section of the store would know ... so I figured ... fuck it I am going to install windows '98 right now ... I am sick of all the error messages I get with NT anyway ... but I couldn't ... I called my friend Ben and it was just too big of a deal ... I would loose too many programs that I need ... like front page ... so I couldn't even write in my journal ... then I called my friend James up in LA and he said ... look Liz we can fix your whole system up if you can just wait till Thursday ... if you come over Thursday night with your computer and all your crap I will burn CDs for you ... install '98 and fix you all up ... now I have a tendency to be impatient but I agreed cause I am just sick of how things are running right now ... the problem I faced was that I had uninstalled the driver for my old camera ... so I downloaded a new one ... installed it ... and my old camera is running wonderfully now ... it wasn't a shitty camera I had but a shitty driver ... so I am thinking I will take the new one back ... or get a different one ... since I will have windows '98 ... I was limited on what camera I could buy cause most didn't offer drivers for NT and I see why now ... they were all USB port cameras ... and I would like to use the USB port cause I want to have my printer and scanner back ... and once James sets me up I am sure I will be a much happier camper about my computer ... This morning I woke up feeling quite ill ... and called work to let them know ... and wound up sleeping on and off all morning ... I am feeling much better now ... thank goodness cause I have a lot of work they sent home with me ... the temp agency called today to see if I was interested in a 6 week temp job ... it was to be a secretary and there was no chance of it becoming permanent ... so I turned it down ... besides the fact that I am somewhat sick of being a secretary ... I don't want to leave my job at the school for something that doesn't have the potential to be permanent ... and I don't want to miss an opportunity of another job that could be permanent because I am stuck at some temp job ... besides my mom keeps telling me ... "don't take the first job they offer ... wait till you are offered something you really want" ... of course she doesn't realize how broke I am ... but I am sure if worse comes to worse they will be there to help me out ... I have avoided stopping by my post office box cause it bums me out ... but today I was near there so I thought what the hell ... but I shouldn't have gone ... it just is so depressing to open the box to nothing ... not even junk mail ... it kinda makes me sad too that no one that sits and watches me even thinks the site is worth 5 bucks ... especially when I have a bill due June 1st for $70 bucks for my extra bandwidth usage ... and I am almost out of Starbucks coupons so I will have to quit going there for a while ... sad as that may be ... actually my body will probably go through withdrawals ... it is a total drug to me ... but I gotta make up the cost somewhere in my life ... my apartment manager did bring me a package today ... it isn't the digital camera I have been waiting for from my friend Jason S. ... but it was my birthday present from Heather ... and she rocks big time ... I got some groovy lighters with stars and suns and moons on them ... and a bunch of butterfly clips ... and self breast exam reminder stickers ... and some groovy rainbow glasses ... she knows me too well ... and I love it ... well I did wake up yesterday morning with an awful feeling of dread like I thought I would about my journal entry ... Clint has been studying for a big test he had today ... so we haven't really talked ... and I am not sure how much I want to really ... I mean I would like to talk to him ... but not about my journal entry ... but who knows ... there was one really positive thing that came from it ... I got some of the most amazing letters regarding all that I wrote ... even some written to Clint for me to pass on if I wanted to ... which of course I didn't ... that would be a little too freaky I think ... but they were all so warm and caring and made me cry ... they did make me feel so much better ... and there are some genuinely sweet and caring people out there ... it was so nice to see that ... last night I started reading The Symposium by Plato and could hardly put it down to go to sleep ... it has been years since I read it and I am loving it even more than I did then ... and it was such a trip ... last night i woke up at 4 AM and my friend Martin had left me an ICQ message ... and it was a quite from The Symposium ... he had no idea I was reading it ... my mom also bought me Homer's Iliad ... so that will be my next book to read ... since this one is short I will finish it in no time ... oh I am talking to heather right now and I miss her so much ... I wish she lived near me ... I wish any of my best girlfriends were near me ... it is hard being so far apart ...  at least they are getting more internet savvy ... but it just isn't the same ... man I have a bunch of work to do that they sent home from my job with me ... so I guess I should wrap this up for now ... shower and get to work ... I know there were other things I was thinking about writing ... but can't remember now ... (I decided since I know like 6 Jason's including my brother and for me to remember who I am talking about I will have to use last initials) I do know my friend Jason T.'s boyfriend who is also named Jason will be moving out here in just about a week ... and they are taking me to Universal Studios for the day ... I can hardly wait ... it has been so long since I have gone and I always have a blast there ... it isn't Disneyland (which I need to go to soon) but it is fun none the less ... I have also decided I want to find a roller skating rink ... I have had the biggest urge to go skating ... not roller bladeing cause I can't stop on those fucking things ... I am a child of the 70's and skating is much cooler ... too bad I can't find a rink that still plays Air Supply and Journey ... but any music while roller skating would be great ... I went by Play It Again Sports but all they had were roller blades ... yuck ... I need 4 wheels in a square and a stopper on the front ...  that stopper on the back is ridiculous ... my ass is too big to mess around with gravity ... leaning backwards to stop just doesn't work for me ... I mean come on I learned to skate on metal wheels ... ok ... it is definitely time to shower ... and get some work done ... although all I want to do is read my book ... but I will save that for later ...

