while going to school in Lawrence, Kansas I didn't have the best luck with roommates ... eventually I moved into my own place that was awesome ... I lived there until I moved away from Kansas ...


it was in an old building [like most stuff in Lawrence] ... and a corner unit ... there was a front door to go into the 2 story building and then each apartment had it's own door ... so my windows looked out over the front of the building facing the street and our parking/front door ...


I went out with this really nice guy a couple of times ... he was huge ... like 6'5" and his most distinguishing characteristic besides the bright blue eyes was that he had alopecia ... the man didn't have a single hair on his body ... anywhere ...


we had fun the times we went out ... but there was never that "spark" ... I really enjoyed partying with him and found him totally sexy ... but in one evening he went from sexy to a bit freaky ...


it was almost 3 in the morning and I was totally asleep ... when I awoke to someone pounding on my door ... I didn't have a peephole and wasn't about to open my door at that time ... so I crouched down at the window in my bedroom and peeked out the blind hoping to catch a glimpse of whomever it was as they exited the building ...


when I saw the bald head glowing in the moonlight I thought ... "what the hell is he doing here at this time" ... as I watched out the window I saw him get on his bike and just ride up and down the drive in front of the building for about 10 minutes ... and then peddle off down the street ... I giggled and thought ... "well that was one unprepared booty call ... glad I didn't open the door"


I laid back down only to be awoken again about 30 minutes later by pounding on the door ... followed again by the bike riding up and down the drive ... I watched for a while and then went back to bed ... before I even fell asleep I heard the cabinets in the kitchen opening and closing ... like the cat was sticking his paw in to try and open the door but it just kept closing ...


I got up to tell Harley [my cat at the time] to stop it ... only to see Harley standing back from the cabinets watching them in wonder ... when the cabinet under the sink did it again I freaked ... I turned on the kitchen light ... slowly I walked up to the sink ... crouched down ... braced myself ... and yanked the doors open ... to find myself face to face with his big bald head ...


see the building was so old that at one time there was ice delivery for the ice box ... and the little doors were still in tact but now [if they worked ... most were screwed or nailed shut] opened up under the kitchen sink ... well [we'll call him] Steve had pried the door open and was trying to get into the house under the kitchen sink ... unfortunately he was too big for the little door and got stuck ...


I ran out into the hall yelling "what the hell do you think you are doing ... if I didn't answer my door that means I don't want you here" ... my neighbor ... a 60 year old Chinese man came into the hall with his broom and started smacking Steve on the ass saying "she no want you here ... she no want you here"


I just burst out laughing ... my neighbor keep hitting him in the ass and Steve kept crying out ... "Liz I'm stuck ... I'm stuck ... I would leave if I could get out from under the sink" ... he kept wiggling and wiggling and I kept laughing and laughing ... until he eventually got himself free ... I said "Steve you are drunk ... go home and go to sleep ... I'll see you later"


the next day our building's totally bitchen handy man was working on stuff in my apartment when Kris and Heather came over ... I was telling them the story and the three of us were laughing so hard that the whole thing even happened ... my friends have always joked that if you want weird stuff to happen hang out with Liz ... Rick [the handyman] said ... "ladies I'll be right back" ... then we heard some pounding in the hallway ... we went out and he was in the process of putting about 30 huge nails all around the ice door ... and then said ... "I'll be back in about 30 minutes" ... when he returned he had a drill and a brand new peephole for my door ...


Steve called me that night and apologized profusely ... he said he really just wanted to see me and hang out and didn't have my phone number with him and that in the future would never try to get into my apartment under my kitchen sink ... I told him not to worry there was no way he was getting through that door again ...

I cried when I heard the news Mr. Rogers is no longer around to invite us to his neighborhood

I am going to admit several goofy things in this post ...


first I have become hooked on "I'm a Celebrity ... Get Me Out Of Here" ... I haven't missed it yet ... even more so now that the phone calls are votes to keep people at camp I spend the hour I am watching the show voting for my two favorites ...


One is Melissa Rivers ... I have always liked her and Joan ... for as long as I can remember I have loved Joan Rivers ... when she used to sit in for Johnny Carson my mom would tape them for me so I could watch them the next day ... besides Melissa is pretty kick-ass on the show ...


the second goofy confession I have is that I am really digging Cris Judd ... I never knew too much about him and never thought I would want to ... but on the show he is awesome ... and his recorded message when you call and vote for him is so hysterical it makes me want to call more ...


ok ... that is the end of goofy confession time ... :)

I did get a bit of joyous news ... one of the gifts I sent out last week arrived ... Heather is completely in love with the 2 boxes of fabric I sent her ... which is great ... she called early this morning to go on and on about how much she loved it ... so that was a nice pick-me-up ...


tomorrow my other gift should arrive which makes me feel nice ... I wish I had remembered to bring the tracking numbers home with me ... I always love tracking my packages and seeing where they are ...


