Heading to DC

well we leave today for Washington D.C. for my little brother's wedding ... i am kind of excited ... i also think this is the first vacation i have taken where i didn't care about checking my work email ... it is going to be kinda nice ...


another good thing ... so far david and i have been getting along better than ever before this trip ... we seem to always fight before we are leaving the house for at least a night ... our trips to vegas and DC last time were terrible fights ... where we didn't even want to go away with each other ... but today he is cracking some good jokes ... and we have not been rushed [yet] about getting ready ... its quite nice ... makes me kinda excited for the trip ... more so than normal ...

well we leave today for Washington D.C. for my little brother's wedding ... i am kind of excited ... i also think this is the first vacation i have taken where i didn't care about checking my work email ... it is going to be kinda nice ...


another good thing ... so far david and i have been getting along better than ever before this trip ... we seem to always fight before we are leaving the house for at least a night ... our trips to vegas and DC last time were terrible fights ... where we didn't even want to go away with each other ... but today he is cracking some good jokes ... and we have not been rushed [yet] about getting ready ... its quite nice ... makes me kinda excited for the trip ... more so than normal ...

Fixed

yea i finally fixed my blogger!!

yea i finally fixed my blogger!!

Movies

I forgot to write that i saw dogma last night ... night before was mallrats ... night before that was office space ... office space was really very good ... david and i were busting out laughing ...

I forgot to write that i saw dogma last night ... night before was mallrats ... night before that was office space ... office space was really very good ... david and i were busting out laughing ...

Stepford Worker

OK I sooooo need to go to bed ... but once again ... i am feeling kinda sick to my stomach cause i don't wanna go to work tomorrow ...


today i slept on the train from the second i sat down ... and it was like instinct to feel sick the second the train pulled into Penn ... i mean my eyes were closed and i knew i was there ...


I would say the only good thing about work is Tracy ... and today she got another job offer ... and as soon as it is final ... that is it ... i am stuck in that hell hole alone ... i gotta find something before she gives notice ... otherwise i look like a fucking looser pushover that couldn't get another job so i am stuck there ... and to management that means you can be pushed around ...


i am like a stepford worker ... i feel like a drone there ... i can't even smile any more ... it is painfully obvious that i don't want to be there ... which can't help my position ...


it is too bad i wasn't able to quit the moment they insulted me with my raise ... i didn't even get half of what i asked for and today they gave a guy double that ... we had to go through and put all our names on our accounts ... i have more than any other sales person there ... more than 1/3 more than the next higher person ... and still i am paid less than everyone else ...


what is it that makes me easily fuckable in work situations ... fuck fuck fuck


i don't want to go there anymore ... it is ripping every part of self esteem i have ...


i am glad david is asleep cause i am bawling now ... and he hates to see me like this about work ... since he hates them enough already ...


the little bit i slept last night was filled with nightmares ... i haven't had bad dreams since i was a kid ...


and now tracy is leaving ... and i am going to be stuck in hell ... pure fucking hell ...


man i pay way too much for a shithole of a house ... david is depressed about not working and i am wallowing in depression about where i have to work ... and to top it off kramer is really sick ... david had to take him to the vet today and he has a virus ... the poor thing lost so much weight ... and keeps throwing up ... he feels so tiny when he is sitting in my lap ... i can feel every bone in his body ...


i know that we have to have bad in order to appreciate the good ... but where is the good ... david and i are good people ... i want just a little for us ... i want him to be happy ... and to feel good about himself ... i want us to be able to have a stress free day where we can truly enjoy each others company ...


well i guess i should lay down and dread the morning for a while ... starting to get used to the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach ... :(

OK I sooooo need to go to bed ... but once again ... i am feeling kinda sick to my stomach cause i don't wanna go to work tomorrow ...


today i slept on the train from the second i sat down ... and it was like instinct to feel sick the second the train pulled into Penn ... i mean my eyes were closed and i knew i was there ...


I would say the only good thing about work is Tracy ... and today she got another job offer ... and as soon as it is final ... that is it ... i am stuck in that hell hole alone ... i gotta find something before she gives notice ... otherwise i look like a fucking looser pushover that couldn't get another job so i am stuck there ... and to management that means you can be pushed around ...


i am like a stepford worker ... i feel like a drone there ... i can't even smile any more ... it is painfully obvious that i don't want to be there ... which can't help my position ...


it is too bad i wasn't able to quit the moment they insulted me with my raise ... i didn't even get half of what i asked for and today they gave a guy double that ... we had to go through and put all our names on our accounts ... i have more than any other sales person there ... more than 1/3 more than the next higher person ... and still i am paid less than everyone else ...


what is it that makes me easily fuckable in work situations ... fuck fuck fuck


i don't want to go there anymore ... it is ripping every part of self esteem i have ...


