I am still stunned at what I saw yesterday ... as I was leaving my house for work I saw 4 police cars ... yellow "do not cross" tape enclosing a section of grass area ... and a tarp coving a person ... in the building behind me someone jumped to their death ...
I haven't been able to get the image out of my head no matter how hard I try ... it is there ... in the foreground of everything I am thinking ...
I contacted the local Fox News station to see if what I saw was what I thought I saw ... they confirmed that it was but since it was a suicide they don't report on the story ... that statement alone kind of shocked me ... it makes it seem like no one will know it is a problem if they don't report on it ...
I can't help but wonder what they were thinking at the time they decided to jump ... it seems like such an awful choice ... and such a scary thing to do ... I have so many questions that I will never know the answers to ... I am sure just like their family ...
Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem ...
On my way home I had to drive by the same spot ... the grass is gone and it is like a crater is there ... it made my stomach sink when I saw it ... I feel so affected by someone I don't even know ...
it is just so sad ... sad ... sad ...
Friday, February 11, 2005
Thursday, February 10, 2005
Vivid Dream
I had the most amazing dream last night ... it was so vivid and so real ... it makes me a bit nervous ...
It was my friend Mike ... that I went to college with ... the last time I heard from him we were supposed to meet in NYC ... some time before 9/11 ... but we never hooked up ... then I didn't hear from him for ages ... I got an email from a mutual friend when I started planning the wedding and wanted to send Mike an invitation ... the email explained that Mike was a heroin addict ... he had lost his wife, job, house, car ... and our friend had no idea where he was or if he was still alive ... it still makes me cry thinking about it ... I miss him terribly ... we stayed close even after we both moved away from Lawrence ...
well in my dream last night Mike was right there with me ... and we were hugging ... tightly ... I could feel his skin next to mine and I was sad ... and I didn't want to let go ... and David was there [even though he has never met Mike] and I remember thinking "I feel bad hugging Mike with David there" but in the dream David could hear my thoughts and he said to me "It is OK Liz ... stay close to him ... he needs this ... he is leaving ... he is saying good-bye" ... which made me start to cry ... and then Mike held me tighter and tighter and tighter till I thought I couldn't breath any more but I didn't want to let go ... so I just kept squeezing ... and I kept saying to myself, "Liz make a mental memory of this ... how this feels ... how his skin feels ... make a memory ... you have to remember this" ... and it was like I could feel it all ... and then I started sobbing ... I kissed his lips ... and then woke up with tears in my eyes ...
It shook me up enough that I couldn't go back to sleep ... I decided to get up ... splash some water on my face and go sit outside for a bit ...
Was he saying good-bye? ... was that it? ... is there no hope that he will one day be alright? ... get his life back from the grips of heroin? ... is he gone? ...
As I relive this dream while writing it I am again brought to tears ... he is/was such a wonderful person with so many amazing ideas and a huge heart ... I've missed our talks for years now ... but now I fear there will never be another one ... that he has left for good ... and taken a piece of me with him ...
It was my friend Mike ... that I went to college with ... the last time I heard from him we were supposed to meet in NYC ... some time before 9/11 ... but we never hooked up ... then I didn't hear from him for ages ... I got an email from a mutual friend when I started planning the wedding and wanted to send Mike an invitation ... the email explained that Mike was a heroin addict ... he had lost his wife, job, house, car ... and our friend had no idea where he was or if he was still alive ... it still makes me cry thinking about it ... I miss him terribly ... we stayed close even after we both moved away from Lawrence ...
well in my dream last night Mike was right there with me ... and we were hugging ... tightly ... I could feel his skin next to mine and I was sad ... and I didn't want to let go ... and David was there [even though he has never met Mike] and I remember thinking "I feel bad hugging Mike with David there" but in the dream David could hear my thoughts and he said to me "It is OK Liz ... stay close to him ... he needs this ... he is leaving ... he is saying good-bye" ... which made me start to cry ... and then Mike held me tighter and tighter and tighter till I thought I couldn't breath any more but I didn't want to let go ... so I just kept squeezing ... and I kept saying to myself, "Liz make a mental memory of this ... how this feels ... how his skin feels ... make a memory ... you have to remember this" ... and it was like I could feel it all ... and then I started sobbing ... I kissed his lips ... and then woke up with tears in my eyes ...
It shook me up enough that I couldn't go back to sleep ... I decided to get up ... splash some water on my face and go sit outside for a bit ...
Was he saying good-bye? ... was that it? ... is there no hope that he will one day be alright? ... get his life back from the grips of heroin? ... is he gone? ...
As I relive this dream while writing it I am again brought to tears ... he is/was such a wonderful person with so many amazing ideas and a huge heart ... I've missed our talks for years now ... but now I fear there will never be another one ... that he has left for good ... and taken a piece of me with him ...
Thursday, February 3, 2005
Week From Hell
Finally I am able to write about the mess we have been in ...
