Client Loss

So yesterday I lost a client from my web design and hosting ... and I am trying to figure out how I feel about it ...

He has been my customer since 2000 ... 9 years ... it is a long time ... I am upset about it but not as much as I thought I should be ... I lost him because I chose family over work ... which I know is always the way to go ...

He wanted a new site design which I was happy about because that would be a nice check for us and would totally help out during my maternity leave ... but he asked about it at the beginning of March ... I thought I could put it together for him faster than I was able ... I thought the new design would be finished before the new baby arrived ... it wasn't ...

March was crazy ... work was very very busy ... and I was very very pregnant and exhausted ... most nights when I got home I spent time with Schuyler and then spent time with sleep ... it was all I felt capable of doing ... on late nights I was usually still doing office work to try and get ready for my absence ...

With the construction going on and the house a total disarray I just wasn't myself ... I really figured I would have plenty of time to work on it once I was on maternity leave ... but I was wrong ...

Maternity leave with the second child is way different than with the first child ... with Skye when she slept I had plenty of time to work on things ... clean up the house ... nap ... do office work ... it was easy ... she also loved her swing ... so she was right beside me while I did the things I needed to do ...

With Linc it is totally different ... he doesn't like the swing or the bouncy seat ... and it has taken me several weeks to realize that when I am not holding him he does well in his crib ... I hate that he is away from the rest of us during the time he is asleep but it is how it is ... each child lets you know what they like and don't like ...

But when he is laying down I want to spend time with Skye ... it is a gift that I get these few precious weeks home with her ... that I get to see her more than an hour in the morning and 2 or 3 hours in the evening ... I want to soak up every available moment with her ...

So why does it feel so wrong that I didn't just put all that aside to get a customer's site done ... I took on the task I should have done it ... but his big beef was that I couldn't talk on the phone when he wanted me to ... that I wanted to communicate through e-mail and then talk after reading it ... when it was good for me ... when I didn't have screaming kids and guests and what not ... because the few times we spoke on the phone all that was going on and 5 minutes after hanging up I forgot everything he asked for ... but he is not an email person and this didn't work for him ...

I think I am a bit upset at how I found out ... he sent an email asking me to transfer his domain to GoDaddy.com ... that was it ... nothing else ...

He is a customer of ours at work ... and I know that most people find him to be a PITA ... advertisers have fired him forgoing the money because it isn't worth it ... but I on the other hand am sad to lose the money ... and a customer ...

Sad thing is in about a month I am back at work ... and he called me at work all the time because he knew when I was there and that I answer the phone ... so 9 years down the tubes because I was putting my family and their needs first ... I am proud of myself for doing ... but it doesn't make it all any easier ...

Work Problems

There are many reasons to refuse a job in a company where your father is the General Manager ... today I am experiencing one HARD CORE ... when your direct superior is being an imbecile you can't go off on him and tell him how wrong he is like you could at any other job ... and at this moment it is making me soooooooo mad I don't know what to do ...


I have NEVER had a problem speaking my mind at work ... I work hard and am quite diligent that I feel if something is wrong it is my place to say something ... but right now I am in no place to do it and it just makes me soooooo mad that I want to throw up ... I am sick to my stomach and just want to get the fuck out of here so badly ... I just don't know what I am going to do ...


and the fact that he is SO wrong ... and has taken the side of idiots and is punishing me and we are now not speaking that each minute that goes by I get more and more and more pissed off ...


I can't wait to fucking get out of here today ... I am so mad it didn't ice storm like promised because then I could have worked at home today and been happy :)

David is so kick-ass

David is so kick-ass ... he has been running his own business for a little less than a year ... he measures and installs window coverings ... well last month he applied for a job with a big company that does windows and flooring ... yesterday they called to say he got the job ... it is awesome ... company car ... great benefits ... tons of work ... and he can keep doing his stuff on the side after business hours ... how fucking cool is that ... he is just so excited ...


now I just keep reminding him ... tell them now about your honeymoon in 6 months ... make sure they know about it ... cause if I have to I will go alone ... :)

Dream Job

years and years ago when I was living with a man that told me I wouldn't amount to much I set on a path to prove him wrong ... and to make a life for myself that didn't depend on anyone ...