i am glad david is asleep cause i am bawling now ... and he hates to see me like this about work ... since he hates them enough already ...


the little bit i slept last night was filled with nightmares ... i haven't had bad dreams since i was a kid ...


and now tracy is leaving ... and i am going to be stuck in hell ... pure fucking hell ...


man i pay way too much for a shithole of a house ... david is depressed about not working and i am wallowing in depression about where i have to work ... and to top it off kramer is really sick ... david had to take him to the vet today and he has a virus ... the poor thing lost so much weight ... and keeps throwing up ... he feels so tiny when he is sitting in my lap ... i can feel every bone in his body ...


i know that we have to have bad in order to appreciate the good ... but where is the good ... david and i are good people ... i want just a little for us ... i want him to be happy ... and to feel good about himself ... i want us to be able to have a stress free day where we can truly enjoy each others company ...


well i guess i should lay down and dread the morning for a while ... starting to get used to the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach ... :(

Rage

work has gotten worse and worse and worse ... it is like pure dread when i wake up in the morning ... because i just hate being there so much ... i have started staying up later and later each night cause i know that postpones the next day ... and on the weekend i don't want to go to bed cause i want my time away from work to last as long as possible ...


one of the worst feelings in the world is hating your work ... you spend so much time there it shouldn't be a place that makes you sick to your stomach ... that instills so much rage ... it just shouldn't be like that ...


i miss the days that i looked forward to going to work ...

work has gotten worse and worse and worse ... it is like pure dread when i wake up in the morning ... because i just hate being there so much ... i have started staying up later and later each night cause i know that postpones the next day ... and on the weekend i don't want to go to bed cause i want my time away from work to last as long as possible ...


one of the worst feelings in the world is hating your work ... you spend so much time there it shouldn't be a place that makes you sick to your stomach ... that instills so much rage ... it just shouldn't be like that ...


i miss the days that i looked forward to going to work ...

Kramer

Kramer is gone and i don't know what to do ... on Thursday he went out and david stayed up half the night outside calling him ... waiting for him to come home and he never did ... friday all morning david was outside calling him and looking for him and again he didn't come home ... david left at 3:30 to meet me in the city ... i told him to just leave a bowl of food out incase he came home ... we got home today around 12:30 and we have yet to see him ... we have walked all over the neighborhood driven around called his name ... everything we can do and he still isn't around ... we are going on 2 days ... which to me means ... he is gone ... i started crying earlier but i know how much that upsets david so i just took a nap ...


OH MY GOD HE JUST CAME HOME!!!!!


david and i are just sitting here watching the Partridge Family movie and we here this jingle ... there is kramer sitting there ... like nothing has happened ... i grabbed him and david ran up and closed the door ...


he is staying in for a while ... FOR SURE!!

Kramer is gone and i don't know what to do ... on Thursday he went out and david stayed up half the night outside calling him ... waiting for him to come home and he never did ... friday all morning david was outside calling him and looking for him and again he didn't come home ... david left at 3:30 to meet me in the city ... i told him to just leave a bowl of food out incase he came home ... we got home today around 12:30 and we have yet to see him ... we have walked all over the neighborhood driven around called his name ... everything we can do and he still isn't around ... we are going on 2 days ... which to me means ... he is gone ... i started crying earlier but i know how much that upsets david so i just took a nap ...


OH MY GOD HE JUST CAME HOME!!!!!


david and i are just sitting here watching the Partridge Family movie and we here this jingle ... there is kramer sitting there ... like nothing has happened ... i grabbed him and david ran up and closed the door ...


he is staying in for a while ... FOR SURE!!

well i just got some groovy news ... my brother has all these free hotel coupons from traveling so much ... so he is setting davie and i up in a hotel in NYC on friday night ... so david can take the train up to the city and meet me at the station ... and we can hang out ... free AIR CONDITIONED hotel room ... have a little dinner ... and relax ... this will be great and just what we need ... i am excited ...


we went once before and stayed in a different hotel ... it wasn't close to all that much and it rained the whole time ... but this hotel is right near Times Square so there will be plently to do ...


i am looking more forward to the weekend than usual ... :)

David's Worry

i wish david didn't worry so much ... i know he much be frustrated as hell about finding a job and paying for school ... but money wise we are alright ... not rich but not in the street either ... and there is nothing i can do to ease his mind ... which makes me feel terrible ... i want him to relax and be happy and a job will come ... i am sure of it ...

i wish david didn't worry so much ... i know he much be frustrated as hell about finding a job and paying for school ... but money wise we are alright ... not rich but not in the street either ... and there is nothing i can do to ease his mind ... which makes me feel terrible ... i want him to relax and be happy and a job will come ... i am sure of it ...

