A Bit Depressed

I am a bit down and out ... mostly because of RnT ... I don't know if anyone can truly imagine the amount of work and sacrifice it takes to do something like that ... if it had showed some sort of promise I would keep putting in more than I have to keep it going ...

but it doesn't ...

it shows zero promise ...

every month ticket sales have gone down from the previous month ...

I haven't even made a dent in the number of tickets I need to sell to cover the cost of the club ... on top of that is paying employees and buying food and all that stuff ... and this is how it was in May ... which caused me to cancel the May event and then just pull the events for June, July and August ... now September is looking just as dismal ...

And I didn't stop working after the May event was cancelled ... I have worked on this all freaking summer long without a break ... there is always something to be done for RnT ... always ...

So why do I feel guilty that I don't want to do it anymore???????????????

I feel terrible guilt ...

But I can't imagine putting this much into anything and getting nothing back ...

I wanted to do something that I enjoyed and got something out of ... and that could have been financial or emotional ... but I haven't gotten either from this ...

I feel like the only things it has given me is a strain on my family life ... a fractured friendship ... and what feels like a million lost hours ...

I didn't need to prove to myself that I could do this ... I knew that I could ...

But there just isn't enough left in me to give to something that isn't succeeding and just taking away ...

I am just sitting here sobbing at writing this ... there is still tons in me to get out and I just can't ... I am drained ... and sad ... and pissed off ... and hurt ... upset ... disappointed ...