If I had know "Get Real" was going to be so sad tonight

 

September 29, 1999

If I had know "Get Real" was going to be so sad tonight ... I don't know if I would have watched it ... now that I have bawled my head off and written the nicest letter I have ever written ... I am glad for the time I spent watching it ...  The other day I was sitting out back at Kris' house ... and I caught a glimpse of her out of the corner of my eye ... and a thought flashed through my head ... "what in the world would I ever do if Kris died?" and I got a cold shiver ... and it made me realize ... there isn't anyone in my lifetime I have been closer to ... I mean I am close to my family and I love them dearly ... and I love all of my friends and am close to them as well ... but there is no one like Kris ...  I   c a n ' t    e v e n    I m a g I n e    l I f e    w I t h o u t    h e r!!! and for two days I have been thinking about that ... then tonight on "Get Real" the dad's best friend passed away ... and it just tore me up ... the show was so sad and funny and moving ... and it just brought the whole idea of Kris being gone one day to the front of my mind ...  I don't even know if I can truly express how I feel in words ... its funny ... all of Kris' friends at some time or another ... have not liked me ... maybe its cause they see how close she and I are and are jealous ... which I could totally understand ... I want to say "we" are truly lucky to have each other ... cause I am sure she feels the same way ... but at the same time I don't want to assume ... and I know that every morning {especially since I moved out here} ... I wake up feeling incredibly  blessed to have a friend like her ... I don't know what I did to deserve her ... but whatever it was I am glad I did ... {smile ... karma is always there ... I know that}  oh my eyes are burning so badly from crying so much ... but it was a good cry ... very cleansing ... and I think something I needed ... not that I have been sad ... it wasn't a sad cry ... it was more of a thankful cry ... for everything that I have ... for all the wonderful people in my life ... for all that I have been blessed with ... it is very easy to overlook these things ... and I am going to put forth more of an effort to concentrate on the good ... to enjoy every moment even more than I already do ...  maybe because I am so thankful to be close to Kris again ... or maybe because I got the job I have been dreaming of ... but man this move to Vegas was one of the smartest things I have ever done ... I never worried about it too much ... it is easy for me to pick up and move ... with just a moments notice ... I have done it many many times in my life ... but this was the first time it felt really smart ...  I think about the fact that I am almost 30 years old ... and I am just now becoming financially independent {if you talked to my mom you would know emotionally I was independent at like 5 ... when I started begging to go to camp for the whole summer ... then it was my mom who was dependant cause she couldn't imagine the thought of me being gone for the whole summer ... 2 weeks was enough for her} ... sometimes I think ... geezzz Liz ... how fucking sad that it took you this long ... and at other times ... I just want to dance around with joy {I definitely do more of the dancing than the getting down on myself {smile}} ... there is an amazing feeling knowing I saved the money to get this apartment ... I mean in ten years this is the first time my parents didn't give me the money for the deposit ... I like that feeling ... so much so that I feel something wonderful deep inside me ... I can't even describe it ...  I sure am doing a lot of rambling for someone who thought they couldn't put their emotions into words ... with the smile that put on my face ... I think I will retire for the night ...

Sublime ...

 

September 26, 1999

Sublime ... I just can't seem to listen to the tape enough ... I have probably played it 6 times already today ...  Kris' brother Kevin is moving his stuff into her house tonight ... then he has to head back to Huntington for 2 weeks and then he is back to live with them for good ... I am so excited ... I think he is going to love it out here ... and it will be a very good move for him ... besides I love hanging out with him ...  I didn't talk to Clint today ... but then again I didn't expect to ... he had his parents big anniversary party today ... so I know he would be doing that all day ... just makes what I have to say even harder ... ya know dreading doing it ...  I did accomplish something today that made me feel so good ... I finally finished unpacking and arranging my closet today ... what a Herculean task ... but it is all finished now ... I do need a dresser cause I have a bunch of stuff in a duffel bag still cause I don't have any drawers to put it in ... I think for the time being I might go get one of those cheesy cardboard ones ... cause I definitely don't have money to spend on furniture ... I tried to make one today ... but I didn't even get close ... and I was too hot and tired anyway ...  I also changed my shower curtain today ... and love how it turned out ... I have been collecting postcards forever ... all my close friends know to send me groovy postcards ... well they are all different sizes and at one time I was going to build frames for them so I could hang them all on one wall ... but alas the project proved to be too time consuming and expensive for me ... so they have all just been sitting in a box ... well I wasn't digging the I Love Lucy theme that was going on ... and I didn't like the yellow shower curtain hanging behind the clear one with pockets ... so I took down the yellow one ... and then put my collection of postcards in the pockets of the clear curtain ... and it looks bitchen ... I put cards facing both ways ... and now when I take a shower there is tons of light ... and I can see my clock ... and Kramer coming in to check out the noise ... it is cool ... so I think I am going to hang all my I Love Lucy cards in the kitchen ... I mean I already have pink counter tops ... why not give the kitchen the I Love Lucy touch ... could prove pretty cute ...  when I cleaned out my closet ... I got all my fabric samples out ... I think tomorrow I am going to move my sewing machine out of the closet and into the living room and mess around with some of this fabric ... if anything I can make a bunch of pillows ... cause there is some great fabric for that ... but heather and I talked about the curtain idea and she came up with some great variations ... so who knows what I will create ...  ohhhh I am fighting sleep so hard right now and I don't know why ... I have been tired for over an hour but I just can't seem to go to bed ... but I need to ... I want to get up early tomorrow ... I have a TON of work to do ... and I don't need to be groggy all day ... that is for sure ...

