ItsLiz Past Blogs: June 2001

Thursday, June 28, 2001

No More Thinking

lately i feel like the responsible one in every aspect of my life ... and i am getting kinda tired of it ... it is so physically draining ... and mentally exhausting ... i don't want to always be the responsible one ... sometimes i want to cut loose and have fun and not have to worry

... worry about paying rent and answering inquiries and paying bills and setting up customers and getting groceries and following up to see that work was done and doing laundry and helping others learn how to do thing at work and doing the dishes and appologizing to and recovering customers others were too lazy with and fullfilling the needs of those around me ... and ...

i want other people around me to willingly shoulder the responsibility of life ... i want to feel spoiled once in a while ... i want there to not be tears welling up inside me because of the burdens of life weighting down on me ...

sometimes i feel so powerless ... and overwhelmed ... is this what the rest of life has in store for me ... stress at work ... stress at home ... the incurable desire to be a perfectionist in anything that is a reflection of me ...

sometimes i just wish i could feel attention and gratitude and the pampering i give other people ... my customers have no idea the measures i go to for them ... no idea ... sometimes when i pick up a sign up i think ... "this person is so lucky i am the one that got their email ... they have no idea how lucky they are' ... cause they are ... i fucking work hard 24/7 ... and that is something i say with confidence and pride cause i do work hard ... really really hard ... but i guess lately i don't feel it back ...

and at home i am not feeling it back lately either ... i would love to come home one night to a night for me ... where i don't have to make any decisions ... where i get some attention ... i just haven't felt it ... ya know what would be great ... to come home to dinner ... shit if i were home all day and david were at work ... i would cook dinner ... something good ... something that would make him glad to be home and relaxed and happy ... i did it for eric all the time ... i was home from school and work long before he was home for work ... and i would cook dinner cause i knew how nice it was to come home and not have to think about it ...

instead every night it is ...

"david what would you like for dinner?"

"i don't know what would you like?"

"that wasn't my question ... I asked what you wanted for dinner?"

"whatever you want"

i want to not think about it ... i want a break from thinking for 1 hour ...

i want to do something other than listen to you type on your keyboard and get an occasional kiss when you get up for coffee or to go to the bathroom ...

i want to spend an evening with you ... something anything that i don't have to plan ... cajole ... and execute

No DSL

well DSL went down at our house ... so i haven't really been online once i get home from work ... kinda nice but if i can't work-work at night it leaves a lot in my inbox the next morning ...

so we are totally short handed cause most people are at the show in vegas ... 3 of us left in sales ... and one guy actually deceides not to show up today ... what the fuck is up with that ... do people get that we are moving to a new office and some people don't get to go ... that this would be the time to fucking work your ass off to no end ...

so today i am left with really the most useless person in our department ... he has yet to do anything this whole week ... it is amazing ... i would blow my brians out if i just sat at my desk all day 'looking' busy ... i just couldn't do it ...

well since i am technically the only one in sales here today i better get back to work ... i only have 48 emails so far this morning ... that is a doable amount ... although every time i put one away ... i get two more ... hahahahaaa

Tuesday, June 26, 2001

Psycho

so ... i just found out ... the talk around the office now ...

i am psycho

isn't that nice to hear ... makes you want to go to work everyday huh?

first of all there are some velatively new people here that have no fucking idea what they are talking about ... and they are the loudest about me being crazy ...

i don't think they realize that there was an 8 month period where we didn't have 24 tech support ... but i had a phone in my house that the office number rang on ... so i answered the phone at all hours of the night ... and on the weekends ... that i was our 24/7 tech support and still came to work every single day ...

i also work all weekend setting people up ... doing tech support and answering emails ... every day of the week ...

fucking jackasses have no right to talk about me that way ... i work hard and take my work seriously ... that makes me psycho???

Leaving Me Alone

i can't believe there are 3 of us working over here and the 2 guys leave to smoke together ... and leave me here to get every incomming phone call ... it is all i can do to stay in a good mood and i have only been here 2 hours ... i have 3 more days of this shit

Don't Know

ya know there is one thing we sell that i don't know anything about

we don't do much of it ... and tracy always handles ... i mean there are a couple of things but one inparticular ...

first call of the day that i didn't automatically transfer to someone else like the fucking receptionist ... cgi mail ... and that is what tracy does ... and she kept telling me ... you won't get any cgi mail calls don't worry ...

yea right

The Beginning

i can't believe i made it here today ... it was a struggle ... knowing you are in for a week of hell ...

sanj let me go home at 1 yesterday cause he admitted this week wasn't going to be easy ...

so now i am sitting here with 63 emails in my in box wondering where to start now that i just finished writing this jackass in my office a pissed off email ...

