| I want to preface this entry with the fact that it may be quite scattered and unorganized ... there have been lots of things I have wanted to write about for the last couple of days ... and without my computer there was nothing I could do ... I just never felt like hand writing it ... now that I type it out ...
Well it has been a hellish couple of days but I made it ... thank god ... I have missed writing in my journal ... and yet have still been putting it off since I got my computer back up and running ... maybe cause I know it will be a huge entry or maybe cause I know I won't remember everything I want to write ...
well in the updating of my computer I lost a lot and spent a lot ... and it still isn't how I want it ... plus I am wondering if I was screwed around with ... I am learning that you can't always trust everyone you think you can ... but who knows ... it may just be cause I don't know how to do it myself that I wonder if the people helping me are both 100% honest and sure of what they are doing ... I am missing a lot of things ... and stuff isn't working just right ... and it is just at an all time high frustration level ... so much so that I am thinking of staying in school ... but not as a hotel and restaurant management major ... but as a computer information systems major ... the thought came about when I didn't know what was really going on with my computer and with the fact that the webmaster's position at school offers 2 class credits ... tomorrow I am going to see an advisor about how long I would have to be in school ... plus I think they offer a concentration in the web ... which is what I want to do ... so this might actually be worth while ... especially since computer homework would actually be fun for me ... so I guess I will see what happens with this idea ...
I wonder when I will stop changing my mind every 15 minutes ... hahahaaa ... probably never ... that is why I have minimal skills in lots of things ...
at this moment in time I am convinced that no one knows what they are doing when it comes to computers ... people can put me down ... and tell me it was all my fault things go wrong ... but fuck that ... no one knows completely how to work and fix these things ... sometimes I wish I had never touched a computer ... that I could be like many of my friends and say ... shit I have no idea how to do anything on one of those things ... I think at this point in time I would be better off
... when I said this journal entry would be scattered I wasn't kidding ... and it has nothing to do with the fact that I am drinking beer ... it has to do with the fact that I am so fed up with this stupid system ... for some reason only every other picture on my site is showing up ... and when I called earthlink they told me they don't help people with web cams ... but the guy said my problem could be that my server is bogged down with too many people ... see now I would know if that were the case if the stat companies I used hadn't dropped me ... they said my site was unacceptable ... UNACCEPTABLE ... I couldn't believe that ... it isn't like I am sitting here naked and doing drugs or anything ... shit that was just amazing to me ... so I have no idea what is going on with my site anymore ... UNACCEPTABLE I am just sitting here at my computer ... or sleeping ... and it isn't even like I am sleeping with anyone but my cats and my stuffed bunny ... it just amazes me ... and I pay for the services ... I am not using them for free ... I should be able to do any damn thing I want to when I pay ... the majority of their customers use them for free ... unless you check the source of each page would you know who is keeping my stats ...
ya know at this moment I am soooooooo tense I wish someone would give me a gift of a massage ... I can't tell ya how much I could use one right now ... not that I have ever had one ... but I can feel my arms and shoulders and legs tensing up as I am writing this ... if I had money I would pay big time to have one ... BIG TIME ... god even my face feels tense right now ... and I am drinking ... I should feel pleasantly numb ...
well lets get back to life ... tonight I told clay I just wasn't ready for anything ... and I don't think he was too happy ... he told me he would rather not even hang out till I figured myself out ... and knew what was going on ... I was sad and relieved at the same time ...
(hours have passed before writing this next part)
how does someone ever correct a mistake they made ... sitting here crying I don't think it can be done ... once you make a mistake it is there FOREVER ... and it isn't until you blow it that you realize the awful consequences of your actions ... and they are truly awful ... nothing is worse than letting down a friend ... nothing ... especially when true friends are few and far between ...
I truly believe this camera site has been a blessing in my life ... and this journal has been a curse ... but I love them both ... I guess if I want to continue I have to take the consequences that come from them both ... loosing people I care about and gaining others ...
I didn't know if I should write about this ... but this week I found out my dad has bladder cancer ... they removed the tumor ... and besides having to go to have it checked every 3 months everything seems fine (knock on wood) ... but I will tell ya when I found out I couldn't stop crying ... even though he had already had the surgery ... and was doing great (again knock on wood) ... the idea of him not being around scared me to death ... and as a girl I always dreamed of the day when he would walk me down the isle ... I don't know if my wedding day could mean as much if he weren't there ... in fact I know it wouldn't ... at 18 I had two debutante balls ... one here and one on the east coast ... and what made it so special was my dad ... being my escort ... cracking me up as we had to walk around ... and I was presented ... he made the evening both times ... I want him to be the one that makes my wedding too ... it is something the two of use have looked forward to and joked about since I was like 10 ... fuck I want my parents there always ... I don't know what I would do if either one of them were gone ... I want them there for everything ... FOREVER ... they are the greatest things in my life ...
(again some time has passed)
although I am not going to share the details with anyone but my own thoughts ... I have recently cut things from my life that had me feeling like I was in the same abusive cycle I have lived through before ... and although it makes me so so so sad ... in the end it is better for everyone ... especially me ... and although I would rather think about everyone before myself ... I am slowly learning that I need to take care of myself first ... and although on occasion makes me feel like I am a bad person ... but I know I am not ... I am truly the only person I can count on ... it may be hard for me to remember ... but when I do it gives me some strength ... I may be a strong strong person ... but it is when it comes to everyone else in my life ... and not myself ... right now I am missing Kris sooooo much ... I want to lay my head in her lap and have her tell me everything will be alright ... I want to be close enough to a friend to feel their touch ... I sure chose a hell of a time to have an online journal ... I don't know when I have had soooooo many things to deal with ... but I know it is what makes us stronger ... it just isn't always easy to remember when the tears are streaming down you face ... there is a line in the Baz Lerman song that restores my faith in my life ... "Your choices in life are half chance ... so are everybody else's" I don't even think I can remember all the stuff I wanted to write about the 3 days my computer was down ... cause I feel like tonight I have been on an amazing emotional rollercoaster ... (and even more time still)
when James couldn't fix my computer Thursday night I cried ... I know it was more than not having my computer ... but he kept telling me I had to get out of my self alienation phase ... that I spent too much time alone ... and my computer was allowing me to do that ... in a way I believe he is somewhat right ... I do like being alone toooo much ... I sometimes think if I could support myself and have everything delivered to me ... I would never leave my house ... but then I think about when I broke my leg and couldn't leave ... even if I wanted to ... I had to rely solely on others and I hated it ... all I wanted to do was get out of this place ... there was a time in my life I was almost too social ... doing so much I neglected the things I really needed to do ... now it is the opposite ... I am sure it is a phase ... but it is a phase I am somewhat enjoying ... although there are times I hope it passes ... but I did build a new desk this weekend ... a yellow one at that (my favorite color) that I am liking being at home on my computer even more ... I can't believe it is almost 3 AM ... and with everything that is going through my head and body I am no longer buzzed or tired ... my eyes are burning from crying so much tonight ... and I know I will have the puffiness to prove it in the morning that I should probably quit writing and try and get some sleep ... curling up with my cats always makes me feel safe and warm and I should probably take advantage of that right now ... I just feel like there is so much more to release ... but I have no idea what that is ... maybe it is the fact that I have met some amazingly supportive people though this site ... and I am soooooo thankful for that ... my life wouldn't be the same without any of them ... I know deep deep down I am truly one of the luckiest people on earth ... I have it really good ... I just hope I am doing a good job of sharing it with others ... for otherwise all the blessings I have received are wasted!!!!!! | 
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