Ack!! I have wanted to write all day

 

May 16, 1999

Ack!! I have wanted to write all day and just had so much work to do ... I sure hope I remember everything I wanted to write ... cause right now I am not in the best of moods cause my camera is a piece of crap ... and I can't fix it ... I went shopping today for cameras ... and there were some great ones that were quite affordable ... for someone with any money at all ... and who runs windows 98 ... unfortunately this piece of shit computer runs NT ... and not very well I might add ... I did write down the info on the cameras so I could see if the companies have drivers for NT ... but I have yet had the time or the desire to check it out ... cause I know I really can't afford to buy any ... unless I can open a store credit card ... which I know is a really bad idea ... ohhhh so I am just sitting here all pissed off ... although today I did get two CDs ... and I am listening to one of them right now ... Sugar Ray ... and the song "Falls Apart" is on ... I love the song so it is somewhat lifting my spirits ... but not that much ... the other CD I got was Baz Lerman ... and it is pretty good ... but I am really digging the Sugar Ray one ... I went to high school with these guys ... not that I know them now ... but it is pretty bitchen to see someone work at something for so long and succeed big time ... it is a great feeling ... ohhhh I need to digress for a moment ... I went out with my mom yesterday ... we spent the day at South Coast Plaza shopping (which I normally hate, shopping that is) but we had a blast ... probably partly because she loaded me up ... I came home with more stuff than I did at Christmas ... and it was all stuff I really needed and would have had to go buy myself so she saved me sooooo much money ... plus she got be a beautiful Tiffany's Floating Heart necklace as a gift she said for being such a wonderful caring person ... that just made me tear up big time ... she is so sweet and giving ... and I am such a lucky person to have her as my mother   well ... I put up a new gallery since I last wrote ... and have drunk many a beer ... and I am thinking I drank so much cause I just need to write freely ... and I have remained somewhat reserved cause I know people read this ... but I can't do this anymore ... because my journal is where I work out the things that are killing me ... and right now I have something that is eating me from the inside out ... I see the truth staring me in the face and I can't face it ... I am totally hung up on Clint ... it kills me sometimes to watch his video ... and at the same time it is so hard for me to turn it off ... I haven't connected with someone like this in who knows how long ... now I realized I could totally hate him if I meet him ... but I haven't met him so I don't know ... and in the mean time I have turned down dates with really great guys cause my mind is in one place ... and it isn't fair to go out with someone when my mind isn't on them ... I have gone on one date since I have felt like this ... and I thought of nothing but Clint the whole time ... that isn't fair to the guy I was with ... cause he was really groovy ... but I kept thinking ... I should fucking be meeting Clint ... ack!!! ack!!! ack!!!!!!! what I think is this may only be some freaky online thing ... but there is a feeling ... that I totally can't ignore ... but I feel I may have to start to ignore it ... cause I am screwing myself up ... I know if I can put this out of my head ... I can continue to talk to him and think of him only as the wonderful person that he is ... I have just had the hardest time doing that ... and usually I don't have a hard time doing that ... it isn't like this is something I haven't done ... loosing interest in someone I have complete interest in ... but for some reason this time it is soooooo hard for me ... which again makes me think twice ... it is so hard for me to find someone I am interested in ... I love being alone ... friends think I am crazy but I really really do ... to want to spend time with someone is a big deal to me ... that is why this is killing me ... I hate for the majority of my journal entry to be about him ... but to be honest that is what I am thinking about ... and in a way I know writing so much about it can't help the situation ... but I think that maybe it will help me ... at least I hope so ... I will admit I am feeling a bit better having got this off my chest ... but I know I will wake up with this awful feeling of dread ... there really are other things going on in my life right now ... but my head is just so clouded I can't think straight enough to write about them ... which to me is a cue that I need to get some sleep ... lets hope the temp agency calls me tomorrow morning with a job ... and my head will travel to being worried about the first day of work somewhere ... the other things I need to get out will just have to wait until tomorrow!! ... oh I hope my dreams tonight are sweet and unfettered now that I have bore my soul ...

