Before I start

 May 13, 1999

Before I start ... a friend reminded me that I really need to let loose and forget about the fact that people are reading this ... even the people I am writing about ... so I am working harder at doing that ... ack ... here goes ...

oh and fair warning ... this is going to be a long entry ... {there I go I say I am going to not think about the fact that people are reading this and then warn you it is going to be long ... yea I am doing great so far ... hahahahaaa}

What a day I had yesterday ... so much so that I couldn't even write about it ... even though there was so much I was going to write about ... I don't even remember what happened in the morning ... all I remember is what happened once I left work ...

I took the tram to my car after work ... and a total cutie sat next to me ... and actually stuck up a conversation with me ... which no one ever seems to do on the tram ... and I kept thinking ... shit how can I tell him about my site ... and as we passed the dorms there was one room with an "open 24 hours" neon sign ... and he said ... wow I bet they don't have any privacy living there ... and I realized that was it ... I said "well at my house there really isn't any privacy ... I have a live web cam running when I am at home" ... and gave him my web cam card ... he asked me all sorts of questions about how and why I set it up ... told me he would check it out ... and ending with a ... "you're weird" in a funny voice ... I am getting bolder by the second ...

But then I came home to find out my damn phone was turned off ... I have been fighting with MCI for months about overcharging me ... and it turns out they denied my claim and shut off my phone ... and wanted me to pay $1000 ... yea like I have that much ... what a joke ... so I called my brother ... who kicks some serious ass ... and after 4 hours he had MCI adjust my credit claim ... and the phone company ready to turn my phone back on ... he was so swift with the people ... and I certainly was soooo thankful ...

But I was still bummed out that I couldn't be on the computer ... they said it would take from 2 to 24 hours ... I couldn't believe that time range ... and I must have checked 100 times ... the stupid message was killing me ... I felt so bad that I couldn't change my message on my site ... because I am so good about getting home when I say I will be ... and I didn't want people to worry ... but what I think bummed me out the most was that I wasn't going to get to talk to my friend Clint ... our evening conversations are usually the best part of my day ... talking to him makes me feel fantastic ... he has an amazing soul ... is quite kind ... and I learned last night I look more forward to talking to him than I realized ...

but I did get so much done ... since I couldn't be on the computer ... I finally put away all my laundry ... totally cleaned my kitchen ... went through my bills ... all the stuff I have been meaning to do ... but couldn't pull myself away from the computer to do ... all the while checking my phone line ...

at 11 I decided to go through all the pics on the computer and work on a new gallery ... it wasn't as much fun not having the cam on ... but I got so much more done ... and at midnight my cell phone rang ... I was sure it was my mom ... but to my delight it was Clint ... making sure everything was alright ... it really may not have been a big deal ... but god it was sooooo cool ... and made me so happy ... we talked for a while and I totally enjoyed it ... a part of me worried our conversation flow might not happen when we weren't on the computer ... or that he might feel somewhat obligated to talk to me when we were on the computer ... but it didn't feel like that at all ... and he wouldn't call to make sure everything was alright if it was that way ...  I think I actually worry cause in the past ... when I have wanted to meet someone ... the longer we wait ... for some reason the worse it turns out ... maybe expectations  get heightened about the other person over time ... I am not saying this is going to happen ... but I do worry ... cause I have met many people from online ... and I promised myself I wasn't going to push to meet ... cause I HATE when people do that to me ...

enough of this ... I went to a temp agency today ... and everyone there was so cool ... and they told me I had the best test scores they had seen in a long time ... that I would have a job in no time ... even asked me where I would like to work ... which rocked ... so hopefully next week I will be making some cash ... cause to say I really needed money would be a complete understatement ... I am desperate ...

I met a really cool chick online today from Melbourne Australia ... where Kate and Fiona live ... we have been talking all day and she is totally cool ... ICQ rocks cause you can talk to people from all over ... more so than any other service ...

well I made these bitchen star wars magnets ... and they came out great ... and my brother called tonight and wants me to paint a new shelf for him for his kitchen ... I made some for his bedroom and he loved them ... so I am excited ... I get excited about any art project ...

ok I think I got everything out that has been on my mind ... of course I can always write more ... but man did I write enough tonight ... schwooooo!!

