My mood has gone downhill fast

 

December 12, 1999

My mood has gone downhill fast ... and I can almost guarantee this is going to be a very negative journal entry ... so just a warning ... to remind me not to reread it if I am in a good mood  I always learned as a child ... "actions speak louder than words" ... and deans actions are yelling at me loud and clear ... he doesn't give a fuck about me or how I am living ... and he can say he is broke till the cows come home ... but when ya go to LA for the weekend to party with friends ... and you have a big trip planned for Australia ... it is bullshit ... and it is pissing me off ... I know he paid my rent this month ... but that isn't my whole paycheck ... I have no food left in my house but some ice cream ... and I scrounged up 1 dollar the other day so I could get 3 frozen burritos ... which I just finished the last one a few minutes ago ...  I don't think he gets it that I have no savings ... and no credit cards ... what he gives me is all I have to live on ... in a couple of days my electricity is going to be turned off ... I owe $150 but if I pay $100 I can save it from being shut off ...  I have been avoiding his phone calls since last night ... cause I am so fucking pissed off at him I don't even wanna hear his voice ... the one time I did talk to him today he told me he thought he got two more job contracts for us ... just has to put together a proposal but still no mention of giving me the rest of my money ... and ya know he leaves on the 20th and gets back on the 6th from Australia ... well I get paid on the 20th and the 5th ... even though my rent is due no later than the 4th ... and I just know he is going to leave without giving me at least my rent ... let alone anything else to live on ... and I have to say I have asked over and over and over again to be paid ... which even though I am owed the money ... it is really hard for me to do ... it is probably my biggest weak point ... getting money from people who owe it to me ... so I have just stopped asking ... he knows he owes it to me ...  and I am so tired of my friends feeling responsible for me ... I know how sweet they all are ... but it makes me feel worse every time someone pays for something for me ... who knows when I can repay the kindness ... and I hate owing people money ... I have owed Eric $60 forever ... and now I owe Kris at least $100 although it will be really hard getting her to take it from me ... cause she knows better than anyone what my situation is like    she just took me to the store and bought me some pot pies and a pack of smokes ... I know if there is any time I should quit smoking is now ... but then I think I am so bummed out and frustrated ... that giving up smoking right now would send me into a tizzy ... one that I just can't handle ...  ya know Kera talked to Dean today and he asked her if she had talked to me ... she said yes ... he asked if I seemed depressed ... and she said I totally was ... he then proceeded to say to her "well if it is a matter of money that is easily solved" ... but when we spoke ... even when I told him I had no money at all ... he said nothing and had to get off the phone ... if he was a man and cared anything at all ... he would have brought me a check today ... the fact that he hasn't just shows me what he is all about ...  besides not being able to get my family and friends anything for the holidays ... which upsets me ... and not having money to mail my Christmas cards ... there are two things I like to do this time of year that I can't do this year ... go through my clothes and donate what I don't need to charity and send service men holiday cards ... last year was the first time I did it ... I was stuck at home with a broken leg ... all alone and it made me feel so great ... besides being able to brighten up others days while they were away from their family ... and the clothes ... well tomorrow I am going to a place with kera that buys old clothes and resells them ... hoping to get a little bit of money ...  I did make a deal with my parents today ... and as much as I don't wanna do it I will have to ... if dean hasn't paid me all he owes me by the 19th I have to quit ... and if I quit my parents will pay my rent till they move into their new house ... and if by that time I haven't found a job that can support me I have to move into their basement apartment in Maryland ... I love them dearly ... but don't wanna move back in with them ... fucking spend my 30th birthday at their house where I know no one ... god I am going to start crying again thinking about it ... I like that my mom and I talk on the phone several times a day but I don't wanna live there ... at all ... as shitty as that sounds ... I have no problem moving somewhere where I know no one ... done it a hundred times ... but when it is living with my mom it is so hard to even meet people ... with her always telling me what I need to do to meet a man or trying to fix me up all that shit ... they may know me better than most people know their children but they don't know me that well ... not well enough to chose a mate ...  god I have been working on this all day long ... I think I just had a lot to get out ... mostly bitching but then what is a journal for if I can't unload my soul ... in fact my chest hurts now thinking about all that is stressing me out ... so many people I know right now are going through all sorts of shit ... so I hate to burden them with my problems ... the one thing I love about my journal ... it is always listening ... and I can be bitchy or a baby or a dork or happy ... doesn't matter ... cause it is my space and my thoughts ...  I am talking with someone in my chat room that has given me more motivation to find a way to send service men holiday cards ... I will have to find a way ... even if it means hocking stuff till I can buy it back ... hahahahaaa although I don't think I have much of any value ... but I am sure there is a way to do it ...  ok I just feel drained now ... I have no more to write even though there is still stuff on my mind but I am so cold I just wanna soak in a hot bath for a while before I have to go through my closet and find some clothes to sell ... and start applying for jobs since I just redid my resume ...