I am slowly killing myself all sorts of ways ...

smoking

eating nothing healthy

stressing about fucking bats

am I helping enough people along the way

letting people at work get to me

contemplating where my life is going

wondering why marriage feels so important

will I ever have kids

do I want kids

am I getting too old to have healthy kids

will we ever not stress over money

will the bastards upstairs ever move

can I ever loose the weight I want to loose

can I stick with yoga

am I a good friend to the few I have

what could I do to make the world better

what could I do to make myself better


all of these things weigh on my mind ALL THE TIME ... sometimes I can't even hear people talking to me cause my mind is going over so many other things that I forget to listen ... when it is really quiet ... like if I don't turn on music when I lay down to sleep ... I can actually hear the buzz of myself thinking ... and it keeps me awake ...


just writing about all these stresses is making my heart beat incorrectly ...


funny thing is anyone who knows me thinks I am the most laid back ... easy going ... not a worry in the world person ...


but lately all I can wonder is ... what is my purpose???


PS ... I have ALWAYS had a problem believing in a higher power [i had my bat mitzvah for the party] so I am not speaking of my purpose for God ... but for myself