Sunday, June 24, 2001

Dread

I may have had a somewhat relaxing weekend ... and David made it extra special by being home with me this weekend ... but i still did a shitload of work and saw that NONE of my coworkers did anything ...

what i don't understand is why be in the hosting business if you don't understand how important response time is ... when people sign up on saturday they want their login and they want to start working on their site ... sometimes the weekend is the only time they have to work ...

and why is it i am expected to work every weekend ... i should get one day during the week off ... that way there are other people there doing work so i don't have to worry ... that is what should fucking happen ... i should get to work from home on the weekends but one day a week i don't have to go in and i don't have to do general sales work ...

and i am kinda nervous about tomorrow ... i want to get through the day without anyone asking me what happened ... what are the chances of that ... but that is what i wish ... and if people do have to ask me ... please make my boss too busy to ask ...

the only way to express the problems i am having with work is to rat out other people ... and i don't like that position ... people already don't like me ... i don't need to make it worse ...

i wish i could just stay home tomorrow too and then go to work on tuesday when everyone has left for vegas ... and by the time they get back there will be a whole new mess of things for people to talk about and bitch about ...

i know there are going to be 2 other sales people in the office ... but to be honest ... they are really leaving me there alone ... one guy is new ... so he still needs help with stuff which makes it harder on me ... and one guy does everything he can to look busy and get nothing done ...

i have enough of my own stuff to worry about without being the only one in sales people will come to for problems or to get stuff done ...

shit i shouldn't have even started writing ... i am just getting myself all worked up ...

i think i will head to bed and try not to dread the upcomming week

Friday, June 22, 2001

Rejuvenating Day

ok so i took the day off ... and david called in sick ... and we got to spend the whole day together ...

we slept in ... went out for coffee ... i got to go to Michael's and buy all sorts of arts and crafts stuff ... davie went to Barnes and Noble ... we went to a computer store ... to the diner for lunch ... and bought a bunch of groovy stuff at Price Club ... and then stopped for coffee again ...

since we got home we have been relaxing ... i only put the stuff away that needed to go in the fridge or freezer ...

i did a little work on my parent's site ... davie has been working on his computer ... i painted some picture frames ... started working on this coffee can that i am painting to hold our kitchen utensils ... and been watching groovy movies all night ...

and now i am going to continue enjoying my rejuvenating day ... :)

Thursday, June 21, 2001

Outta Here

i flipped out today from stress and left early

so tomorrow i am taking a personal day ... i need it ...

i'm even going to take davie to work [if i can't talk him into playing hookie too] so i can have the car and go do fun stuff ... like get my hair cut ... buy some art supplies ... maybe check out Old Navy ... and just relax ...

i totally need it ... a refueling day ...

Wednesday, June 20, 2001

Help

i'm spinning out of control

Train Wreck

it is another hit by a train kinda day ... i feel like my life is slipping out of my control and i don't like that ... at all ... i am stressing myself out and not completely without reason ...

i wish someone would lay everything on the line ... you know i am a fucking hard worker ... i deserve to be told the truth about everything that is going on ... and instead ... i get bits and pieces here ... like i am an insignifican cog in the whole scheme of things ...

you know what there was a time when i kept a journal and all my entries were happy ... and i was loving every moment of life ... and now it is often times hard to remember what it feels like to love life ... is every job in my life going to cause me to become this horrible bitter jaded person ...

don't get me wrong ... i adore having a job and i really get off on working hard ... i don't know how to function any other way ... and i am not one of those people like the ones in my office that say they work hard but you know half the time they are pulling their pud and are not only trying to convience you but also themselves that they are working hard ... i really honely and truly am ...

i have worked at my present job since April 15th 2000 ... in those 431 days there has only been one day ... one solitary day that i didn't check my work email at all ... i don't think there is anyone else that can say that ... there are people that come close for sure ... but that is how dedicated i become when i am working ... so i know i am giving more than 100% ...

and yet day after day i sit with people that make more money for doing less even the bare essential ... and it goes unnoticed and unrecognized ...

damn this is turning into one big bitch fest ... but i think i am doing it to keep myself from crying ... although it isn't working too well ... cause the tears keep coming ... i just feel so defeated ...

i need to find some joy in life ... why else live ... but at this point i hardly even know where to look ... maybe it is this apartment ... 431 days is a long time to live without windows ... i've heard people can become depressed living in the basement ... there is no fresh air ... no sunlight ... no breeze ... just a cave ... where the only way to tell what time it is is by looking at the clock ...

i think i need to stop writing ... i am making myself sick to my stomach again ... ya know the stress and disappointment with how my life is currently going is eating away at me bit by bit ... and i don't like it at all ... not one little bit ...