I tried to write last night

 

May 15, 1999

I tried to write last night but I was too blown away by the events that occurred ... so I thought I would wait till this morning ... till it sunk in some more ... and the part that blew me away is about a book I will talk about in a bit ... I told work I had to go to a temp agency because I needed to make more money and they were so cool about it ... I can still work there on days when I don't have an assignment and they are fine with that ... even if I call them last minute to tell them I have a job ... I will really miss sue and everyone there when I leave for good ... the job may get boring ... but the people there are wonderful!! I made some bitchen star wars magnets to mail to Clint since they are all freaks about it in his office ... and I had so many people asking me about the package cause of the star wars stickers all over it ... and I didn't even know how to answer ... I mean my family fell asleep when we saw it at the drive in in the 70's and I never saw it again until the re-release a couple of years ago ... so I have only seen it the one time ... and never the other episodes ... I just kept telling people they were star wars magnets for a star wars freak I know ... and I knew nothing about the movie ... which really makes people look at you like you have the plague ... it was pretty much a lot of the same old same old when I got home ... although I talked to a friend of mine in Kansas, Greg, that I hadn't spoken to in about 5 years and it was like we picked up where we left off ... his voice sounded the same and we caught up on each others lives ... he is thinking of going home to Detroit for a bit and then moving to Arizona ... which means we may see each other again someday ... probably in Vegas ... seems to be a great place for me to meet up with friends in Arizona ... a friend sent me a link to two bitchen web sites that I have had a lot of fun with ... www.anagramgenius.com and www.phonespell.org they are so fun ... some of the anagrams for my name just cracked me up ... like "OK! she's the lesbian rear" or "OK! able trashiness here" or "She is berserk, neat halo" or "OK! her kissable earnest" man I love anagrams ... they are so fun!! ... ack!! geek alert geek alert!! Well I made a Starbucks run late ... and when I came home Clint was online and we started to talk about Greek Mythology ... a most favorite subject of mine growing up ... and I started to tell him about this book I got as a kid ... that I just love ... shortened versions of all the stories with fabulous photos ... he asked if it was "D'Aulaires'" book ... and that just blew me away ... next thing I knew he held it up and I saw the exact book I was looking at ... I held mine up ... and just tripped out on the whole experience ... so much so I got shivers ... and am getting them again typing about this ... I don't know anyone who has ever even heard of the book ... let alone have it and love it ... it was just one of those experiences that gives you a great feeling ... and takes its time sinking in ... I actually got so excited about the Greek myths that before I went to bed I started reading the book again ... and it was so great ... Kramer actually came and sat next to me so I started reading out loud ... then I thought ... geezzz Liz he isn't a kid he is a cat ... when I stopped ... he got up and put his paw on my hand and looked up at me ... when I started to read aloud again ... he laid back down next to me ... and put his face on his paws ... it was so damn cute ... and kinda fun to read aloud to someone ... And now I am off to go shopping with my mom before she flies back to Maryland tomorrow ... which even though I HATE going shopping ... I need to cause I need new work clothes and it isn't my money I have to spend ... hahahahaaa ... I was going to spend the night but she gets so stressed out when she is traveling ... and Harley has been spending a lot of time sleeping with me ... that I am going to come home tonight ... that way I can sleep in tomorrow too ... it has been a while since I was able to sleep in and I am looking quite forward to it ... well I am off ... I am sure I will have more to write later

Before I start

 May 13, 1999

Before I start ... a friend reminded me that I really need to let loose and forget about the fact that people are reading this ... even the people I am writing about ... so I am working harder at doing that ... ack ... here goes ...

oh and fair warning ... this is going to be a long entry ... {there I go I say I am going to not think about the fact that people are reading this and then warn you it is going to be long ... yea I am doing great so far ... hahahahaaa}

What a day I had yesterday ... so much so that I couldn't even write about it ... even though there was so much I was going to write about ... I don't even remember what happened in the morning ... all I remember is what happened once I left work ...