I wanted to write in my journal yesterday

 

May 12, 1999

I wanted to write in my journal yesterday but just never seemed to get around to it ... I donated blood yesterday ... and it wasn't too bad at all ... I felt a little naucious later in the day but that is probably cause I hadn't eaten all day ... but I did get a groovy button that says "Is my first time" ... I am thinking I will have to start wearing that out on dates ... hahahaaa ... sad how easily I crack myself up ... During the day I talked to my friends Joey and Clint about my internet cafe idea and they had even more great input ... and one being a great hospitality guy and the other a fantastic computer guy ... I just need to find someone with money and we are all set ... I am going to call to make an appointment to see the building today ... I got a letter from my stats company today and they said a server has been down and that is why my hits were so reduced ... I was so glad to hear that cause I just thought everyone had gotten tired of my site ... my post office box is still empty ... not even anything from my dad yet ... the guy at the post office tells me to calm down ... I haven't even had it a week yet ... but it is still a bummer to drive over there and open an empty box ... my friend Dale thinks I should do some promotion for big donations ... hahahaa ... he was cracking me up ... like for a certain amount we go to coffee or dinner ... I told him I think people just like watching the site ... I doubt they wanna hang out too ... Not having two phone lines is starting to make me insane ... I am about to give up on the cable modem idea and look into something else ... even if it is just a second phone line ... but I want the speed for the computer too ... they just can't give me any sort of date ... which could be forever from now!! I spent the evening looking for jobs again ... but didn't find too many that interested me ... I also had a fabulous conversation with a friend about how important it is to give back to the world ... what is the purpose of our life otherwise ... he has an amazing soul and I enjoy our conversations immensely!! They are such a fantastic way to end my days ... and besides it is fun watching someone else's cam as we talk ... the internet just rocks!! I truly can't imagine my life without it ... I still have yet to do anything about my laundry ... and it is more wrinkled than ever ... and I spent my quarters yesterday at Starbucks ... so tonight I resolve to do something about it ... cause it is actually starting to bug me now ... I was thinking of having a bunch of friends over for a spaghetti dinner this weekend ... I haven't had friends over in so long ... and I figure I make tons of spaghetti and everyone can bring the rest ... course then I would need to clean my house again ... I have been neglecting it a bit ... but I think it would be worth it ... I will start calling and see if everyone is free ... It is Wednesday and would be my favorite night of TV ... but I think "its like ... you know" isn't on tonight ... but there is still South Park ... hahahahaaa I just hope it isn't a repeat again ... Well I should be getting ready for work now ... ack!! I wish I didn't have to go in today ... but then I think that everyday!!

The weekend was pretty cool

 May 9, 1999

The weekend was pretty cool ... not all that I had hoped for but I had a great time ... hanging out with my parents was cool ... we went to Jerry's Deli and the matzo ball soup was excellent ... {smile} ... and I had just plain fun hanging out with them ... as I was going to sleep last night I was talking to my mom and I said, "Its weird ... this is the first time in a while that I have gone to bed without the camera on." ... and she said, "well I can sit here and stare at you so you feel like you were at home." I was cracking up ... I had trouble falling asleep cause I kept cracking up ... this morning we went and looked at houses to get more ideas for the house my parents are building ... there were some beautiful model homes ... I am excited for my parents house to be finished being built ... but it won't be for like a year ... so I guess I will have to wait ...

While we were out I checked my messages ... and my friend that was coming over to watch a movie tonight left me a message ... Dana Plato died of an overdose this weekend ... and I had just seen her in a pretty good soft core porn movie called Different Strokes ... and that he had to cancel for tonight ... I was soooooo disappointed ... it did reaffirm my faith in karma ... there have been plenty of times I have cancelled meeting someone online ... so it was coming back to me ... but I was very excited to meet him and had been looking quite forward to it ... I am really just hoping that it isn't cause he doesn't want to meet me but that he just couldn't tonight ... I guess we will just have to wait and see ... I am definitely not going to push it though ... he is aware I want to meet him ... and if he wants to well then we will ...

Tomorrow night I am having dinner with a golfer from palm springs that I have been talking to for several months ... he has been up here before and I have had to cancel (see the karma working there) ... so when he told me he was going to be up this way tomorrow we decided to go to dinner ... and I am going to do my best not to cancel this time ... he is a golfer and just returned from a big tournament where he got 5th so it can be a little celebration ... {smile}

I gave my dad my LizLive business card and I saw him put the P.O. Box number in his palm pilot ... so if luck is with me ... he will send me a donation ...

my house seems to be a mess again ... I did my laundry Friday night and didn't fold it like I should have ... so it is all wrinkled . . . and in the laundry basket ... so I will probably either spend forever ironing ... or do it again ... ohhh I hate when I get lazy about laundry ... I have been really good lately ... but not this weekend ...

one cool note ... I went shopping Friday night (something I hate to do but I needed some new clothes) and everything I got was a size smaller ... can't beat that !!!

well I drank a little too much tonight while going through photos for the gallery ... I had wanted to put a new one up tonight before I went to bed ... but I am just too tired ... and I probably shouldn't write anymore tonight ... I know that buzzed writing isn't always coherent writing ...