Well I guess the big news is

 

September 12, 1999

Well I guess the big news is ... my cams are up and running again ... this afternoon I got pretty much everything worked out ... on my IE I still can't pull it up cause I switched to a new ISP ... and the page is still cached in the old one ... but they told me it would take only about a day for it to clear out and be working again ... but I can see the page through my AOL browser ... the bummer is ... there isn't a tracking service out there that will allow live web cams except for sex tracker services ... and they don't let you pay for the service ... you have to put up banners ... so I decided to use Sex Tracker ... and now I have to have these soft core porn banners on my site ... which I guess is better than the others there was to chose from ... but still ... I hate having banners on my site ... I wish I could find a service that would allow me to pay for it ... cause Dean said he would pay for it ... he thinks banners ruin the look of my site too ... and I have to have the tracker up ... cause Dean will buy any one of us a car that has a site that gets a million hits a day ... that is a lot ... but in time it could happen ... and since mine car is falling apart ... I would love to win that ... damn what a great job I have ... there are all sorts of other incentives for us to produce killer web sites ... one is a day at the spa and boy could I use that ... I really just worked worked worked today ... we were supposed to go to the Voodoo lounge at The Rio tonight ... but wound up not going ... which is a good thing cause I still have NO money what so ever ... I had to ask my mom to borrow some to tide me over till my next paycheck ... which I hated doing ... I have been doing a great job of supporting myself since I got here ... but I had to break down ... I didn't wanna borrow money from Kris ... or Eric ... who always seems to be the one to come to my rescue ... man I just wanna grow up ... well financially ... no other way ... hahahahaaa ... besides the money factor I love still being a kid ... man tonight I went to the store to get smokes ... and mocha frappachinos ... and I was using change ... which I hate to do ... but that is all I had ... and the woman wouldn't take it ... bitch ... I couldn't believe it ... I said ... it is still real money ... how can you not take it ... and she said ... we don't take unrolled change ... it was quarters and I was going to give her 3 bills and some quarters ... I was so mad ... Kris offered me bills ... but I don't wanna borrow anything unless absolutely necessary ... man I have been sitting here thinking there was something I wanted to write about but I have no idea what so ever ... I have already said many times I was excited to have Hazen come out and visit ... which I am ... but I know there was something else that I was thinking ... ohhh tonight I need to write about that ... I think i will go have a smoke ... and try and remember ... well that worked ... as soon as i lit my cig i knew what i wanted to write about ... today kris and i talked to sean ... our old roommate who is still living in kansas ... man i miss him so much ... we are trying to get him to move out here ... but that may be hard ... at least we got him to commit to coming out for a visit ... maybe then we can convince him ... he said he would plan on coming out at the end of september ... which would be soooo cool ... i sure hope he does ... i miss him so much ... when i was in lawrence last summer he and i hung out like 8 of the 10 days i was there ... and it was just like old times ... it was a blast ... and today ... it was so great to hear his voice ...

I really have so much to write

 

September 8, 1999

I really have so much to write but I can hardly keep my eyes open ... but I do need to jot down some stuff ... so tomorrow when I am more up to it I can remember what I want to write about ...  ~ the date last night was great ... I had a blast ... and even got me a little something something ... {smile} ...  ~ we went to Cheetahs and I met a couple of girls I think I will become friends with ... (Liberty (her honest to goodness name)  and Teresa) and met a couple of girls I think I am going to do web sites for ...  ~ woke up to pure hell this morning with Earthlink ... lots to write about there ... poor Eric he puts up with a lot of shit from me ...  ~ moved moved moved moved moved ... and I am almost done ...  ~ have so much email to respond to ... I hate when I don't do it in a timely manner ... life is hectic!! and now I am soooooo exhausted I feel like I am hallucinating ... so I must get some sleep before we have to move the rest of my stuff tomorrow!!

