I am trying to hard right now to be happy ... I have so many things to be happy about ... but it just isn't happening ...


I am sad ... pissed off and somewhat depressed ...


in a month it will be 1 year since I have worked ... since I was 14 years old I haven't gone this long without a job ... and I have applied to soooooooooo many ... shit there were a lot of times in my life that I had more than one job ... often I have worked at least 2 jobs ... there is a year and a half I can remember that I worked 3 jobs ... and now I can't even find one ...


and living with my parents isn't helping ... my mom's big suggestion now is to go to the Marriott and apply to work with seniors planning bingo games and taking them to the mall and shit ... I know she means well but first of all it is hard to take career advice from someone who hasn't worked outside the home in 35 years ... I realize being a mom and wife is a hard fucking job ... but it isn't like working for a corporation ... so her telling me what I should say and how and where to apply just pisses me off ... and taking seniors shopping ... come on ... I don't even like going to the mall alone ... and shit I know how to use every computer program ... doesn't the idea of me working in an office and using some of my talent dawn on her ...


I am just so frustrated ... and sad ...


I feel like I don't even know what I want to do ... that every 2 years I have to reinvent myself ... ya know I had a great paying job that I loved and it all went to hell ... and it was in an industry that is just gone ... I mean what the fuck ... I like working ... I love having a job ... and I am a hard worker ... I always put in 150% ... and it is like I can't get a job to save my life ... and I have no idea what I want to do ... when it comes down to it I think the most important things is I want a job that I don't dread going to ...


I think if I keep writing I will start to cry ... and right now I am not in the mood to cry ...