What a groovy day I have had

 May 7, 1999

What a groovy day I have had ... and today is the birthday of one of my best friends from childhood ... I haven't talked to Ashley in a long time but I do get pictures of her children from time to time ... and update letter each year ... and every may 7th she is on my mind ...

So I stopped by Starbucks on the way to work and he was working today ... when I walked in he waved and said hello ... and I stood there with my hand in my pocket holding my business card ... debating what to do ... there were lots of people in line ... and several people working ... but he was making coffee and not working the register ... so to give it to him would have been a pretty big deal ... I just didn't know how I was going to do it ... so I just smiled ... got my coffee ... and wished him a fantastic day ... and to be honest I was really happy that is all I did ... I really am too known there to go balls out ... when I stopped by on my way home there were a ton of people in line ... and he wasn't working anymore ... but what made me realize I am too known there ... my drink was made way before I even got to the front of the line ... they know me ... and what I drink ... and another guy working said ... you are here every day that I work ... are you also here on the days I don't ... I just laughed and said ... honey I am here even before you get to work ... so I will just enjoy the view when my cutie is working ... and whatever happens happens ...

Work was pretty groovy ... several people came into my office today telling me they heard of my site and had checked it out ... they all had funny grins on their face ... and all the women in the business office discovered my site today and were just tripping out ... and cracking up ... Brenda just loved the wav of my laugh and couldn't stop playing it ... she wants me to send it so she can have it on her computer for bad days ... to use as a little pick me up ...

Believe it or not I actually have plans this weekend ... what a trip ... tomorrow I am going down to Newport for the night ... and hang out with my parents ... and Sunday I have a friend coming over to watch a movie ... I can't remember the last time I did so much on a weekend ... I usually just spend it working and working and working ... and my big Friday night plans ... laundry ... woooohooooo ... can't get much more exciting than that ... and I may even work on the mind boggling puzzle my brother sent me ... since forming the border I have yet to find 2 pieces that fit together ...

Well I thought I had a ton to write when I was on my way home from work ... but I guess not ... maybe my mind is in a funk right now ... I am going to start my laundry ... clean up a bit ... and then maybe write a little more ... god I should have done some grocery shopping ... I have nothing in this house ...

Well I did something last night that I kinda wish I hadn't

 

