hummm ... how to start this entry ...


as a kid I suffered insane cramps ... and when I say insane I am talking about passing out at school the pain was so bad ... I also suffered from horrible headaches ... later I would learn they were migraines ... at 12 years old my doctor gave me Darvocet for my headaches ... and it totally worked ... when the school called my mom to tell her that I had passed out from cramps my doctor told her I should take the Darvocet for the cramps as well ... to this day it is the only thing that ever worked ...


it was years before I learned it was a narcotic ... and no one around me ever seemed concerned that I was taking it ... I was able to get refills any time I needed it because I was supposed to just keep taking them as long as their was either pain in my head or belly ... and I did ...


7th, 8th, 9th, 10th grades passed and I was still riding strong on my perscription... in 11th grade I learned they were also great when I was overly stressed and couldn't fall asleep ... so that added to its uses ... cramps or headaches or insomnia = Darvocet ...


when I went off to college it was still easy for me to refill my prescription ... no one even asked me why I was taking it ... I just had to go in and tell them I had a prescription for Darvocet and they would issue me 100 more ... and 100 more ... and 100 more ... but I was smart ... people were always trying to get me to sell them some and I wouldn't ... to me I NEEDED them ... I wasn't doing this for fun ... my body had to have them to function on most days and I wasn't about to loose out on that ... these were a prescription ... I didn't see them as recreational drugs ... but at this point I had been taking them steadily for 10 years ...


eventually it got to the point where headaches were a daily occurrence ... and it got to where it was harder and harder to sleep ... there is a time in my life where I don't remember going a single day without taking the pills ... it was a way of life ... soon 100 pills weren't even lasting 3 weeks ... if that ... 1 pill at a time wasn't enough ... I needed two ... or three ... and I needed those 2 or 3 - 4 or 5 or 6 times a day ...


when I was 26 ... I went to see a migraine specialist because I was becoming incapacitated by headaches ... 14 years of taking Darvocet and this was the first doctor to realize I had a problem ... first he told me I was now having the headaches all the time because my brain needed Darvocet to function ... my brain knew that if it started to hurt I would pop some pills ... secondly he told me I was an addict ...


I was tempted to get up and walk out ... what a load of shit that was ... I did plenty of drugs in my day and would just stop when I got tired of them ... the only thing I was addicted to were cigarettes ... besides these were prescribed by several doctors ... not just one ... but many throughout the years ...


but then I started to listen to what he was saying ... and it all started to make sense ... and I realized the first thing I checked for in my purse when I was leaving the house were those big red pills ... I had been taking them for so long I even had a funky case to carry them in ... and I had them stashed all around the house for easy access ... bathroom ... bedside table ... coffee table ... kitchen ... an emergency supply in a suitcase in case I was running low and hadn't gotten to the pharmacy ... another urgent emergency supply in one of those fake Aqua Net hair spray bottles incase I went through my emergency supply before getting to the doctor for a refill ...


I started to freak out in the doctors office ... he took my supply off of me right then ... crushed them up in front of me and washed them down the sink ... I started shaking with fear ... in my head I was going over all the places I had them in the house ... and I knew I was too weak to get rid of them myself ... I would keep the stashes for emergencies if it was left up to me ... so I made a list and gave it to my mom ... and told her she had to get rid of every single one of them for me ...


I had to listen to a lecture by the doctor on detox ... I couldn't believe this was happening ... I couldn't believe I was loosing my best friend in the whole fucking world ...


unlike other addicts that were detoxing I was given a syringe ... my new migraine medicine I had to take by shooting myself up ... something I had never done ... I thought how fucking strange is this ... they are taking away my pills but giving me a needle ... I had a habit no one would notice and now they were giving me something that would leave evidence ...


in the back of my head I thought it would still be no big deal ... I mean it was just some prescription I wasn't going to take anymore ... whatever ... I was so fucking wrong it was scary ... I went to work in the morning even though the doctor told me not to ... I thought he was crazy thinking I was an addict ...


it wasn't even noon and I was sweating like a banshee and my head was screaming for pills ... I was scratching my arms up and shaking ... all while trying not to draw attention to myself ... well I think a whistle went off when I was crouched under my desk ... crying ... scratching ... sweating ... rocking back and forth ... and on the phone to my doctor begging for just one more pill ... I just needed one to get rid of my headache and then I would be fine ...


he kept trying to tell me this was just the drugs exiting my system and I kept telling him he didn't understand ...


my boss had to call my mom to come pick me up ... it was so embarrassing ... but what was worse is I just had to throw up before I got out the front door ... with all the drugs I have tried in my life I never felt as out of control as I did those two days ... after leaving work everything is kind of a haze ... I remember being so hot I thought I was frying ... to so cold I was yelling at my mom to close the fucking windows ... I remember trying to figure out a way to split my skull so I could just remove my brain ... I remember trying to figure out if I had kept one stash a secret ... I remember wanting to die ...


but the doctor was right ... after day 3 I was much better ... the desire was still there but I wasn't sick anymore and I was able to start using the new medicine ... which was non addictive ... and I learned to use a needle on myself pretty well ...


I started writing all this cause for 7 years ... once a month ... when cramps set in ... I dream of having a Darvocet ... it takes all my will power to resist ... the urge hasn't left my mind or body at all ... all day yesterday and today I kept wishing I just had one ...


but I think if someone offered me one I would still say no ... cause I don't ever ever ever want to go through not having them again ...