Stepford Worker

OK I sooooo need to go to bed ... but once again ... i am feeling kinda sick to my stomach cause i don't wanna go to work tomorrow ...


today i slept on the train from the second i sat down ... and it was like instinct to feel sick the second the train pulled into Penn ... i mean my eyes were closed and i knew i was there ...


I would say the only good thing about work is Tracy ... and today she got another job offer ... and as soon as it is final ... that is it ... i am stuck in that hell hole alone ... i gotta find something before she gives notice ... otherwise i look like a fucking looser pushover that couldn't get another job so i am stuck there ... and to management that means you can be pushed around ...


i am like a stepford worker ... i feel like a drone there ... i can't even smile any more ... it is painfully obvious that i don't want to be there ... which can't help my position ...


it is too bad i wasn't able to quit the moment they insulted me with my raise ... i didn't even get half of what i asked for and today they gave a guy double that ... we had to go through and put all our names on our accounts ... i have more than any other sales person there ... more than 1/3 more than the next higher person ... and still i am paid less than everyone else ...


what is it that makes me easily fuckable in work situations ... fuck fuck fuck


i don't want to go there anymore ... it is ripping every part of self esteem i have ...


i am glad david is asleep cause i am bawling now ... and he hates to see me like this about work ... since he hates them enough already ...


the little bit i slept last night was filled with nightmares ... i haven't had bad dreams since i was a kid ...


and now tracy is leaving ... and i am going to be stuck in hell ... pure fucking hell ...


man i pay way too much for a shithole of a house ... david is depressed about not working and i am wallowing in depression about where i have to work ... and to top it off kramer is really sick ... david had to take him to the vet today and he has a virus ... the poor thing lost so much weight ... and keeps throwing up ... he feels so tiny when he is sitting in my lap ... i can feel every bone in his body ...


i know that we have to have bad in order to appreciate the good ... but where is the good ... david and i are good people ... i want just a little for us ... i want him to be happy ... and to feel good about himself ... i want us to be able to have a stress free day where we can truly enjoy each others company ...


well i guess i should lay down and dread the morning for a while ... starting to get used to the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach ... :(