have you even been spiraling out of control into a pit of doom ... your stomach keeps dropping ... your head hurts ... body aches ... and you wish you could just hit the bottom ... with every tear you expel you feel closer and closer to the bottom but it never comes ... never comes ... you just keep dropping and dropping and dropping ...


I am in that spiral right now ... and the tears won't stop ... and the dropping won't stop ... the sickness in my stomach never leaves ... I have taken to grinding my teeth while awake which leaves me with a never ending headache ...


this is the life I have stepped into ... and the only way to get out is to compromise everything I want ... to give up my dreams and desires ... and to let other people rule my life ... or to fucking spite everyone around me including myself ... I am choosing the latter


it is all so stupid but so crippling as well ... and it all has to do with getting married ... why isn't there a book out there that says "getting married is a fucking nightmare and you will be sorry you decided to do it" ... that book I would buy ...


my mom has become a completely irrational beast ... and I can no longer deal with it ... not only is she making me a fucking lunatic she is doing the same to David and my dad ... and I have to put a stop to it ...


so I am choosing no wedding ... no party ... no celebration ... no sharing the day with loved ones ... no gifts ... no fucking nothing ... I will not even tell anyone what day we are going to do it ... and then once we do I will lie about the day so no one can share the day with us ...


yes I was a girl who dreamed of that special day ... but that was decades ago ... there will be no first dance with my new husband ... no father-daughter dance ... no being walked down the aisle with my dad ... all the things I looked forward to will be gone ...


there will be no visits with old friends ... no family around to witness the celebration ... fuck it all ... it will be David and I one afternoon at the fucking Rockville courthouse surrounded by strangers who don't give a shit what we are doing ... no tux and no fancy dress ... no bubbles blown and no pictures to commemorate the day ...


at this point I have no problem cutting off my nose to spite my face ... it sounds like a brilliant idea to me ... and then let those who are screwing with me now have to stare at the gaping hole where my nose used to be ...