I tried to go to sleep

 May 20, 1999

I tried to go to sleep but there is just too much on my mind ... I knew I wouldn't be able to until I got it all out ...

this is going to be my last entry about Clint ... for a while at least ... cause I blew it ... I pushed someone I shouldn't have ... knowing in the back of my mind that I shouldn't ... and I feel so bad now that I am shaking while typing this ... moments ago as I was about to go to bed I got his "pounded out message" (as I put it) and I hurt him with my last remarks from yesterday's entry ... I didn't mean to hurt him ... and rereading it now I would be hurt too ...  I was thinking of only how I felt and not how he did at all ... he had expressed he wasn't ready for anything more than a friend online ... but I wanted him to be my friend in real life too ... I know when I wrote all that it came across as wanting to be more than just friends ... but that is something I couldn't know until I actually know a person and spend time with them ... so my whole long confessional entry threw havoc into a chaotic life ... I am not sorry I feel this way ... maybe just sorry I didn't keep it to myself ...

shit I can't stop shaking ...

I know how important it is to be a good friend ... and I haven't been ... and I am sorry ... truly sorry ...

totally unrelated ... but something that was keeping me up none-the-less ... I have plans this weekend with a guy I went out with last week ... and when I think about it ... I just don't think I am ready ... too many guys have told me I use that as an excuse to stay alone ... but I figure I wouldn't feel this way if I wanted to be with them ... cause it isn't like I never had a boyfriend ... I just can't figure out why I don't want one now ...

its funny ... when I started watching the show Ally McBeal ... I thought she was crazy and gave women a bad reputation so to speak ... having this fantasy in her head about what love is ... but Monday night it hit me ... she is right ... there is the idealized image in my head of what I want and how I want to be treated ... I don't know if it is something feasible ... but it is there ... and I can't ignore it ...

my parents have been married for 32 years now ... so it is possible to find one person to spend the rest of your life with ... its funny when I first started dating I didn't want to date guys whose parents were divorced ... I didn't think they would know how to work at a relationship as well as kids who saw there parents go through all sorts of stuff and still be in love ... and I succeeded in doing that until my last boyfriend ... he was the first guy I dated whose parents were divorced ... and their divorce was bitter ... it made family functions hard ... but I loved him and lived with him for 3.5 years ... and thought maybe my notion was silly ... now that I am single again my notion is next to impossible ... not only is my dating pool filled with men whose parents are divorced and remarried and divorced ... many of the guys themselves are divorced ... so is this image I have a joke ... do I conjure up these things so I can stay by myself ...

I have never cheated on anyone in my life ... and I never would ... if I want to be with someone other than the person I am with ... well that is a clear sign I am with the wrong person ... but I have been cheated on many a time ... I have also never been the one to end a relationship ... all the guys I have been with ended it ... but at some point they have all come back and said it was a mistake ... and each of them knew ... I don't get back together with someone ... it doesn't work ... power structures change ... feelings are different ... "freedom" so to speak is sweet ... and I think when you try and "get back together" it is like the cat in Pet Cemetery ... sure the cat came back ... but all fucked up ...

it would be great to have sex ... to feel someone's bare skin against mine ... to giggle and laugh and roll around ... but I guess I haven't wanted it enough ... there are too many strings attached ... I always feel like I have to give up too much of myself ... and maybe that is what this notion of a man I have in my head is like ... accepting me exactly the way I am ... every guy tries to change things ... and little by little things do change ... without me even realizing it ... until one day I am not the person they fell in love with anymore ... and they all get this look ... like they don't recognize me ... or even like me anymore ... and that is when it ends ... and it is when I am alone again I realize all that changed ... and I find myself again ... and that is when they realize it was a mistake ... but that is why you can't go back ... I become the old me I loved so much ... and I know the pushes and pecks for me to be someone else will surface again ... they too have an image of what they want ... my spark clouds it ... until the spark is completely extinguished ...

god I am smoking like a banshee ... and I still can't stop shaking ... there is still so much in my head ... but my fingers don't seem to be typing it ...

a part of me is jealous of my friends ... their lives seem to have started ... while a lot of the time I feel like mine is still in some holding pattern ... most days I feel like a 17 year old in a 29 year olds body ... I think that I am grown up ... but I really am not ... I'm just not sure what I want to do with the rest of my life!!!

 

Man I had the WORST dreams last night ... I know that for the last several nights my dreams haven't been good ... but last night I was being berated by my teachers at school ... in the dream I had to start working in the restaurant at school ... and I was just sooooo upset by it ... and I told my teachers I wasn't going to do it ... that I didn't want to do it ... and as I was leaving the school I got hit by a car in the parking lot ... I wasn't hurt ... but 2 of the teachers were convinced that I got hit on purpose to stay out of class ... and it just made me sick thinking about it ... I couldn't believe anyone would think that ... ohhh the dream shook me up so badly I had to get up ... ohhhh this whole school thing will plague me for a while ... I just wish I could get back to all my good dreams ... it is rare that my dreams are disturbing ... and for the last several days they all have been ...

I called work this morning and they don't need me too badly today ... so I am staying home to clean up my computer for tonight ... since James is going to put windows '98 on today ... I am thinking I should get a zip drive so I can save everything quicker and easier ... and since I am going to take my new camera back this morning ... I am going to check out the zip drives as well ...

so going up to James' tonight is kind of exciting ... we have been online friends for about a year ... in fact this summer when I drove cross country alone ... he was a huge support ... I talked to him every night ... he knew how nervous I was to be back at my ex's when I got home until I found a new place to live ... and really was quite supportive of everything I was going through ... so it is quite exciting that we are finally going to meet ... I hope to meet his fiancée as well ... but I don't know if that is happening ...

ok I should get back to work ... best buy opens in an hour ... and I will be able to get out early and get all my stuff done ... ohhh I am so excited to get my computer fixed up ... I have been dealing with too many problems and error messages for way too long now ... I just hope it isn't a really big deal for him ... and that it all goes smoothly ...