Loaded With Errors

Ok I have spent as much time as I care to tonight fixing up my blog ... and it is looking groovy but man there is an error message in the bottom of the browser saying the page is done but with errors ... but i can't figure out what the errors are ... and my archives aren't working ... and i don't see why on that either ... so i think i need some sleep and a fresh mind to go at this again ...

I saw my friend from high school Lisa online today ... sent her my number and we got to chat on the phone for a bit ... which was so groovy ...

but for now i am quite tired ... and my head is aching for my pillow ...
xxox

Returning Friends

very mellow day ... which i guess is pretty good ... went to Target ... of course ... cause you can always find stuff you need at Target ... I worked on the computer all day ... and now at 12:21 AM i am almost finished with all the laundry ... thank goodness ... but i am going to be a procrastinator and not put it away till tomorrow ...

I wish I Love Lucy didn't come on so late ... it used to come on at like 11 or something ... which was perfect cause it would get me in bed at a reasonable time but now it doesn't come on till 1 in the morning ... and that is really too late to stay up ... but i do it anyway ... gotta get my Lucy fix ...

I am dreading going to work tomorrow ... it is like when I worked at Millar all over again ... coming home crying at the end of the day ... having trouble going to sleep because I don't want it to be morning and have to go to work ... and the sad thing is i really really do love my job ... but lately i hate everything about it ... and i am growing ever more bitter ... it is not good to be bitter at 31 ...

I wish David and I could start our own business ... we both work so amazingly hard it would be worth running our own company ... i would for sure work for even less money than i am making now if it was my own company and i was working for myself ... but unfortunately that isn't something that is going to happen right now ...

I am having the most sureal experience right now ... one of my best friends and I parted ways when we were 19 years old and haven't spoken since ... through the grape vine i have been updated on what has been going on ... she was in a terrible accident several years ago ... leaving some brain damage ... i received an email the other day from Miranda, Lisa and Shal ... I couldn't believe it ... i was so happy ...

at first all the hurt feelings flew into my mind ... i was completely devistated when we went our separate ways ... i was going to say it took me years to get over ... but i would say there was still a part of me that was still hurting up until a couple of days ago ... when i thought ... my goodness it has been over 12 years ... we are totally different people today than when we were 19 ... why not be super happy to have an old friend back in my life ...

so now we are chatting in an IM while i am typing ... and designing this page ...

Working On Sunday

Well i have been awake since 10 this morning ... and all i have done is work ... and not fun work of my own ... work work ... its Sunday ... and i am working ... why?? because it is expected of me ... i am starting to think the harder you work the more you are taken advantage of ... and the people who are slackers are really the smart ones in the end ...

First Post On My New Blog

Ahhh a new blog ... I'm so excited ... today was the perfect day to start ...
This morning David and I were up pretty early and we went to Home Depot ... we got some herbs and new pots for them ... we got some screen so I could fashion something at the front door so we could get some air down in this dungeon ... [living in the basement can be so fun] ... and we got a bulb for the bubble lamp ... we also stopped at a killer garage sale and I got a bitchen kitchen cabinet that needs some work but is from the 50's and is PERFECT for the new microwave ...

so anyway ... we got home ... changed the bubble lamp bulb and sat down to watch some TV ... both of us heard something in the kitchen but neither of us thought about it ... Kramer even came into the room and did that horrible dry heave thing ... and we still thought nothing about it ... I mean come on ... cats and hairballs go hand in hand ... and he was laying on the bed ... looking a little green in the face and didn't even get hyper when we were playing with him ... when David got up and went into the kitchen to get something to drink ... we learned what was going on with Kramer ...

the poor cat had eaten the entire Lemon Grass plant ... there was dirt all over the floor and a huge clump of slobbery Lemon Grass in the middle of the kitchen ... we could not stop laughing ... and every time we looked at Kramer ... all sick to his stomach ... we kept giggling ...

I worked for a while ... took a nap with David ... fooled around ... showered ... went to Applebee's for dinner ... and then have been working on my parents website the rest of the night ...

and tomorrow morning I am for sure sleeping in ... it is so great that David doesn't work on the weekends anymore ... i love that we can sleep in ... hang out ... get stuff done or do nothing at all ... its having a real life again ...

xxox

Unbelievable ...