On January 24th we woke up to find everything on our server gone ... gone gone gone ... someone [I am guessing an ex-employee] logged onto the server and deleted files ... files being every website on the server ... it was a mega mess ...
We got the server back up ... found some back ups here and there on our own computer ... and started working on the server non-stop Monday night ... we were up most of the night and just dead tired for work the next day ... as I worked on rebuilding sites for ones we had no back up of the server was starting to look normal again ... and then it happened ... it crashed hard core ... they couldn't even get it to boot ... i was crushed ... crying ... i couldn't believe 4 years and now 4 hard days of work were just gone ...
this time we just had a new server built ... i couldn't risk going through this again ...
so now a week later the server is almost back to normal ... i lost our wedding site which is kind of a bummer ... but it is getting there ...
it was one terrible week last week ...
On January 24th we woke up to find everything on our server gone ... gone gone gone ... someone [I am guessing an ex-employee] logged onto the server and deleted files ... files being every website on the server ... it was a mega mess ...
We got the server back up ... found some back ups here and there on our own computer ... and started working on the server non-stop Monday night ... we were up most of the night and just dead tired for work the next day ... as I worked on rebuilding sites for ones we had no back up of the server was starting to look normal again ... and then it happened ... it crashed hard core ... they couldn't even get it to boot ... i was crushed ... crying ... i couldn't believe 4 years and now 4 hard days of work were just gone ...
this time we just had a new server built ... i couldn't risk going through this again ...
so now a week later the server is almost back to normal ... i lost our wedding site which is kind of a bummer ... but it is getting there ...
it was one terrible week last week ...
Wednesday, February 2, 2005
Monday, December 6, 2004
Oh Christmas Tree
Tonight David and I set up our Christmas tree and lights and all our holiday decorations ... and it is amazingly beautiful ... I stared at the tree forever tonight ... I just love Christmas so much ...
I also finished all of our holiday cards last night and will be able to mail them tomorrow ... woohoo the holiday season is upon us ... now if i could just get all the gifts I need :)
I also finished all of our holiday cards last night and will be able to mail them tomorrow ... woohoo the holiday season is upon us ... now if i could just get all the gifts I need :)
Sunday, December 5, 2004
Kicked my ass
Yesterday I went to work with David ... he has 70 blinds to hang all in one day and I knew he would need help ... so I offered and he said yes ...
HOLY SHIT ... I am dying today ... we worked our asses off ... my back, arms, feet and hands are killing ... it was like doing 100 squats while holding 50 pounds ... opening boxes ... hammering the ends of blinds ... carrying them all around the office ... handing the blinds up to David ... it was some serious work ... I am so happy I went to help him because who knows when he would have finished if I weren't there ...
I will say this ... I have even more respect for David and the work he does after spending the day with him than I did before I spent the day working with him ... he is amazing ... he busts his ass every day ... and he is so good at his job ...
Anytime he needs help in the future I'll be there ... and any time he wants to take a nap after a job I'm not going to bug him ... because the is all I wanted yesterday afternoon ...
HOLY SHIT ... I am dying today ... we worked our asses off ... my back, arms, feet and hands are killing ... it was like doing 100 squats while holding 50 pounds ... opening boxes ... hammering the ends of blinds ... carrying them all around the office ... handing the blinds up to David ... it was some serious work ... I am so happy I went to help him because who knows when he would have finished if I weren't there ...
I will say this ... I have even more respect for David and the work he does after spending the day with him than I did before I spent the day working with him ... he is amazing ... he busts his ass every day ... and he is so good at his job ...
Anytime he needs help in the future I'll be there ... and any time he wants to take a nap after a job I'm not going to bug him ... because the is all I wanted yesterday afternoon ...
Wednesday, December 1, 2004
Packing Care Packages
Yesterday Marianne, David and I spent about 3 hours making up care packages to send to our troops ... and today Marianne and I repacked a couple of them ... weighed ... addressed ... filled out customs forms ... and added postage to 15 packages weighing a total of 200 pounds ... the soldiers should get them in about 2 weeks ...
it really felt so good putting them all together ... I had been thinking we didn't have that much stuff until we started making the packages ... then I realized we really had a lot of great stuff to send everyone ... and the boxes were awesome ...
I made mixed CDs for each ... 2 each of the 50's, 60's, 70's ... and an 80's a 90's and a holiday mix ... plus some homemade lip balm ... and then we had tons of books, magazines, catalogs, snacks, cards, toys ... they were just stuffed full ... it really was so awesome ... I am so glad we could do a bit for others ...
it really felt so good putting them all together ... I had been thinking we didn't have that much stuff until we started making the packages ... then I realized we really had a lot of great stuff to send everyone ... and the boxes were awesome ...
I made mixed CDs for each ... 2 each of the 50's, 60's, 70's ... and an 80's a 90's and a holiday mix ... plus some homemade lip balm ... and then we had tons of books, magazines, catalogs, snacks, cards, toys ... they were just stuffed full ... it really was so awesome ... I am so glad we could do a bit for others ...
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