No More Thinking

lately i feel like the responsible one in every aspect of my life ... and i am getting kinda tired of it ... it is so physically draining ... and mentally exhausting ... i don't want to always be the responsible one ... sometimes i want to cut loose and have fun and not have to worry


... worry about paying rent and answering inquiries and paying bills and setting up customers and getting groceries and following up to see that work was done and doing laundry and helping others learn how to do thing at work and doing the dishes and appologizing to and recovering customers others were too lazy with and fullfilling the needs of those around me ... and ...


i want other people around me to willingly shoulder the responsibility of life ... i want to feel spoiled once in a while ... i want there to not be tears welling up inside me because of the burdens of life weighting down on me ...


sometimes i feel so powerless ... and overwhelmed ... is this what the rest of life has in store for me ... stress at work ... stress at home ... the incurable desire to be a perfectionist in anything that is a reflection of me ...


sometimes i just wish i could feel attention and gratitude and the pampering i give other people ... my customers have no idea the measures i go to for them ... no idea ... sometimes when i pick up a sign up i think ... "this person is so lucky i am the one that got their email ... they have no idea how lucky they are' ... cause they are ... i fucking work hard 24/7 ... and that is something i say with confidence and pride cause i do work hard ... really really hard ... but i guess lately i don't feel it back ...


and at home i am not feeling it back lately either ... i would love to come home one night to a night for me ... where i don't have to make any decisions ... where i get some attention ... i just haven't felt it ... ya know what would be great ... to come home to dinner ... shit if i were home all day and david were at work ... i would cook dinner ... something good ... something that would make him glad to be home and relaxed and happy ... i did it for eric all the time ... i was home from school and work long before he was home for work ... and i would cook dinner cause i knew how nice it was to come home and not have to think about it ...


instead every night it is ...

"david what would you like for dinner?"

"i don't know what would you like?"

"that wasn't my question ... I asked what you wanted for dinner?"

"whatever you want"


i want to not think about it ... i want a break from thinking for 1 hour ...


i want to do something other than listen to you type on your keyboard and get an occasional kiss when you get up for coffee or to go to the bathroom ...


i want to spend an evening with you ... something anything that i don't have to plan ... cajole ... and execute

lately i feel like the responsible one in every aspect of my life ... and i am getting kinda tired of it ... it is so physically draining ... and mentally exhausting ... i don't want to always be the responsible one ... sometimes i want to cut loose and have fun and not have to worry


... worry about paying rent and answering inquiries and paying bills and setting up customers and getting groceries and following up to see that work was done and doing laundry and helping others learn how to do thing at work and doing the dishes and appologizing to and recovering customers others were too lazy with and fullfilling the needs of those around me ... and ...


i want other people around me to willingly shoulder the responsibility of life ... i want to feel spoiled once in a while ... i want there to not be tears welling up inside me because of the burdens of life weighting down on me ...


sometimes i feel so powerless ... and overwhelmed ... is this what the rest of life has in store for me ... stress at work ... stress at home ... the incurable desire to be a perfectionist in anything that is a reflection of me ...


sometimes i just wish i could feel attention and gratitude and the pampering i give other people ... my customers have no idea the measures i go to for them ... no idea ... sometimes when i pick up a sign up i think ... "this person is so lucky i am the one that got their email ... they have no idea how lucky they are' ... cause they are ... i fucking work hard 24/7 ... and that is something i say with confidence and pride cause i do work hard ... really really hard ... but i guess lately i don't feel it back ...


and at home i am not feeling it back lately either ... i would love to come home one night to a night for me ... where i don't have to make any decisions ... where i get some attention ... i just haven't felt it ... ya know what would be great ... to come home to dinner ... shit if i were home all day and david were at work ... i would cook dinner ... something good ... something that would make him glad to be home and relaxed and happy ... i did it for eric all the time ... i was home from school and work long before he was home for work ... and i would cook dinner cause i knew how nice it was to come home and not have to think about it ...


instead every night it is ...

"david what would you like for dinner?"

"i don't know what would you like?"

"that wasn't my question ... I asked what you wanted for dinner?"

"whatever you want"


i want to not think about it ... i want a break from thinking for 1 hour ...


i want to do something other than listen to you type on your keyboard and get an occasional kiss when you get up for coffee or to go to the bathroom ...


i want to spend an evening with you ... something anything that i don't have to plan ... cajole ... and execute

No DSL

well DSL went down at our house ... so i haven't really been online once i get home from work ... kinda nice but if i can't work-work at night it leaves a lot in my inbox the next morning ...


so we are totally short handed cause most people are at the show in vegas ... 3 of us left in sales ... and one guy actually deceides not to show up today ... what the fuck is up with that ... do people get that we are moving to a new office and some people don't get to go ... that this would be the time to fucking work your ass off to no end ...


so today i am left with really the most useless person in our department ... he has yet to do anything this whole week ... it is amazing ... i would blow my brians out if i just sat at my desk all day 'looking' busy ... i just couldn't do it ...


well since i am technically the only one in sales here today i better get back to work ... i only have 48 emails so far this morning ... that is a doable amount ... although every time i put one away ... i get two more ... hahahahaaa

well DSL went down at our house ... so i haven't really been online once i get home from work ... kinda nice but if i can't work-work at night it leaves a lot in my inbox the next morning ...


so we are totally short handed cause most people are at the show in vegas ... 3 of us left in sales ... and one guy actually deceides not to show up today ... what the fuck is up with that ... do people get that we are moving to a new office and some people don't get to go ... that this would be the time to fucking work your ass off to no end ...


so today i am left with really the most useless person in our department ... he has yet to do anything this whole week ... it is amazing ... i would blow my brians out if i just sat at my desk all day 'looking' busy ... i just couldn't do it ...


well since i am technically the only one in sales here today i better get back to work ... i only have 48 emails so far this morning ... that is a doable amount ... although every time i put one away ... i get two more ... hahahahaaa

Psycho

so ... i just found out ... the talk around the office now ...


i am psycho


isn't that nice to hear ... makes you want to go to work everyday huh?


first of all there are some velatively new people here that have no fucking idea what they are talking about ... and they are the loudest about me being crazy ...


i don't think they realize that there was an 8 month period where we didn't have 24 tech support ... but i had a phone in my house that the office number rang on ... so i answered the phone at all hours of the night ... and on the weekends ... that i was our 24/7 tech support and still came to work every single day ...


i also work all weekend setting people up ... doing tech support and answering emails ... every day of the week ...


fucking jackasses have no right to talk about me that way ... i work hard and take my work seriously ... that makes me psycho???

so ... i just found out ... the talk around the office now ...


i am psycho


isn't that nice to hear ... makes you want to go to work everyday huh?


first of all there are some velatively new people here that have no fucking idea what they are talking about ... and they are the loudest about me being crazy ...


i don't think they realize that there was an 8 month period where we didn't have 24 tech support ... but i had a phone in my house that the office number rang on ... so i answered the phone at all hours of the night ... and on the weekends ... that i was our 24/7 tech support and still came to work every single day ...


i also work all weekend setting people up ... doing tech support and answering emails ... every day of the week ...


fucking jackasses have no right to talk about me that way ... i work hard and take my work seriously ... that makes me psycho???

Leaving Me Alone

i can't believe there are 3 of us working over here and the 2 guys leave to smoke together ... and leave me here to get every incomming phone call ... it is all i can do to stay in a good mood and i have only been here 2 hours ... i have 3 more days of this shit