No More Thinking

lately i feel like the responsible one in every aspect of my life ... and i am getting kinda tired of it ... it is so physically draining ... and mentally exhausting ... i don't want to always be the responsible one ... sometimes i want to cut loose and have fun and not have to worry


... worry about paying rent and answering inquiries and paying bills and setting up customers and getting groceries and following up to see that work was done and doing laundry and helping others learn how to do thing at work and doing the dishes and appologizing to and recovering customers others were too lazy with and fullfilling the needs of those around me ... and ...


i want other people around me to willingly shoulder the responsibility of life ... i want to feel spoiled once in a while ... i want there to not be tears welling up inside me because of the burdens of life weighting down on me ...


sometimes i feel so powerless ... and overwhelmed ... is this what the rest of life has in store for me ... stress at work ... stress at home ... the incurable desire to be a perfectionist in anything that is a reflection of me ...


sometimes i just wish i could feel attention and gratitude and the pampering i give other people ... my customers have no idea the measures i go to for them ... no idea ... sometimes when i pick up a sign up i think ... "this person is so lucky i am the one that got their email ... they have no idea how lucky they are' ... cause they are ... i fucking work hard 24/7 ... and that is something i say with confidence and pride cause i do work hard ... really really hard ... but i guess lately i don't feel it back ...


and at home i am not feeling it back lately either ... i would love to come home one night to a night for me ... where i don't have to make any decisions ... where i get some attention ... i just haven't felt it ... ya know what would be great ... to come home to dinner ... shit if i were home all day and david were at work ... i would cook dinner ... something good ... something that would make him glad to be home and relaxed and happy ... i did it for eric all the time ... i was home from school and work long before he was home for work ... and i would cook dinner cause i knew how nice it was to come home and not have to think about it ...


instead every night it is ...

"david what would you like for dinner?"

"i don't know what would you like?"

"that wasn't my question ... I asked what you wanted for dinner?"

"whatever you want"


i want to not think about it ... i want a break from thinking for 1 hour ...


i want to do something other than listen to you type on your keyboard and get an occasional kiss when you get up for coffee or to go to the bathroom ...


i want to spend an evening with you ... something anything that i don't have to plan ... cajole ... and execute