Link

David's Blogger

David's Blogger

Old Crush

today i took the train home with a guy from work ... it was a guy that at one time i had a crush on ... and i sat on that train the whole time today thinking ... what did i ever see in him at all ... i can't even get an incling of feeling like i do when i just think about david ... it was just an undescribable feeling ... i kept thinking ... he is nothing compared to david ... just made me quite happy ... :)

today i took the train home with a guy from work ... it was a guy that at one time i had a crush on ... and i sat on that train the whole time today thinking ... what did i ever see in him at all ... i can't even get an incling of feeling like i do when i just think about david ... it was just an undescribable feeling ... i kept thinking ... he is nothing compared to david ... just made me quite happy ... :)

Worry

i can't even believe that last post of mine ... but i know it was how i was feeling at the moment ... it is probably cause in my mind i am waiting for the inevitable ... every boy i have ever cared about at some point talks about my weight and when i am going to loose it ... but not david ... i should accept that and be happy ... but i think it is because i just worry ... i would be more devastated hearing something from him than anyone else ...

i can't even believe that last post of mine ... but i know it was how i was feeling at the moment ... it is probably cause in my mind i am waiting for the inevitable ... every boy i have ever cared about at some point talks about my weight and when i am going to loose it ... but not david ... i should accept that and be happy ... but i think it is because i just worry ... i would be more devastated hearing something from him than anyone else ...

Worthy

have you ever disliked yourself so much ... you question why the person you are with ... is with you ...

it is not so much myself that i dislike ... for i love 'who' i am ... just lately ... in particularly 3 minutes ago ... i realized i disliked my body soooo much ... i wondered why david would even be with me ...


... i truly believe it isn't what a person looks like that makes them who they are ... it is everything about them ... but often times it is what they look like that influences who they are ...


i would say in every relationship i have had ... in the end i was the one who was hurt ... and yes it has made me a stronger person ... more aware of who i truly am ... for when a part of you is held captive by someone else ... once you regain control again that part of you is even stronger ... and you fall more in love with those aspects of you ...


but a part of me is totally freaking out right now ... i have given more of myself in every way possible to david ... he falls the closest second ever to my best friends of any man ever ... but what if i am wrong to give this much trust to another person ... to hand over this much of myself ... how do i know he is worthy ...


if i don't like a part of myself this much ... how can that not affect him ...

have you ever disliked yourself so much ... you question why the person you are with ... is with you ...

it is not so much myself that i dislike ... for i love 'who' i am ... just lately ... in particularly 3 minutes ago ... i realized i disliked my body soooo much ... i wondered why david would even be with me ...


... i truly believe it isn't what a person looks like that makes them who they are ... it is everything about them ... but often times it is what they look like that influences who they are ...


i would say in every relationship i have had ... in the end i was the one who was hurt ... and yes it has made me a stronger person ... more aware of who i truly am ... for when a part of you is held captive by someone else ... once you regain control again that part of you is even stronger ... and you fall more in love with those aspects of you ...


but a part of me is totally freaking out right now ... i have given more of myself in every way possible to david ... he falls the closest second ever to my best friends of any man ever ... but what if i am wrong to give this much trust to another person ... to hand over this much of myself ... how do i know he is worthy ...


if i don't like a part of myself this much ... how can that not affect him ...

The World

To the world you might be one person,

but to one person you might be the world.

To the world you might be one person,

but to one person you might be the world.

My Old Job

there was a brief moment when i thought looking for a job would be fun and exciting ... i mean come on i am in new york ... and there are so many groovy companies out here to choose from ... but i am sad my job is ending ... i really really loved this job ... i saw myself doing it for years ... i loved the people i worked with ... my customers ... and the work i was doing ...


I WANT MY OLD JOB BACK!!!!!!!


why are they changing a good thing ... and why don't i have the money to start my own adult web host ... i don't need to make a ton of money ... i just want to be happy at work ... and i want to make enough money so that i don't have to worry in life and i can put a little bit away ...


i want david and i to be able to get a house ... and build a home together ...

fuck i want us to have enough money to go to a fricken movie once in a while ...


i work so hard and it is all slipping away ... i am loosing my job and there is nothing i can do about it ... sure i could stay with this company and either hate my life or sink with the ship ... but i DON'T WANT TO WORK THERE ANYMORE ... i no longer like the people i work with ... and i am not happy about their practices ... i am too fucking talented and hard working to stay somewhere where i am underpaid ... and have to do things i don't like ...


fuck i want this nightmare to end ...

there was a brief moment when i thought looking for a job would be fun and exciting ... i mean come on i am in new york ... and there are so many groovy companies out here to choose from ... but i am sad my job is ending ... i really really loved this job ... i saw myself doing it for years ... i loved the people i worked with ... my customers ... and the work i was doing ...


