Right now is one of those times I wish I didn't have a public journal

 

December 21, 1999

Right now is one of those times I wish I didn't have a public journal ... I even debated getting out the one I used to hand write in to start writing in again ... but then I knew I would never write here anymore ...  and I have written so much here how could anything be a big deal anymore ... so I guess it is all hanging out already ... what's a little more ...  I started out the day kinda bummed ... I wrote Eric an email when I got home from the airport yesterday ... and he had read it and hadn't responded ... I know he is visiting his family ... but shit with my past history of meeting guys ... I just get a little nervous ... but I had a ton of things to do today so I really couldn't dwell on it ...  I gathered all my stuff together ... laundry ... Christmas gifts ... wrapping paper and ribbons and headed out ... of course as soon as I left the house cramps kicked in ... big and bad ... fuck I hate being a woman sometimes ... I don't think any guy has any idea what it is like having cramps ... and I will tell you this I am sick of them making suggestions as to how to relive the pain ... fuck that ... it is a good thing I don't have a gun in the house cause there has been more than 30 times in my life where I have thought it would be a lot less painful to blow my fucking head off than to sit here with cramps ... like right now as I am writing this ... I am actually seeing color spots ... like when a flash goes off ... cause my stomach hurts so bad ... right now is one of those times I would like to blow my head off ... and I would do it with a smile ... I should be somewhat thankful ... or maybe the people around me should be ... I don't get bitchy or anything ... I am just in pain ... if anything I usually want to be left alone ... which is a good thing ... cause I have known some women who are evil during their periods ... but fuck the pain is just unreal right now ... I am actually becoming dizzy ... anyway ...  I went by Blockbuster and picked up "American Pie" ... then to Starbucks to get my dad's Christmas gift ... then to Kinko's to make a couple more CD covers ... then I took back my cute PJ's to Old Navy cause even though I am going to a PJ New Years Eve party ... I don't really need new PJ's ... I mean shit why not be comfortable in a pair of my huge flannel ones ... it is a couple's party ... it isn't like I am going to be hooking up or anything ... and got my mom and brother stuff there instead of keeping my PJ's ... then stopped at Starbucks for a coffee with an extra shot ... hoping the caffeine would help the cramps {fuck I will probably get 50 letters telling me not to have caffeine ... but if people think about it caffeine circulates the blood which means it doesn't intensify where the pain is ... just like with a headache ... caffeine always helps} ... and then headed to Kris' after we unloaded my car and got my first load of laundry started she and I went to Capriotti's to get dinner for her, me and Chevy ... man they have the best sandwiches in the world ... its too bad my stomach hurt so much cause I would have enjoyed it more ... then after dinner the wrapping began ... which rocked cause I love wrapping gifts ... and while I did that Kris did my laundry for me ... which rocked cause she hates wrapping gifts and I hate doing laundry ... all the while we watched American Pie ... which just rocks ...  after everything was finished I finally headed home ... and actually got all my shit back upstairs ... I checked my email and was happy to find a quick note from Eric ... to be honest I was totally happy to hear from him but still my doubtful side felt a little unsettled ... I work hard at not letting past experiences ruin my future ... but it is always there in the back of my mind ... but he is busy ... and with family ... and I honestly have too much time on my hands ... and think too much ... besides I have so much to do before my trip ... I am putting it all out of my mind ...  fuck my cramps just get worse and worse ...  and on the subject of things that piss me off ... why the fuck do people write me and ask me why I don't have a boyfriend or why I sleep alone ... even people I know in person ask me shit like that ... what the fuck am I supposed to say to that ... I mean geezzzz ... there is no answer for that ... no answer at all ... I mean I can ignore all the emails asking me that ... but when people I hang out with ask me ... what the hell ... ACK!! just makes me so mad ... and I am about to embark on a 4 day trip of everyone in my family asking me ... I can already hear my aunt ... "move to North Carolina Liz we will fix you up with a nice Southern boy" ... and my grandmother asking if I will ever get married ... ohhh yea this is just what I need ... ahhh man I need to just get away from everything ... clear my head big time ...  really if I had that gun right now ... BAM ... out of my misery ...  today is my friend Brian's birthday ... but ever since he moved from Arizona I haven't known how to get a hold of him ... and I just hate missing his birthday ... he isn't too keen on birthday's so I always send him a Winter Solstice card ... I don't even have his parents address anymore ... I should start searching the internet ... it is how I found him in Arizona ...  well I Love Lucy just came on ... think I will sit back ... read my cards ... and watch Lucy ... its a good one too ... Bob Hope guests stars ... man I don't know how I am ever going to get to sleep tonight ... I think I might have to take some Excedrin PM even though it is quite late which means I will sleep in quite late tomorrow ... but I guess that isn't a big deal ... I just have to clean house tomorrow and start getting my stuff ready for my trip ... at least I have a first class seat to look forward to ... what a treat ... man my parents rock ... woohoo!!!