Dream Job

years and years ago when I was living with a man that told me I wouldn't amount to much I set on a path to prove him wrong ... and to make a life for myself that didn't depend on anyone ...


I sat down and figured out what I really wanted to do with my life ... I realized that I wanted to become fantastic at the computer ... and build web sites for people ... I did it for a hobby and taught myself everything so I figured I could teach myself a bit more and do it as a job ...


I took any job I was offered ... I didn't care if they couldn't pay me ... I wanted the practice and stuff for a resume ...


eventually I was offered a job in Las Vegas building porno websites for some guy ... and it paid me money ... I loved it ... who cares if I had to look at some pretty sick shit during the day ... I was getting paid for "my dream job" ...


that eventually led to a job in New York ... getting paid some pretty decent money ... and I did it all on my own ... now I was doing more than making sites ... I was helping others make theirs ... I was selling web space ... it felt wonderful ...


greedy business owners tried selling and selling again ... until most of us were fucked for a job ... and after 9/11 it was down hill from there ...


so with a new guy in tow that told me I could do anything I wanted with my life we moved to Maryland to figure that out ... I searched and wondered and made lists ... nothing came to mind ...


when we had finally hit rock bottom in the money department [that means 2 thirty-somethings living at home in the basement of my parents house and having to borrow money from my mom to go get tampons] I realized I didn't know what I wanted to do and I reluctantly took an office job at my dad's company ...


well in 3 months I will have been there a year ... and I still have no idea what my dream job is ...


I had what I thought was a dream ... but that faded ... I have no desire to work in the internet industry anymore ...


but I can't figure out what I want to do ... how do I not know ... how is there nothing driving me ...


all I know is that I really don't want to work there ... it was fine when no one knew the boss was my dad ... because I was my own person ... now I am "the boss' kid" ... I have no identity of my own ...


it would be one thing if I were paid like the boss' kid ... but I am not ... I am paid like I am doing an internship ... we are close to living hand to mouth again ... and I don't want that to happen ... but more importantly one should be happy at work ... I mean we spend so much time there ...


I think all stress comes at one time ... at least for me ... I don't get a little here and there ... I get a lot at once ...

- worrying about money

- trying to imagine a career that will make me happy

- fighting with david

- wilting like a dead flower when my mom talks about the fricken wedding

- listening to all the problems of my friends because I don't want to burden them with mine

- trying so god damn hard to loose weight

- offering support to david's new career and worrying about his happiness


I know in the scope of life they are all minor things ... there are bigger problems out there ... but when I start taking them on too I lose control ... I was always good about volunteering ... I haven't been lately ...


I guess if I could pick any job it would be doing volunteer work ... but that doesn't pay the bills ... I worked at a homeless shelter for families for years ... gave birthday parties for kids ... collected food and toiletries and clothes from anyone who would hand them over ... and I was always happy there ... and I have spent countless hours helping to build homes for people ... finding restaurants to donate lunches for the workers or just making them myself ... I got my dad so excited his company donates all the window coverings for the Habitat homes ...


ok I think I turned my mind around ... I think I need to go back out and do stuff for others and my complaints will fall into place ... because I know my problems are trivial ... I know there is bigger stuff out there ... and I feel guilty even moaning ... but sometimes it is just a bit of moaning that gets me out of my funk ...


but I am still leaving the new black and gray design ... I like the poutyness of it ... :)