Bawling

this was written last night but blogger was down for maintenance:


I am sitting here watching Cheers getting ready to go to bed ... and a commercial came on about St. Judes Children's Hospital ... for children with Leukemia and just started bawling like a baby ... when i was in second grade ... i was either 7 or 8 years old i had a friend named Tammy Bicklemeyer ... she had Leukemia and was in and out of the hospital a lot in second grade ... whenever she was home and wasn't feeling too sick we would play ... she always came to my house because her house was usually too sad for her ... she went through lots of sugeries that year ... and a lot of kids had trouble playing with her at times but it never bothered me ... i loved her ... i would make big huge cards and get everyone in our class to sign it when she would go to the hospital ... i would have my mom or my girl scout leader take photos and cards to her in the hospital cause i was too young to go ... i had my girl scout troupe make projects that we could send to the hospital ... all that year we tried to have a sleep over ... but her parents would never let her ... she was just too sick ...


she died in the middle of the school year ... i was devistated ... i think i was out of school for almost a week ... i hadn't known anyone who had died and for it to be someone my own age who i loved so dearly just ripped me apart ... i had terrible dreams and couldn't stop crying ... i didn't go to the funeral ... my parents thought it would be too painful and they are probably right ... a couple of days after i rode my bike by her house and all of her stuffed animals were out on the curb ... her parents were getting rid of everything of hers ... i grabbed a little teddy bear that i knew she loved and made a heart out of styrofoam and cut out hearts from napkins and glued them on with glitter and my mom took my friend Ashley and i over to her grave where i left the heart and the bear ...


to this day ... 24 years later ... i cry every time i see the comercial for Leukemia ... it is like i never got over it ...


i know her family didn't ... a couple of weeks after her death ... her little brother found their dad in the garage ... he had hung himself ... everyone was just too devistated by all that happened ...


i think i need to go to bed before i spend the evening crying ...


written at 1:13 am