I took the tram to my car after work ... and a total cutie sat next to me ... and actually stuck up a conversation with me ... which no one ever seems to do on the tram ... and I kept thinking ... shit how can I tell him about my site ... and as we passed the dorms there was one room with an "open 24 hours" neon sign ... and he said ... wow I bet they don't have any privacy living there ... and I realized that was it ... I said "well at my house there really isn't any privacy ... I have a live web cam running when I am at home" ... and gave him my web cam card ... he asked me all sorts of questions about how and why I set it up ... told me he would check it out ... and ending with a ... "you're weird" in a funny voice ... I am getting bolder by the second ...

But then I came home to find out my damn phone was turned off ... I have been fighting with MCI for months about overcharging me ... and it turns out they denied my claim and shut off my phone ... and wanted me to pay $1000 ... yea like I have that much ... what a joke ... so I called my brother ... who kicks some serious ass ... and after 4 hours he had MCI adjust my credit claim ... and the phone company ready to turn my phone back on ... he was so swift with the people ... and I certainly was soooo thankful ...

But I was still bummed out that I couldn't be on the computer ... they said it would take from 2 to 24 hours ... I couldn't believe that time range ... and I must have checked 100 times ... the stupid message was killing me ... I felt so bad that I couldn't change my message on my site ... because I am so good about getting home when I say I will be ... and I didn't want people to worry ... but what I think bummed me out the most was that I wasn't going to get to talk to my friend Clint ... our evening conversations are usually the best part of my day ... talking to him makes me feel fantastic ... he has an amazing soul ... is quite kind ... and I learned last night I look more forward to talking to him than I realized ...

but I did get so much done ... since I couldn't be on the computer ... I finally put away all my laundry ... totally cleaned my kitchen ... went through my bills ... all the stuff I have been meaning to do ... but couldn't pull myself away from the computer to do ... all the while checking my phone line ...

at 11 I decided to go through all the pics on the computer and work on a new gallery ... it wasn't as much fun not having the cam on ... but I got so much more done ... and at midnight my cell phone rang ... I was sure it was my mom ... but to my delight it was Clint ... making sure everything was alright ... it really may not have been a big deal ... but god it was sooooo cool ... and made me so happy ... we talked for a while and I totally enjoyed it ... a part of me worried our conversation flow might not happen when we weren't on the computer ... or that he might feel somewhat obligated to talk to me when we were on the computer ... but it didn't feel like that at all ... and he wouldn't call to make sure everything was alright if it was that way ...  I think I actually worry cause in the past ... when I have wanted to meet someone ... the longer we wait ... for some reason the worse it turns out ... maybe expectations  get heightened about the other person over time ... I am not saying this is going to happen ... but I do worry ... cause I have met many people from online ... and I promised myself I wasn't going to push to meet ... cause I HATE when people do that to me ...

enough of this ... I went to a temp agency today ... and everyone there was so cool ... and they told me I had the best test scores they had seen in a long time ... that I would have a job in no time ... even asked me where I would like to work ... which rocked ... so hopefully next week I will be making some cash ... cause to say I really needed money would be a complete understatement ... I am desperate ...

I met a really cool chick online today from Melbourne Australia ... where Kate and Fiona live ... we have been talking all day and she is totally cool ... ICQ rocks cause you can talk to people from all over ... more so than any other service ...

well I made these bitchen star wars magnets ... and they came out great ... and my brother called tonight and wants me to paint a new shelf for him for his kitchen ... I made some for his bedroom and he loved them ... so I am excited ... I get excited about any art project ...

ok I think I got everything out that has been on my mind ... of course I can always write more ... but man did I write enough tonight ... schwooooo!!