I am feeling better ... the gloom and doom is lifting ... i even made phone calls tonight when i got home from work ... [haven't wanted to chat too much lately] ... and instead of parking myself on the couch or going to sleep i actually accomplished a whole lota shit ... so right on ...


i should have just bitched sooner on here ... it always makes me feel better ... makes me see how sorry i am being ... and forces me to change my focus onto more positive things ...


stop by Sickside and give Kimberly a big WOOHOO for her new job ... she is going to kick some ass ... that is for sure ... god i am just so happy for her right now ... it is going to be the perfect job for her ... and so many people will benefit from her knowledge ... i think reading that post just now is what finally put a smile on my face ... :)


but i am still leavign the gray and black for now ... hahahahahaaaaaa

I need help ... in the teeth grinding department ...


I woke up about 35 minutes ago and my jaw is just now relaxing


I had a hot cloth on my face for about 10 minutes to get my teeth apart


I don't know what to do


I have had both rubber and hard plastic bite plates ... I ground right through both in less than a week ... the hard plastic [like a retainer] scared the crap out of my orthodontists ... he couldn't believe I went straight through it ...


has anyone done anything that helps ... cause if I keep this up I will eventually have no teeth ... the headaches and arm aches are bad enough ... but no teeth ... that could be a problem ...


so if anyone has tried anything conventional or unconventional please let me know ... I am willing to give anything [almost anything] a try at this point ...

Dream Job

years and years ago when I was living with a man that told me I wouldn't amount to much I set on a path to prove him wrong ... and to make a life for myself that didn't depend on anyone ...


I sat down and figured out what I really wanted to do with my life ... I realized that I wanted to become fantastic at the computer ... and build web sites for people ... I did it for a hobby and taught myself everything so I figured I could teach myself a bit more and do it as a job ...


I took any job I was offered ... I didn't care if they couldn't pay me ... I wanted the practice and stuff for a resume ...


eventually I was offered a job in Las Vegas building porno websites for some guy ... and it paid me money ... I loved it ... who cares if I had to look at some pretty sick shit during the day ... I was getting paid for "my dream job" ...


that eventually led to a job in New York ... getting paid some pretty decent money ... and I did it all on my own ... now I was doing more than making sites ... I was helping others make theirs ... I was selling web space ... it felt wonderful ...


greedy business owners tried selling and selling again ... until most of us were fucked for a job ... and after 9/11 it was down hill from there ...


so with a new guy in tow that told me I could do anything I wanted with my life we moved to Maryland to figure that out ... I searched and wondered and made lists ... nothing came to mind ...


when we had finally hit rock bottom in the money department [that means 2 thirty-somethings living at home in the basement of my parents house and having to borrow money from my mom to go get tampons] I realized I didn't know what I wanted to do and I reluctantly took an office job at my dad's company ...


well in 3 months I will have been there a year ... and I still have no idea what my dream job is ...


I had what I thought was a dream ... but that faded ... I have no desire to work in the internet industry anymore ...


but I can't figure out what I want to do ... how do I not know ... how is there nothing driving me ...


all I know is that I really don't want to work there ... it was fine when no one knew the boss was my dad ... because I was my own person ... now I am "the boss' kid" ... I have no identity of my own ...


it would be one thing if I were paid like the boss' kid ... but I am not ... I am paid like I am doing an internship ... we are close to living hand to mouth again ... and I don't want that to happen ... but more importantly one should be happy at work ... I mean we spend so much time there ...


I think all stress comes at one time ... at least for me ... I don't get a little here and there ... I get a lot at once ...

- worrying about money

- trying to imagine a career that will make me happy

- fighting with david

- wilting like a dead flower when my mom talks about the fricken wedding

- listening to all the problems of my friends because I don't want to burden them with mine

- trying so god damn hard to loose weight

- offering support to david's new career and worrying about his happiness


I know in the scope of life they are all minor things ... there are bigger problems out there ... but when I start taking them on too I lose control ... I was always good about volunteering ... I haven't been lately ...


I guess if I could pick any job it would be doing volunteer work ... but that doesn't pay the bills ... I worked at a homeless shelter for families for years ... gave birthday parties for kids ... collected food and toiletries and clothes from anyone who would hand them over ... and I was always happy there ... and I have spent countless hours helping to build homes for people ... finding restaurants to donate lunches for the workers or just making them myself ... I got my dad so excited his company donates all the window coverings for the Habitat homes ...


ok I think I turned my mind around ... I think I need to go back out and do stuff for others and my complaints will fall into place ... because I know my problems are trivial ... I know there is bigger stuff out there ... and I feel guilty even moaning ... but sometimes it is just a bit of moaning that gets me out of my funk ...


but I am still leaving the new black and gray design ... I like the poutyness of it ... :)

well since I am on a cynical role I might as well keep going ...


last week was our companies annual sales meeting ... I had to spend a week in the middle of nowhere with everyone ... I was bored out of my mind but I survived ... only problem is now everyone I work with knows I am the boss' daughter ... it was a good run we kept the secret from most people for 8 months ...


problem is ... now everyone is calling here and calling me KID-O ... fucking kid-o ... I am 33 god damn years old ... I am a kid to none of them ... some are as much as 10 years younger than me ... KID-FUCKING-O ... I don't think so ...


and they are all saying ... "your dad this" and "your dad that" ... I feel like I have a summer job my parents forced me to take to keep me from roaming the streets on my Schwinn Beach Cruiser circa 1984 ...



