Worthy

have you ever disliked yourself so much ... you question why the person you are with ... is with you ...

it is not so much myself that i dislike ... for i love 'who' i am ... just lately ... in particularly 3 minutes ago ... i realized i disliked my body soooo much ... i wondered why david would even be with me ...


... i truly believe it isn't what a person looks like that makes them who they are ... it is everything about them ... but often times it is what they look like that influences who they are ...


i would say in every relationship i have had ... in the end i was the one who was hurt ... and yes it has made me a stronger person ... more aware of who i truly am ... for when a part of you is held captive by someone else ... once you regain control again that part of you is even stronger ... and you fall more in love with those aspects of you ...


but a part of me is totally freaking out right now ... i have given more of myself in every way possible to david ... he falls the closest second ever to my best friends of any man ever ... but what if i am wrong to give this much trust to another person ... to hand over this much of myself ... how do i know he is worthy ...


if i don't like a part of myself this much ... how can that not affect him ...

have you ever disliked yourself so much ... you question why the person you are with ... is with you ...

it is not so much myself that i dislike ... for i love 'who' i am ... just lately ... in particularly 3 minutes ago ... i realized i disliked my body soooo much ... i wondered why david would even be with me ...


... i truly believe it isn't what a person looks like that makes them who they are ... it is everything about them ... but often times it is what they look like that influences who they are ...


i would say in every relationship i have had ... in the end i was the one who was hurt ... and yes it has made me a stronger person ... more aware of who i truly am ... for when a part of you is held captive by someone else ... once you regain control again that part of you is even stronger ... and you fall more in love with those aspects of you ...


but a part of me is totally freaking out right now ... i have given more of myself in every way possible to david ... he falls the closest second ever to my best friends of any man ever ... but what if i am wrong to give this much trust to another person ... to hand over this much of myself ... how do i know he is worthy ...


if i don't like a part of myself this much ... how can that not affect him ...

The World

To the world you might be one person,

but to one person you might be the world.

To the world you might be one person,

but to one person you might be the world.

My Old Job

there was a brief moment when i thought looking for a job would be fun and exciting ... i mean come on i am in new york ... and there are so many groovy companies out here to choose from ... but i am sad my job is ending ... i really really loved this job ... i saw myself doing it for years ... i loved the people i worked with ... my customers ... and the work i was doing ...


I WANT MY OLD JOB BACK!!!!!!!


why are they changing a good thing ... and why don't i have the money to start my own adult web host ... i don't need to make a ton of money ... i just want to be happy at work ... and i want to make enough money so that i don't have to worry in life and i can put a little bit away ...


i want david and i to be able to get a house ... and build a home together ...

fuck i want us to have enough money to go to a fricken movie once in a while ...


i work so hard and it is all slipping away ... i am loosing my job and there is nothing i can do about it ... sure i could stay with this company and either hate my life or sink with the ship ... but i DON'T WANT TO WORK THERE ANYMORE ... i no longer like the people i work with ... and i am not happy about their practices ... i am too fucking talented and hard working to stay somewhere where i am underpaid ... and have to do things i don't like ...


fuck i want this nightmare to end ...

there was a brief moment when i thought looking for a job would be fun and exciting ... i mean come on i am in new york ... and there are so many groovy companies out here to choose from ... but i am sad my job is ending ... i really really loved this job ... i saw myself doing it for years ... i loved the people i worked with ... my customers ... and the work i was doing ...


I WANT MY OLD JOB BACK!!!!!!!


why are they changing a good thing ... and why don't i have the money to start my own adult web host ... i don't need to make a ton of money ... i just want to be happy at work ... and i want to make enough money so that i don't have to worry in life and i can put a little bit away ...


i want david and i to be able to get a house ... and build a home together ...

fuck i want us to have enough money to go to a fricken movie once in a while ...


i work so hard and it is all slipping away ... i am loosing my job and there is nothing i can do about it ... sure i could stay with this company and either hate my life or sink with the ship ... but i DON'T WANT TO WORK THERE ANYMORE ... i no longer like the people i work with ... and i am not happy about their practices ... i am too fucking talented and hard working to stay somewhere where i am underpaid ... and have to do things i don't like ...


fuck i want this nightmare to end ...

Overflowing Sink

I love David so much ... he just makes me so happy ... even with all the shit with work ... and I know how he hates to hear about it ... but he still listens and he manages to make me laugh all weekend long ... i love that ...

tonight he was making pasta for dinner ... he comes into the office saying 'oh shit ... oh shit' ... and putting on his shoes ... i asked him what was wrong and he said ... 'i fucked up and i don't want to tell you what i did' ... so of course i had to get up and see what he did ... well i started laughing so hard tears were streaming down my face and i had to go sit down ...

he went to fill up the sink to soak the dishes ... and came back in and started working on his computer ... and forgot he left the water running ... the kitchen was on its way to flooding ... the counter was puddled with water along with the kitchen floor ... and when i opened the silverware drawer the silverware holder was floating ... the water was almost to the top of the drawer ...

man the two of us couldn't stop laughing while we got every towel in the house to clean up the mess ...

i have to say one thing ... along with laughing our asses off ... we also got the kitchen and all our linens clean tonight ... :)