There was a subjest posted on my DC Urban Mom's board today ... mostly asking to agree that both parents no matter what they do should be 50/50 in everything ... housework, child rearing, ... basically everything ... which sparked much debate ... most saying that it isn't 50/50 ... that too much is expected of those at home ... yadda yadda yadda ... I was getting a bit tired of reading about it because I felt like my situation wasn't portrayed at all ... but I still read on to see the opinions and ideas out there ... then I came across this response and it left me a sobbing heap at my desk ... I think it is just beautiful ... and conveys all the things I think but don't express ... I want to save it forever ...
Subject: Re: [DCUM-List] Can we agree?
Can we agree that we married our spouse because of our deep and abiding love
for them, and that for most of us, the thought of losing is almost
unthinkable?
Can we agree that many, if not most of us entered into marriage and into parenting with unrealistic and unachievable ideals for what each would be, and that part of growing into marriage and parenthood is confronting the fantasy and joyfully embracing the reality? Not resignation - but a warm embrace that life, albeit different from what we expected, is outstanding, in that we are sheltered, clothed and fed each day, with the bonus, for most of us, that we are healthy, as our children are. And that those who are not so fortunate to have healthy loved ones, but instead endure or suffer with chronic disease or disability, recognize sooner than most of us that the most important quality one can bring to the table each day is perspective.
Can we agree that life is so very short - and that we - ourselves, our spouses and our children, are all one car accident, one fallen tree, one terminal diagnosis, or one heart attack away from being the subject of a well-attended funeral punctuated by tears and eulogies?
Can we agree that marriage is not a 50/50 deal - that there will be stretches in our lives where it will seem 75/25 or 35/65 or 0-100, but in fact, it is our obligation to choose to do what we can to always give 100%, no matter what our spouses shortcomings might be?
Can we agree that the cleanliness of a house is not what makes it a home, and that frozen dinners or hotdogs and beans, eaten by a family together while sharing the adventures of the day, is preferable to fine cuisine served with a side of bitterness?
Can we agree that we are all, to some extent, living out the dramas of our childhoods and/or replaying our own parents' roles in one fashion or another, and that we are holding ourselves, our partners and our children to a standard which none of us will ever meet - unless it changes.
My father, who was a wise and funny man, was in the Cardiac Intensive Care Unit many years ago. He was a regular there, as he was at many hospitals in the area (as a wildly non-compliant diabetic). He was on death watch he was told, with little chance of recovery. But he was lucid and talking. I was so very sad and sat on the edge of his bed, weeping and wondering how my
life would be without him. My then-husband and I had an upcoming trip to the Canadian Rockies which was long planned and very non-refundable). I asked my father whether I should go, or whether I should stay with him, lest he pass away.
Without a moment's hesitation, he said to go - that he might be there when I got back and he might not be - and either way would be okay since we had had
such a great life as father and daughter (which was funny in itself for those who have read some of my previous posts). He told me that now that looked at life from the vantage point of a dying man that he realized - that he'd never seen the Canadian Rockies, or the Gulf of Mexico, or the Grand Canyon and he wished he had. He also said, when you lie here dying, you will never think to yourself, gee, I wish I worked later or on the weekend more of the time, or made more money, or bought more things. He said all you wish for is another day with your spouse, another chance to say I love you, and I'm sorry and another visit to zoo with your children and to feel them, dead weight, asleep in your arms.
I would dare say that if one were to add to this list, I would guess, on our deathbeds, we would never wish to have had cleaned and vacuumed one more time, or to hold a resentment for one more minute than we did.
Life is so very short; no one is guaranteed another moment on this planet. Read the metro section of the post this week and see who drowned, whose child was decapitated, whose husband was crushed by a piece of malfunctioning equipment, whose daughter was raped. It could be you and yours tomorrow, so why waste today on life's most petty problems. Browse the obituaries and try for a moment to think of what yours might say - of your legacy.
One of my favorite tunes which keeps me focused is Bruce Springsteen's "Wreck on the Highway." Give it a listen some time.
And finally, can we all agree that the anonymity of the list serve "empowers" us to communicate in a way which would never do with our grandmothers or our neighbors, while sitting in our front porches sipping lemonade on a steaming hot July afternoon is the same anonymity that leads to road rage and other such sordid human behaviors?
Eileen P.
Mom to John and David
Motherhood is more fun when you are not in it alone!
http://wifemothersisterfriend.blogspot.com
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