Ack!! I have wanted to write all day

 

May 16, 1999

Ack!! I have wanted to write all day and just had so much work to do ... I sure hope I remember everything I wanted to write ... cause right now I am not in the best of moods cause my camera is a piece of crap ... and I can't fix it ... I went shopping today for cameras ... and there were some great ones that were quite affordable ... for someone with any money at all ... and who runs windows 98 ... unfortunately this piece of shit computer runs NT ... and not very well I might add ... I did write down the info on the cameras so I could see if the companies have drivers for NT ... but I have yet had the time or the desire to check it out ... cause I know I really can't afford to buy any ... unless I can open a store credit card ... which I know is a really bad idea ... ohhhh so I am just sitting here all pissed off ... although today I did get two CDs ... and I am listening to one of them right now ... Sugar Ray ... and the song "Falls Apart" is on ... I love the song so it is somewhat lifting my spirits ... but not that much ... the other CD I got was Baz Lerman ... and it is pretty good ... but I am really digging the Sugar Ray one ... I went to high school with these guys ... not that I know them now ... but it is pretty bitchen to see someone work at something for so long and succeed big time ... it is a great feeling ... ohhhh I need to digress for a moment ... I went out with my mom yesterday ... we spent the day at South Coast Plaza shopping (which I normally hate, shopping that is) but we had a blast ... probably partly because she loaded me up ... I came home with more stuff than I did at Christmas ... and it was all stuff I really needed and would have had to go buy myself so she saved me sooooo much money ... plus she got be a beautiful Tiffany's Floating Heart necklace as a gift she said for being such a wonderful caring person ... that just made me tear up big time ... she is so sweet and giving ... and I am such a lucky person to have her as my mother   well ... I put up a new gallery since I last wrote ... and have drunk many a beer ... and I am thinking I drank so much cause I just need to write freely ... and I have remained somewhat reserved cause I know people read this ... but I can't do this anymore ... because my journal is where I work out the things that are killing me ... and right now I have something that is eating me from the inside out ... I see the truth staring me in the face and I can't face it ... I am totally hung up on Clint ... it kills me sometimes to watch his video ... and at the same time it is so hard for me to turn it off ... I haven't connected with someone like this in who knows how long ... now I realized I could totally hate him if I meet him ... but I haven't met him so I don't know ... and in the mean time I have turned down dates with really great guys cause my mind is in one place ... and it isn't fair to go out with someone when my mind isn't on them ... I have gone on one date since I have felt like this ... and I thought of nothing but Clint the whole time ... that isn't fair to the guy I was with ... cause he was really groovy ... but I kept thinking ... I should fucking be meeting Clint ... ack!!! ack!!! ack!!!!!!! what I think is this may only be some freaky online thing ... but there is a feeling ... that I totally can't ignore ... but I feel I may have to start to ignore it ... cause I am screwing myself up ... I know if I can put this out of my head ... I can continue to talk to him and think of him only as the wonderful person that he is ... I have just had the hardest time doing that ... and usually I don't have a hard time doing that ... it isn't like this is something I haven't done ... loosing interest in someone I have complete interest in ... but for some reason this time it is soooooo hard for me ... which again makes me think twice ... it is so hard for me to find someone I am interested in ... I love being alone ... friends think I am crazy but I really really do ... to want to spend time with someone is a big deal to me ... that is why this is killing me ... I hate for the majority of my journal entry to be about him ... but to be honest that is what I am thinking about ... and in a way I know writing so much about it can't help the situation ... but I think that maybe it will help me ... at least I hope so ... I will admit I am feeling a bit better having got this off my chest ... but I know I will wake up with this awful feeling of dread ... there really are other things going on in my life right now ... but my head is just so clouded I can't think straight enough to write about them ... which to me is a cue that I need to get some sleep ... lets hope the temp agency calls me tomorrow morning with a job ... and my head will travel to being worried about the first day of work somewhere ... the other things I need to get out will just have to wait until tomorrow!! ... oh I hope my dreams tonight are sweet and unfettered now that I have bore my soul ...