Well I am long overdue for a journal entry

 

September 6, 1999

Well I am long overdue for a journal entry ... especially after the last one ... hahahaa I guess I was just rambling in that one ... and should have been a little more specific ... I don't wanna just have sex ... any girl can go out and just get it ... I want quality ... {smile} ... I have had more than enough offers for sex now ... but it isn't what I am looking for ... and my hormones have calmed down a little since Thursday ... don't get me wrong I still wanna do it ... just not such a high priority right now ...  I have been slowly plugging along at work ... kinda took a little time to myself this weekend although I still worked on the computer ... but I added a couple new pages to my site ... fixed some stuff up ... and just played on the internet a little which I haven't done in ages ...  the playing actually led me to a date tonight ... I love reading online personal ads ... which I was doing last night ... some just crack me up ... but I came across one I liked ... added the guy to my buddy list and wound up talking to him last night ... online and then on the phone for a bit ... and we totally got along ... he didn't freak out about my site or job ... hahahaa ... and asked if I wanted to go out for a drink tonight ... so he is supposed to call at 8 tonight ... we will see ...  a part of me doesn't want him too ... cause every time I am asked out on a date and I say yes ... I spend the time up until the date thinking of a reason I can't go ... I don't know why ... cause I usually have fun ... just me wrestling with myself ... I love being alone so much ... but then at the same time know I would have fun with someone else around ... so if he calls I am going to go out ... cause I need to get out of my house ... and my boss kept telling me to go ... maybe he thinks I am getting a little burnt out ... hhahahaa ...  I also bought paint yesterday and started painting some of my furniture ... it is turning out pretty cute ... I am not working on it as hard as I should be ... just not too motivated to hang out in the hot garage ... but I should get it done while I am here so I don't have to worry about doing it in my new apartment ...  this week I am supposed to be moving my stuff to my new place a little at a time ... I can't tell you how much it SUCKS moving your stuff by yourself ... I hate asking people to help me ... but today I went through and separated all the boxes in the garage ... and then moved my kitchen stuff to the new place ... and it is boring all alone ... and when I saw all you have to move ... I kept thinking man there is no relief in sites ... every trip is going to be made by me ... yuck ... I was so tired and hot and sweaty once I got the stuff in the new place that I didn't want to unpack a thing ... so I didn't!! The place looked so big when I went and checked it out ... and once I got the keys and went in ... it just doesn't look as big as it did ... I sure hope I can get all my stuff in the place without feeling too cramped in ... I am starting to realize how groovy my place was in LA ... but I do like this place ... and I am excited to have all my "stuff" again ... I am sick of it all being in boxes in the garage ... and every time I think of something I want ... I realize I can't get to it ...  So I think Thursday will be moving day ... Kris and Chevy both have the day off ... I was going to have the phone turned on on Friday but I am going to call tomorrow and see if they can do it on Thursday ... so the site will be down for a while on Thursday but my computer is always the first thing I set up when moving ... that is how much of a geek I am ... hahahahaaa ...  man I thought by now I had made the point of my site totally clear ... it isn't a show ... or like a radio station where you can make requests ... it is just my life ... no matter how boring it gets ... or how exciting it is ... and I get sooo many letters asking me to get naked or masturbate more ... what are these people thinking ... man ... and I used to write back to everyone ... explain I don't do that ... but forget it ... I have no time for that ... in fact my boss has said he wants  to hire someone to respond to all the email ... but that is the fun part for me ... some of the emails I get are fabulous ... and I love reading and responding to them ... so I told him that would never happen ... I just have to stop responding to ones that are a complete waste of my time ...  I have been working on my "all about me" book and it is a lot of fun ... some of the questions are hard to answer ... but they make ya think ... that is for sure ... and it is a nice break when I go out to smoke a cig ... I used to just sit out there thinking of all I had to do ... now I take a bit of time for myself ...  seems this week has brought some old friends out of the woodwork which I always like ... I talked to my friend Les in Colorado ... I miss him ... but he is doing great and is going to have his computer back up and running soon ... which I am so glad about ... I met him online in like 94 ... it was weird ... his dad was in Cali before les ever was so I took his dad out to dinner ... it was cool ... anyway I told him I had moved to Vegas ... and he said he has friends that come out here often ... that next time he will join them so we can hang out ...  