Dickie's Bag

[side note ... this post is from last night ... blogger was just down ... I am not really in this good of a mood right at this moment although i do still love this bag]

i did it ... i found what i want ... The bag I am getting!!!! ... and i am getting it in magenta ...

ever since i found out our office could be moving to the city i have wanted to find a great shoulder bag ... in a bright color ... that could hold everything for me ... book ... purse stuff ... my lunch ... everything ... and this is for sure it ...

first thing i am doing on Friday morning is order it ... i gotta wait till i get paid ... so as soon as kris calls me at work and says ... hey your money was deposited ... it is to the website with my credit card ...

weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee i am SO FUCKING EXCITED about this ... it is exactly what i envisioned ... please let this spirit of exhuberence still be with me when i open the box ...

one last time in case you didn't click on any of the links above ...

18 By 5

have you ever just wanted to cry and cry and cry and hope it dehydrates you body so much you die ...

right now i wish that would happen ...

i ache with unhappiness ...

and i hate being this way ...

i am tired of finding new jobs ... learning to work with new people ... moving ... i just want a settled life ... i want to have enough money to not have to use change to buy lunch ...

i work fucking hard ... i am kind to people ... is this really too much to ask ... i don't think so ...

since 1989 i have moved 18 times ... to 5 different states ... its enough

H-A-T-E

today i hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Left Behind

ok i need to get this out ... and if tracy happens to read it well then i will deal with that problem as it arrises ...

there is a big adult hosting show in las vegas next week ... and i have been chosen to stay here and work ... to be with left with the two most worthless people in my department which means i am going to be overly swamped ...

tracy has been to 2 shows already ... i have been to one and sal has been to one ... tracy is going to this show ... and it is a week when her grandmother and aunt and uncle will be in town and it is her anniversary ... yet she is the one going to the show and i am the one staying here ...

i have gotten more emails than ever from customers that are going to be at the show and asked if they could take me out as a thank you for all my help ... and i have to tell them ... 'no i am stuck here' ...

the shows are the only place to meet customers who are big ... and i am the only sales person that has signed a huge huge huge customer from the show ... in fact i have signed up several huge customers that i met at shows and they are still choosing to leave me behind ...

sal was orignially picked to go cause he delt with content sales ... we don't even do content anymore ... and yet he and tracy are still the ones going ...

i need a fucking break from this place ... my last day off without doing any work at all was back in like january ... i took vacation in march but they sent me away with a laptop and i checked email and helped customers the whole time ...

i want one day away from here without touching my computer for work reasons ... and the fact that i feel the empending doom of next week isn't helping my attitude that much ...

i wish i didn't have the guilty conscience and i could call in sick tomorrow and spend the day with david without doing any work/work ...

Bullshit

is it impossible for me to have 2 good days in a row ...

i can't take the abuse anymore ... fucking customers yelling at me

techs acting like jackasses ...

i don't work this hard and get paid this little to spend my day being abused ... no way man ... i could go back to one of my thoughtless ex's if i wanted that ...

it is bullshit ... i think today my stress is settling in my back cause i can hardly move it ...

Tuesday, June 19, 2001

Insane

today i am happy ... my mind seems to have been set at ease ... davie is home from work and even though he is grunting while working on his Linux Box configurations ... he is here with me and that makes me happy ...

rob, lisa, david and i are going to TGIF on thursday ... i am kinda excited ... we all have fun together ... david and i don't go out and do a lot of stuff ... i know rob misses david ... i don't think they have seen each other since david quit work ... so it is going to be fun ...

i made a killer new necklace last night ... it came out so awesome ... but i think i am going to wait till thursday to wear it ... i wanna show it to lisa ...

i am getting so much better at making beaded necklaces it is great ... compared to my first ones all the shaped wire is having a much better and complete shape ... and they are looking more uniform without looking processed ... and my design is broadening ... i am becomming quite happy with them ... this is probably the best project heather has ever turned me onto ...

her necklaces are beautiful ... i feel quite honored cause she made me one for my birthday ... and she rarely makes them for anyone else ... and it is just gorgeous ... when i feel my craftsmanship can compare to hers i am going to make her one ... but i want it to be one that is great and beautifule because her's are amazing ... and she wears them all the time ... so i just wanna make sure it comes out great ya know ...

well there are a couple of websites i want to check out before i go to bed ... and i have been staying up way too late recently ... today i woke up late for work ... so i don't wanna do that again ... i didn't get there till 10 AM ... but see what a spaz i am ... i get there 30 minutes late and stay an hour and a half later ... dork ... no rest for the insane ...

Home

i wish i were leaving for home right now ...

Slammed

i may have had some slow time lately ... but that sure isn't the case today ... everyone wants everything right now ... i was supposed to go to a wedding today but that isn't going to happen ... if i even beat david home from the restaurant tonight i will be surprised ... ahhhhh shit and i have to take a cab home too ...