I WANT MY OLD JOB BACK!!!!!!!


why are they changing a good thing ... and why don't i have the money to start my own adult web host ... i don't need to make a ton of money ... i just want to be happy at work ... and i want to make enough money so that i don't have to worry in life and i can put a little bit away ...


i want david and i to be able to get a house ... and build a home together ...

fuck i want us to have enough money to go to a fricken movie once in a while ...


i work so hard and it is all slipping away ... i am loosing my job and there is nothing i can do about it ... sure i could stay with this company and either hate my life or sink with the ship ... but i DON'T WANT TO WORK THERE ANYMORE ... i no longer like the people i work with ... and i am not happy about their practices ... i am too fucking talented and hard working to stay somewhere where i am underpaid ... and have to do things i don't like ...


fuck i want this nightmare to end ...

Overflowing Sink

I love David so much ... he just makes me so happy ... even with all the shit with work ... and I know how he hates to hear about it ... but he still listens and he manages to make me laugh all weekend long ... i love that ...

tonight he was making pasta for dinner ... he comes into the office saying 'oh shit ... oh shit' ... and putting on his shoes ... i asked him what was wrong and he said ... 'i fucked up and i don't want to tell you what i did' ... so of course i had to get up and see what he did ... well i started laughing so hard tears were streaming down my face and i had to go sit down ...

he went to fill up the sink to soak the dishes ... and came back in and started working on his computer ... and forgot he left the water running ... the kitchen was on its way to flooding ... the counter was puddled with water along with the kitchen floor ... and when i opened the silverware drawer the silverware holder was floating ... the water was almost to the top of the drawer ...

man the two of us couldn't stop laughing while we got every towel in the house to clean up the mess ...

i have to say one thing ... along with laughing our asses off ... we also got the kitchen and all our linens clean tonight ... :)

I love David so much ... he just makes me so happy ... even with all the shit with work ... and I know how he hates to hear about it ... but he still listens and he manages to make me laugh all weekend long ... i love that ...

tonight he was making pasta for dinner ... he comes into the office saying 'oh shit ... oh shit' ... and putting on his shoes ... i asked him what was wrong and he said ... 'i fucked up and i don't want to tell you what i did' ... so of course i had to get up and see what he did ... well i started laughing so hard tears were streaming down my face and i had to go sit down ...

he went to fill up the sink to soak the dishes ... and came back in and started working on his computer ... and forgot he left the water running ... the kitchen was on its way to flooding ... the counter was puddled with water along with the kitchen floor ... and when i opened the silverware drawer the silverware holder was floating ... the water was almost to the top of the drawer ...

man the two of us couldn't stop laughing while we got every towel in the house to clean up the mess ...

i have to say one thing ... along with laughing our asses off ... we also got the kitchen and all our linens clean tonight ... :)

Four and a Half

the commute is mind numbing ... i leave my house each morning at 7AM and i get to work at 9:25 ... then I leave each day at 5 PM and get home around 7 PM ... I spend 4.5 hours a day commuting ... at the end of the week that is like having a part time job ... except i don't get anything done ... i don't know how people spend their life doing this ... i doubt i will last that long ...

the commute is mind numbing ... i leave my house each morning at 7AM and i get to work at 9:25 ... then I leave each day at 5 PM and get home around 7 PM ... I spend 4.5 hours a day commuting ... at the end of the week that is like having a part time job ... except i don't get anything done ... i don't know how people spend their life doing this ... i doubt i will last that long ...

The Merge

i kept waiting to write ... hoping i could make a positive entry ... but alas i fear if i wait till i have something positive to say i may never write again ...


so i have spent the week comuting to the city ... fucking sucks is the best way to put it ... now i believe it would make a difference if i loved the job here ... but that fucking sucks even more ... the people that were in this office that we moved in with bite ... they are back stabbing liers ... that are doing everything they can to make us look bad and get us fired ... and we are helpless to do anything ... our boss doesn't give a shit anymore ... and the 4 of us from LI are just sitting ducks with nothing to do ... they have sales meetings without us ... they make up things about it ... it is unbelieveable ... you would never know we worked for the same company ...

i kept waiting to write ... hoping i could make a positive entry ... but alas i fear if i wait till i have something positive to say i may never write again ...


so i have spent the week comuting to the city ... fucking sucks is the best way to put it ... now i believe it would make a difference if i loved the job here ... but that fucking sucks even more ... the people that were in this office that we moved in with bite ... they are back stabbing liers ... that are doing everything they can to make us look bad and get us fired ... and we are helpless to do anything ... our boss doesn't give a shit anymore ... and the 4 of us from LI are just sitting ducks with nothing to do ... they have sales meetings without us ... they make up things about it ... it is unbelieveable ... you would never know we worked for the same company ...