Unbelievable ...

 Unbelievable ... I know people have good intentions ... but the amount of lecture emails I got from my journal entry last night topped the charts ... and it makes it hard for me to want to write ... I had a moment of anxiety and depression ... and I needed to get it out ... that is what my journal is for ... and there were only 2 good things about it ... 1) once I got it out I felt a lot better ... like lifting a weight off my chest and 2) my friend Jill in Lawrence {who I have reconnected with through email} wrote me a very inspirational letter that got me thinking in the right direction ... and I know everyone else had great intentions ... but man I am not 18 ... I am almost 30 ... I know what it takes to get a job ... I have been working since I was 14 ... shit when I was in grade school I used to make stuff and sell it to kids at school and put on carnivals in our front yard ... so I know how to work ... sure I did get some good links to job search engines on the internet ... but I felt like everyone was talking to me like all I did was sit here all day and play on the computer and feel sorry for myself ... which is sooooooo not the case ... in fact I never feel sorry for myself ... I may be upset or frustrated or even mad ... but I know I have it better than a lot of people in this world ... I mean please I have friends and family that love me ... and a warm place to sleep at night ... and food to eat ... but I am still allowed to be frustrated with what is going on ... 

so anyway it was therapeutic for me to write out all my frustrations ... I mean that is the point in keeping a journal ... and of course after I got it all off my chest I was able to think clearer ... a little while later the pizza place called and asked if I could start working at lunch ... so I go in today in just a little bit ... which is great ... a little money ... a meal a day I don't have to pay for ... I can deal with that ... I don't' want to do the swing shift thing like I did last time cause there is something else I need to work on ... besides I need the time to volunteer at Habitat ... I am not giving that up for money ... no way ... I have been too excited about giving my time to others ... 

so after securing a way to make a little money I was feeling better ... and Jill's letter was so inspirational to me that I decided to call my brother about an internet idea I have had and see what he thought ... he is someone that will be totally honest with me and let me know if he thought it was something I should pursue or forget about ... and I was happy to hear him say he thought it was a great idea ... and had never seen anything like it online yet ... and that with the right business plan I will have no problem getting investors ... 

so even after a moment of utter despair ... I got it all out and started thinking again ... there is more I want to write but I will have to do it later cause I gotta jet to the pizza place ... first day I have tons of stuff to work on and I gotta go do something I don't want to do ... hahahahaaa ... but at least I will make a little money ... 

 

well work today was just like it was when I worked there before ... although it is much better working there in the winter ... that kitchen was a bitch when it was 110 outside ... so that part was nice ... and I am making a little money ... a cool new restaurant is opening on the corner by my house ... so I am going to go by there tomorrow too ... 

but the best news ... I thought of a company name and registered it tonight ... plus go the web address so I can actually talk about it ... Wonderland Productions ... and my new web address will be awonderland.com ... it just rocks ... I love the name so much ... I am sorry right now my journal is public cause I would love to write down all my ideas about the company ... but can't ... I would just die if someone grabbed them and ran with them ... but it rocks ... everyone that I have talked to just loves the idea ... and I have yet to find a site out there that does what I want to do ... I am so glad Jill wrote me that letter ... it was exactly what I needed ... 

my email dropped considerably today ... probably cause I was a bitch in my journal earlier tonight ... but that is cool ... I obviously don't hold back my feelings ... so I had to say what I said ... I do feel bad that I got a bunch of apology emails ... but as Eric's girlfriends said ... "yea I read it but I didn't write her anything cause she said in it she didn't want a bunch of those emails telling her what to do or that it would be alright" ... hahahahaaa ... 

I have been looking for a book about writing a business plan that my brother suggested ... but not a single store out here has it ... and since I don't have a credit card I can't order if from online ... which is just a pisser ... too bad I wrecked my credit at 21 ... now when I need them I don't have them ... but it is probably a good thing I don't have a credit card ... I doubt I would be too good with them ... 

hopefully tomorrow I am meeting with these guys that love investing in small companies ... and they will want to invest in mine ... I typed up non-disclosure agreements tonight ... so I can talk freely with them about my ideas ... my mom thinks there may be a fight with Dean about all this ... cause it was an idea I came up with while working with him ... and I bought that domain name months ago ... but he could say he owns it ... and the idea since I thought of it while working for him ... which will bum me out ... cause all that time I kept begging to work on it and he didn't want me to ... he wanted me to work on other stuff ... so I will just have to confront him with it and ask if I can keep the domain name ... I mean the idea was mine ... and I can't remember if I bought the name or he did ... we will have to see what he says ... ohhhh I am nervous ... but we will see ... hopefully he won't care ... or better yet he will want to go to work for me ... hahahahahaa yea like that would ever happen ... I just hope it all works out ... well duhhh who wouldn't ... but I just don't wanna fight with anyone ... 

man I am so tired from running around the pizza place today ... and having to wake up at a specific time ... I should go to bed now ... but I have been kinda hanging out ... researching my idea and hoping Devin would sign on ... I haven't talked to him in a couple of days ... we keep missing each other ... and I miss him ... chatting with him always winds up being the bright part of my day ... besides I wanna hear how his movie is coming along ... 

man I was so engrossed in working tonight I forgot to watch I Love Lucy ... not that it is that important ... but ya know it is a good way for me to relax and unwind a bit ... besides it always makes me laugh ... and at this point in the game ... laughing is good ... 