 Unbelievable ... I know people have good intentions ... but the amount of lecture emails I got from my journal entry last night topped the charts ... and it makes it hard for me to want to write ... I had a moment of anxiety and depression ... and I needed to get it out ... that is what my journal is for ... and there were only 2 good things about it ... 1) once I got it out I felt a lot better ... like lifting a weight off my chest and 2) my friend Jill in Lawrence {who I have reconnected with through email} wrote me a very inspirational letter that got me thinking in the right direction ... and I know everyone else had great intentions ... but man I am not 18 ... I am almost 30 ... I know what it takes to get a job ... I have been working since I was 14 ... shit when I was in grade school I used to make stuff and sell it to kids at school and put on carnivals in our front yard ... so I know how to work ... sure I did get some good links to job search engines on the internet ... but I felt like everyone was talking to me like all I did was sit here all day and play on the computer and feel sorry for myself ... which is sooooooo not the case ... in fact I never feel sorry for myself ... I may be upset or frustrated or even mad ... but I know I have it better than a lot of people in this world ... I mean please I have friends and family that love me ... and a warm place to sleep at night ... and food to eat ... but I am still allowed to be frustrated with what is going on ... 

so anyway it was therapeutic for me to write out all my frustrations ... I mean that is the point in keeping a journal ... and of course after I got it all off my chest I was able to think clearer ... a little while later the pizza place called and asked if I could start working at lunch ... so I go in today in just a little bit ... which is great ... a little money ... a meal a day I don't have to pay for ... I can deal with that ... I don't' want to do the swing shift thing like I did last time cause there is something else I need to work on ... besides I need the time to volunteer at Habitat ... I am not giving that up for money ... no way ... I have been too excited about giving my time to others ... 

so after securing a way to make a little money I was feeling better ... and Jill's letter was so inspirational to me that I decided to call my brother about an internet idea I have had and see what he thought ... he is someone that will be totally honest with me and let me know if he thought it was something I should pursue or forget about ... and I was happy to hear him say he thought it was a great idea ... and had never seen anything like it online yet ... and that with the right business plan I will have no problem getting investors ... 

so even after a moment of utter despair ... I got it all out and started thinking again ... there is more I want to write but I will have to do it later cause I gotta jet to the pizza place ... first day I have tons of stuff to work on and I gotta go do something I don't want to do ... hahahahaaa ... but at least I will make a little money ... 

 

well work today was just like it was when I worked there before ... although it is much better working there in the winter ... that kitchen was a bitch when it was 110 outside ... so that part was nice ... and I am making a little money ... a cool new restaurant is opening on the corner by my house ... so I am going to go by there tomorrow too ... 

but the best news ... I thought of a company name and registered it tonight ... plus go the web address so I can actually talk about it ... Wonderland Productions ... and my new web address will be awonderland.com ... it just rocks ... I love the name so much ... I am sorry right now my journal is public cause I would love to write down all my ideas about the company ... but can't ... I would just die if someone grabbed them and ran with them ... but it rocks ... everyone that I have talked to just loves the idea ... and I have yet to find a site out there that does what I want to do ... I am so glad Jill wrote me that letter ... it was exactly what I needed ... 

my email dropped considerably today ... probably cause I was a bitch in my journal earlier tonight ... but that is cool ... I obviously don't hold back my feelings ... so I had to say what I said ... I do feel bad that I got a bunch of apology emails ... but as Eric's girlfriends said ... "yea I read it but I didn't write her anything cause she said in it she didn't want a bunch of those emails telling her what to do or that it would be alright" ... hahahahaaa ... 

I have been looking for a book about writing a business plan that my brother suggested ... but not a single store out here has it ... and since I don't have a credit card I can't order if from online ... which is just a pisser ... too bad I wrecked my credit at 21 ... now when I need them I don't have them ... but it is probably a good thing I don't have a credit card ... I doubt I would be too good with them ... 

hopefully tomorrow I am meeting with these guys that love investing in small companies ... and they will want to invest in mine ... I typed up non-disclosure agreements tonight ... so I can talk freely with them about my ideas ... my mom thinks there may be a fight with Dean about all this ... cause it was an idea I came up with while working with him ... and I bought that domain name months ago ... but he could say he owns it ... and the idea since I thought of it while working for him ... which will bum me out ... cause all that time I kept begging to work on it and he didn't want me to ... he wanted me to work on other stuff ... so I will just have to confront him with it and ask if I can keep the domain name ... I mean the idea was mine ... and I can't remember if I bought the name or he did ... we will have to see what he says ... ohhhh I am nervous ... but we will see ... hopefully he won't care ... or better yet he will want to go to work for me ... hahahahahaa yea like that would ever happen ... I just hope it all works out ... well duhhh who wouldn't ... but I just don't wanna fight with anyone ... 

man I am so tired from running around the pizza place today ... and having to wake up at a specific time ... I should go to bed now ... but I have been kinda hanging out ... researching my idea and hoping Devin would sign on ... I haven't talked to him in a couple of days ... we keep missing each other ... and I miss him ... chatting with him always winds up being the bright part of my day ... besides I wanna hear how his movie is coming along ... 

man I was so engrossed in working tonight I forgot to watch I Love Lucy ... not that it is that important ... but ya know it is a good way for me to relax and unwind a bit ... besides it always makes me laugh ... and at this point in the game ... laughing is good ... 