May 6, 1999

Well I did something last night that I kinda wish I hadn't ... of the two guys out there that I would love to go out with ... I told one ... which just makes me feel kinda weird now ... I don't know why ... I just do ... his reaction ... mentioning a big show he is going to later this month ... which even though in the paragraph right above this I said if he did ask me out I wouldn't say no ... but to that I did ... it is a group he is crazy for ... and I have tried that before ... taking someone to a concert for a group I totally dig and it just doesn't mesh well if they don't feel the same ... and it is hard to have a really good time ... besides I didn't know if his reaction was to be nice ... or if he is genuinely interested in meeting me ... ack!! So I figured if I did that ... I might as well try something with the Starbucks guy ... I think today if he is working when I stop to get my coffee ... I am gonna give him my card ... I mean why the hell not ... So job contacts have been pouring in from my friends ... god they all rock!!! ... today I got some from FOX studios ... which could be cool ... I will really do anything that makes me some money ... cause I think tonight I am gonna have to ask my parents for some ... and I hate doing that so much ... I just feel like I let them down when I do ... this time when I start to make some money I am going to utilize my best friend who is a financial planner ... to help me out ... so I won't be broke again ... My house is all clean ... looking pretty spiffy ... and I didn't just throw everything in the closets and under the bed ... I really cleaned up ... my parents will love it I am sure ... especially cause when we all went to my brothers place it was a disaster ... so at least in comparison I look like the neat one for once ... hahahaa what a joke ... I want to leave the camera on when they come over ... but I am not sure how they will feel about that ... although if it is aimed at my desk the only way they will be in a shot is if they actually sit here ... and I don't see that happening ... well I don't have too much more time to write ... I have to go pick up my P.O. box number ... hustle to work ... and then it is home to meet the P's ... hahahhaaa ... what a day ... at least they are staying in Newport tonight so they don't wanna leave too late ... and I am going down Saturday night to spend the night with them and be there for Mother's Day ... there will be a huge sigh of relief when I sign on tonight ... {smile}   Man I have the coolest family ever!! They loved my apartment and after I had giving them the tour ... and we were all sitting down talking ... I said ... ok I gotta tell you all something ... and my brother said "you're gay" ... and I said ... "yes that's it" ... everyone's faces looked strange for a moment ... and I said ..."noooooo but now this is going to be easier than I thought ... I started a live web cam ... and it is on whenever I am at home" ... I told them how several guys I know told me how hard it would be and that I couldn't do it myself ... and when I asked for help ... they implied they would help for sexual favors ... and how upsetting that was ... so much so that I just decided to figure it out one night on my own ... and how easy it was ... and it didn't take me long ... and how it has grown in the month it has been up ... I told them the gallery was filled with cleavage shots ... and the camera catches me in my undies and stuff ... and they were cool ... in fact my dad said ... well now you gotta make money from it ... man they rock!!! Although they did joke it was a soft core porn site ... dinner was totally fun and I am so glad everyone got to be out here at the same time ... we also talked about me leaving school and they were supportive of that too ... my dad helping me figure out how to find a job that I would totally love ... and that if I tried it out here for a while and just didn't find what I was looking for I could always work in Maryland at his office ... he has a woman at his office that is an amazing at customer service person and I could train with her and learn the business ... eventually combining that and computers ... ohhhhh it was a fantastic evening ... and my mom brought me a great mug from the Reagan library with a great quote ... "There is no limit to what a man can do or where he can go... if he doesn't mind who gets the credit" ... Ronald Reagan and some cool candles from Mexico ... well I got my post office box today ... the guy was sooooo cool ... I thanked him for doing it so quickly and not making me wait a week ... and he said it was cause I smiled so wonderfully ... and he said if I were ever nervous or anything about going to the box alone ... to just let him know ... just so sweet ... oh and the Starbucks guy wasn't working today ... so I didn't give him my card ... its a shame too cause I was actually done up today ... my mom loves me in make-up so I actually wore it all day ... did my hair ... everyone at work asked me what the special occasion was ... I talked to dawn last night ... her new job sounds wonderful ... and jye is doing great ... she is bring me more pictures to put up on his baby book site ... but I have to say I miss her so much ... work isn't the same without her there ... I need my dawn fix ... I need her laugh to feed mine and vice versa ... hopefully soon we will get the chance to hang out ... and I need to see little jye ... he is the only baby I know that I have been around since gestation ... that is an experience I will always treasure ... hearing about it right after she found out ... and being there every step of the way ... being at the hospital all during labor ... and outside of his mom and dad and the doctor ... being the first to see the angel ... it is something I will treasure forever ... life is feeling soooo good ... I must definitely savor the feeling ... besides since my family came my house is totally clean ... gotta love that ... hope the good feeling and the clean house last for a while ... I should have company over while everything is clean ... hummmm gotta work on that ...

Well it is yet another morning I am sitting here crying

 

