What Is It?

this isn't going to be a very happy entry for christmas eve ... but i gotta get it out so i stop crying ...


i got a christmas card today from my ex ... he and his girlfriend erin got engaged on thanksgiving ...


i feel like i am in the scene from 'when harry met sally' ... where she finds out her ex got engaged ... and she is crying and says ... 'i always thought that he just didn't want to get married ... the truth is he didn't want to marry me' ... that is the truth of my life ...


everyone i have ever dated has said 'i don't want to ever get married' ... but they were fucking spineless shitheads ... they were leaving off the end of the sentence ... what they ment to say was ... 'i don't want to ever get married TO YOU' ...


i grew up in a home where my parents really loved each other ... next month will be my parents 35th wedding anniversary ... that is something i will never have ... it makes my heart hurt ...


what the fuck is it about me ... i am faithful to a flaw ... not jelous ... very trusting ... very giving ...


shit ever since i got their christmas card i have been tearing up ... and i am sick to my stomach ... eric fucking used me ... ripped apart my being by the end ... left me and he is the one that is moving on with the life i had wanted ... it isn't fucking fair ... every one of my ex's has now been married ... well except brian that i know of ... last time we saw each other he was in love and said he wanted to marry the woman he was seeing but i haven't spoken to him in years now ... he started traveling with her and we lost touch ...


my heart just hurts ... i don't even want to think about it anymore