If I had know "Get Real" was going to be so sad tonight

 

September 29, 1999

If I had know "Get Real" was going to be so sad tonight ... I don't know if I would have watched it ... now that I have bawled my head off and written the nicest letter I have ever written ... I am glad for the time I spent watching it ...  The other day I was sitting out back at Kris' house ... and I caught a glimpse of her out of the corner of my eye ... and a thought flashed through my head ... "what in the world would I ever do if Kris died?" and I got a cold shiver ... and it made me realize ... there isn't anyone in my lifetime I have been closer to ... I mean I am close to my family and I love them dearly ... and I love all of my friends and am close to them as well ... but there is no one like Kris ...  I   c a n ' t    e v e n    I m a g I n e    l I f e    w I t h o u t    h e r!!! and for two days I have been thinking about that ... then tonight on "Get Real" the dad's best friend passed away ... and it just tore me up ... the show was so sad and funny and moving ... and it just brought the whole idea of Kris being gone one day to the front of my mind ...  I don't even know if I can truly express how I feel in words ... its funny ... all of Kris' friends at some time or another ... have not liked me ... maybe its cause they see how close she and I are and are jealous ... which I could totally understand ... I want to say "we" are truly lucky to have each other ... cause I am sure she feels the same way ... but at the same time I don't want to assume ... and I know that every morning {especially since I moved out here} ... I wake up feeling incredibly  blessed to have a friend like her ... I don't know what I did to deserve her ... but whatever it was I am glad I did ... {smile ... karma is always there ... I know that}  oh my eyes are burning so badly from crying so much ... but it was a good cry ... very cleansing ... and I think something I needed ... not that I have been sad ... it wasn't a sad cry ... it was more of a thankful cry ... for everything that I have ... for all the wonderful people in my life ... for all that I have been blessed with ... it is very easy to overlook these things ... and I am going to put forth more of an effort to concentrate on the good ... to enjoy every moment even more than I already do ...  maybe because I am so thankful to be close to Kris again ... or maybe because I got the job I have been dreaming of ... but man this move to Vegas was one of the smartest things I have ever done ... I never worried about it too much ... it is easy for me to pick up and move ... with just a moments notice ... I have done it many many times in my life ... but this was the first time it felt really smart ...  I think about the fact that I am almost 30 years old ... and I am just now becoming financially independent {if you talked to my mom you would know emotionally I was independent at like 5 ... when I started begging to go to camp for the whole summer ... then it was my mom who was dependant cause she couldn't imagine the thought of me being gone for the whole summer ... 2 weeks was enough for her} ... sometimes I think ... geezzz Liz ... how fucking sad that it took you this long ... and at other times ... I just want to dance around with joy {I definitely do more of the dancing than the getting down on myself {smile}} ... there is an amazing feeling knowing I saved the money to get this apartment ... I mean in ten years this is the first time my parents didn't give me the money for the deposit ... I like that feeling ... so much so that I feel something wonderful deep inside me ... I can't even describe it ...  I sure am doing a lot of rambling for someone who thought they couldn't put their emotions into words ... with the smile that put on my face ... I think I will retire for the night ...