What a weird day

 

April 29, 1999

What a weird day ... I woke up early to study for my test ... only to have a full anxiety attack about not knowing any of it ... I couldn't do the ratios ... I wasn't sure how to write the essays ... and I couldn't stop crying ... and throwing up ... well I only did that twice ... I called my teacher sobbing and telling her I didn't think I would make it to the test ... and I really started thinking seriously about leaving school ... at least for a little while ... I can't stand being so broke anymore ... it stresses me out too much ... I want to work ... and more than 8 hours a week like I do now ... and make some money ... not have to worry about it any more ... school and the thought of it makes me so sick to my stomach ... it is hard for me to understand ... but just writing about it now makes me want to cry again ... and my stomach is turning ... fuck I can't express how much I hate it ... man I need a Starbucks mocha frappachino ... I think I will go now ... then write about better stuff when I get back ... ahhhhhh nothing beats a frappachino ... everything seems better when I am sipping ... so after the disastrous morning ... I was checking out some cam directory page ... and I found this guy that has a camera on in his office ... and he is a total cutie and we chatted on and off during the day ... it has been fun talking to someone that I can see ... a nice change of pace ... since I am usually the one being watched while chatting ... I was thinking on my way to Starbucks ... why is it the guys I go out with don't make it past the first date ... there have been only 2 that made it beyond the first ... one was only cause we decided to see each other the night before our planned date ... and the other ... is just a guy I like hanging out with ... and don't really think about dating ... and I know he doesn't think about dating me ... but other than that it has been a series of first dates for the last 6 months ... I sometimes wonder if I only go on dates cause everyone is always asking me why I am not married ... or why don't I have a boyfriend ... one would think people would know that question is rude ... unexplainable ... and annoying ... that is like saying ... oh yea why did ya get the hair piece ... I mean come on ...