Monday, June 18, 2001

Lost Ideas

FUCK

I probably just wrote the most meaningful feelings in my life

sorted out so many things i had been thinking about ...

and when i hit publish it said i wasn't logged in ... fucker

i should just go back to keeping a site with a journal ... i don't loose so much that way

Shit For Money

i am watching Fear Factor and it is so fucking gross i can't believe people do this shit for money ...

18%

18% reduction in head count

sounds good huh?

what is that like every 5th person???

Death Call

well the death call is about to start ... our company wide conference call telling us all the shit that is going on ... how fun huh? over a telephone call everyone finds out their fate

Virtual No More

well everyday i find out more and more bad news ... i think i liked working for the company before we became corporate and decisions weren't made here anymore ... why was i such an idiot and spent all that money on college ... i should have started my own business and been done with all this shit ...

i just found out my little section of the company isn't going to do virtual hosting anymore ... just dedicated servers ... virtuals are going to some office where they pay unskilled people minimum wage ... just a big factory type atmosphere ... i would say 85% of my customers are on virtual servers ... and another group of them stay with us cause i am their account manager ...

tears are welling up at an incredable rate ...

What Day?

I have to record this cause it is just too funny ... Tracy is working on payroll today and not everyone has been good about clocking in and out in the new building because the log book is in an area that some of us never ever have to go to ...

i am now writing this with some hesitation ... cause i tried to relay how funny this was to both david and kris through an instant message but they just didn't see the humor ... anyway ...

So when people forgot to log in or out tracy has to ask them so here is how the question/answer period went:

Q: Were you here on Monday, June 4th

A: What day is that?

is that not fucking funny ... i was laughing so hard i was crying ... what more information could be given as to the day she was speaking of ...

Finally Giggly

Tracy is so funny ... she has me giddy now ... since the girl that does payroll got the ax tracy has to do it this week ... and she isn't happy about it ... so all her comments about how lazy people are with signing in and out [and i am one of those people but i am here all the time and work all the time that if i didn't automatically get paid for 40 hours a week i would have a huge problem.] ... so anyway ... she has me cracking up and laughing ... finally ... wasn't sure it would happen today ... :)

Still Cranky

not any better since getting here ... i want to be home ... in bed with my honey ... i want us to have one day a week off the same ... is that really all that much to ask ... one fucking day ...

and now i have to sit around here and listen to people talk about how great their weekends were ... ya know everyone in sales is supposed to answer stuff on weekends and yet i remain the only one ... why are some of them compensated for their work more than i am ... when i do more work????

Cranky

yea the imood is too much trouble ...

i don't do well on mondays anymore ... after working throughout the weekend by monday morning i don't want to see any more emails with questions or domains to setup or fucking anything ... what i really want is a day off and some money to do something ...

and i want a day to sleep in ... i should have saturday or sunday but if i want to do anything i gotta get up and do it before david takes the car to work ...

so i guess what i am saying is i have woken up cranky ... wishing i could sleep some more ... dreaming of a full day off from work ... hoping my day and my mood take an upward turn ...

Sunday, June 17, 2001

Sleep

nite nite

Me Day

Davie left work in time to stop at Starbucks ... woohoo ... that is the one reason i hate not having the car on the weekend cause i can't go to Starbucks ... so getting one late tonight ... rocks ...

i had kind of a beauty day today ... shower [2] ... deep hair conditioning ... a bunch of plucking ... some waxing and some shaving ... deep cleaning facial ... avacado mask ... a cucumber peel ... trimmed my nails ... gave myself a pedicure ... new toe nail polish ... some Burt's Bees Salve on all the rough spots ... and to top it all off ... raspberry lotion all over ...

i used to do a "me" day every sunday when david was working on the weekends ... then for like 3 months he was home and i didn't do it cause i spent the day with him ... and it is kind of an alone thing ... so today i went back to the ritual ... it feels nice ... great way to start the week ... :)

Thrill-a-Minute

i just spent about 5 hours doing work-work ... and i am sick of it ... i wanna do some fun stuff on the computer ... at least it is only 6 ... 3 hours till my favorite show is on ... so i have some time ... i think i will put some laundry in and then come play around on the computer ... woohooo i am just a thrill-a-minute ... :)

Fortune

I just got a fortune cookie and i just love it ... Check out my fortune cookie ... seeing as I have many on each and every toe makes it even better ... :)

Tavern on the Green

Ahhhh a lazy rainy sunday ... well not really lazy i have stuff to do ... just haven't gotten the motivation yet ...

right now I am watching Home Fries ... with Drew Barrymore ... man do i just adore her ... she is the grooviest ... she will definitely be on my chicksthatrule.com website ... once i get it up and running ... see there is a project to work on ...

i also need to work on bobdix.org ... my friend that does the most amazing drawings ... i just love his stuff so it is so fun to work on his site ...