David stopped in here a little while ago and we got into it ... he was supposed to hang out till I had to leave so I could get a ride home and we were yelling at each other ... and he left ... it is just shitty all the way around ...

have you even been spiraling out of control into a pit of doom ... your stomach keeps dropping ... your head hurts ... body aches ... and you wish you could just hit the bottom ... with every tear you expel you feel closer and closer to the bottom but it never comes ... never comes ... you just keep dropping and dropping and dropping ...


I am in that spiral right now ... and the tears won't stop ... and the dropping won't stop ... the sickness in my stomach never leaves ... I have taken to grinding my teeth while awake which leaves me with a never ending headache ...


this is the life I have stepped into ... and the only way to get out is to compromise everything I want ... to give up my dreams and desires ... and to let other people rule my life ... or to fucking spite everyone around me including myself ... I am choosing the latter


it is all so stupid but so crippling as well ... and it all has to do with getting married ... why isn't there a book out there that says "getting married is a fucking nightmare and you will be sorry you decided to do it" ... that book I would buy ...


my mom has become a completely irrational beast ... and I can no longer deal with it ... not only is she making me a fucking lunatic she is doing the same to David and my dad ... and I have to put a stop to it ...


so I am choosing no wedding ... no party ... no celebration ... no sharing the day with loved ones ... no gifts ... no fucking nothing ... I will not even tell anyone what day we are going to do it ... and then once we do I will lie about the day so no one can share the day with us ...


yes I was a girl who dreamed of that special day ... but that was decades ago ... there will be no first dance with my new husband ... no father-daughter dance ... no being walked down the aisle with my dad ... all the things I looked forward to will be gone ...


there will be no visits with old friends ... no family around to witness the celebration ... fuck it all ... it will be David and I one afternoon at the fucking Rockville courthouse surrounded by strangers who don't give a shit what we are doing ... no tux and no fancy dress ... no bubbles blown and no pictures to commemorate the day ...


at this point I have no problem cutting off my nose to spite my face ... it sounds like a brilliant idea to me ... and then let those who are screwing with me now have to stare at the gaping hole where my nose used to be ...

Heather is visiting ... woooooohooooo Heather is visiting ... the last time we were able to see each other was during my last vacation ... March of 2001 we were all in Las Vegas ... we only saw each other briefly ... so this is the first time she and David are getting to spend some quality time together ... and the first time she and I are getting to hang out and it is fabulous ...


last night we all went out for dinner for my mom's birthday ... it was fantastic ... such good food ... and since I have been dieting so hard core it was even better ... I am already fitting into pants that I could even get close to zipping ... that is always a really good thing ...


on a sour note I am trying to figure out how to deal with my mom ... since David and I told her we were getting married there hasn't been one time that we saw her and any time we speak about the wedding on the phone that she hasn't tried to get me to change the date ... it is starting to piss me off big time ... I am serious when I say every time we have seen her ... I mean in the whole scheme of things isn't that like super fucking rude?? ... David feels it is all some sort of power trip ... I think it is just fucked up and it is getting harder and harder not to just get right up in her face and scream ... like they do in a cartoon where it is so loud her hair blows back ... that is what I think about when she brings it up ... I am going to have to say something that hurts her feelings ... but she will get over it ...


ok on a more positive note ... we are going to IKEA today ... woohoo ... I can't wait ... so I need to go figure out what I need to get while we are there ...


I hope everyone out there is happy and smiling ... and enjoying everything ... I'm trying to :)

I still haven't quite recovered from the long weekend ...


I took Thursday off because we were having 12 people over for dinner and there was much to be done ... it was nice ... my parents, grandmother, aunt, cousin, her child, my brother and his wife, David's dad and brother ... everyone seemed to have a great time and they all loved our place ...


then on Friday David, his dad and brother went and saw T3 and I went and saw Legally Blonde 2 ... it was a perfect plan ... and I LOVED the movie ... then we headed over to my parents house ... the whole gang together again and we cooked out ... hung out ... and could see the D.C. fireworks from the patio ...


on Saturday David and his dad went golfing and Drew and I ran errands ... then we sat around and watched movies the rest of the day ...


On Sunday we went to the International Spy Museum ... it was pretty good ... I think I was expecting more because of all the hype ... but it was interesting none the less ...


so that is the holiday weekend in a nutshell ...


my cousins son is quite a spitfire ... he was talking about how his mom is head of the house and his grandmother [my aunt] was saying "well the bible says the man is the head of the house" and he came back with "well god was wrong" ... just perfect ...


today I was up at 4:30 in the A-M ... so after another Sunday night of no sleep ... and now a Tuesday morning of up before dawn ... I am exhausted ... and I am totally goofing off at work ... I need the break ... it has been crazy here ... I look forward to taking a vacation ... whenever that may be :)