well I took the day off

 

May 19, 1999

well I took the day off yesterday and got a lot done ... I had to record all these surveys for work ... but it was so cool that they let me take them home ... it was just totally mind numbing working on them ... ohhhh I know I have said it before ... but I am so lucky to have the friends that I have ... my friend Martin in England has spent countless hours talking to me about all the things that are bothering me and I am sooooo incredibly thankful he is there for me ... I don't know what I would do if I didn't have him to talk to ... but I feel I may have upset another friend of mine last night ... I got kinda down about stuff ... and was crying and talking to my friend Ryan ... we used to work together but now that he has a new job we only get to talk online ... well he was being so sweet and kind ... and trying his damnedest to cheer me up ... but I think I just needed to let the tears out ... and I just signed off ... and left someone worried about me ... I know it wasn't a very nice thing to do ... but I just had to get in bed ... and let it all out ... he left me a message asking him to call him at work to let him know I am ok ... which I will do ... but I just didn't feel like talking about it last night ... nor now ... so I will just give him a call later ... before I got all bummed out last night the cutest little girls came by my house ... actually they were playing with the cats through the window ... so I went and hung out and talked to them for a little while ... I just love kids ... I love hearing their stories ... and all the questions they ask ... and they were so cute ... they said, "you are always on your computer ... we see you there all the time" ... and they were telling me about their pets ... and how it was fun cause they live in the same complex and are always looking for each other to play ... man I wish kids could appreciate how fun life is then ... running around and playing ... and no worries ... I often thought I would be great to be born old ... cause by the time we got to be kids we would appreciate it much more ... although I think my mom did a fabulous job at letting me realize my childhood was one of the truly great periods in my life ... she used to make this great bunny cake and call all the kids in the neighborhood over for an impromptu party ... and she would help us organize carnivals in the driveway ... with great voting booths turned into game booths with prizes and stuff ... and she would let us keep any of the money we made ... even though it probably cost her 3 times as much to put it on ... I am welling up thinking about all she did for my brother and I ... I want to be a mom like that!!! I will admit ... I am getting a little crazy with all this star wars stuff ... this morning on the news it was so funny ... they had what they called a "star wars free minute" and everyone was cheering ... I even sat here at my desk and clapped ... I am supposed to go see the movie tonight with my brother ... but he left me a message last night that there might be a problem with the tickets ... so I will have to call him and find out about that ... I wouldn't be too upset if I couldn't go ... cause I really should spend tonight doing laundry and backing up the stuff on my computer ... since I am going to change operating systems tomorrow ... I have already lost everything on a hard drive once ... I don't want it to happen again ... and it is a daunting task cleaning up my hard drive and saving everything ... and I need to decide about the whole camera thing today ... cause I want to have everything when I go to James' tomorrow ... I should get some stuff to upgrade my system as opposed to a new camera ... like a faster modem ... but that would be a waste of money since eventually I should have internet access and a cable modem ... maybe just make the sucker faster ... so I don't have all those lull periods I have now ... the other night I fell asleep crying about Harley ... he has been the best cat ever ... and the fact that he is slowly dying is killing me ... he has driven cross country with me 5 times ... gone on dead tour ... flies on the plane under the seat in front of me in his little carrier ... walks on a leash ... when I open his carrier he gets right in ... even though that means he is going to the vet ... he is loving when people come over ... and there have been times when he didn't like dates I had ... and it would turn out I didn't like them either ... he lets me lay my head on him and cry when I am sad without moving 'till I am finished ... he lets my friends kids pull his tail and pounce on top of him without a hiss or a bite or anything ... he is a perfect cat ... I hate to think of the day when I wake up and he isn't there ready to eat ... and I believe he even saved my life once ... when I was attacked and raped in my house ... he stood out on the window box howling and walling till my roommates heard him and came to see what was happening ... scaring the guy enough that he ran out of the house naked ... that is unconditional love ... and there is nothing I can do for him ... god I am just bawling thinking about this ... I knew it would come sometime ... I just don't want it to be now ... I don't want him to be sick ... I wanted him to just pass one night in his sleep ... curled up by my head ... and in no pain ... I am happy I have Kramer to ease the pain ... and as great as he may be in his own way ... he isn't Harley ... there have been many a time that I thought Harley was a love of mine from a past life ... that came back to be with me ... for he often acts like that ... January was our 9 year anniversary together ... and in June he will be 10 years old ... I think one of my luckiest days was when he ran and got into my car ... I have been blessed ever since ... ohhhhh I need to do something that will cheer me up ... and get me out of this depressing funk ... I must be pmsing ... cause the tears are coming so easily ... ack!! I have to stop writing ... it is just getting to me too much this morning ...   One thing I really need to get out ... WHAT~EV~ER!!!! driving home from work today that is all I could think ... that was all that was on my mind ... whatever whatever whatever!!!! Friends don't let you bare your soul and ignore it .... and thank goodness that is a lesson I learned long ago ... and it didn't leave me tainted ... or I would have a real hard time keeping this journal ... and being honest about everything ... and now that my WHATEVER!!! is out ... I feel great and I can enjoy my favorite night of TV ... my brother called ... and his friend gave my ticket to Star Wars to a girl staying with her ... which is no big deal ... I always have work I need to do ... especially since I am getting my 'puter fixed up tomorrow ... I just feel bad that I cancelled plans with Clay ... although I never do too well with plans on a weekday ... I am better with weekend plans ... Kris and Chevy want me to move to Vegas big time ... I told Kris I would work on it and consider it and make a decision by August ... they are probably right ... it would be great for me to be close to them ... and if I can get a job that pays me more than I need to live ... and I can save up enough ... I will probably do it ... I love them both so much and would love to spend more time with them ... I was thinking about going out there this weekend ... but since next weekend is a 3 day weekend I may go out there then ... and come home on Sunday so then I still have Monday to get stuff done without going to work ... and I won't have to fight the heavy traffic coming back from Vegas on Monday ... I did that one memorial day ... and a 4 hour drive took us 9 hours ... I don't EVER want to do that again ... ohhhh so today at work Bernadette came in and told me they are looking for a new webmaster ... and asked if I was interested ... if I apply and get the job ... then they will turn it from a student position to  a non-student position ... god they rock ... so I turned in my application ... and we will see what happens ... they even said it is something I could do from home so I could get another job ... and they will buy me all the books I want on web design ... that I haven't been able to afford myself ... man this would be great if it worked out ... we will just have to wait and see ... oh and I am so excited ... my friend Renee finally has a night free so she and her daughter are coming over for dinner Friday night ... it will be so fun ... we have tried to get together so many times before and it never works out for one reason or another ... but this time I think it will ... I am totally looking forward to it ... well I think I am going to nap for a bit ... I didn't sleep too well last night ... I was just too upset with the way Clint has been acting with me ... I realize people are busy but I also realize it takes only moments to pound out a quick email ...