Fair warning ... this will be a long post ... I have been thinking about it for 2 days now ... but all of it leads up to the link at the bottom ...


In March of 1995 I met Eric ... the beginning of our relationship I really had on-again/off-again feelings ... but eventually they remained on ... in March of 1996 we moved into an apartment together ... it was the first time I had lived with someone and I was quite excited ... I had always wanted that kind of relationship ... [this may have been my first mistake ... maybe he and I weren't destined for a relationship like that] ... but we moved into a great apartment and things were petty good ... not super-fantastic but good ...


then in early 1997 Eric had his high school reunion ... his best friend [who he went to high school with] and his wife and daughter were going as well ... Paula [best friends wife] and I decided it wouldn't be fun for us going to the reunion and too expensive so she, her daughter and I spent the evening at Universal City Walk while the boys went to the reunion ... we all spent the night up there and the next morning at the hotel we stayed at there was a bridal fair ... I was really trying to find a job with a wedding planner so I talked Eric into going with me so I could hand out my resume and shit ... we were sitting there during the fashion show portion of the afternoon and started talking ...


it was this conversation when I learned Eric and I would be breaking up ... this conversation is engraved in my mind ... it is like it happened 5 minutes ago ...


he said his mother had spoken to her shrink about the fact that I wasn't thin ... that in fact I really could loose some weight cause some would see me as fat ... I asked him why his mother would even fucking care and if she did what business was it of hers to talk about it with her shrink and furthermore why did he feel the need to relay this whole thing to me ... he said that his mom told him the reason he was dating someone who was overweight was because he had a fear of being abandoned and that because I wasn't skinny I would never leave him ... that I would hang onto him because of my weight so he had no fear of me leaving ... that it would be too hard for me to find someone else ...


I said 'fuck you' loud enough for people to turn around and see what was going on ... I got up and walked out with Eric in tow ... when we were out of the conference area I looked at him and said ... do you really think that is why I stay with you ... cause I think because I may not have a perfect body that I couldn't find someone else ... that is bullshit ... I don't have a problem dating ... in fact every person I have truly fell for I have dated because I am a beautiful wonderful person ... so fuck you if you think I stay with you cause I think I couldn't find someone else ...


the hour drive home was in silence ... once we were in the house Eric said ... Liz I am sorry ... it really wasn't my mom's business and even if she felt it was and shared that information with me there was no reason for me to share it with you ... I accepted his apology but told him ... you know once something is said it is impossible to take it back ...


I knew then we wouldn't last ... in June of 1997 we moved into a condo ... I am not sure why ... we were more like roommates than lovers ... the night we moved in I was in the kitchen unpacking stuff and Eric came in ... we stood there looking at each other and both said ... we should have never signed the lease on this place ...


we got along ... we didn't fight ... and about once every 3 months we had sex ... neither of us were happy ... but it wasn't to the point where we were unhappy ... right before the holidays we talked about breaking up but both our families had all these plans together and we just figured we would see what happened after the holidays ... by February 1998 we were both unhappy and while having dinner on his birthday we decided it was time to break up ... when our lease was up in June we would go our separate ways ...


by march I was so miserable ... I had gained weight ... before I was the size of a normal woman ... not skinny but most smart people wouldn't have called me fat either ... now I was fat by everyone's standards ... so on my birthday I moved into our second bedroom ... I just couldn't wait to get out ... in April our landlords informed us they were putting the condo up for sale and we could stay there till they sold it without a lease ... so I took the opportunity to leave for 4 months ... Eric had a good job now and agreed to let me leave all my stuff in the condo ... I loaded up my car and drove to North Carolina ... I had gone there twice before to hang out ... do yoga ... and loose weight ... which I did ... I knew when I pulled out of the driveway Eric and I were broken up ... I reached New Mexico that first night ... cried myself to sleep ... and never cried about it again ... I felt liberated ... and free ... I couldn't have been happier ...


once I got back to California ... to what I now saw as Eric's condo ... I just couldn't wait to get out ... I got my old job back with a raise ... started saving my money ... and couldn't wait to look for a place to live ... he and I got along just fine ... but it was so over ... I was asked out on a date by a wonderfully nice guy and I sat down and talked to Eric about it ... he seemed not to mind ... he knew we were moving on ... so I went out ... and had a marvelous time ... but when I got home I could see Eric was upset and unhappy ... I learned it wasn't the date that made him feel that way ... it was that while I was out he went into my room, got my journal [which was handwritten at the time and not online] and read the whole thing ... all about my 4 months of freedom [dated a couple of guys] ... and my feelings of joy and happiness ... everything ... he said the journal was erotic and exciting and at the same time made him throw up a couple of times ...


I felt so violated ... we finally had a knock out fight [not really hitting each other] ... but we were screaming at each other ... and the sight of him made me sick ... I was so mad at myself for sticking around so long ... that I had waisted so much time ...


I found a place and 1 week later on October 1st I moved out ... he actually apologized ... and we helped each other move ... but that I was ... I had no desire to be intimate with him again ... I could be his friend if he needed ... but that was it ...


within a month ... he like every man I had ever dated ... wanted me back ... they saw what was out there ... and knew there wasn't someone that was going to treat them as well as I had ... I told him back in February that he needed to make sure he wanted to break up instead of working on what we had because I don't get back together with someone ... I tried it once and I swear it is like Pet Cemetery ... sure the cat comes back but he sure is fucked up ...


Eric kept telling me he missed me ... and that maybe I had been the person he should be with ... and asked if we could have sex ... but I was done ... I was happy again ... and comfortable with myself and my home ... it wasn't so stark and cold anymore ... eventually he figured we could only be friends ... and it was good hanging out as friends ... that seemed to be the most we were during our relationship ...


after all this I was pretty sick of men for a while ... well not men ... a girl still needs to have fun ... but a relationship I didn't need ... I just lost myself in them ... I seemed to pick people who tried to change who I am ... and they would make me into someone they eventually didn't like [i was stupid to change anything about myself] ... and once we broke up I became myself again and now I was the person they were originally attracted to so they wanted to get back together ...


in April 1999 I moved to Las Vegas ... Eric had already found a new girlfriend ... who I became friends with through email ... they became pretty serious pretty fast ... I met her once and saw Eric one last time in June of 2000 I had moved to New York in April of 2000 and in June went to California for a friends wedding ... so while I was there I went to dinner with Eric and Erin ... they looked so happy together and that was just great ... I had no regrets or romantic feelings for him anymore ...


I write all this cause after almost 4 years of shit ... I just didn't feel like putting it all on the line again ... I was always great alone ... I love having my own apartment ... I always know how to keep myself busy ... once in a while I did have the thoughts that life would be a little more fun with someone else ... but it just wasn't that important anymore ...


then one day in September 2000 a new tech walked into work ... my knees actually buckled when I saw him the first time ... I immediately walked to Tracy's desk and said ... 'that new guy ... that is who I am destined to be with' ... she laughed and said ... how could you know that ... I said I just know ...


the following is a journal I kept secret ... I couldn't risk anyone from work reading it since David and I worked together ... but it journals the first two months of getting to know David ... when I say "him" in the journal I am referring to David ... I was just being careful in case someone at work ran across it ... I have never shared this journal before but I have just fallen in such love with him and I ran across it the other day and when I read it I was happy all over again ... so I wanted to share my first thoughts about my hero ...