May 4, 1999

Well it is yet another morning I am sitting here crying ... god I hate hate hate hate hate school ... my parents are finally back in the country so I called my mom this morning bawling ... she thinks I should drop out of school ... if it is something I want to finish I eventually will ... but right now it is killing ... I get sick to my stomach whenever I think about it ... At 3 today I have an appointment with my counselor at school ... this is the last one I can have for the year ... we are only allowed 10 and I have been saving this last one ... I sure hope he can help me sort through all these feelings I have ... ya know this is not where my life was supposed to be at 29 ... I grew up believing by this time in life I would be married and having kids and working ... to me after seeing the example of my mother I really believe one of the most important jobs out there is being a mother and wife ... and I don't think that is compromising my somewhat feminist beliefs ... I still want to work ... but as it is looking to me ... I planned wrong ... my life is not following my mothers ... by my age she had both of her children ... she was well on her way to being an amazing mother ... me I am on my way to dropping out of school yet again ... and getting some job ... all I can say is I feel like such a looser ... I just talked to my friend Jason ... I have to say I have the most supportive friends and family ... I don't know what I would do without them ... I just wish one of them would give me a killer job ... hahahahaa ... I did ask Jason if they were hiring at the travel agency ... which I think I would enjoy since I have been almost everywhere ... but they aren't ... unfortunately ... ohhhhhh I also wish my ex hadn't given me grief about my camera ... it has actually made me think I shouldn't be doing it ... but then I realized that is stupid ... cause I do love it ... I have never learned so much so fast ... and I can't figure out why I would still let him be in control of the things I do ... or why it should even affect me ... but it does ... I hate thinking there is someone out there that has ill feelings towards me ... but as my friends point out to me daily ... I can not live my life to please everyone ... I have to live my life to please myself ...   Well it is now 12:26  AM and I need to write about the rest of my day ... seeing my counselor was great ... he doesn't give me advice ... but lets me ramble and cry and scream and curse ... and get it all out ... and told me I could still come and see him even though I have used up all my appointments ... which give me such a comforting feeling ... even if I don't go back ... I did walk out of there knowing what I am going to do ... I am leaving school ... I don't want to say dropping out cause that indicates I will never go back ... and who knows ... I may ... someday ... maybe even this fall ... but all I know is that I am not going back any more this quarter or this summer ... and I can't stop smiling about it ... I feel so great ... my stomach has stopped hurting ... my headache has gone away ... I am trying to take the puffiness out of my eyes with my wonderful cool eye mask ... and the world is feeling much better to me ... I just have to tell my teacher that won't give up on me ... that she needs to learn to ... and that won't be easy ... she has tried sooooooo hard with me ... and Kris is starting her push for me to move to Vegas ... which may not be a bad idea ... since I don't have family in cali anymore ... I would love to live near Kris ... I miss being close enough to just hangout whenever we want ... and I know I talk to her at least 5 times a day ... but I wanna hangout too ... and not just when I go to Vegas for vacations ... but that won't be for sometime ... although my friend Jason out there has talked about opening an internet cafe ... go do I have some fabulous ideas for one ... so now I gotta start pushing him to see if he is serious ... My parents will be here on Thursday ... and even though I have wanted to tell them about my site ... I want to do it when they are here ... and can see all that I have done ... I am kinda excited and kinda nervous all at the same time ... I stopped by mail boxes etc. today about getting a post office box ... but man it was so expensive ... 50 bucks for 3 months ... and the sad thing is I can't shell out that much right now ... thank goodness I am gonna get a real job ... so tomorrow I am going to stop by the regular post office and see how much it costs there ... hopefully it is more reasonable ... I was really worried about putting up a journal ... but in fact it is quickly becoming my favorite part of my site ... I have received so many wonderful and uplifting emails as a result of it ... and no one can get too many positive emails ... and at a time when I can't seem to stop crying ... that is a very good thing ... I have to take Harley to the vet in the morning to get a checkup ... and find out if his tumor was cancerous or not . . . I am so worried ... and it appears  as if his cheek is getting big again . . . I sure hope he is alright ... he has been with me since January of 1991 when he was 6 months old ... he and I have driven across country 4 times together and lived in 8 different houses with me ... and although I adore Kramer and am so happy the two cats are starting to love each other ... I would be lost without Harley ... he lets me lay my head on him when I cry and doesn't even squirm ... and when I talk to him ... he acts likes he understands ... besides he is the only cat I know that loves to walk on a leash like a dog ... that is a one in a million cat ... Well I must get back to work on my next gallery ... so I can put it up tomorrow ...

Well it has been a totally busy morning

 May 1, 1999

Well it has been a totally busy morning ... but I have gotten a lot done so far ... I did have fun earlier this morning talking to Mike ... it has been so cool getting to know old friends from Kansas again via the internet ... it makes it so easy cause it is hard to call someone to catch up after it has been years ... but email and internet chatting makes it so easy ... and Mike is going to try and give me some help with my computer ... which I am so thankful for ... he may be in Seattle but I think he can walk me though what I need to do ... and I don't want to ask anyone around here cause I hate the sexual innuendoes for the gratitude I "should" be feeling ...

Kris and I talked for a while this morning ... I am always cracking up when I am on the phone with her ... I know she is getting tired of my phone line always being connected to the internet ... cause when we can, we talk like 6 times a day ... she watched Senseless last night and said she was busting up ... to the point of tears ... which is how I was when I saw the movie ... I am so glad she went out and rented it ... makes me wanna go out and get it for tonight ...

I do kinda wish I had plans tonight ... but I can't think of anyone I wish I was doing something with ... this is how I was last Saturday night ... but I guess it wasn't a big enough deal for me to make plans for tonight ... I have a million movies here to watch ... and a ton of work to do ... so I know I can keep busy ... but I think even my cats are getting sick of talking to me ... hahahaa ... and there is this bitchen show on Saturday nights that always catch the tail end of that I want to watch tonight ... it is called The Big Moment ... god what a geek I am ... but people have a week to learn to do some stunk ... like walking a tight rope or spinning 3 hula-hops for a minute and if they do they win some big prize like a deck in the back yard ... trip to Rome ... stuff like that ... I get so excited watching it ... (geek again) ... so tonight I made the mental note that it starts at 8:30 ...

Well I need to get back to work ... I have like 7 maps for Dr. Bob's Wines and Spirits class ... putting his class in power point for him is a much bigger task than I expected ... but he is such a groovy teacher it is a pleasure ... and hell it is an easy A being a TA ... {smile} ..