David is still asleep which is nice ... it is almost like having the house to myself ... I still can't call Heather and have a nice bitch session ... but ya know ya give up some stuff living with the one you love ...


ya know I was thinking this morning ... my birthday is coming up and I sure home someone gets me the "I Love Lucy" DVD's ... it seems like such an obvious gift I thought someone would have gotten one at Christmas for me ... but maybe they were waiting for my birthday ... :)


well for now I must get back to work ... even if it is working from home ... :)

I am in such a funkafied mood ... I am sick of the fucking snow ... I am tired of being in the house ... and I am perturbed with David

this combination can't make for a great day ...

Growing up I always looked forward to summer camp and every year I would beg to go for the whole summer ... unfortunately my parents liked me too much to have me gone so long ...


the first camp I started going to was Camp Hollywoodland ... it was an inner-city sleep away camp in Griffith Park near the Hollywood sign ... it was fabulous ... a whole week away from home ... swimming and crafts and archery ... like a big slumber party ... the movie Piranha was actually filmed at the camp ...


a couple years after I started going to Camp Hollywoodland I also started going to The Big Bear Tennis Ranch up near Big Bear Lake ... obviously a little more ritzy playing tennis and all ... I grew to like it better because camp session were 2 weeks rather than one ... so I got to stay for longer ...


the summer before my senior year in high school I took a job as a camp counselor at The Big Bear Tennis Ranch ... my tennis was alright but not the caliber to teach others ... most of the campers would have kicked my ass ... so I took a job teaching arts and crafts ... it was awesome ... my first day there I met a girl named Tami and we were instantly friends ... totally inseparable ... like we had known each other our whole life ... she was from Arizona and I from California ... so after the summer ended we did all we could to visit each other as often as possible ...


as much as I loved Tami ... she as quickly as I ... will admit on occasion she could be a bit flighty ... so when I was running late to pick her up at the airport in Los Angeles I started to panic ... she had never been there so before she left I had told her "no matter what time you land ... wait at your gate and I will meet you there ... with traffic I might be running late" ...


as I walked into the airport I saw on the monitor that her plane had already arrived ... I raced to get in line at the metal detector fearing she started to wander around LAX to try and find me ... when my turn approached to walk through the metal detector ... the buzzer went off ...


this huge, cuddly, black woman running the metal detector said ... "darling I believe your belt set off the detector ... could you please remove it?"


I wasn't thinking about myself or my attire at all ... I was just worried Tami left the gate and it would take us an hour to find each other ... therein lies my mistake ... for I was wearing "sack jeans" ... ya know the ones in the 80's "just cinch it" ... 5 sizes too big with a belt below the belt loops holding them together ...


without the slightest vision of what was to come I whipped off my oversized riveted belt to have these huge pants drop to my ankles ... there had to be 30 people in line behind me ... and I just stood there in a cropped t-shirt and my underwear ... the security woman said "my honey you sure have lost a lot a weight there" ...


as I bent over to pull up my jeans ... through the laughter I could hear Tami's laugh loud and clear as she cried out ... "my oh my Lizzie now that is a welcome if I have ever seen one" ...

FAIRY TALE FOR WOMEN OF THE 21st CENTURY


~~~~~~~~

Once upon a time,

~~~~~~~~

in a land far away,

~~~~~~~~

a beautiful, independent,

~~~~~~~~

self-assured princess

~~~~~~~~

happened upon a frog as she sat,

~~~~~~~~

contemplating ecological issues

~~~~~~~~

on the shores of an unpolluted pond

~~~~~~~~

in a verdant meadow near her castle.

~~~~~~~~

The frog hopped into the princess' lap

~~~~~~~~

and said: "Elegant Lady,

~~~~~~~~

I was once a handsome prince,

~~~~~~~~

until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.

~~~~~~~~

One kiss from you, however,

~~~~~~~~

and I will turn back

~~~~~~~~

into the dapper, young prince that I am

~~~~~~~~

and then, my sweet, we can marry

~~~~~~~~

and setup housekeeping in your castle

~~~~~~~~

with my mother,

~~~~~~~~

where you can prepare my meals,

~~~~~~~~

clean my clothes, bear my children,

~~~~~~~~

and forever

~~~~~~~~

feel grateful and happy doing so.

~~~~~~~~

That night,

~~~~~~~~

as the princess dined sumptuously

~~~~~~~~

on a repast of lightly sauté frog legs

~~~~~~~~

seasoned in a white wine

~~~~~~~

and onion cream sauce,

~~~~~~~~

she chuckled and thought to herself:

~~~~~~~~


I don't freakin think so.