sometimes I am not sure what my purpose for living is ... there are days where it feels like no one likes me the way I am and would like to change everything about me ... from what I look like ... to what I want to do for a living ... to how I dress ... to what I eat ... to what things interest me ... it is hard to deal with ...


today my parents were our running around and so was David ... I asked everyone to get me strawberries ... and no one brought them home for me ... and all of them went to a food store of some sort tonight ... ya know any fucking time someone asks me to get them something I do ... my mom asks for the paper or breadsticks or dessert ... David asks for coffee or food for breakfast or coffee and I get it ... and when I ask for something ... no one seems to remember to get it ... I don't think any of them realize how upset it made me ...


to night I went upstairs to say goodnight to my mom ... only to have her complain about me ... ya know last weekend they were mad at me cause David and I go out to eat on the weekend ... she said it isn't good for my diet and we should be saving money ... so this weekend we made dinner at home all weekend ... ya know David cooks for a living so he gets pretty fucking sick of cooking ... yet this weekend he cooked ... did my parents notice it at all ... fuck no they didn't ... instead my mom complained at how messy I am ... that I collect shit ... that I am a pack rat and that my apartment is always a mess ... she went further to say that they wanted to get us a big condo but decided I was too messy to have a big place ... then she went even further to say how great my brother's place is and that he and his wife don't collect shit and their place always looks nice ...


ya know if it weren't for me my brother and my parents wouldn't even be talking ... yet she uses them as a shinning example of how to live ... I think their condo is somewhat cold and unfriendly ... and lacks personality ... it isn't who I am at all ... but no one fucking cares who I am ... everyone just wants me to be someone else ... don't they see how much that hurts ...


sometimes I wish I could just disappear ... start over ... be who I want to be without anyone saying otherwise ... and that just can't happen ... I can't stop crying now ... and my body just aches ... I really feel like nothing I do is good enough for anyone ...


I noticed today that I have stopped eating ... I eat dinner ... and that is it ... I didn't eat one single thing today ... the only thing that went into my mouth was coffee and water all day ... except when everyone is around and I should be eating ... when I felt like I had control over my life I was bulimic ... i could easily swallow a package of 40 ex-lax in a day ... without a second thought ... it wasn't till i was hospitalized for the 3rd time that i realized i had a problem ... 10 years this went on ... i had to teach my body how to work all over again ... it has now been 9 years since i have taken a laxative ... and i feel like i have lost control of my life ... that the only thing i can control is what i eat ... or don't eat ... even though i know how bad it is i see myself stepping closer and closer to that ... i am 32 years old and everyone around me is telling me what to do ... and who to be ... and who i am ... it isn't something i like in the least ...


i guess the only time i seem to write anymore is when i am unhappy ... this blog should really be called "lizzies shitty life"