I hate writing when I am tearing up but it seems to be the best time to write ... just get it all out ...

when I say I do my best each day to make people feel good about themselves ... or to help people in need ... to smile at strangers ... or to be here to listen ... I am totally serious ... I will say it comes a bit naturally to me for I have been like that since I was a child ... but at the same time I work hard at it ...

so when out of the blue I find out someone hates their lot in life due in most part to me I am crushed ... it doesn't matter that it isn't someone I am close with or someone I don't think is a good person ... it hurts ...

all day I fought off tears at work ... to see someone go out of their way to make me feel bad when I have been nothing but kind and generous floors me ... and that is what I am dealing with ...


right now I have those questions about karma ... it is something I believe in quite strongly until a day like today ...

when I broke my leg I encountered so many cold people ... people that would actually watch me struggle to do simple things without lifting a finger to help me ... I actually had a Salvation Army collector ringing her bell in front of the supermarket watch me struggle and stumble and catch myself while getting a shopping cart and then say "damn that can't be easy" ... [no it isn't fucking easy and you could have taken a moment to make my life a hell of a lot easier] ... that same day I witnessed a grocery stocker watch me hop on one leg, grab some coffee, hop back to my cart put it in, hop back to the shelf grab more coffee, hop back to my cart ... I did this because 1) she left her dolly in front of the coffee I was reaching for and 2) because she just stepped back and didn't offer to help or move her dolly ... then she said "wow that has got to be hard" ... do these people have brains ...


I learned a lot from that broken leg ... I have since seen people in the same situation and offered to grocery shop with them ... they use their crutches and we walk down the isle together ... I mean I am there anyway right ... why not have some company and ease someone's burden a bit ...


I mean only giving good I should only get good back right? I know I need to smell shit so that a whiff of roses smells sweet ... and I realize I have it soooooooo good ... I mean sooooooo good ... I may bitch about stuff in my life but I could never curse the life I have had ... but why are there people out there that deliberately do things to hurt others ...


work was so amazingly uncomfortable today ... a woman there went out of her way to slight me ... to make me look bad ... and to make me feel bad ... all in a matter of hours ... could that energy be spent on better things? ... isn't doing shit to other people a waste of your own life? what would be the point?


I have worked hard my whole life ... I was never very good in school ... and to be honest I only passed classes cause my teachers liked me ... it almost rarely was a reflection of my true grade in the class ... so I took work seriously ... and always gave it my all ... so it is a place I don't want to feel uncomfortable ... and tonight I am already not looking forward to being there tomorrow ... to know my presence makes someone miserable ... and to know that her misery brings down the whole office ... it is a shitty circle that we spun around in all day ...


I do feel a bit better purging myself of the stuff that has been going on in my head all day ... but that also means I need to get back to work packing up my shit ... moving day is Friday ya know ... not much time left ... :)