I am so happy tomorrow is Friday ... that gives me 2.5 full days to do work on my own stuff ... at least I am not working swing shift at the pizza place this time ... that was killer ... having 2 hours off in the middle of the day ... sometimes less ... not much time to go home ... I don't live that close ... 

man I haven't checked my P.O. Box in days and I should ... last time I did got a Christmas Card from ModeMan ... he hangs out in my chat and I was so excited to get a card ... hahahaa ... dork that I am ... but I love getting mail that isn't asking me to pay them ... bills bills bills ... {smile} ... 

yea I am just zoning ... big time ... and I don't think Devin is showing up tonight ... so I gotta hit the sheets ... work tomorrow ... but woohoo a reason to look forward to the weekends ... no work ... can't beat that ... 

Warning: Don't read this if you are in a good mood

 Warning: Don't read this if you are in a good mood ... cause I am not for sure!! 

Life fucking sucks ... and I don't know how much more I can take of the shit that is going on ... it is amazing how many jobs I have applied for and nothing ... not even a phone call ... man I am such a hard worker ... and love working ... how can no one out there want to hire me ... 

I don't want to move in with my parents at all ... it is making me sick to my stomach thinking about it ... I love them so much but I like the buffer zone I have ... they just control everything about my life when I am living there and I can't deal with that when I am already so depressed about everything else in life ... 

fuck I am almost 30 years old ... I at least thought I would be able to fucking support myself ... at least have marketable job skills that someone could use ... ya know every day I wake up thinking it has got to get better ... but shit how long has this been going on now ... I have applied to over 50 jobs ... and nothing ... not even the pizza place has called for me to work ... and I did a good job there ... worked really hard ... 

FUCK FUCK FUCK I don't wanna move in with my mom ... not only do I know no one there I would be living AT HOME ... I don't even think I could explain how much it would fucking suck ... and the job at my dads office sucks but I can't tell them that cause I need a job ... they have no desire to support a dead beat daughter ... and since no one else wants me I pretty much need to take what I can get ... 

I was talking to my dad today and was just welling up with tears thinking about how much I don't want to do the job ... fucking cold calling customers to see if I can up their order ... I hate selling ... especially cold calling people ... I hang up when they call me ... like I wanna sit there all day and get hung up on

man I just want enough to live ... that is all I am asking for ... it isn't like I am holding out for a better paying position or something ... shit I was living on less that 23,000 it isn't like that is a hell of a lot of money ... I made so little I could apply to live in a Habitat for Humanity house ... I mean come on ... 

god I can't stop crying ... I DON'T WANT TO MOVE TO MARYLAND ... it would be different if I was going to be living on my own ... but I know what it is like when I live with my mom I have zero social life ... I don't know why I just do ... and I don't even have one friend out there ... I don't meet people now where the fuck would I meet people there ... 

I am at the point of sobbing now ... I really just feel like beating my head against the wall ... something ... anything ... what is it ... what makes me repel people ... man I tried so hard to make it out here ... and my mom wants me to go give my notice to break my lease today ... you know what a sad day it will be to go turn that letter in ... 

I truly don't know how much more of feeling like this I can take ... I am unhappy to my core ... deep deep inside ... my chest hurts thinking about it ... since I was a child everyone I have known has told me I was destined for something great ... I don't know if they were lying ... or if they built me up too much and I don't know how to accomplish anything anymore ... whatever it is my life feels like a void ... all those people who wrote to me saying "I can't wait to say I knew her when" ... shit I can't even get a minimum wage job ... maybe they were talking when I am completely down and out ... 

man I feel bad I just ignored a bunch of messages from people concerned about my well-being ... but what do I say ... oh I am bawling my fucking head off cause I feel like a complete and absolute looser ... every day I think it is going to be a bit better and I have to say every day it feels a bit worse ... 5 days into this year and I can't wait for it to be over ... and I don't even want to open my emails after I post this saying ... "Liz I can't believe no one will hire you ... or Liz it will get better it always does ... or Liz it is just a down point in your life it will look up soon" ... shit I think that every day and it isn't that way ... moving to my parents isn't a step back ... it is like falling down 60 flights of stairs ... it is like becoming a child again ... a 30 year old child ... 

sometimes ... like right now ... I wish I could just melt into nothingness!!!!

