Train Wreck

it is another hit by a train kinda day ... i feel like my life is slipping out of my control and i don't like that ... at all ... i am stressing myself out and not completely without reason ...


i wish someone would lay everything on the line ... you know i am a fucking hard worker ... i deserve to be told the truth about everything that is going on ... and instead ... i get bits and pieces here ... like i am an insignifican cog in the whole scheme of things ...


you know what there was a time when i kept a journal and all my entries were happy ... and i was loving every moment of life ... and now it is often times hard to remember what it feels like to love life ... is every job in my life going to cause me to become this horrible bitter jaded person ...


don't get me wrong ... i adore having a job and i really get off on working hard ... i don't know how to function any other way ... and i am not one of those people like the ones in my office that say they work hard but you know half the time they are pulling their pud and are not only trying to convience you but also themselves that they are working hard ... i really honely and truly am ...


i have worked at my present job since April 15th 2000 ... in those 431 days there has only been one day ... one solitary day that i didn't check my work email at all ... i don't think there is anyone else that can say that ... there are people that come close for sure ... but that is how dedicated i become when i am working ... so i know i am giving more than 100% ...


and yet day after day i sit with people that make more money for doing less even the bare essential ... and it goes unnoticed and unrecognized ...


damn this is turning into one big bitch fest ... but i think i am doing it to keep myself from crying ... although it isn't working too well ... cause the tears keep coming ... i just feel so defeated ...


i need to find some joy in life ... why else live ... but at this point i hardly even know where to look ... maybe it is this apartment ... 431 days is a long time to live without windows ... i've heard people can become depressed living in the basement ... there is no fresh air ... no sunlight ... no breeze ... just a cave ... where the only way to tell what time it is is by looking at the clock ...


i think i need to stop writing ... i am making myself sick to my stomach again ... ya know the stress and disappointment with how my life is currently going is eating away at me bit by bit ... and i don't like it at all ... not one little bit ...