I sat down and figured out what I really wanted to do with my life ... I realized that I wanted to become fantastic at the computer ... and build web sites for people ... I did it for a hobby and taught myself everything so I figured I could teach myself a bit more and do it as a job ...


I took any job I was offered ... I didn't care if they couldn't pay me ... I wanted the practice and stuff for a resume ...


eventually I was offered a job in Las Vegas building porno websites for some guy ... and it paid me money ... I loved it ... who cares if I had to look at some pretty sick shit during the day ... I was getting paid for "my dream job" ...


that eventually led to a job in New York ... getting paid some pretty decent money ... and I did it all on my own ... now I was doing more than making sites ... I was helping others make theirs ... I was selling web space ... it felt wonderful ...


greedy business owners tried selling and selling again ... until most of us were fucked for a job ... and after 9/11 it was down hill from there ...


so with a new guy in tow that told me I could do anything I wanted with my life we moved to Maryland to figure that out ... I searched and wondered and made lists ... nothing came to mind ...


when we had finally hit rock bottom in the money department [that means 2 thirty-somethings living at home in the basement of my parents house and having to borrow money from my mom to go get tampons] I realized I didn't know what I wanted to do and I reluctantly took an office job at my dad's company ...


well in 3 months I will have been there a year ... and I still have no idea what my dream job is ...


I had what I thought was a dream ... but that faded ... I have no desire to work in the internet industry anymore ...


but I can't figure out what I want to do ... how do I not know ... how is there nothing driving me ...


all I know is that I really don't want to work there ... it was fine when no one knew the boss was my dad ... because I was my own person ... now I am "the boss' kid" ... I have no identity of my own ...


it would be one thing if I were paid like the boss' kid ... but I am not ... I am paid like I am doing an internship ... we are close to living hand to mouth again ... and I don't want that to happen ... but more importantly one should be happy at work ... I mean we spend so much time there ...


I think all stress comes at one time ... at least for me ... I don't get a little here and there ... I get a lot at once ...

- worrying about money

- trying to imagine a career that will make me happy

- fighting with david

- wilting like a dead flower when my mom talks about the fricken wedding

- listening to all the problems of my friends because I don't want to burden them with mine

- trying so god damn hard to loose weight

- offering support to david's new career and worrying about his happiness


I know in the scope of life they are all minor things ... there are bigger problems out there ... but when I start taking them on too I lose control ... I was always good about volunteering ... I haven't been lately ...


I guess if I could pick any job it would be doing volunteer work ... but that doesn't pay the bills ... I worked at a homeless shelter for families for years ... gave birthday parties for kids ... collected food and toiletries and clothes from anyone who would hand them over ... and I was always happy there ... and I have spent countless hours helping to build homes for people ... finding restaurants to donate lunches for the workers or just making them myself ... I got my dad so excited his company donates all the window coverings for the Habitat homes ...


ok I think I turned my mind around ... I think I need to go back out and do stuff for others and my complaints will fall into place ... because I know my problems are trivial ... I know there is bigger stuff out there ... and I feel guilty even moaning ... but sometimes it is just a bit of moaning that gets me out of my funk ...


but I am still leaving the new black and gray design ... I like the poutyness of it ... :)

So Many Resumes

i wish there was something i could do for david ... he is just so upset ... he wants a job so badly ... and to help him i want him to have a job ... it isn't necessary we are doing quite alright ... but it is making him crazy and i know it would do so much for him to be working ... a part of me is selfish ... i love being able to see him all day and we can do whatever we want whenever we want ... but today i think he has hit a low ... and there isn't a thing i can do ... i can just be here if he wants to talk ...


i went out at about 7 to get coffee for the two of us ... he was working on something on his computer ... i was also stopping at CVS to see if they happen to have Scatagories so we could play tonight ... when i got home at 7:45 david was already sound sleep ... he didn't even awake when i told him i was home with coffee ... now it is 1:15 AM and he is still asleep ...