Well yesterday felt like another lazy day

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Today was one of those pretty lazy days

 Today was one of those pretty lazy days ... but it was nice and I still got some stuff done but not all I wanted to accomplish ... I need to work on my friend Jason T.'s website ... he is writing a gay budget travel guide ... which just rocks ... and I am doing his website ... and I told him I would work on it tonight and instead spent way too much time screwing around with stuff on my site ... but I did add a guestbook tonight ... although for some reason the link isn't showing up on all the pages even though it does in FrontPage ... so you can see why that would be totally annoying ... but the link is ... http://www.itsliz.com/guestbook.htm ... {smile} ... 

so while I was online screwing around with stuff I got a letter from the coolest chick ... and she has a webcam site too ... which totally rocks ... and unlike some other webcam girls she is really cool ... and we chatted a whole bunch tonight ... I am so happy someone from my site gave her a link to my url ... and she wrote me ... so ya gotta check out her site ... http://www.webbitch.org ... it is a totally cool site ... and I was so happy she downloaded gooey and joined the site tonight ... 

I did actually get my kitchen clean today ... just in time to mess it up making dinner ... hahahaa of course ... man I can't even think of what I did today ... what a wasted day ... the only times I left the house were to get coffee ... I didn't even watch any TV really ... usually days where I get nothing done I at least watched a couple of movies ... 

ohhh I did check out Habitat for Humanity's site ... and they had a whole bunch of job postings ... so I wrote a cover letter and sent in an application ... I also got the number to volunteer out here ... the jobs weren't out here but that is cool ... I would love to work for them ... they even had a web designer position open ... which would totally rock ... 

I did talk to heather for a while tonight ... she is working on a quilt for her sisters baby ... which made me want to work on one ... so I think I am going to see if Chevy will come by tomorrow and help me get my sewing machine out of the closet and into the living room ... I might try to do it myself tomorrow but my back has been killing me so I don't wanna fuck it up even more ... cause then I will just be in hell ... 

I do need to go looking for a job ... to make some money ... my parents are paying my rent this month ... I am so sorry that I haven't been good with money ... cause if I had some stashed away right now ... I would buy the websites from Dean and just start my own web designing company ... I know I could make it work if I didn't have someone screwing with the pages and stuff ... and then John and Chris could keep working on stuff and I would actually pay them ... and I wouldn't have to even think about moving in with my parents which as much as I love them I don't really want to do ... and I would get to keep doing what I love instead of looking for a job ... all I have ever wanted was a career I love ... not just a job ya know ... 

ohhhh man my new toy ... ROCKS ... best vibe I have gotten in a long time ... I just love it ... good purchase and it was cheap ... under 15 bucks ... can't beat that ... so I am so glad Kris and I went ... 

man Melanie has this fade program that works between cam pics and it is so bitchen ... I was trying to mess with it tonight ... but I was having trouble doing a remote window ... I don't know why ... maybe I am just too tired to think about it ... I guess I will try again tomorrow ... 

well I am sick of writing so I am going to go back to figuring out why the links for the guest book aren't working on all the pages ... woohoo what fun I have ... 

Happy New Year!!

 Happy New Year!!

I know I didn't want to go out ... but I did wind up having a great time ... it was a small party which was perfect ... I think everyone had a blast ... and the pictures are proof of that ... man they get funnier as the evening goes on ... ending in a picture of me passed out on the bathroom floor ... well I wasn't passed out but I was sick and laying there just waiting to throw up ...  I drank a bunch but not THAT much ... I think it was really just a combo of everything ... having vodka and cranberry ... then champagne ... and all mixed with Kris' spicy bean dip ... ohhh and smoking a big fat cigar ... but at least once I threw up Kris was ready to go home ... Chevy and I had been trying to get her to leave for almost 2 hours at that point ... 

everyone loved my boa ... especially me ... although I am sure jess and Mario didn't have fun cleaning up all the feathers this morning ... hahahaaa ... my mom said they will either never have me over again or make me come over and clean up ...

