Sad - more than I thought

Well D dropped Curly Top off at my parents house before I got home from work so we could do the whole cat thing without her ... she wouldn't have known what was going on really but it just made the whole process easier ...

Now I was ready to let him go ... up until I got home ... then I started to question our choice ... but at the same time I knew it had to be done ...

I easily loaded him in his carrier ... he cried and meowed all the way there ... and pissed in the car ...

once they saw him and heard he was violent towards our child they told me he would have to be put down ... they weren't going to try and get him adopted ... I told them I agreed with that assessment ...

and then I started crying ...

I may have never been that close to him because he never liked me ... but it was still very sad ... knowing I had to make this choice for another living creature ...

The guy at the shelter was so so so nice about it ... if you bumped into him on the street you would have thought he was some bad-ass rough and tough guy ... when truly he stood there in front of me with a heart of gold ...

I just lost it as I turned to walk to the door ...

the house was weird without him ... no one at the door as we came in from the backyard ... no begging for food during dinner ... no scratching on the bedroom door during the night ... no one bugging me for food first thing in the morning ...

I know I agreed to no more pets but I don't know how long I will last ... I love having a cat in the house ...

Granted the money we will be saving will be helpful ...

but a loving cat that wants to be around you and cuddle ... is so very nice ...

I am actually just missing Harley all over again and he has been gone for 9 years now ...

No pets allowed

That will be our house this evening ... and I am sad an relieved all at the same time ...

See years ago I had the best cat in the world ... his name was Ed Harley ... all black ... and he picked me ... I loved him more than I thought it was possible to love an animal ... he got cancer when he was 10 and I had to put him down ... I cried for 3 days before I took him in and 3 days after ... it just broke my heart ...

When Harley was about 8 I was living with a guy and we took in a stray ... she was pregnant and had a whole mess of screwy cats ... I wound up with one of them when we split up ... his name is Kramer and he has NEVER liked me all that much ... he for sure wasn't Harley ... pretty much hated most people ... my parents still question the existance of him because he is always hiding ... except the first time I brought my husband home ... jumped right in his lap ... almost swallowed my tongue I was so shocked ...

Well Kramer has NEVER liked curly top (could be a girl thing) ... in fact he has taken to hissing at her violently ... which does NOT go over well in our house ... and the poor girl just wants to love the cat ... it was one of her very first words ... she looks for him all the time ... even if he won't get close to her ...

Well this past weekend he lunged at her when hissing instead of running away ... then it turns out he has taken to pissing on her stuff ... yea no we are not having any of that ... he has just become more horrible that he used to be ... he is old ... 11 years old ... and none of us can handle the disharmony in the house anymore ...

Curly Top also has her big girl bed now so her door is left open with a gate ... I caught Kramer eyeing the gate to see if he could jump it ... I am not risking it ... I will always pick my kid over a pet ...

so tonight he is getting put down ...

I know I should feel more sad ... but I don't ... I have worried about how he is with her ... and he has never connected with me ever (and this cat was born in my bed while I was asleep so you think there would be some connection if I had to experience the grossness of that) ...

And although I really think Curly Top is a pet person and she would be thrilled to have a pet that loves her and wants to cuddle with her and be around her ... Husband is just out of the mode of having a pet ... he doesn't want one until it can be taken care of by someone other than him ... so I agreed ... we can be pet free for the next couple of years ...

At least the farms of pet hair that spring up all over the house will be gone ...

until the next little creature wanders into our lives ...

Thought about writing

All weekend I thought about writing here and yet never opened the window ... in fact I hardly used my computer ... I spent every moment I could hanging out with curly top ... and we had a great time ...

My friend Amy posted this on our message board:
http://threesneakybugs.wordpress.com/2008/03/23/making-a-felt-board/
and I decided it was the perfect time to make it ...

Now we don't have a dedicated playroom ... our family room holds everything it possibly can ... so I bought a frame like the posted project but also bought some foam core board ... turned out that was a good idea because there wasn't a single space for me to mount the frame anywhere ... and curly top can carry the boards around and create anywhere she wants ...

Well she absolutely loves it ... played with it off and on all weekend ... kept grabbing the big pieces of felt and asking for "more more more" ... so we kept cutting new shapes and things all weekend ... and I still have a ton of felt ... so I think it will be a growing collection ...

I miss being able to do projects ... I felt like the only reason I could was because my event had been cancelled this weekend ... and it was my first somewhat free time in what feels like forever ... I still have the lingering wonder of why I do it ... maybe one day that question will be answered ...