he applied to 10 jobs yesterday ... and just wants to hear back from any of them ... i am at a loss as to what to do now ... he has probably over the last several months applied to over 350 jobs online ... and about 4 months ago we also printed out i think 200 copies of his resume and mailed them to every company in the area and heard nothing ... we have gone to 3 job placement companies and no calls ... and i am telling you he is incredable talented ... he is amazing on the computer and is self taught ... he has the greatest skills and ability to work anywhere ... he is the type of person that could take a job not knowing the program they use and by the end of the day have not only mastered the program but has suggestions as to how to make it better ... it is just such a shitty situation ...


i was thinking today that i should get a job as a secretary or administrative assistant so that he could go back to school ... i know we tried this once before but at the time we just didn't have the money and we didn't know when he would be getting financial aid ... but we could work it so that he could start in the next semester ... and i know how much he would love to go back to school and get a degree in Computer Information Systems ... but i think it would really bother him if i were the one working again and he wasn't ... he has never in his life gone this long without working and i know it is stressing him out to no end ... but i would be more than happy to work and help him get through school ... i love him ... i adore him ... it would only make me happy to help him ...

Quotes

i am kinda nervous ... i have to quote this guy for a design job ... and my dad is the one that sent him to me cause they company that was running his site stopped doing it ... no one knows how much they were paying ... i can't get access to the old site ... so i have nothing to work with here ... and it is making me nuts ... i don't want to undercharge him and wind up doing tons of work that i don't get paid for ... but i also don't want to gauge him on prices ... ahhhhh who know ... i just called him and left a message so maybe that will go somewhere ... maybe he can fill in some of the holes on this whole project ... we'll see ...

Taking Some Time

you know it is nice being unemployed ... even though i am not really unemployed yet ... i am still checking my work mail and helping people ... till they shut off my computer at work ...


i have gotten all my old journals put back together ... i used to run a webcam site and along with that was an online journal ... i moved around a lot between 1999 and 2001 ... but i kept it steady most months ...


now i am working on my photo albums ... there is a lot of work there ... but for like a year now i haven't ever felt like working on it ... but now that i have all this time i am really enjoying working on sites ...


and i found a new host for my server, so i am working on getting that all moved and set up ...


and our DSL came back on tonight ...


i was ready to find a job immediately ... but i think i am going to enjoy not having a job for at least a little while ... i kinda need it ... too many emotions going on right now ...

Severance

well i just called kris and checked my account balance and i have officially been laid off ... my severance pay was in there ... i can't believe i don't work there anymore ... damn ... that is amazing ...

My Own Advice

i am kinda freaking out here ... i can't believe the job i moved out here for ... the job where i met david ... is over ... i really thought i would have that job till i deceided not to work anymore ... i mean we used to be above a day care center ... i already saw myself planning for children ... and the way things are going in life right now i may never have a child ... let alone get married ... and these are two things i would really like to experience ... and now i am unemployeed ... i see how bummed out david is about not having a job ... shit with both of us here ... isn't that going to bum him out even more ... oh shit i need to stop thinking about it ... maybe just enjoy this time i have to myself ... i keep telling david to do that ... maybe i need to take my own advice ... :)

Money Train

well that is it ... my job is over ... i have been laid off ... no more going into the city ... no more crying at my desk ... and eventually no more fighting about my boss with david ... that is what i am most looking forward to ... i am so tired of the two of us fighting about him ... i can't stand how much anger david has built up ... and there is nothing i can do to help him release it ...


but for right now ... i have to figure out what i am going to do with my life ... david and i both need to get jobs ... and soon ... i have one more paycheck coming to me and then the money train will have left the station ...