but mostly i am worried about my Grandmother ... my parents were supposed to stay in the city last night as well ... but when i got to the hotel my aunt called ... my grandmother had been taken to the hospital and was in intensive care ... she had aparently been perscribed medicine that was making her sick ... she was having trouble breathing and her stomach was bleeding ...

so my parents and i went to Tavern On The Green for lunch and to have our own early Father's Day ... then we walked back to the hotel and they started to pack so they could just go on home ... which was probably a good thing cause it is totally storming today ... so they are doing laundry ... resting ... and tomorrow my dad is driving my mom out to North Carolia [so she has her car] and then he is flying back ... that way she can be there to take care of her mother when they let her out of the hospital ...

well i think i am going to eat a little something ... maybe take a shower and straighten up ... and then hang out and work on the computer ... there are a bunch of great movies on today so it will be easy to sit here and work and watch movies all day ...

Saturday, June 16, 2001

Quotes

Flash Gordon Quotes

City

going to the city for the day to see my parents ... :)

Friday, June 15, 2001

Quotes

Billy Madison Quotes

Hot

it is so fucking hot ...

Thursday, June 14, 2001

Ache With Happiness

now this is really why i opened a browser in the first place ...

i just adore david so much i can't believe it ...

i don't believe i have ever gotten giddy at the thought of another person ...

and with him ... when he is on my mind ... all i can do is smile ...

i have never wanted to get married ... really thought i never would ... and now that i have met david i have actually thought about it ... and i really want to ... it would probably freak him out because he has been married before and said he would never get married again ... but i wonder how serious he is about that ... you can't really ask a guy about it cause then they just freak ...

but for me ... it is a scary and exhilarating thought at the same time ...

scary because ever since i can remember i said i would never get married ... it just didn't suit me ... and i think most people saw it that way too ...

exhilarating because i never thought there would be anyone in my life that would make my body ache with happiness ... which he does ...

he called me tonight to see if i was still at Jillians ... cause he was on his way home and was going to pick me up ... i was so excited ... and i just burst into a smile when i saw him pull up out front ...

thinking about how much i love him ... makes my chest hurt ... and it is a great hurt ...

xxox

Out For Drinks

all of a sudden i have so much i want to write ...

tonight after work several of us went out for drinks ... we used to do it all the time ... when there were only like 10 of in the office ... for me it was probably the first time i have gone out after work in at least 9 months ... and it is the first time i have drank since January when i was at the porno show in Vegas for work ...

and i had a great time ...

with all this shutting down the office stuff ... it was great for a group of us to go out ... relax ... and laugh ... and boy did we laugh our asses off ... i really had a great great time ... and if i am one of the ones that gets transfered to the city instead of loosing my job ... i am thinking that will be pretty fun too ...

Wednesday, June 13, 2001

Sign Out

don't you hate when write a bunch of stuff and hit 'sign out' instead of 'post & publish'

it isn't even worth writing over again ...

nite

Here I Sit

So I gotta clean my house tonight ... i have known this for the last 2 days and still waiting till tonight to do it ... my parents are going from the Hamptons to the City tomorrow and along the way they are going to take me to lunch and come by our house to see where Davie and I are living ... and right now ... it is a mess and there is a ton of trash to take out ...

just a moment ago i remembered that David came home kinda early last Wednesday from work ... so i was thinking if i put all the crap away and had trashbags all ready ... i could get him to take everything out when he got home ... especially if i had done everything else ...

and yet i still sit here procrastinating ... even though i know if i got up [i was thinking jumped up but i have cramps right now like nobody's business so jumping is out of the question] ... so if i got up now and busted a move to get everything done ... i would be finished fairly soon and could relax the rest of the evening ...

and still ... here i sit ...

ok ... i am getting up now ... right now ... yes yes i am ... here i go ... ok ... NOW

Monday, June 11, 2001

Out To Lunch

I had a pretty groovy day today ... i am sure everyone expected me to come into work in a pissy mood cause of all the bullshit this weekend ... but i was in an awesome mood ... probably cause i got a little ... well a lot ... last night ...

my parents came by work today on their way out to the hamptons and took me out to lunch which rocked ... and they got to meet everyone i talk about all the time ...

work soared by ... i realized that in over a year of working there i never went out to lunch before so that was great ...

then i swung by the house and david and i went out for coffee ... sat out front of Starbucks and smoked cigs and talked ... went and got him a new sound card for his computer [which he has been messing with all night] ... and came home ...

now it is storming like a bitch out there ... so i am going to post this before the power goes out ...

Sunday, June 10, 2001

Others

you know what sucks ... having to depend on people to do stuff ...

i finally made a dent in getting my customer fixed ... but since i don't have access to the server i am stuck waiting for someone else to upload a page i made ... and for some reason no one can figure out how to do it ... i called the manager on call ... and she is going at it half-assed right now ...

sanj has said to me 'if only i had time to do everything ... there would be no problems' ... i TOTALLY agree with that statement ... if i had just called UUNet on my own yesterday morning ... i would have been able to get in touch with my clients and they could change the page ... but since it is the middle of the night there right now ... i am trying to help all i can ...

it can just be so frustrating ...