The Perfect Gift

For almost 9 years now I have tried so hard to get my husband the perfect gift ...

I think the pressure started our first Christmas together ... we had only know each other a very short time and he got me the best gift I had ever gotten ... it will sound silly ... but it was an awesome bubble lamp ... tall lamp for the corner filled with water ... light changes colors and bubble swirled through it ... I cried ... not while he was still there but after he left ... I couldn't believe that in just 2 weeks he got me something that I loved so much ...

never have I gotten him something he loved ...

in fact I've wound up selling lots of the stuff I got him on eBay ... or it sits in the closet ...

Well his birthday is coming up in like a week and a half and he has given me no indication as to what he wants ... so again I am struggling to find the perfect gift ... that I can also afford ...

otherwise I would buy him a Cobra and never buy anything else ever again ...

Crazy Tired

You know that point when you are so tired you start seeing things ... you aren't sure if you are awake or asleep ... eyes go crossed without realizing it is happening ... and you see stars like you are a cartoon character who just got hit on the head ...

I am past that point at this moment ... and it is only 2:37 in the afternoon ... I still have 2.5 hours of work left ... then the forever drive home ... then the regular things of our nightly routine and I am guessing another night of a child who is boycotting sleep ...

I understand she isn't at a job during the day ... unless you consider the life of a child a job ... working hard at learning new things ... playing in the backyard ... painting ... bathing ... eating ... yes those are her tasks for her job ... but she is boycotting naps too ... she is getting less than 5 hours of sleep a day ... she is 2 ... she is supposed to be getting crazy sleep like 12 to 14 hours a day ... 5 shouldn't be cutting it for her ... cause the 2.5 I am averaging isn't cutting it for me and I can pump myself full of coffee all damn day ...

I am at the point of involuntary crying at my desk ... the exhaustion is just too much for me ... you would think I would be used to this ... I mean 5 hours a night for me is bliss ... that is what I run on ... how is cutting that in half killing me ...

I could totally curl up on the nasty floor under my desk and sleep soundly ... if only ...

Big Girl Bed

So today daddy set up the big girl bed for curly top ... and he waited until I got home for her to see it which made me want to cry ... I was just so happy ... and he washed her new "melmo" sheets and comforter so it was all ready to go ...

well she just loved it ... ran right in to her bed and just looked tickled ... then she helped me put together her nightstand and put all her "B's" (binkies) in the drawer ... she seemed so excited for bedtime ...

Curly Top's Big Girl Bed

that wasn't the case though after bedtime rolled around ... she lasted about 13 minutes before the screaming started and wanting to get out ... not wanting to be in her room ... and neither of us could take it again tonight ... we are exhausted ... we need sleep ... and she needed something to keep her occupied till she passed out ...

Hello Kermit the Frog and all your muppet friends ... and thank goodness for portable DVD players ... I told her she was only allowed to watch the movie if she didn't get out of bed ... and even dropping her water didn't get her off the bed ... (i watched on the camera) ... and now she is happily passed out laying sideways on her big girl bed ... and I'm going to catch some Z's of my own before she figures out she fell asleep ...

Week 105

Well at one time I had a fabulous blog recording each week of my daughter's life. The things we did ... the fun we had ... all that she had learned ... I made it to week 47. Yesterday was her 2nd birthday ... that makes it 104 weeks ... I've obviously missed some stuff ...

So maybe I wasn't meant to blog every week ... maybe I just need to do it as I think about it ... as long as I make sure I make the time ... one day she will like this ... I am sure of it ... and so will her future sibling(s) ... so at week 105 I am trying again ...

I will say I miss out on lots of stuff ... being at work sucks ... but she is at home with her daddy ... and he has the unique privilege of experiencing so much with her ... they are both luckier than they realize ...

she has been saying "daddy" for what seems like a year now ... probably 8 months ... just about a month ago she actually said "mommy" ... it was sweet music ... she can say it 9000 times in a row and I don't tire of it ...

her big thing right now is asking "what's that" ... she can point to the same thing and say "what's that" for 2 hours straight and I'll keep answering her ... because that means I actually got to spend two whole hours with her ...

today her and her daddy went and bought a big girl bed ... and are at home right now setting it up ... I wish I could have been with her when she picked out her "Melmo" sheets ... and loaded it all in the car ... I would love to be there screwing the whole thing together and setting up her new big girl room ... but unfortunately I'll have to settle for seeing it all once I get home ...

right now they are the two most important people in my life ... and I let them know that each and every day ... maybe one day through the words I put here they will see I cherished everything about them ...