The Divorce

i was a terrible friend tonight and i am not quite sure how to make up for it

tracy had people over for her birthday and i didn't go ... i just couldn't ... david wasn't going to go with me cause there were going to be too many people there from work that he didn't want to see ... and i just couldn't spend the night talking about work ... i just couldn't ... the thought made me sick to my stomach ...


i woke up feeling terribly ill this morning ... i am grinding my teeth like a bastard and i am now waking up with migraines ... and my arm in total pain ... i saw tracy online first thing and we were chatting about work ... and i just started crying and getting sick to my stomach ... typing about it now is making me queazy ... she stated it well today ... 'it is like going through a divorce' ... that is just how i feel ... a terrible nasty divorce where i just want to get the hell out of there and i don't care about getting any of my shit ... i want a fresh new start ...


i want david and i to be happy ... and to have jobs we love ... i want to get away from this hell and have it behind the two of us ... we stand a pretty great chance if we can wade through the misery

The 14th

september 14, 2001 ... that is the day ... just knowing that i felt better ... for the next 8 days it is going to feel like the night before christmas when i just want to wake up and have it be christmas morning and see all the groovy stuff Santa has left me ... i don't know how i am going to last ...


and every moment that goes by ... and with every fucking work email i get ... i am happier and happier the end is near ... that place has made me so depressed and unhappy ...


i would like to take a little break ... do stuff around the house ... and start working out and get rid of some of this depression weight i have put on ... i need to start feeling better about myself ... it isn't fair to me or david to just slip into whatever is happening to me because of a fucked up shitty job ...


it is so sad ... it has taken away my love for working within the internet industry ...

Postal

man i don't know what i would do without david ... he is so fucking awesome ... listening to my bitching and moaning about how horrible my job is ... even though he quit this company 6 months ago and would probably rather never hear anything about them again ...


well they haven't fired me yet today which is a bummer ... every morning i wake up with a horrible headache from grinding my teeth so much ... and i pray today is the day they let me go ... but it is like they know i don't want to be here anymore so it is more fun to keep me here and watch me suffer ...


they are measuring our outbound calls now cause we are supposed to start calling people ... i have zero for yesterday since i wasn't here and today i have zero as well since kris is out of the office i have no one to call ... i have already told them i am not becomming a telemarketer ... to let me go ... cause i would have never taken this job if i knew i was going to have to harrass people for business ... and the leads they give me are rediculous ...


ACK FUCK THIS WHOLE FUCKING PLACE


i have become numb ... i have no feeling but hatred in me right now ... and for such a peaceful person it is bad having so much hate ... i just wanna cry all day ... i see why people go postal ... it is a horrible thing to do ... but i am beginning to understand ...

Stepford Worker

OK I sooooo need to go to bed ... but once again ... i am feeling kinda sick to my stomach cause i don't wanna go to work tomorrow ...


today i slept on the train from the second i sat down ... and it was like instinct to feel sick the second the train pulled into Penn ... i mean my eyes were closed and i knew i was there ...


I would say the only good thing about work is Tracy ... and today she got another job offer ... and as soon as it is final ... that is it ... i am stuck in that hell hole alone ... i gotta find something before she gives notice ... otherwise i look like a fucking looser pushover that couldn't get another job so i am stuck there ... and to management that means you can be pushed around ...


i am like a stepford worker ... i feel like a drone there ... i can't even smile any more ... it is painfully obvious that i don't want to be there ... which can't help my position ...


it is too bad i wasn't able to quit the moment they insulted me with my raise ... i didn't even get half of what i asked for and today they gave a guy double that ... we had to go through and put all our names on our accounts ... i have more than any other sales person there ... more than 1/3 more than the next higher person ... and still i am paid less than everyone else ...


what is it that makes me easily fuckable in work situations ... fuck fuck fuck


i don't want to go there anymore ... it is ripping every part of self esteem i have ...


i am glad david is asleep cause i am bawling now ... and he hates to see me like this about work ... since he hates them enough already ...


the little bit i slept last night was filled with nightmares ... i haven't had bad dreams since i was a kid ...


and now tracy is leaving ... and i am going to be stuck in hell ... pure fucking hell ...


man i pay way too much for a shithole of a house ... david is depressed about not working and i am wallowing in depression about where i have to work ... and to top it off kramer is really sick ... david had to take him to the vet today and he has a virus ... the poor thing lost so much weight ... and keeps throwing up ... he feels so tiny when he is sitting in my lap ... i can feel every bone in his body ...