Stuff

well i have had a much better day today ...

i was up again at 4:30 and worked till 6 ... then went back to sleep till 9:30 ... got up ... went to the store ... stopped at starbucks and was home in time to get a few minutes with David before he was off to work ...

i was asleep with the phone in my hands last night ... and he came home so late and so tired ... i just wish there was something i could do for him ... i feel bad he is cooking ... cause even if they love him there ... it isn't what he wanted to do ... and i just want for him to be so happy ...

i told myself i would take a nap today so i could be awake when he came home ... but i am just not tired ... i should start some laundry ...

i feel like i got so much done today ... did lots of work ... put a shopping cart together for a client of mine ... read part of the paper ... hung out and talked to kris and tracy on the phone ...

maybe i'll start the laundry and then hang out and read the rest of the paper ... and give the computer a break for a bit ...

Saturday, June 9, 2001

Roxbury

cleaned the house ... wow that took long ...

i guess i could read my Russian Gypsy Fortune Telling Cards ... might help me sort out the stuff that is stressing me out ... that is probably a good idea ... it will get me away from the computer for a bit ...

and now that David found my stylus in the car I can record them in my Visor again ...

and A Night at the Roxbury just came on TV and I have never seent this yet ... Heather said it made her giggle ... that it was a fun movie ... so far it is making me smile ...

time to go hang out in the other room ...

Bored

I feel trapped in boredom with nothing to do ... i was working on making a necklace but it just wasn't stimulating enough for me ... then i was reading 'most recently updated blogs' and suddenly no more appeared ...

i could clean up some ... woohoo that sounds fun huh ... ?

i've already gone on a walk today so i fulfilled that idea ...

took a shower ... polished my nails ...

set everyone up that has requested a web site today ... like minutes after their email came in ...

responded to every customer that has written ... as best i could with some since no one at work is responding to me ...

humm i could work on my photo album web site ...

i should just clean for a while ... that might make me feel a bit better ...

Link

pop culture slut

Losers

how can no one write me back about my big customer ... not a single word at all ... why do i care so much if no one else does ... it makes everything so frustrating ... i have to get away from the computer ... just being down in this basement is making me feel horrible ...

Boyfriend

i feel like i am never going to see my boyfriend anymore ...

Broken

Bent, Broken, and Run Down...

TLC

today is such a weird day ... and i am needing some attention and TLC from somewhere ...

one of my huge huge huge customers paged me this morning at 4:30 ... it is now 2 o'clock in the afternoon and the only person that has called me is a hard working tech who doesn't have the power to get anything fixed but has continued to page and try to contact a manager who can handle the IP that is blocked by UUNet ...

I even saw someone that would be able to help sign online ... but didn't write me back and didn't message me ...

Friday, June 8, 2001

Sleep

i think maybe the best idea for me is to smoke this cig and then get in bed and watch the rest of 'You've Got Mail' ... sounds like a great plan ... there is so much going on at the same time that there is nothing going on ... its weird ... and it is quite tiring ...

i wish we had a big beautiful bathtub ... i would love to fill it up with hot water and lots of bubbles ... light a bunch of candles ... put my jell mask on my face and close my eyes ... and just escape ... the tension built up in my neck and back is close to unbearable ...

ok time for sleep ... for sure ...

Clicks

i am just in such a funky mood ... the 2 hour wait to get home really threw everything off

the day was actually pretty good ... there is a weird click forming at work ... and i am sure it has to do with feeling safe in this whole merging thing ... it is the people that work hard ... all the time ... and make sacrifices for their customers and for work ... go in on weekends ... work late at night ... and since the whole place is like the Twilight Zone ... everyone is making their own conclusions about what is happening to all of us ...

Big Egos

ya know what it is ... i just feel like bitching ...

maybe i want to feel appreciated ... lately i don't feel appreciated anywhere ... not at home ... not at work ... no where ... instead i get grief if everyone isn't getting everything the way they want it ... with no regard for what i want ... or for what i do for them ...

i am surrounded by high maintenence big ego people ... everyone thinking they are the only person on the planet and everything relates or has something to do with them ... all my customers are acting like that ... i fucking work like a dog ... the days i am gone from work and someone else has to take care of my email and customers they can't believe how much i do for them ... yet they still seem to yell when stuff i am doing out of the goodness of who i am isn't done fast enough ... does anyone have any idea how busy i am at work ... and how much i get done?

ya know what else ... this whole merging companies thing ... we have some stupid fucking people in our office ... and i don't see why good hard-working people are getting fired instead of teaching them how to do something different in the same company they are keeping the slacking idiots cause they are in a position that isn't being cut back as much ... shit even if you don't want to teach the great people something new ... still get rid of the ones that have no clue what is happening to them and hire new people ...