Kris and I ran around all morning getting stuff for the party ... it was fun ... and we got all the stuff done we needed to on the strip before 11 AM which was our goal ... cause as the day went on it just got more and more crowded down there ... I even had time for a nap in the afternoon which was a good thing ... cause I was kinda wiped out ... and had a bad headache ... but by the time we left to go out I felt great ... loved my outfit ... and even got some glitter that I put all over my face and hair ... it rocked ... 

still wished I had had someone to mack out with at midnight ... but I was happy to be with all my friends ... and Jessica's mom is so funny ... she was calling people in all the time zones to wish them a happy new year ... it was hysterical ... and since we were in our pjs ... that was her first question to everyone after screaming happy new year and blowing horns ... 

once I got home I threw up a bit more ... and crawled right into bed ... only to have Kris call and wake me up a couple of hours later cause she couldn't sleep and she wanted to make sure I was alright ... and once I am up ... I am up ... so I watched the rose parade ... and then sat on the couch all afternoon watching movies ... it was a nice relaxing day ... and after I ate I felt so much better ... 

tonight Kris came by and we ran some errands ... including getting a new vibrator for me ... kinda anxious to try it out ... always love getting a new toy ... I just hate that they break so fast ... there is this one vibrator I have wanted to get for years but it is 80 fucking bucks ... and there is no way I could ever spend that much on a vibe when I am not even sure I would like it ... and they seem to last me only 6 months or so ... but it is soooo cool ... has these beads inside it ... too bad ya can't test drive them before shelling out money like that ... and I have never seen it for cheaper ... I looked for one tonight that was electric instead of battery operated ... cause the batteries are costing me a fortune ... but they didn't have any at all ... no biggie ... I think I am going to switch to rechargeable batteries cause my vibe ... my digital camera ... and my diskman run through them so fast ... I would save the environment and a fortune if I went to rechargeable ... 

I came across this pretty groovy site tonight ... http://www.dotcomguy.com ... a guy with a ton of video cameras in his house ... and broadcasts over the internet ... he moved into the place today ... it is totally empty and he is going to live there for a year ... the place is empty and "the idea" is to prove you can do everything from online ... order furniture ... food ... pretty much everything from online ... it is so cool I am sorry I didn't think of it myself ... I could have been dotcomgal ... hahahahaa ... 

goodness I have been working on my site since about 7 and it is almost 2 AM now ... I had to set up all my old journals to 1999 ... since I would eventually have the same month names this year ... and I redid all the photo albums I have cause some of the old ones were shitty ... and it had been bugging me ... took me way way way longer than I thought it would ... but alas this is the last thing I have to do ... finish my journal entry and upload everything ... I think I might even take a bath while it uploads ... cause I hate putting a message on my screen about new stuff before I check it all out myself ... there have been plenty of times I have messed up ... and left a message up all night about a new gallery or something only to wake up to a ton of messages telling me it wasn't working ... 

man I sure got some shit about writing about that guy emailing me back ... I mean fuck I was referring to someone I know personally ... not to mention the fact that it does take me a while to respond to 100s of emails everyday ... and sometimes I just don't get them ... I know that ... the system isn't perfect ... I mean I feel bad that sometimes it takes me a couple of days to respond to people that write me ... but I'll admit some days I just don't have it in me to sit here for several hours and respond to email ... but when my friends write me I always respond right away ... as long as I remember to open my email ... I mean the people I know personally shouldn't have to wait a couple of days for me to get through all the other ones before I get to one of theirs ... these are some of the decisions I have made about the site ... and people weren't giving me shit cause they thought I was being a hard nose about asking to hear back from someone ... they were giving me shit cause I either never responded to them {and the ones that wrote me about that I checked and were all people that had sent me rude and disgusting emails to being with} or that it took me 2 days to get back to them ... ack!! ... I mean come on ... give me a break ... I do respond to everyone {again except the rude and disgusting ones} in time ... and ya know so many people write me back surprised that I responded to being with ... so ya know ... whatever ... 

Kris and I are going to join Habitat for Humanity ... I am so excited ... we have been trying to find something we wanted to volunteer for and I think this is just a great idea ... I'm going to look into it tomorrow ... that and finding some work ... I hope the pizza place needs me ... we will find out soon enough ... but I would be happy doing that ... I mean it kinda sucked but at the same time ... it was money ... tips at the end of each day ... so I knew I had something to live on ... 

I have kinda given up on my P.O. Box ... it is such a bummer it always being empty ... I haven't even gotten one post card yet ... I know a friend of mine sent one ... but I still haven't gotten it ... at least it is on the way to Kris' house so it isn't like I have to make a special trip to go there like I did in Cali ... but still I get all excited every time I walk in ... and then ... zip ... zilch ... nada ... hahahaaa ... although my fortune telling cards said I was going to have good luck this year ... so maybe one day it will just be stuffed and I'll get all giddy ... 

ok totally rambling now ... I think I will start my upload and take a bath ... sounds so nice ... and then ... wooohooo ... toy time ... and sweet dreams to follow ... I need good rest and sweet dreams tonight cause tomorrow I HAVE to clean my house ... this is the first year in 12 years that I didn't do a full-on hard core cleaning before midnight if new years eve ... feel kinda bad about that ... but I just didn't want to ... so tomorrow I at least have to do a descent cleaning ... hahahahaa ... at least!!