Win a War

How to Really Win a War!!


Take all American women who are within five years of

menopause - train us for a few weeks, outfit us with automatic weapons,

grenades, gas masks, moisturizer with SPF15, Prozac, hormones, chocolate,

and canned tuna - drop us (parachuted, preferably) across the landscape of

Afghanistan, and let us do what comes naturally.


Think about it. Our anger quotient alone, even when

doing standard stuff like grocery shopping and paying bills, is

formidable enough to make even armed men in turbans tremble.


We've had our children, we would gladly suffer or

die to protect them and their future. We'd like to get away

from our husbands, if they haven't left already. And for those

of us who are single, the prospect of finding a good man with whom to share

life is about as likely as being struck by lightning. We have nothing to

lose.


We've survived the water diet, the protein diet, the carbohydrate diet,

and the grapefruit diet in gyms and saunas across America and never

lost a pound. We can easily survive months in the hostile terrain

of Afghanistan with no food at all!


We've spent years tracking down our husbands or

lovers in bars, hardware stores, or sporting events...

finding bin Laden in some cave will be no problem.


Uniting all the warring tribes of Afghanistan in a

new government? Oh,please ... we've planned the seating arrangements for

in-laws and extended families at Thanksgiving dinners for years ...

we understand tribal warfare.


Between us, we've divorced enough husbands to know

every trick there is for how they hide, launder, or cover up

bank accounts and money sources. We know how to find that money and we know

how to seize it ... with or without the government's help!


Let us go and fight. The Taliban hates women.

Imagine their terror as we crawl like ants with hot-flashes

over their godforsaken terrain.


I'm going to write my Congresswoman. You should,

too!