Warning: Don't read this if you are in a good mood

 Warning: Don't read this if you are in a good mood ... cause I am not for sure!! 

Life fucking sucks ... and I don't know how much more I can take of the shit that is going on ... it is amazing how many jobs I have applied for and nothing ... not even a phone call ... man I am such a hard worker ... and love working ... how can no one out there want to hire me ... 

I don't want to move in with my parents at all ... it is making me sick to my stomach thinking about it ... I love them so much but I like the buffer zone I have ... they just control everything about my life when I am living there and I can't deal with that when I am already so depressed about everything else in life ... 

fuck I am almost 30 years old ... I at least thought I would be able to fucking support myself ... at least have marketable job skills that someone could use ... ya know every day I wake up thinking it has got to get better ... but shit how long has this been going on now ... I have applied to over 50 jobs ... and nothing ... not even the pizza place has called for me to work ... and I did a good job there ... worked really hard ... 

FUCK FUCK FUCK I don't wanna move in with my mom ... not only do I know no one there I would be living AT HOME ... I don't even think I could explain how much it would fucking suck ... and the job at my dads office sucks but I can't tell them that cause I need a job ... they have no desire to support a dead beat daughter ... and since no one else wants me I pretty much need to take what I can get ... 

I was talking to my dad today and was just welling up with tears thinking about how much I don't want to do the job ... fucking cold calling customers to see if I can up their order ... I hate selling ... especially cold calling people ... I hang up when they call me ... like I wanna sit there all day and get hung up on

man I just want enough to live ... that is all I am asking for ... it isn't like I am holding out for a better paying position or something ... shit I was living on less that 23,000 it isn't like that is a hell of a lot of money ... I made so little I could apply to live in a Habitat for Humanity house ... I mean come on ... 

god I can't stop crying ... I DON'T WANT TO MOVE TO MARYLAND ... it would be different if I was going to be living on my own ... but I know what it is like when I live with my mom I have zero social life ... I don't know why I just do ... and I don't even have one friend out there ... I don't meet people now where the fuck would I meet people there ... 

I am at the point of sobbing now ... I really just feel like beating my head against the wall ... something ... anything ... what is it ... what makes me repel people ... man I tried so hard to make it out here ... and my mom wants me to go give my notice to break my lease today ... you know what a sad day it will be to go turn that letter in ... 

I truly don't know how much more of feeling like this I can take ... I am unhappy to my core ... deep deep inside ... my chest hurts thinking about it ... since I was a child everyone I have known has told me I was destined for something great ... I don't know if they were lying ... or if they built me up too much and I don't know how to accomplish anything anymore ... whatever it is my life feels like a void ... all those people who wrote to me saying "I can't wait to say I knew her when" ... shit I can't even get a minimum wage job ... maybe they were talking when I am completely down and out ... 

man I feel bad I just ignored a bunch of messages from people concerned about my well-being ... but what do I say ... oh I am bawling my fucking head off cause I feel like a complete and absolute looser ... every day I think it is going to be a bit better and I have to say every day it feels a bit worse ... 5 days into this year and I can't wait for it to be over ... and I don't even want to open my emails after I post this saying ... "Liz I can't believe no one will hire you ... or Liz it will get better it always does ... or Liz it is just a down point in your life it will look up soon" ... shit I think that every day and it isn't that way ... moving to my parents isn't a step back ... it is like falling down 60 flights of stairs ... it is like becoming a child again ... a 30 year old child ... 

sometimes ... like right now ... I wish I could just melt into nothingness!!!!