I also talked to my friend Jay in Colorado this last week ... his job and life is going great also ... and said he would love to plan a trip out here soon ... which would be cool ... but I am still thinking it is a good thing I have a one bedroom ... hahahahaaa ... although the two of them could totally stay with me ... I mean I stayed with them when I visited Colorado ... lets just hope everyone follows through ... cause with my bitchen job it is easy to entertain visitors I tried to get a hold of my friend Brian today ... he lives or is it lived in Arizona ... but the number was disconnected ... so I will have to start doing some work and find out where he is ... and I called Aaron today ... he was at work ... but I talked to Riven and she said everything is going great ... which I was happy to hear ... now I just need to get all of them out here for a visit ... actually the last time I saw brain, Aaron and Riven was when we all came to Vegas in February for Kris & Chevy's house warming party ... we had such a blast ... even if I did still have my cast on my leg ... (actually that got me out of doing the whole "see the Vegas strip" thing ... which I could never be too thankful for ... {smile} ... cause when you have been coming to Vegas since you were a kid ... the strip gets old ... fast!! so I am having a pretty descent hair day today ... so maybe it is a good thing that I have a date ... hahahaa ... I just wish I knew some place for us to go ... he has lived here only a couple of weeks and seems to have done more than me ... so maybe he has a favorite place to go ...  well I should get some more work done so I don't feel guilty being out tonight ... man what a dork ... my boss even tells me to get out of the house ... and I still feel bad ... shit I need to own my own company ... with all the work I do ... yea maybe eventually ... I seem to get all I strive for ... so that may be the next thing on my list after financial stability ... of course I could be 45 before that happens ...   well ... it is 8:55 and I believe I have officially been stood up ... and I had actually started to get excited about going out ... I called my friend Jessica and asked her where we should go ... and she gave me two really great suggestions ... ohhh man this is truly one of my biggest pet peeves ... not being stood up ... but having someone tell me they will call ... and then not ... god and I really wanted to do some more painting today ... but I took a shower after moving and I didn't wanna get all dirty and take another and go out with wet hair ... oh well whatever ... I shouldn't have mentioned it in my journal until after we went out ... cause I got a whole bunch of letters about it tonight ... maybe I jinxed the whole thing ...  well I don't know if I really feel like writing this (cause I hate when people I know use my journal in conversation I would just rather not know they read it)... but I am going to anyway ... I am really starting to believe my site is a hindrance to my dating life ... not that I would stop the site ... but this is the second time I have made plans with someone in the last week ... that just bailed ... the first time was after my big sexually frustrated entry ... and last night after this guy and I talked on the phone I saw him online ... and we didn't talk ... so I am assuming he checked out my site more and changed his mind ... I just wish any and everyone that changed their minds would tell me that ... I mean jeez when I am not interested in someone I let them know ... I don't just bail ... that is bad karma ... I am honest and straight forward with people ... don't I deserve the same ... ?? fuck yea I do ... everyone deserves that ...  although once ... I was dating this guy Tim ... he lived across the hall from me ... and we had plans on Saturday night ... we I hadn't seen or heard him since Friday afternoon so by Saturday night I was totally pissed ... and went out with heather ... well I eventually got wasted and called a mutual friend Tim and I had ... john was just cracking up at my ranting and raving and said ... didn't you know Tim went to jail yesterday afternoon ... he was at the scene of a crime ... when the cop asked his name as a witness ... they ran him and found out he hadn't finished paying off a DUI ... and since it was Friday afternoon he had to be in jail for the whole weekend ... I was cracking up ... cause I kept joking around ... he better have a good excuse ... like being in jail ... to just bail on me without even a phone call ... cause I am easy going ... if someone changes their mind ... all they gotta do is tell me ... hahahahaaaa ... ohhhhh well ... I should get some work done ... but it is hot ... and I don't feel like it ... I just wanted to GET OUT OF THE HOUSE and not work ...  I do have an 8:00 AM breakfast meeting tomorrow ... so I guess I could actually go to bed early tonight ... and I don't mean early the next morning like I have been ... too bad it is dark ... I could work out some frustrations moving more boxes ... maybe I will just go out and paint ... shit who know ... I am just perturbed right now ...   well ... it is 10 ... and he called to apologize ... he went out hiking this morning and it all took longer than expected ... he didn't get home till just now ... so we are going to try for tomorrow ... but I have to admit ... I have been sitting here thinking why do I even make plans ... so we will see tomorrow ...