I am in pure hell ... I cried on the way home from my interview this morning ... the second the manager said the job was 100% commission my eye started twitching something terrible ... enough for the manager to take a double take at my face and ask me if I was alright ... I can't work on 100% commission ... I need to know how much money is coming in each week ...


I drove home feeling like such a worthless looser ... the idea that a truck would swerve into my lane crashing into me head on sounded nice ... I really didn't think I could feel any worse ... but oh how wrong I could be ...


when I got home my mom said "so did you get the job?" ... I told her their interview process is a 4-part process ... 1)interview with the manager of the store where you will work ... 2) interview with a manager of one of their other stores ... 3) spend an hour in the store learning how they do things and greeting customers ... 4) interview with the regional manager ... I didn't even tell her that it was all commission ... she said "well that seems crazy for a retail job ... and the problem is you need a job right now" ... the she started saying how it is crazy that I am not working ... and that now there is this condo that they can't rent and David and I can't afford to move into ... then she stomped off with a big huff and a bigger puff ...


ya know she is the one that kept saying "don't get a job till your unemployment runs out" ... she also was the one that bought the fucking condo ... both David and I said more than 5 times ... "don't buy the condo ... we don't have jobs right now ... we don't know where we will be working and we don't have the money to do it" ... but that didn't matter ... she wanted THAT condo ... and went ahead and did it ... took all my wedding money and bought it ... why did she even ask us if she wasn't going to listen to what we said ...


she came down here later with some mortgage papers I needed to sign ... 2 sets of them ... I picked up a black pen as she was watching me ... she pointed to where I needed to sign and then said ... "why did you use black you should have used blue ... now it looks like it was faxed" ... I said "would you like for me to use blue for the rest of them" and she said ... "nooooo just sign them" ... when I finished that set she said ... that doesn't look like you wrote Elisabeth ... it looks like just an E ... I said it was and that is always how I signed my name ... she said "you should have written Elisabeth" ... so when she handed me the next set I wrote "Elisabeth" and she said ... "what are you doing ... now they look different" ... I mean give me a fucking break ... when I finished she grabbed everything and as she stormed up the stairs she said ... "you know they probably aren't going to give us the loan 'cause you have no income" ...


she told me this morning I should apply to some fucking temp agency she saw in the paper ... so after that ordeal with the mortgage papers I fucking called this temp agency and set up an appointment for 3:00 today ... she came down soon after all ready to go out ... I said "do you know what time you will be home?" and she said "what does it matter?" and I said "well I have an appointment with that temp agency at 3 and Monika [the woman that cleans her house] is here and she will be leaving at 3:30 ... my mom sounded so put out as she said ... "fine I will just have to be back by 2:30 then" ... I said "ya know what ... don't bother ... I will have David stay here and he can pay Monika" ... I mean come on ... is there no way for me to win ...


she then said ... "ya know you should just be going over to the mall and fill out applications in every store there" ... I wanted to scream "FUCK OFF ... I am 32 years old ... I have a house to pay for ... I want to have a baby ... and I would like to eat once in a while ... I am not going to apply at the mall like I did when I was fucking 15 years old" ... but instead I nicely said "well I was hoping to make more than $7.50 an hour ... I'll see what the temp agency has to offer" ...


on a day when I was feeling less than great ... she made it so much worse ... I mean come on she is my mom ... I thought unconditional love was supposed to be there ... instead it was David that tried to make me feel better ...


god I need to get out of this house ...