Well it is yet another morning I am sitting here crying

 

May 4, 1999

Well it is yet another morning I am sitting here crying ... god I hate hate hate hate hate school ... my parents are finally back in the country so I called my mom this morning bawling ... she thinks I should drop out of school ... if it is something I want to finish I eventually will ... but right now it is killing ... I get sick to my stomach whenever I think about it ... At 3 today I have an appointment with my counselor at school ... this is the last one I can have for the year ... we are only allowed 10 and I have been saving this last one ... I sure hope he can help me sort through all these feelings I have ... ya know this is not where my life was supposed to be at 29 ... I grew up believing by this time in life I would be married and having kids and working ... to me after seeing the example of my mother I really believe one of the most important jobs out there is being a mother and wife ... and I don't think that is compromising my somewhat feminist beliefs ... I still want to work ... but as it is looking to me ... I planned wrong ... my life is not following my mothers ... by my age she had both of her children ... she was well on her way to being an amazing mother ... me I am on my way to dropping out of school yet again ... and getting some job ... all I can say is I feel like such a looser ... I just talked to my friend Jason ... I have to say I have the most supportive friends and family ... I don't know what I would do without them ... I just wish one of them would give me a killer job ... hahahahaa ... I did ask Jason if they were hiring at the travel agency ... which I think I would enjoy since I have been almost everywhere ... but they aren't ... unfortunately ... ohhhhhh I also wish my ex hadn't given me grief about my camera ... it has actually made me think I shouldn't be doing it ... but then I realized that is stupid ... cause I do love it ... I have never learned so much so fast ... and I can't figure out why I would still let him be in control of the things I do ... or why it should even affect me ... but it does ... I hate thinking there is someone out there that has ill feelings towards me ... but as my friends point out to me daily ... I can not live my life to please everyone ... I have to live my life to please myself ...   Well it is now 12:26  AM and I need to write about the rest of my day ... seeing my counselor was great ... he doesn't give me advice ... but lets me ramble and cry and scream and curse ... and get it all out ... and told me I could still come and see him even though I have used up all my appointments ... which give me such a comforting feeling ... even if I don't go back ... I did walk out of there knowing what I am going to do ... I am leaving school ... I don't want to say dropping out cause that indicates I will never go back ... and who knows ... I may ... someday ... maybe even this fall ... but all I know is that I am not going back any more this quarter or this summer ... and I can't stop smiling about it ... I feel so great ... my stomach has stopped hurting ... my headache has gone away ... I am trying to take the puffiness out of my eyes with my wonderful cool eye mask ... and the world is feeling much better to me ... I just have to tell my teacher that won't give up on me ... that she needs to learn to ... and that won't be easy ... she has tried sooooooo hard with me ... and Kris is starting her push for me to move to Vegas ... which may not be a bad idea ... since I don't have family in cali anymore ... I would love to live near Kris ... I miss being close enough to just hangout whenever we want ... and I know I talk to her at least 5 times a day ... but I wanna hangout too ... and not just when I go to Vegas for vacations ... but that won't be for sometime ... although my friend Jason out there has talked about opening an internet cafe ... go do I have some fabulous ideas for one ... so now I gotta start pushing him to see if he is serious ... My parents will be here on Thursday ... and even though I have wanted to tell them about my site ... I want to do it when they are here ... and can see all that I have done ... I am kinda excited and kinda nervous all at the same time ... I stopped by mail boxes etc. today about getting a post office box ... but man it was so expensive ... 50 bucks for 3 months ... and the sad thing is I can't shell out that much right now ... thank goodness I am gonna get a real job ... so tomorrow I am going to stop by the regular post office and see how much it costs there ... hopefully it is more reasonable ... I was really worried about putting up a journal ... but in fact it is quickly becoming my favorite part of my site ... I have received so many wonderful and uplifting emails as a result of it ... and no one can get too many positive emails ... and at a time when I can't seem to stop crying ... that is a very good thing ... I have to take Harley to the vet in the morning to get a checkup ... and find out if his tumor was cancerous or not . . . I am so worried ... and it appears  as if his cheek is getting big again . . . I sure hope he is alright ... he has been with me since January of 1991 when he was 6 months old ... he and I have driven across country 4 times together and lived in 8 different houses with me ... and although I adore Kramer and am so happy the two cats are starting to love each other ... I would be lost without Harley ... he lets me lay my head on him when I cry and doesn't even squirm ... and when I talk to him ... he acts likes he understands ... besides he is the only cat I know that loves to walk on a leash like a dog ... that is a one in a million cat ... Well I must get back to work on my next gallery ... so I can put it up tomorrow ...