I attempted to write last night

 

May 28, 1999

I attempted to write last night ... but I was too far gone to write anything that didn't sound like a suicide letter (not to worry I would never ever do that) ... but that slap of $354 from earthlink ... threw me over the edge ... I finally thought I was getting my shit together ... and then this ... so when the guy told me they were charging me so much ... I immediately ripped the page off my site ... I couldn't afford people keeping it open to see when I came back on ... I called earthlink today and explained the problem I was having ... and that I couldn't afford to pay so much money ... I asked them to go over the transcripts of my conversation when I opened the corporate account ... and they said I could easily misunderstand that the warning was going to be in the form of a huge payment ... well duhhhh I realized that last night when I started hyperventilating ... and they said they would make me a deal ... they would let me purchase extra disk space for traffic ... like I hadn't used the traffic already ... but I had to pay right then ... it was $110 ... of which I had 10 of that ... so I called Eric ... and he transferred the money into my account ... Eric has been a true life saver this week ... not just cause he loaned me the money today ... but he has been there for me about Harley ... and when I have been freaking out about all my money troubles ... and just there to listen to me ... I am so happy we are talking again ... and that things are going well between us ... I have missed him ... I mean he has been one of my closest friends for the last 5 years ... just having him disappear was so hard for me ... so I didn't write yesterday ... or on Wednesday night after Eric came over ... but I had a great time ... and I think seeing Eric totally lifted Harley's spirits ... he has been doing pretty good since he got his shot ... and saw Eric ... gonna make putting him down even harder ... but I know it is for the best ... when I think about it ... it makes me cry so hard ... and when I start crying ... Harley lets me lay my head on his tummy and bawl ... and he doesn't mind getting all wet at all ... I know I know I go on and on about what a great kitty he is ... but he really really is ... I nearly burst into tears when I came home today ... he greeted me at the door with a big meow ... and a rub against my leg ... just broke me up ... well yesterday before all this trouble I did something I probably shouldn't have ... I stopped at Best Buy on my way home from work ... just to look at digital cameras ... and they had the one I have wanted for $125 off cause it was an open box ... and I just couldn't resist ... so I got it ... I am so glad I did ... I have taken a bunch of pictures of the cats ... which I will soon appreciate even more than I do now ... and I have found a way to pay Kris and Chevy back for all they are doing for me ... everyone wants to see their new house ... so I can photograph their place and build a web site for them ... so everyone that is far and can't come to visit can see their whole place ... and all of Kris' friends want pics when they go out ... with the digital camera we will have a blast ... so it may over extend me ... but I also need something good to happen and this is it!!! I did decide to keep the camera going ... the pics just aren't uploading anywhere ... they are all on a timer save now to my hard drive ... so I can still keep an updated gallery of my move ... and whatever is going on here at home ... not the same thing ... but I like how the camera has been recording my life ... it has been so much fun for me ... I am quite sad that I can't run it anymore ... I also feel kinda stupid that I incurred so much cost on my own ... I found a company that can host my site ... for a much more reasonable cost ... but to get it started I need $110 ... and I know that isn't possible right now ... I would be an idiot to even try it ... I am not gonna start selling off my own stuff to supply a free service to everyone else ... the new company also can supply me with a merchants number ... and credit card acceptance service ... and since donations haven't worked at all ... if I do start it back up again ... Eric told me I would be an idiot not to charge at least $2 a month to people ... to help pay some of the costs ... and he is right ... I had over 4 gigs of traffic in less than 3 weeks ... so it isn't like there are only 10 people out there watching my site ... and I can have a guest area with a longer upload time for people who still wanna watch for free ... I think it is only fair ... if I were independently wealthy I wouldn't care at all ... but I am not and I am very aware that that isn't the case with my life ... hahahahaaa ... ya know today I went to the store to use the CoinStar machine ... where you dump all your loose change in and get bills back ... and I got 22 bucks ... which of course I needed ... felt kinda pathetic ... but I have been keeping a big bowl of change forever now ... and I didn't want to have to move it ... well I saw my Starbucks guy getting some smokes ... and then I stopped by to get a mocha with my new found wealth ... and it would be fittingly appropriate that now that I am getting ready to move ... he and I start talking a bunch ... and he seems much more comfortable with me ... well he told me he read an article about a family using a webcam ... and it reminded him of me ... got the mag out while I was there so I could check out the article .. and we (him and everyone else working there since I am there so much I pretty much know everyone) were all talking about my site ... and all the shit that is going on with it ... he is a really cool guy ... it is too bad we never got to hang out ... but ya know one day he may get a computer ... and we will chat online ... seems to be the best place to find me ... it has been kinda cool not being connected to the internet all the time ... cause I have gotten to catch up on phone calls ... and I didn't have to be the one to call everyone back ... people can actually get through to me ... although I still haven't had a chance to talk to Jason T. about my move ... which is kind of bumming me out ... although I know his boyfriend just moved out here sometime this week ... so I am sure they are busy getting settled and everything ... I am gonna try and get a hold of him at work tomorrow ... that way we will get a chance to do some chatting ... tonight is turning out to be pretty groovy ... I worked on some magnets ... and Valley Girl is on TV ... I love this movie ... and I got to hang out for a long time with Harley and Kramer ... and that is a great precious thing ... that won't happen for much longer ... well I actually feel caught up ... and don't think there is anything else I need to write about now ... I am sure in a couple of hours I will think of more ... but until then ... I have much to do ... {smile}