No Car

i am totally getting the short end of the stick ... but i wouldn't know how to say anything about it ... or what could really done ... i believe it is all a part of sacrifice ... and part of sharing my life with someone ...

but tonight i didn't like it ...

its fucking friday and i sat at Starbucks for 1 hour and 40 minutes waiting for a taxi so i could get home ... i didn't get home till 8 tonight ... 2 hours after i got off work ... and that just sucks ... sucks hard ... it is friday ... i want to get home at soon as i see the clock hit 6 PM and instead i just sat there waiting for a ride ...

since November I have been more than willing to take and pick up david whenever he needed ... but he was 15 minutes from the house ... now he is 40 minutes away and his schedule sucks when in comparison to mine ... so now i am out a car 5 days a week ... i mean do i have a right to be pissy about this? and if i want my car for the weekend i'll spend about 5 hours on the trips to the restaurant ... including going over there at 1 in the morning ... and i hate driving at night ... especially so far in an unfamiler area ... i can already tell i am going to wind up just giving him the car again and getting stuck here ...

Spoiled

David is getting spoiled at his new job ... ya know he has been a chef forever ... but got sooooo tired of cooking ... it gets draining after years and years ... so he became interested in computers ... and worked tech support for over a year ... but tech support can be rather thankless ...

well at his chef's job now they think he is amazing [which he is] and just coo and coddle him all day ... he already knows he is getting a primadonna attitude ...

its cute ...

Thursday, June 7, 2001

Change The Story

work is weird ... everything just feels funky ... people are being laid off ... who knows who is staying or going ... what is happening ... it is all quite confusing ... and hard to process ...

and i can't talk to david about it ...

david just doesn't like my boss cause when he was his boss he feels he got the short end of every stick ... i think he feels worse about it because it caused him to be out of a job ... and had to depend on me ... which didn't make him happy ... but see sanj saved me from depending on anyone else ... he hired me for the job i really wanted ... that no one would hire me for because i didn't have a college degree ... but he didn't care about that ... he knew i could do it and do a great job at it ... he also made sure he paid me enough to not have to depend on my parents any more ... and the company helped me move out here ... he did so much for me ... i am very thankful for him and indebted to him ...

besides to me ... he is the one that brought david and i together ... if he hadn't hired both of us ... we may have never met ... but david wants to change the story of how we met ...

Zone

i'm working in the twilight zone ...

Wednesday, June 6, 2001

Sleep

i am so tired now i must go to bed ... i need sleep ...

New Job?

the stress is kind of getting to me ... i could just as easily be out of a job as anyone else ... one thing is going for me ... i am an incredable working ... i work really hard ... i try really hard ... if i were to put out any more effort i would have to forgo more sleep ... my skills are amazing ... but when you are part of a company that went corporate and merges happen ... anything can happen ... there are no guarentees ...

now i know i could get another job easily ... i really can do anything ... i have been fabulous at every job i have ever had ... well except when i was a vegiterian and i worked in a smokehouse restaurant ... that i sucked at ... i didn't know what any of the dishes were ... but when it was my night to be a hostess i rocked ... :)

so i could go out there and find another job ...

but i love doing web hosting for adult sites ... i rock at it ... i am great at it ... i know my stuff ... and my customers love me ...

even if i am one of the people that stays with the company and moves to the city ... how different is my job going to be? we are moving into someone elses office ... we do things their way not our way ...

when my boss told the sales department he said 'don't analize it' ... but we weren't given enough information to do anything but analize it ... talk and wonder about it so much that we became anal about it ...

i wish all the answers weren't going to loom for so long ... just do what needs to be done and lets get started on this next phase of life ...

Tuesday, June 5, 2001

Cards

i am so tired ... and i am so tired of worrying about work ... why

ya know we moved into a beautiful new office not even 2 months ago ... i would have never expected leaving ...

shit i think i am going to go read my cards ... see what they say ...

On The Phone

sometimes my mom talks sooooooooo long on the phone i can't believe she can think of so much to say ...