I am so happy tomorrow is Friday ... that gives me 2.5 full days to do work on my own stuff ... at least I am not working swing shift at the pizza place this time ... that was killer ... having 2 hours off in the middle of the day ... sometimes less ... not much time to go home ... I don't live that close ... 

man I haven't checked my P.O. Box in days and I should ... last time I did got a Christmas Card from ModeMan ... he hangs out in my chat and I was so excited to get a card ... hahahaa ... dork that I am ... but I love getting mail that isn't asking me to pay them ... bills bills bills ... {smile} ... 

yea I am just zoning ... big time ... and I don't think Devin is showing up tonight ... so I gotta hit the sheets ... work tomorrow ... but woohoo a reason to look forward to the weekends ... no work ... can't beat that ... 

Warning: Don't read this if you are in a good mood

 Warning: Don't read this if you are in a good mood ... cause I am not for sure!! 

Life fucking sucks ... and I don't know how much more I can take of the shit that is going on ... it is amazing how many jobs I have applied for and nothing ... not even a phone call ... man I am such a hard worker ... and love working ... how can no one out there want to hire me ... 

I don't want to move in with my parents at all ... it is making me sick to my stomach thinking about it ... I love them so much but I like the buffer zone I have ... they just control everything about my life when I am living there and I can't deal with that when I am already so depressed about everything else in life ... 

fuck I am almost 30 years old ... I at least thought I would be able to fucking support myself ... at least have marketable job skills that someone could use ... ya know every day I wake up thinking it has got to get better ... but shit how long has this been going on now ... I have applied to over 50 jobs ... and nothing ... not even the pizza place has called for me to work ... and I did a good job there ... worked really hard ... 

FUCK FUCK FUCK I don't wanna move in with my mom ... not only do I know no one there I would be living AT HOME ... I don't even think I could explain how much it would fucking suck ... and the job at my dads office sucks but I can't tell them that cause I need a job ... they have no desire to support a dead beat daughter ... and since no one else wants me I pretty much need to take what I can get ... 

I was talking to my dad today and was just welling up with tears thinking about how much I don't want to do the job ... fucking cold calling customers to see if I can up their order ... I hate selling ... especially cold calling people ... I hang up when they call me ... like I wanna sit there all day and get hung up on

man I just want enough to live ... that is all I am asking for ... it isn't like I am holding out for a better paying position or something ... shit I was living on less that 23,000 it isn't like that is a hell of a lot of money ... I made so little I could apply to live in a Habitat for Humanity house ... I mean come on ... 

god I can't stop crying ... I DON'T WANT TO MOVE TO MARYLAND ... it would be different if I was going to be living on my own ... but I know what it is like when I live with my mom I have zero social life ... I don't know why I just do ... and I don't even have one friend out there ... I don't meet people now where the fuck would I meet people there ... 

I am at the point of sobbing now ... I really just feel like beating my head against the wall ... something ... anything ... what is it ... what makes me repel people ... man I tried so hard to make it out here ... and my mom wants me to go give my notice to break my lease today ... you know what a sad day it will be to go turn that letter in ... 

I truly don't know how much more of feeling like this I can take ... I am unhappy to my core ... deep deep inside ... my chest hurts thinking about it ... since I was a child everyone I have known has told me I was destined for something great ... I don't know if they were lying ... or if they built me up too much and I don't know how to accomplish anything anymore ... whatever it is my life feels like a void ... all those people who wrote to me saying "I can't wait to say I knew her when" ... shit I can't even get a minimum wage job ... maybe they were talking when I am completely down and out ... 

man I feel bad I just ignored a bunch of messages from people concerned about my well-being ... but what do I say ... oh I am bawling my fucking head off cause I feel like a complete and absolute looser ... every day I think it is going to be a bit better and I have to say every day it feels a bit worse ... 5 days into this year and I can't wait for it to be over ... and I don't even want to open my emails after I post this saying ... "Liz I can't believe no one will hire you ... or Liz it will get better it always does ... or Liz it is just a down point in your life it will look up soon" ... shit I think that every day and it isn't that way ... moving to my parents isn't a step back ... it is like falling down 60 flights of stairs ... it is like becoming a child again ... a 30 year old child ... 

sometimes ... like right now ... I wish I could just melt into nothingness!!!!

Well yesterday felt like another lazy day

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