i know that we have to have bad in order to appreciate the good ... but where is the good ... david and i are good people ... i want just a little for us ... i want him to be happy ... and to feel good about himself ... i want us to be able to have a stress free day where we can truly enjoy each others company ...


well i guess i should lay down and dread the morning for a while ... starting to get used to the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach ... :(

Rage

work has gotten worse and worse and worse ... it is like pure dread when i wake up in the morning ... because i just hate being there so much ... i have started staying up later and later each night cause i know that postpones the next day ... and on the weekend i don't want to go to bed cause i want my time away from work to last as long as possible ...


one of the worst feelings in the world is hating your work ... you spend so much time there it shouldn't be a place that makes you sick to your stomach ... that instills so much rage ... it just shouldn't be like that ...


i miss the days that i looked forward to going to work ...

My Old Job

there was a brief moment when i thought looking for a job would be fun and exciting ... i mean come on i am in new york ... and there are so many groovy companies out here to choose from ... but i am sad my job is ending ... i really really loved this job ... i saw myself doing it for years ... i loved the people i worked with ... my customers ... and the work i was doing ...


I WANT MY OLD JOB BACK!!!!!!!


why are they changing a good thing ... and why don't i have the money to start my own adult web host ... i don't need to make a ton of money ... i just want to be happy at work ... and i want to make enough money so that i don't have to worry in life and i can put a little bit away ...


i want david and i to be able to get a house ... and build a home together ...

fuck i want us to have enough money to go to a fricken movie once in a while ...


i work so hard and it is all slipping away ... i am loosing my job and there is nothing i can do about it ... sure i could stay with this company and either hate my life or sink with the ship ... but i DON'T WANT TO WORK THERE ANYMORE ... i no longer like the people i work with ... and i am not happy about their practices ... i am too fucking talented and hard working to stay somewhere where i am underpaid ... and have to do things i don't like ...


fuck i want this nightmare to end ...

Four and a Half

the commute is mind numbing ... i leave my house each morning at 7AM and i get to work at 9:25 ... then I leave each day at 5 PM and get home around 7 PM ... I spend 4.5 hours a day commuting ... at the end of the week that is like having a part time job ... except i don't get anything done ... i don't know how people spend their life doing this ... i doubt i will last that long ...

The Merge

i kept waiting to write ... hoping i could make a positive entry ... but alas i fear if i wait till i have something positive to say i may never write again ...


so i have spent the week comuting to the city ... fucking sucks is the best way to put it ... now i believe it would make a difference if i loved the job here ... but that fucking sucks even more ... the people that were in this office that we moved in with bite ... they are back stabbing liers ... that are doing everything they can to make us look bad and get us fired ... and we are helpless to do anything ... our boss doesn't give a shit anymore ... and the 4 of us from LI are just sitting ducks with nothing to do ... they have sales meetings without us ... they make up things about it ... it is unbelieveable ... you would never know we worked for the same company ...

The Change

it has been a weird couple of days ...

the impending office move is really shaking up my world

i am dreading the commute ... BIG TIME

i have been stressed about money issues with the move

and my new job ...


why are they giving me a different job when i really do love what i do now ...

i may not always love the people i work with but i sure do love the job i am doing ...


today i had to pack up everything at my desk that i wanted to send to the city

my cube looks pitiful ...


tomorrow they take down our computers ...

i don't know what we are going to do on friday ...


fuck it is all just too much for me to handle ...

worst part ... the people making the decisions have NO IDEA what they are putting people through ... our entire lives are being changed ... everything we are used to ... the life we love to lead is being changed ...


fucking 3 hours a day traveling to and from work ... fucking sucks cock if you ask me ...

My Crown

my crown is so beautiful ... it is sitting on my monitor here at home just waiting to be put on ... i can hardly wait to get to work today ... this is so fucking funny i was laughing in my sleep last night from the anticipation ...


i deceided to go in the front door today instead of our back entrance so i could walk around the office ... waving like a princess and saying hello to everyone ... it really is just priceless ... what a great spin to put on such a stupid comment ... i am so glad i left the office yesterday and thought about it instead of just blowing up at him ...


i just can't stop smiling thinking about it ... ohhhhh fuck yea!!!!