A Day A Week

OK so today definitely wasn't as bad as yesterday ... i got a lot done ... doing so much last night really helped ... and the day was moving along ... when my boss said he wanted to meet with the sales department ... so we all go in the small conference room and he closed the door ... he wanted to let us know that tomorrow during the conference call they would be letting everyone know that they are going to merge the Long Island office and the office in the city ...

i was shocked ...

part of what i love about my job is that i am 5.5 miles from work ... that a huge deal ... commuting sucks the life out of you ... 4 hours a day 5 days a week ... that is 4 hours short of a full day a week lost on traveling to and from work ... A DAY ... A FULL DAY ... not to mention having to go to bed earlier and wake up earlier ... with that thrown in we are looking at loosing a full day a week to getting to and from work ... i don't know if i want to do that ... i don't know that a job is important enough to give up the freedom of living close to work ...

i watched my dad do it for 11 years ... he left the house at 5:20 every morning and drove to LA and got home around 7:30 every night ... 2 hours of driving a day ... and although i respect him to no end for doing that for the sake of his family ... it broke my heart to see how tired he was at the end of each day ... falling asleep in his chair as soon as he sat down ...

i just don't know if i want to make this sacrifice ... i mean i am 31 years old ... i hope to have a family at some point ... and i can't hold off 'some point' for too much longer ... the office we moved into 2 months ago has a day care center right underneath ... i thought how great is this ... i can visit my child during the day ... and still work ... everything was just looking so great ...

and now this ... this is a huge decision ... i just don't know what i want to do and what part of my life i want to give up ...

The City

well i found out today that our office is moving to the city

Hi Ho

hi ho hi ho its off to hell i go

Monday, June 4, 2001

Pig Tails

i am truly insane ... i just worked from 8 tonight until just now ... and it is almost 2:30 in the morning ... CRAZY i tell you ... but i went from 66 emails to 17 ... so at least tomorrow will be a bit easier ... although the stuff left behind is all really shitty stuff to do ... but at least it isn't a whole bunch of shitty stuff and i got to hang out and talk to davie while i worked ... sure does make it better ...

well now it is totally late and i will be a bit tired tomorrow ... although i think i am going to go for the pig-tails look so i don't have to do my hair ... and i can get some extra sleep ... well i am off to bed ... thank god

Are You June?

first of all it is so great to be home ...

secondly the people that live on the top floor of this house are idiots ... and quite annoying ...

the cable bill is in their name ... so each month Marilyn and I give them $22 ... which i am thinking they are ripping us off ... could regular cable with HBO really be $66 a month ... but regardless ... the woman is a bitch ... she will come down at 8 AM on a Sunday and keeping ringing the bell to get the money ... like they are paying the bill that moment ... i am not an idiot i know she is hard up for cash and figures it is the 1st of the money i'll get my money ...

so she finally pissed David off one morning ringing and ringing and ringing till he finally got up and got the door ... that he said ya know what we will just leave the money in an envelope in your mailbox on either the 1st or the 2nd of the month ...

so Saturday I put 1-$10 ... 1-$5 ... 5-$1 and 2 dollars in quarters ... and on the envelope I wrote "June Cable" ... all seemed pretty clear to me ...

tonight she came down and i made david answer the door ... cause the last time i spoke to her i was yelling cause it was like 7:45 AM on a saturday ... anyway ... david went up there and she asked for the cable money ... he told her we put it in the mailbox on saturday ... and she left ... 3 minutes later she was back and david answered the door again and she said there was no money in the box and we needed to pay her ... i could hear him all the way down here telling her it wasn't our problem that they didn't check their mail on a regular basis ... and we are not giving them more money ...

now we know that both of them are unemployeed with a kid ... and the landlord always bitches that every month their check bounces and he just wants to kick them out ... anyway ...

david was steamed and came into the room and said "if that doorbell rings again i am not getting the door" ... 2 seconds later the doorbell rings again ... so i get up and get the door ...

now i have lived here over a year and i open the door and she looks at me funny and says ... "ahhhhhhh what is your name? and this is how the conversation went ...

her: "ahhhhh what is your name?"

me: "liz"

her: "oh well we we got a payment from June but not from you"

me: "June ... what are you talking about"

her: "well today June put an envelope in the mailbox with money but we didn't get a payment from you on Saturday"

me: "are you talking about an envelope that said 'June Cable' with a ten, a five, 5 ones and 2 dollars in quarters?"

her: "i don't know what was in it my husband got it but he said it was from June and it came today"

me: "no that is from me I wrote 'June Cable' on the envelope"

her: "but i thought you said your name was Liz?"

me: "yes my name is Liz ... I wrote June cable cause it was letting you know the month I was giving you money for"

her: "but my husband said it was from June"

me: "no one named June lives in this house ... my name is Liz and your other neighbor is Marilyn ... there is no June, that is the month of the year we are currently in"

her: "oh so even though you aren't June that is your cable money?"

[i am sure at this point my mouth was hanging wide open]

me: "yea June is the month I am Liz and the money that was put in your mail box Saturday that you got today is the money for our part of the cable."

her: "well i told your boyfriend it is probably better if you don't leave the money in the mailbox"

me: "ahhhhhh ya think?"

i smiled and closed the door ...

oh my god i couldn't believe that conversation ...

when i told paul and marilyn tonight [the people right above me] ... i told marilyn "be careful she will probably come by tomorrow calling you June" and Paul said ... "that's when you say 'no she is June I am May!'" .......... :)