1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather-- who died peacefully in his sleep.

Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."


--Author Unknown



2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:

"Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children"


--Author Unknown



3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that.

It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."


--Drew Carey



4) "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house,"


--Rod Stewart



5) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it.

At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."


--Jeff Foxworthy



6) "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."


--Robin Williams



7) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base."


--Dave Barry



8) "What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?"


--Marilyn Pittman



9) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."


--Bob Ettinger



10) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat.

I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim."


--Paula Poundstone



11) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh."


--Conan O'Brien



12) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner."


--Lynda Montgomery



13) "I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"


--Richard Jeni



14) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."


--Johnny Carson



15) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."


--Paul Rodriguez



16) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law."


--Jerry Seinfeld



17) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest.

What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?"


--Warren Hutcherson



18) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."


--Oscar Wilde



19) "Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of Congress ... But I repeat myself."


--Mark Twain



20) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student.

At least they can find Afghanistan."


--A. Whitney Brown



21) "Ah, yes, divorce..., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."


--Robin Williams



22) "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."


--Roseanne



23) "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."


--Billy Crystal



24) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'"


--Dave Barry



25) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because " Mad Cow Disease" was taken.


--Unknown

my mom is going to wind up putting me in the nut house ... sometimes she mentally screws with me so much i don't know if i am coming or going ... and i don't know how much longer i can live in her house ... a job would help ... and everyday i apply to so many ... but that doesn't seem to help ... i just want to get out of here ... and i can't ...


she would be so upset seeing what i wrote ... she would say it is so untrue and how could i say such a thing ... but i sware ... sometimes she just screws with me ... she came down here a few minutes ago and was in a great mood ... and we had made plans for Father's Day ... and then i go upstairs to leave to go run errands and she is eratic and pissed off ... and mad that i am going out at that moment ... i said i could wait and she stomped upstairs ... so i just went and got coffee ... so i could do her banking and mine later this afternoon ... she was mad at that when i got home ... and said she is just going herself ...


earlier she told me i should just go out and do stuff before i pick up david ... when i got home and said that is what i was planning on doing she said she couldn't wait that long to have her banking done ... she would just go herself even though it is pouring out and she hates driving in the rain ... i mean what the fuck is up with that ... just do the opposite to screw with me ...


we looked at a great condo yesterday ... but now she is saying david and i should live here 6 more months ... save some more money ... fuck that is till December ... that would be a hell of a long time ... it would also mean that we would need to fix up a new place and move in the snow ... all hellish experiences since i have done them before ... she is just making me crazy ... and david doesn't understand it when he comes home from work ... he is all pissy about his job and thinks i live in the lap of luxury ...


i feel the state of crazy isn't too far off ...

sometimes I am not sure what my purpose for living is ... there are days where it feels like no one likes me the way I am and would like to change everything about me ... from what I look like ... to what I want to do for a living ... to how I dress ... to what I eat ... to what things interest me ... it is hard to deal with ...


today my parents were our running around and so was David ... I asked everyone to get me strawberries ... and no one brought them home for me ... and all of them went to a food store of some sort tonight ... ya know any fucking time someone asks me to get them something I do ... my mom asks for the paper or breadsticks or dessert ... David asks for coffee or food for breakfast or coffee and I get it ... and when I ask for something ... no one seems to remember to get it ... I don't think any of them realize how upset it made me ...


to night I went upstairs to say goodnight to my mom ... only to have her complain about me ... ya know last weekend they were mad at me cause David and I go out to eat on the weekend ... she said it isn't good for my diet and we should be saving money ... so this weekend we made dinner at home all weekend ... ya know David cooks for a living so he gets pretty fucking sick of cooking ... yet this weekend he cooked ... did my parents notice it at all ... fuck no they didn't ... instead my mom complained at how messy I am ... that I collect shit ... that I am a pack rat and that my apartment is always a mess ... she went further to say that they wanted to get us a big condo but decided I was too messy to have a big place ... then she went even further to say how great my brother's place is and that he and his wife don't collect shit and their place always looks nice ...


ya know if it weren't for me my brother and my parents wouldn't even be talking ... yet she uses them as a shinning example of how to live ... I think their condo is somewhat cold and unfriendly ... and lacks personality ... it isn't who I am at all ... but no one fucking cares who I am ... everyone just wants me to be someone else ... don't they see how much that hurts ...


sometimes I wish I could just disappear ... start over ... be who I want to be without anyone saying otherwise ... and that just can't happen ... I can't stop crying now ... and my body just aches ... I really feel like nothing I do is good enough for anyone ...


I noticed today that I have stopped eating ... I eat dinner ... and that is it ... I didn't eat one single thing today ... the only thing that went into my mouth was coffee and water all day ... except when everyone is around and I should be eating ... when I felt like I had control over my life I was bulimic ... i could easily swallow a package of 40 ex-lax in a day ... without a second thought ... it wasn't till i was hospitalized for the 3rd time that i realized i had a problem ... 10 years this went on ... i had to teach my body how to work all over again ... it has now been 9 years since i have taken a laxative ... and i feel like i have lost control of my life ... that the only thing i can control is what i eat ... or don't eat ... even though i know how bad it is i see myself stepping closer and closer to that ... i am 32 years old and everyone around me is telling me what to do ... and who to be ... and who i am ... it isn't something i like in the least ...


i guess the only time i seem to write anymore is when i am unhappy ... this blog should really be called "lizzies shitty life"

so what happens that i can go so long without writing ... i think about it all the time ... but i just never take the time ... see now that i start to write i get a phone call ...

well the UPS woman said almost without a doubt they would not be paying on the breakage claim ... she implied the guy sold and sent us a broken computer hoping to claim the insurance money ... so david was totally pissed when i told him ...


we did hang out together last night and made an excellent dinner ... he grilled a steak and sliced it up and made corn on the cob and boiled small potatos ... it so sooooooooooooooooooooooo good ... and we ate together ... i had a lovely evening with davie ...


and this morning i was 3 pounds lighter ...

i have dreams every night now about what it will be like when i've lost my weight ... it is all i think about ... i should have been dieting the whole time i have been unemployed ... i would be close to my goal weight by now ... but at least i have now started ... i am down 17 pounds now ... fucking rocks ...

wow isn't that nice ... the UPS lady called me to tell me she was on her way and would be here before 11 ... woohoo ... now i know i can go get a coffee in like an hour ... right on!!!!