i'm kind of bummed out ... something about being in a relationship with me ... the men tend to stop wanting sex ...

the last time we had sex i know was sometime between 2 and 3 weeks ago ... this week we have messed around twice ... i gave a hand job and a blow job ... but i didn't get anything myself ... it is making me start to cry ... i mean what the fuck is this ...


and i totally hate to admit this ... but my life is starting to feel like it did when i loathed every part of it ... 90 to 95% of the time i do the dishes ... clean the house ... cook dinner ... do the grocery shopping ... and give sexually ...


what am i getting in return?


i realize he is bummed out about not working ... but when he does get a job ... can i really expect him to work all day and come home and do work around the house? no he will be tired and if i was home all day why didn't i do the stuff ...


i do love doing these things ... but not because i have to or because he won't help ... and the only way i do get help is if i get mad and we get in a fight ... i am not saying i never get help ... but the times are few and far between ... kind of like sex lately ...


and tonight he said something that really crushed me ... he said he would have been better off if he never worked at NSI ... we met at NSI ... and he really wishes he could erase the choice of taking that job ... that is just making me cry ... to me even though the job became shitty i think if anything it is where i met David ... so any hell i went through is totally worth it ... but not to him ... that really does break my heart ...


maybe this is the shit that is keeping me up at night ... the reason i can't sleep anymore ...