wow i knew it had been a while since i wrote anything but i didn't realize it had been an entire week ... time sure does fly when you are in hell ...
well i am not exactly in hell ... but i sure do feel like i am on the bus to hell ... yesterday was a completely terrible day ... in fact i can't say any of the days since last Sunday were particularly great ... most days at work were better ... and there is something quite wrong when work is a better place to be than at home ...
david is miserable about not working ... and i am the one he is taking it out on ... fucking A ... explain that one to me ... yesterday it finally came to blows ... well really harsh words ... i woke up feeling pretty good to find Mr. Boo-Hoo at his computer already in bitch mode ... so to try and bring a little cheer to his life [and i was thinking consequently mine] i suggested we go out to eat ... we did and it looked like i could break through the dark clouds and save the day of complete misery but i was totally wrong ...
after lunch we stopped at Staples to get some envelopes for his resume campaign i persuaded him to launch and then i wanted to stop at Home Depot ... I wanted to find this silver paint i had seen on the tv show Trading Spaces and I wanted to get some resin for my magnets ... i wanted to sit outside and enjoy the day and work on my project ... the plan was to see Legally Blonde but that idea was nixed right away ... there are 2 things i have been talking about all week ... legally blonde and the silver paint ...
so anyway upon walking out of Staples i went in the direction of Home Depot ... it is fucking right next door ... in other words we are already fucking there ... and david snapped 'what are you doing' ... 'going to Home Depot' ... 'what do you fucking need there?' [did the light go off for you there ... i realized i may talk at home but it is like the question of the falling tree in the forest ... if no one is there to hear it does it make noise ... if he isn't listening to me am i really saying the words?"] ... so he gripes 'i am going to the car' i know the look on my face was one of dejections ... i slumped my shoulders to head for the car only to hear ... 'fine we'll fucking go to Home Depot' ... would anyone in their right mind think i want to go now ... fuck that i am not going to drag someone around on grumpy day ...
we left ... stopped at Starbucks ... he asked me what was wrong while waiting in the drive through ... was he kidding ... he pulled a hissy fit and doesn't know what is wrong ... we did the things he needed but mine mean nothing and he doesn't understand why i won't look at him ... well i didn't even answer ... i wasn't in the mood to talk ... and so we didn't ... not until late that night ... we said nothing to each other ...
at around 9 David got up to get cigs and asked if when he got back i would show him how to set up the mail merge database on word so he could work on his resumes ... i said sure ... and while he was gone i figured i would refresh myself with how to do it ... the last time i looked for a job was in 1996 ... so i sat down at his computer and started messing around in word ... the program had changed since the last time i used it for this function but right as i figured out everything that needed to be done i heard behind me 'you aren't even fucking going to show me how to do it you are just going to do it yourself?" ... i hadn't even heard him come in let alone sneak right up behind me ...
that was it ... i lost it and started screaming ... "what the fuck is your problem ... i was figuring out how to fucking do it so i could show you ... the program has changed since the last time i fucking used it and i thought it would be a good fucking idea to refresh my memory before i showed you how the fuck to use it"
he stormed out of the room ... and i followed ... he started screaming that he just couldn't talk to me right now or look at me that i better just get the fuck away from him ... what the fuck was he talking about ... me he can't look at fucking me ... fuck you ... all i do is support everything he does ... encourage everything he wants to do ... and live his self centered life ... we do everything how he wants to and he can't fucking look at me ...
i actually saw red
i sat down on the bed and didn't even put in the movie i wanted to watch ... i just turned on Jurassic Park ... and started cutting up magazines for my magnets ... it is a calming thing for me ... i sat there brooding thinking ... how the fuck does he talk to me that way and i say nothing ... no ... not this time ... i don't think so ... and i lost it ...
i got my finger right up in his face ... to let him know i knew it would be annoying but i was pissed and he needed to know how important this is ...
"if you ever fucking talk to me that way again you can get the fuck out of this house ...
boo-hoo you don't have a job ... but you aren't on the street ... you don't have to live with your father ... you have a place to live to live so the necessities of life haven't been ripped away from you ... you get Starbucks and cigarettes whenever you want so you haven't lost the luxuries of life either ... and you are going to scream and be a bitch all day to the person that provides these things for you ... the person that supports all your decisions and stands by you ... fuck you ... you are downright mean to me ... i am SORRY you don't have a job but fuck you if you think i am going to let you treat me like shit any longer ... f u c k y o u!!!!!"
and that was it ... we haven't spoken since ...
i woke up at 8 this morning and have already showered and put together a list of the necessities we need ... i think now i am going to get dressed ... make a little Target trip ... stop off at Starbucks and then head to the 11:20 AM showing of Legally Blonde ... all by myself ... this way i believe i will really enjoy my day ... and he can sit here in this dark dank basement and have his own miserable day alone ...
today i am not getting sucked into his shit
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